^ 



i'c 








MR. BOBBET TELLS NEWS. 



MY OPIN"IONS 



AND 



BETSEY BOBBET'S. 



DESIGNED A3 

A BEACOlSr LicmT, 

•CO CmiDE WOMEN TO LIFE LIBERTY AND THE PURSUIT OF HAFPnTESS, 

BUT WHICH MAY BE READ BY 

MEMBERS OF THE STERNER SECT, 

WITHOUT INJURY TO THEMSELVES 

OB THE BOOH. i 



BY 

JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE. ~ ^ -'s^^^ 



* Wh^ will read the Book^ Samantha^ when it is rote ? 



PUBLISHED BY SUBSOEIPTION ONLY, 



HARTFORD, CONN.; 

AMEEICAN PUBLISHING COMPANY. 

W. B. BLISS & CC TOLEDO, OHIO. F. G. OILMAN & CO., CHICAGO, ILI* 
UBTTLETOJT & CO., CINCINNATI, OHIO. 

X875. 






Eatered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1872, by the 
AMERICAN PUBLISHING COMPANY, 
In the office of the Libreriaa of Congress, at Washington. 



In Hx change 

AnaLS' And Navs? Cluf 

Of Washington D.Ck 

Jan.H.lQSo 



r^ « 



So my own Lawful Fardner, 

JOSIAH. 

Whom (although I have been his Cosiort 

for a little upwards of 14 years) 

I still Love with a 

CAST-IBON DEVOTEDNESS. 



PREFACE. 

"Whicli is to be read, if it haint askin' too miicli of 
the kind hearted reader. 

In the first days of our married life, I strained 
nearly every nerve to help my companion Josiah along 
and take care of his children by his former consort, 
the subject of black African slavery also wearin' on 
me, and a mortgage of 200 and 50 dollars on the farm. 
But as we prospered and the mortgage was cleared, 
and the children were oif to school, the black African 
also bein' liberated about the same time of the mort- 
gage, then my mind bein' free from these cares — the 
great subject of Wimmen's Rites kept a goarin' me, 
and a voice kept a sayin' inside of me, 

" Josiah Allen's wife, write a book givin' your 
views on the great subject of Wimmen's Rites." But 
I hung back in spirit from the idea and Sif^s I, to my- 
self, 1 never went to school much and don't know 
nothin' about grammer, and I never could spell worth 
a cent," 

But still that deep voice kept a 'swaiden me — 
" Josiah Allen's wife, write a book." 

Says I, " I cant write a book, I don't know no under- 
ground dungeons, I haint acquainted with no haunted 
houses, I never see a hero suspended over a abyss by 



VI tRET^ACE. 

his gallusses, I never beheld a heroine swoon away, I 
never see a Injun tommy hawked, nor a ghost ; I 
never had any of these advantages; I cant write a 
book." 

But still it kept a sayin' inside of my mind, "Josiah 
Allen's wife write a book about your life, as it passes 
in front of yon and Josiah, daily, and your views on 
Wimmen's Rite's. Tlie great publick wheel is a roll- 
in' on slowly, drawin' the Femail Race into liberty ; 
Josiah Allen's wife, put your shoulder blades to tlie 
wheel," 

And so that almost liauntin' voice inside of me 
kept a 'swaidin me, and hnally I spoke out in a loud 
clear voice and answered it — 

" I will put my shoulder blades to the wheel ? " 
I well I'cmember the time I said it, for it skairt 
Josiah almost to death. It was night and we was both 
settin' by the lire relapsted into silence and he — not 
knowin the conversation goin' on inside of my mind, 
thought I was crazy, and jumped up as if he was shot, 
and says he, in trembliu' tones, 
"What is the matter Samantha?" 
Says I, " Josiah I am goin' to write a book." 
This skairt him worse than ever — I could see, by 
his ghastl_^ countenance — and he started off on the 
run for the camfire bottle. 

Says I, in firm but gentle axcents, " camfire cant 
stop me Josiali, the book will be wrote." 

He see by my pale but calm countenance, that I 
was not delirious any, and (by experience) he knows 
that when my mind is made up, I have got a firm and 
almost cast iron resolution. He said no more, but he 



PREFACE. VU 

sot down and sithed hevily ; finally he spoke out in a 
despairin' tone, be is pretty close (but honest), 

" Who will read tbe book Samantba ? Remember 
if you write it you have got to stand the brunt of it 
yourself — I haint no money to hire folks with to read 
it." And again he sithed two or three times. And 
he hadn't much more than got through sithein' when 
he asked me again in a tone of ahnost agony — 

" Who will read the book Samantba after you write 
it?' 

The same question was fillin' me with agonizin' 
apprehension, but I concealed it and answered with 
almost marble cahn, 

" I don't know Josiali, but I am determined to put 
my shoulder blades to the wheel and write it." 

Josiah didn't say no more then, but it wore on him 
— for that night in the ded of night he spoke out in 
his sleep in a kind of a wild way, 

" Who will read the book ? " 

I hunched him with my elbo' to wake liim up, and 
he muttered — " I wont pay out one cent of my money 
to hire any body to read it." 

I pitied him, for I was afraid it would end in the 
Night Mair, and I waked him up, and promised him 
then and ^there, that I never would ask him to pay 
out one cent to hire any body to read it. He has per- 
fect confidence in me and he brightened up and haint 
never said a word sense against the idea, and that ia 
the way this book come to be wrote. 



WHAT IS IN THE BOOK. 



MARRIED TO JOSIAH ALLEN. 

Livin' up to one Idee — Love at First Sight — A Marriage of Lot« 
— ^Why did I Love Josiah ? — ^A Becon that has never gone 
out — Men can't stand Flattery — My Present feehu's towards 
Josiah — Objections to Widowers — Comparin' Wives — Josiah 
not encouraged in it — Rule for Domestic Happiness lY — 20 

JOSIAH AND THE CHILDREN. 
A hard row for Step-Mothers — Thomas Jefferson and Tirzah Ann — 
Thomas J. on Foreordination — Tirzah Ann's sentiments — A 
Hefty Angel — Makin' excuses at table — How to make Bad 
Cake taste good — Our Farm on the Canal — Plenty of Garden 
Sass— 4 Tons to the acre 21—25 

AN UNMARRIED FEMALE. 
Betsey Bobbet introduced — While there is Life there is Hope of 
getting married — Betsey's personal appearance — Betsey's 
Opinions and Views of a Woman's Speah — Betsey writes Poe- 
try — A Specimen of it — Owed to Josiah — Josiah makes a 
Confession and gets Rebuked — Betsey Bobbet visits me unex- 
pectedly— Gushin's of a Tendeh Soul — The Editah with 
Twins— Weddin' Affinities 26— 37 

HAVIN' MY PICTURE TOOK. 
Down to Jonesville — In Mr. Gansey's Aunty Room — Preparin' for 
a Picture — The Editer of the Augur — Daughters of Bachus 
and Venus — Haunts of the Graces — " Logical Reveries " — A 
Poem — My Picture Took 38 — 45 

OUR SURPRISE PARTIES. 
My opinions of Surprises — I am persuaded to go — A Surprise Party 
Surprised — Not wanted just then — An Upset in the snow — A 
Peaceful Evening at home — Josiah and I enjoying ourselves 
Doctorin' — Our Happiness interrupted — Surprised by a Party 
of 50 — ^Fearful excitement of Josiah — The Enemy retji'e — 
The Editer surprised — ^Betsey writes a Poem upon it 45 — 57, 



WHAT IS IN THE BOOK. 



A DAY OF TROUBLES. 



Sugerin' Time — Woman's work — Man's work — The Editer brings 
his Twins — There first doiu's — The trouble begins — Betsey 
Bobbet arrives — I think of John Rogers and have Patience — 
Betsey and the twins — A Soothin' Poultice— A Argument 
with Betsey — I Preach and Practice— Betsey asks Advice and 
gets It — Betsey reads a Poem — She gets more of my Opinions 
— Return of tlic Editer — Concludes to stay to Uinner — Sees 
Betsey and changes his mind— Grand Tableaux by the whole 
company 5^ — ''■ 

THE MDaSTER'S BEDQTTLT. 

Thomas J. believes in water for the Baptists — Reasons for goin' to 
Quiltin's— The Baptist Quiltin' Party— We dispose of all nnr 
neighbors not present — Miss Dobbin, a peacemaker — The 
Minister's wife discussed — Betsey Bobbet arrives — She labors 
under great excitement and overwhelms the party with her 
mysterious words — Astounding disclosures — Thomas J's story 
to Betsey — The story discussed — Handsome Ministers — 
Wimmen fllngin' stuns — The Minister arrives — The mystery 
solved C9-SI 

A ALLEGORY ON WIMMEN'S RIGHTa 

A Wimraen's Rights Meetin' — A Wimmen's Rights man — Idiots, 
Lunatics and Wimmen — The Woman shecp-stealer — Wimmen 
have a right to go to Prison and be Hung — Wimmen in 
Court — The right to go to the Hop and Cistern Poles — An 
anti Wimmen's Rights man — Hired Husbands — Marriage and 
Slavery — True Marriages — Happy Homes and Children — A 
Angel calling for Fire Wood 85—98 

AN AXIDENT. 

Bothered by Hens— A model Pup Dog— A Fall— Very sick a-bed— 
"That's wliat's the matter"— What makes Angels— Too much of 
a thing— Josiah being cheerful — I use Strategim— Betsey 
visits me and brings her Bed-Quilt — Come to spend the day — 
All the Family comin' — Keepiu' me quiet and Chirkiu' me 
up — She flies in terror from my wrath — Blasted Hopes. , 99 — 111 



WHAT 13 m THE BOOK. XI 

THE JONESVILLE SINGTN' QUIRE. 
Worryin' about Girls and not about Boys — Wimmen'a Charity for 
Wimmen — Tlie Prodigal Daughter's return — What is good for 
a Boy is good for a Girl — A Spy iu the Family — Tirzah Ann's 
future Marragc — Thomas J. prefers a back seat — He describes 
the Quire— We go up to the Rehersal— A United Quire— The 
Entire Orkusstree — A Artistic Duett — Jo.Viah breaks out in 
Song — Betsey Remonstrates in Verse 112 — 126 

MISS SHAKESPEARE'S EARRINGS. 
Josiah gives up Singin' — Betsey feelin' lonesome, visits me — She 
bemoans her lone state — Betsey is willin' but the men haint — 
A smile or a supper — Correctin' a Husband — Woman as a 
runnin' vine — The Elder's Choice — The Carpet Pedler — Bound 
for a Trade — Bill Shakespeare's present — An affectin' story — 
Betsey makes a purchase — Thomas J. turns poet — Betsey 
shows her prize — The Minister's Wife's old Jewelry — Betsey 
sick at heart, goes home I'-iV— 144 

A NITE OF TROUBLES. 
A Serenade disturbed by Thoma"? J. — Musical powers of Cats — 
Josiah on the war-path — Another Serenade — Josiah swears — 
"Come, oh come with me" — Josiah shows wickedness — A 
"meloncholly man" — The Serenader "languishes" — An Ad- 
dress by Thomas J — Relics left on the field 145—156 

4th OF JULY m JONESVILLE. 
The Professor's Poem — The Celebration on the field— Professor 
Aspire Todd — The Professor's Speech — Old Mr. Bobbot en- 
dorses the speaker — The Editer interferes — " Yes ! dround the 
Black Cat " — The next Speaker — An Argument Illustrated— 
A Wife's Devotion — Adjournment for Dinner — Toasts given — 
A Poem by B B — At Home Countin' the Cost — What good 
has it done? 157- -l'i'4 

SIMON SLIMPSEY'S MOURNFUL FOREBODIN'S. 
Thomas J. discusses the Jews — He expresses his Opinion of 
Betsey's Religion — A visit from Simon Slimpsey — His appear- 
ance — A Victim of bad luck — "She'll get round me" — APoein 
for Modest Wimmen^ by B. B. — Slimpsey don't want to 
marry — Reconciled to the loss of his late Consort — Overcome 
by hia fears foe the future , 111—181 



^1 WHAT 18 IN THE BOOK. 

FREE LOVE LECTURES. 
A Beautiful October day, good to pull Beets— Betsey gets Kissed 
at last— A Professor that was married some— Married Men 
good for some purposes— A Free Love Song— A war Cry- 
Professor Gusher's Visit— Peppermint recommended to the 
Professor for his troubles— No Yearnin' for Freedom— Value 
of Divorce Bills— What I would do if I Yearned— A Mean 
Business 188—200 

ELDER WESLEY MINKLE'S DONATION. 

Betsey visits me and brings her Tattin' — She Mourns over her 
neglected duties — She decides in future to work and also to 
prey — The Donation Party — Josiah objects to them— Quotes 
the 'postle Paul as an Example — How we went and what was 
Donated — Brother Minkley re-preaches his sermon to me — 
The Elder tempted— The Grab Bag— The Elder throws the 
tempter — A new attack of the Enemy — Grab Bags and Huz- 
zies finally overcome — Match Makin' — The Editer arrives — 
He congratulates himself— Married and Saved — Betsey's disa- 
pointment and wild agony — She seeks relief in Poetry — She 
desires to be a ghost 201 — 221 

WIMMEN'S SPEAH. 

The new Preacher clung to — A Visit from Betsey — A Discussion 
on Wimmen's Speah — Female Delicacy as shown in Waltzin' 
with Pirates mebbe — Wimmen as boards — Tattin' and Paint- 
in' — Dressin' and Flirtiu' — Readin' Novels — Paul's Letters — 
Wimmen's talk — Itchin' ears — Betsey's new Poem on Matri- 
mony — True Marriage — About Divorces — dingers — Baptist 
Wimmen Voters — ^Nater will out : a hen will Scratch — 
Wimmen won't be driven — Betsey prefers to walk home and 
is accommodated 222—243 

A TOWER TO NEW YORK DISCUSSED. 

Progress of aflairs at Jonesville — Peace and Plenty — Betsey alive 
but Quiet— H. Greeley and I differ in gome things— I propose 
a Tower — Josiah shows Jealousy — Democrats short of Presi- 
dent Stuff— H. G. up for President— Effect of Suspense on me 
—Josiah consents to the Tower — Preparations — An Overskirt 
important— Josiah sells the Critter 244—257 



WHAT IS IN THE BOOK. XIU 

GOVERNED BY PRINCIPLE. 

Open preparations for the Tower — Josiah's White Hat — My Prin- 
ciples induce me also to wear one — Old " Hail the Day " con- 
tributes Feathers — On the Political Fence — Betsey also pro- 
poses a Tower — At the Depott — Betsey Explains — The 1st 
Partin' for 15 years 258 — 2*71 

MEETIN' GRANT AND COLFAX. 

The Ticket Master — Folks I met with — Lack of Water Privil- 
eges — A Cigar without smoke — The Smilin' Stranger — Bad 
use of Eggs — Grant and Colflix — " Ulysses, how do you do" — 
Betsey reads a Poem to Gen'l Grant — " Let us have Peace" — 
Betsey overcome by Strategim 272 — 281? 

AT NEW YORK, ASTERS'ES TAVERN. 

A Familiar Stranger — "Will you have a bus?" — Betsey's 
Hopes — A Vegetable Widow — Procession on Broadway — 
Miss Asters'es Tavern — The Register — The Elevator — First 
thoughts in the Morniu' — Breakfist table — An Insult — Store 
Tea — I leave the Water Runnin' — Betsey Dissapointed 
again 288—305 

MEET DR. MARY WALKER. 

Call on Miss Hooker — Engaged and what of it — At Miss Wood- 
hull's door — Of Doubtful Gender — Miss Dr. Walker — 
Admittance obtained — A newly Married Man — Two Roman 
Noses 306—312 

INTERVIEW WITH THEODORE AND VICTORY. 

Elizabeth Cady Stanton— H. W. Beecher — Isabella Beecher 
Hooker — Susan B. Anthony — Theodore Tilton — Victory 
Woodhull— Male and Female Angels— Feathers on Angel's 
Wings— Blind Marriages— Thoroughwert Pukes— Theodore's 
Opinions — He Advocates Divorces — To Marry and not to 
Marry both Solemn — Betsey's Prayer — Theodore yields. = 313 — 335 

A WIMMEN'S RIGHTS LECTURER. 

A Visitor— Been on a Lecture Tower— Tyrant man— A Cure for 
Pantin' Hearts— A Star of Hope— Dress and Statesmanship— 
A Dinner and a Desert. 836 Sil 



XlV WHAT IS IN THE BOOK. 

ALEXANDER'S STORE. 

Mr. Cash'es Family — Alexander don't take Butter, Eggs, Socks, 
or Barter — A Look at Calicos — Foreign Princes — Dolly 
Varden ■ and her Acquaintances — A Dreadful Discovery — 
Betsey's Poetry in Market • 348 — 356 

A HARROWIN' OPERATION. 

A poor Maniac — A Affectin' Sight — A Ear for Music — Tirzah 
Ann a Musician — Operation of the D-David — Farewell to Mrs. 
Asters'es 357—364 

A VISIT TO HORACE. 

First Impressions of him — No Peace for Candidates — Men all 
Alike — Darwin's Idees — Horace's old Letters — His Admiss- 
ions — Wimmen's Influence at Washington — The Wrong Foot 
Forrerd — A Woman, or Patrick Oh Flanegan — The Widder 
Albert— Queen Bees — Paul's Opinions — Christ's Example — 
Nearly Overcome — Betsey's Overtures — Horace and I 
Part 358—396 

A SEA VOYAGE. 

Left by the Cars— On the Canal Boat— Terrible Storm— Dangers 
Surround Us— Betsey Writes a Poem — Sings Sea Odes— The 
Poem— At Home 397—405 

OLD FRIENDS IN NEW GARMENTS. 

Betsey Bobbet Married — Poor Simon Slimpsey — Betsey at Home — 
Her Last Poem— The End 406—420 

HOME AND JOSIAH. 

Bad News — ^Horace Greeley dead — A Review of my Tower — Vic- 
tory in Jail — Miss Aster a deception — Beecher slandered— 
Tilton do. do. — Doubts of Josiah — My Kitchen — I wear a bow 
on principle — Our supper — Josiah grows sentimental — I don't 
discourage him , 434 



PICTURES n THE BOOK. 



. Pagb. 

^U The Pleasant Supper. Full page [Frontispiece ) 

ilANUjoSlAH 19 

3 Kkfkesumknts (tailpikoe) ao 

4 TiRZAU Ann 23 

5 Betsey Bobbet 27 

6 KEAUIN' POETKY 33 

1 Looking for a Victim, (TAiLPtECE) 37 

8 Prei'.vrin' fob a Picture 32 

9 The Picture 45 

40 The Surprise Party, (full pagej 53— 

11 Delictus, (tail PIECE) 57 

sl2 The QriLTiN' Party (full page) 77'' 

13 Scandalized, (tail piece) 84 

14 Ax Accident 101 

15 JosiAii Bein' Cheerful 105 

16 Kebpin' the Sick Quiet Iii9 

17 A full Quire 123 

"-18 The K.kv. Ring Pedler, (full page) 14L- 

19 Disgust, (tail piece) 144 

n20 The SERENADEll.i (FULL PAGE) 150» 

21 MeWSIN', (TAIL PIECE) 156 

^i The Fourth OF July Celebration (full page) lea"" 

•^23 What happened at the Dinner (full page) 170 ' 

'44 CouNTiN the Cost (full page) 175«~ 

23 Simon Slimpsey , 182 

26 Simon Overwhelmed 187 

27 Prof. Gusher 195 

28 Livin' on Gospel 204 

29 The Enemy Attacked 210 

20 The Elder on the Alert 213 

31 Betsey seeks Relief 219 

82 A Strong Attachment (tail piece) 221 

83 Fbmale Delicacy 224 



XVl PICTURES m THE BOOK. 



34 No Time TO Vote 226 

35 DKEADFUii Short OF Time 227 

36 No Time TO Study Laws 228 

^7 A Woman's Rights (full page) „. 231>^ 

-^88 Fkimary Meetings and Results, (full page) 24W 

39 a victoky (tailpiece) 256 

^40 "Visit to Jonesville (full page) 263^ 

41 Gone (tail piece) 271 

<.42 The Smilin' Stranger (full page) 278 -^ 

^ " Let us have Peace" (full page) 284>^ 

44 On the Stkhbt 3(S 

-45 Hard at Work, (full page) ■ 817"" 

46 Betsey's Prayer 334 

-47 On aLectuhin' Tower [pull page] ?.. 339 - 

48 How Would Tou Like It?- 342 

49 Female Statesmanship 345 

50 Don't Take Barter 350 

51 Dolly Varden 854 

52 A Harrowin' Scene 358 

>e3 Interview with Horace, (full page) 369 ' 

-54 Fillin' Woman's Spear under Difficulties [full page] 895 v 

55 At Home 402 

Vsfi Mb. BoBBST Tells News [FULL PAQs] , ifft^i 3 



MARRIED TO JOSIAH ALLEN. 



IF anybody had told me when I was first born that 
I would marry to a widower, I should have beeji 
tnad at 'em. I lived up to this idee quite a number 
of years, how many, is nobody's business, that I will 
contend for. I laughed at the idee of love in my blind- 
ness of eye. But the first minute I sot my grey eye 
onto Josiah Allen I knew my fate. My heart was a 
pray to feelin's it had heretofore been a stranger to. 

Sez I to myself " Is this love ?" I couldn't answer, 
I was too agitated. 

Josiah told me afterwards that he felt jest exactly 
the same, only, when his heart wildly put the question 
to him, " Is it love yon feel for Samantha Smith ?" he 
havin' experience in the same, answered, " Yes, it i, 
love." 

I married Josiah Allen (in mother's parlor, on tlu 
fourteenth day of June, in a bran new silk dress witli 
a long boddis waist) from pure love. Though why 1 



18 I MARRY FOR LOVE. 

loved him, I know not. I looked at his mild face 
beamin' on me from above his black silk stock, which 
kep' his head kinder stilf, and asked myself this ques- 
tion, " Why do you love him ?" I reckolected then, 
and I have recalled it to his mind several times sense 
in our little differences of opinion, which occur in the 
happiest families — that I had had offers from men, 
handsomer than him, with more intelect than him, with 
more riches than him, with less children than him. 
Why didn't I love these various men ? I knew not. 
I can only repeat in the immortal and almost deathless 
lines of the poet, " Love will go where it is sent." 

Yes, Josiah Allen was ni}^ fate, and when I laid my 
light silk glove in his' en (they was almost of a color, 
a kind of cinnemen broun) before the alter, or that is 
Ijefore Elder Wesley Minkley, I did it with the purest 
and tenderest emotions of love. 

And that love has been like a Becon in our pathway 
ever sense. Its pure light, though it has sputtered 
some, and in tr^dn' times such as washin' days and 
cleanin' house times has burnt down pretty low, — has 
never gone out. 

When I married him the bald spot on his head wuz- 
n't much bigger than a new silver dollar. Now the 
top of his head is as smooth and clean as one of my 
stun china dinner plates, and if any horse jocky was to 
try to judge of his age by lookin' at his teeth, they 
would be baffled, not but what he has got some teeth, 



LOVE STILL, TRIUMPHANT. 



19 



but they are pretty scatterin'. But still that Becon 
shines, that pure love triumphs over lost teeth and van- 




I AND JOSIAH. 

ished sandy hair. There liaint a man on the face oi 
the earth that looks so good to me as Josiah Allen. T 
don't tell him this, mind you, 14 years experience of 
married life has taught me caution. Josiah is as good 
as they'l average generally, but no man can't stand 
too much flattery, men are naturally vain. 

As I said in the commencement of this plain and 



20 I DISCOURAGE COMPARISONS. 

unvarnished liistoiy, 1 had ahnost a deadly objection 
to widowers owin' to their habit of comparin' their 
second wives to their first relict, to the disadvantage 
of the first-named pardner. Josiah tride it with me 
when we was first married. But I didnH encoiirage 
him in it. He began on several various times, " It 
seems to me Samantha that Polly Ann used to fry up 
her meat a little cripsier," or " It seems as if Polly 
Ann used to make my collers a little stifFer." He 
stopped it before we had been married a year, for 1 
didnH encourage it in him. 

As I mean that this book shall be a Becon light, 
guidin' female wiinmen, to life, liberty, and the pursuit 
of true happiness, I would insert right here this word 
of solem' warnin' to my sect situated in the tryin' 
place of second consorts, if the I'elict goes to comparin' 
you to his foregone consort, donH encourage him in it. 
On this short rule hangs the hope of domestick har- 
mony. 




ABOUT JOSIAH AND THE CHILDBEN. 



BUT stei>mothers have a pretty hard row to hoe, 
though I don't complain. I like children, clean 
children first rate, and I have tried to do my duty by 
hisen. I have done as well Ly 'em as 1 knew how to, and 
I think a sight of Thomas Jefferson and Tirzah Ann. 
Tirzah Ann is dreadful sentimental, that is what spiles 
her mostly. And Thomas Jefferson thinks he knows 
more than his father, that is his greatest failin'. But 
take 'em all through, they are full as good as other 
folks'es children, and I know it. Thomas Jefferson is 
dreadful big feelin', he is IT years old, he wears a stove 
pipe hat, and is tryin' to raise a moustache, it is now 
jest about as long as the fuzz on cotton flannel and 
most as white. They both go to Jonesville to high 
school, (we hire a room for 'em to Mother Aliens, and 
they board themselves,) but they are to home every 
Saturday, and then they kinder quarell all day jest as 

brothers and sisters will. What agravates Thomas J. 

21 



22 THE CHILDREN ARGUE. 

the worst is to call hiin "bub," and Tirzah Ann 
don't call him anything else unless she forgets 
herself. 

He seems to think it is manly to have doubts about 
religeon. I put him through the catechism, and thought 
he was sound. But he seems to think it is manly to 
argue about free moral agency, foreordination, and pre- 
destination, and his father is jest fool enough to argue 
with him. S.ez he last Saturday, 

" Father, if it was settled beyond question six or 
seven thousand years ago that I was goin' to be lost 
what good does it do for me to squirm ? and if it was 
settled that I was goin' to be saved, how be I goin' to 
help myself ?" sez he, "I believe we can't help our- 
selves, what was meant to happen, will happen." 

Before his father had time to speak — Josiahis a slow 
spoken man, Tirzah Aim spoke up — 

" Bub, if it was settled six or seven thousand years 
ago that I should take your new jockey club and hair 
oil, and use 'em all m^'self, why then I shall." 

" Tirzah Ann," says he " If you should touch 'em it 
was foreordained from creation that you would get 
dreadfully hurt." But I spoke up then for the first 
time, says I, 

" You see Thomas J. that come to fighting you 
have moral agency enough — or immoral agency. 
Now" says I, "I won't hear another word from 
you, you Thomas J. are a young fool, and you Josiah 



,v 



I CURE JOSIAH OF SENTUVTENT. 23 

Allen are a old one, now," says I " go to tlie Larn, 
for I want to mop." 

Tirzali Ann as I said is dreadful sentimental, I don't 
know wliicli side she took it from, thougli I mistrust 
that Josiah if he had any encouragement would act 
spoony. I am not the woman to encourage any kind 




TIRZAH ANN. 

of foolishness. I remember when we was first en- 
gaged, he called me " a little angel." I jest looked 
at him calmly and says I, 

" I weigh two hundred and 4 pounds," and he didn't 
call me so again. 



24 HOW LIFE RUNS WITH US. 

No ! sentiment aint my style, and I ablior all kinds of 
shams and deceitfulness. Now to tlie table jow don't 
ketcli me makin' excuses. I should feel as mean as 
pusley if I did. Though once in a Mdiile when I have 
particuler company, and my cookin' turns out bad, I 
kinder turn the conversation on to the sufFerin's of our 
four fathers in the Eevolution, how they eat their kat 
ridge, boxes and shoe leather. It don't do us no hurt 
tQ remember their sufferin's, and after talkin' about 
eatin' shoe leather most any kind of cake seems ten- 
der. 

I spose that life runs along with Josiah and the chil- 
dren and me al^out as easy as it does with most men 
and female wimmen. AVe have got a farm of 75 acres 
of land all paid'for, A comfortable story and a half 
yeller house — good barns, and a bran new horse barn, 
and health. Our door yard is large and shady with 
apple, and pear, and cherry trees ; and Tirzali Ann has 
got posy beds under the winder's that look first rate. 
And where there haint no posy beds nor shade trees, 
the grass grows smooth and green, and it is a splendid 
place to dry clothes. On the north side of the house 
is our orchard, the trees grow clear up to our kitchen 
winder, and when the north door is open in the spring 
of the year, and I stand there ironin',the trees all cov- 
e-red with pink blows it is a pleasant sight. But a still 
pleasanter sight is it in the fall of the year to stand in 
the door and see Josiah and Thomas Jefferson pickin' 



SHORT BUT SWEET. S5 

up barells of the great red and yeller grafts at a dollar 
a bushel. Beyond the orchard down a little bit of a 
side hill runs the clear water of the canal. In front 
of the house towards the south — but divided from it 
by a good sized door yard and a picket fence, runs the 
highway, and back of the house, if I do say it that 
ortn't to, there is as good a garden as there is in these 
parts. For I set my foot down in the first ont, that I 
would have garden sass of all kinds, and strawberrys, 
and gooseberrys, and currant, and berry bushes, and 
glad enough is Josiah now to think that he heard to 
me. It took a little work of course, but I believe in 
havin' things good to eat, and so does Josiah. That 
man has told me more'n a hundred times sense that 
" of all the sass that ever was made, garden sass was 
the best sass." To the south of the house is our big 
meadow — the smell of the clover in the summer is as 
sweet as anything, our bees get the biggest part of their 
honey there, the grass looks beautiful wavin' in the 
sunshine, and Josiah cut from it last summer 4 tons 
of hay to the acre. 
2* 



AN UNMARRIED FEMALE. 



I SUPPOSE we are about as liappy as the most of 
folks, but as I was sajin, a few days ago to Betsy 
Bobbet a neighborin' female of ours — " Every Station 
house in life has its various skeletons. But we ort to try 
to be contented with that spear of life we are called on to 
handle." Betsey haint married and she don't seem to 
be contented. She is awful opposed to wimmens rights, 
she thinks it is wimmens only spear to marry, but as 
yet she can't find any man willin' to lay holt of that 
spear with her. But you can read in her daily life and 
on her eager willin' countenance that she fully realizes 
the sweet words of the poet, " while there is life there 
is hope." 

Betsey haint handsome. Her cheek bones are high, 
and she bein' not much more than skin and bone they 
show plainer than they would if she was in good order. 
Her complexion (not that I blame her for it) haint 

good, and her eyes are little and sot way back in her 

26 



OUR NEIGHBOR, BETSEY BOBBET. 



27 




head. Time has seen fit to deprive her of lier hair and 
teeth, but her large nose he has kindly suffered her to 
keep, but she has got the best white ivory teeth money 
will buy ; and two long 
curls fastened behind 
each ear, besides friz- 
zles on the top of her 
head, and if she was- 
n't naturally bald, and 
if the curls was the 
color of her hair tlieyf 
would look well. She 
is awful sentimental, 
I have seen a good 
many that had it bad, 

but of all the sentimental creeters I ever did see Bet- 
sey Bobbet is the sentimentalest, you couldn't squeeze 
a laugh out of her with a cheeze press. 

As I said she is awful opposed to wimmin's havein' 
any right only the right to get married. She holds on 
to that right as tight as any single woman I ever see. 
which makes it hard and wearin' on the single men 
round here. For take the men that are the most op- 
posed to wimmin's havin' a right, and tails the most 
about its bein' her duty to cling to man like a vine to 
a tree, they don't want Betsey to cling to them, they 
wonH let her cling to 'em. For when they would be 
a goin' on about how wicked it was for wimmin to vote 



BETSEY BOBBET. 



28 BETSY'S OPINIONS. 

— and it was her only spear to marry, says I to 'em 
'-'■ Which had you rnther do, let Betsey Bobbet cling 
to you or let her vote ?" and they would every one of 
'em quail Before that question. They would drop their 
heads before my keen grey eyes — and move off the 
subject. 

But Betsey don't get discourajed. Every time I see 
her she says inahopeful wishful tone, " That the deep- 
est men of minds in the country agree with her in 
thinkin' that it is wimmin's duty to marry, and not to 
vote." And then she talks a sight about the retirin' 
modesty and dignity of the fair sect, and how shame- 
ful and revoltin' it would be to see wimmen throwin' 
'em away, and boldly and unblushin'ly talkin' about 
law and justice. 

Why to hear Betsey Bobbet talk about wimmins 
throwin' their modesty away you would think if they 
ever went to the political pole, they would have to 
take their dignity and modesty and throw 'em against 
the pole, and go without any all the rest of their 
lives. 

IjTow I don't believe in no such stuff as that, I think 
a woman can be bold and unwomanly in other things 
besides goin' with a thick veil over her face, and a brass 
mounted parasol*, once a year, and gently and quietly 
dropping a vote for a christian president, or a religeous 
and noble minded pathmaster. 

She thinks she talks dreadful polite and proper, she 



WRITES POETRY FOR THE AUGUR. 29 

says " I was cameing " instead of " I was coming," and 
" I Lave saw " instead of " I have seen," and " papah " 
for paper, and " deah " for dear. I don't know mnch 
abont grammer, "but common sense goes a good ways. 
She writes the poetry for the Jonesville Augur, or 
" Augah," as she calls it. She used to write for the 
op250sition paper, the Jonesville Gimlet, but the editor 
of the Augur, a long haired chap, who moved into 
Jonesville a few months ago, lost his wife soon after 
he come there, and sense that she has turned Dimocrat, 
and writes for his paper stiddy. They say that he is 
a dreadful big feelin' man, and I have heard — it came 
right straight to me — his cousin's wife's sister told it 
to the mother in law of one of my neighbor's brother's 
wife, that he didn't like Betsey's poetry at all, and all 
he printed it for was to plague the editer of the Gimlet, 
because she used to write for him. I myself wouldn't 
give a cent a bushel for all the poetry she can write. 
And it seems to me, that if I was Betsey, I wouldn't 
try to write so much, howsumever, I don't know what 
turn I should take if I was Betsey Bobbet, that is a 
solemn subject and one I don't love to think on. 

I never shall forget the first piece of her poetry I 
ever see. Josiali Allen and I had both on us been 
married goin' on a year, and I had occasion to go to 
his trunk one day where he kept a lot of old papers, 
and the first thing I laid my hand on was these verses. 
Josiah went with her a few times after his wife died, 



30 AN ODE BY BETSEY. 

a 4tli of July or so and two or tliree camp meetin's, 
and tLe poetry seemed to be wrote about the time we 
was married. It was directed over the top of it " Owed 
to Josiah," just as if she w^ere in debt to him. This 
was the way it read. 

"owed to josiah. 

Josiah I the tale have hum, 
With rigid ear, and streaming eye, 
I saw from me that you did turn, 
I never Icuew the reason why. 

Oh Josiah, 

It seemed as if I must expiah. 

Why did you, Oh why did you blow 
Upon my life of snowy sleet. 
The fiah of love to fiercest glow. 
Then turn a damphar on the heat ? 

Oh Josiah, 

It seemed as if I must expiah. 

I saw thee coming down the street, 
She by your side in bonnet bloo ; 
The stuns that grated 'neath thy feet 
Seemed crunching on my vitals too. 

Oh Josiah, 

It seemed as if I must expiah. 

I saw thee washing sheep last night. 
On the bridge I stood with marble brow, 
The waters raged, thou clasped it tight, 
I sighed, ' should both be drownded now — ' 
I thought Josiah, 
Oh happy sheep to thus expiah." 

I showed the poetry to Josiah that night after he 
came home, and told him I had read it. He looked 



I STAND UP FOR MY OWN SECT. 31 

awful ashamed to think I had seen it, and says he with 
a dreadful sheepish look, 

" The persecution I underwent from that female can 
never be told, she fairly hunted me down, I had'iit no 
rest for the soles of my feet. I thought one spell she 
would marry me in spite of all I could do, without 
givin' me the benefit of law or gospel." lie see I 
looked stern, and he added with a sick lookin' smile, 
" I thought one spell, to use Betsey's language, " I was 
a gonah." 

I did'nt smile — oh no, for the deep principle of my 
sect was reared up — I says to him in a tone cold 
enough to almost freeze his ears, " Josiah Allen, sliet 
up, of all the cowardly things a man ever done, it is 
goin' rotmd braggin' about wimmen' likin' em, and 
follerin' em up. Enny man tliat'l do that is little 
enough to crawl through a knot hole without rubbing 
his clothes." Says I, " 1 suppose you made her think 
the moon rose in your head, and set in your heels, I 
dare say you acted foolish enough round her to sicken 
a snipe, and if you make fun of her now to please me 
I let you know you have got holt of the wrong indiv- 
idual." Now, says I, "go to bed," and I added in still 
more freezing accents, " for I want to mend your pant- 
aloons." He gathered up his shoes and stockin's and 
started off to bed, and we haint never passed a word 
on the subject sence. I believe when you disagree 
with your pardner, in freein' your mind in the first 



32 NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE. 

on't, and then not be a twittin' about it afterwards. 
And as for bein' jealous, I should jest as soon think of 
bein' jealous of a meetin'-house as I should of Josiah. 
He is a well principled man. And I guess he was'nt 
fur out o' the way about Betsey Bobbet, though I 
would'nt encourage him by lettin' him say a word on 
the subject, for I always make it a rule to stand up for 
my own sect ; but when I hear her go on about the 
editor of the Augur, I can believe anything about 
Betsey Bobbet. She came in here one day last week, 
it was about ten o'clock in the mornin'. I had got my 
house slick as a pin, and my dinner under way, (I M'as 
goin' to have a biled dinner, and a cherry puddin' 
biled, with sweet sass to eat on it,) and I sot down to 
finish sewin' up the breadth of my new rag ca»rpet. I 
thought I would get it done while I had'nt so much 
to do, for it bein' the first of March, I knew sugarin, 
would be comin' on, and then cleanin' house time, and 
I wanted it to put down jest as soon as the stove was 
carried out in the summer kitchen. The fire was 
sparklin' away, and the painted floor ashinin' and the 
dinner a bilin,' and I sot there sewin' jest as calm as a 
clock, not dreamin' of no trouble, when in came Bet- 
sey Bobbet. 

I met her with outward calm, and asked her to set 
down and lay off her things. She sot down, but she 
said she could'nt lay off her things. Says she, "I was 
comin' down past, and I thought I would call and let 



A VISIT FROM BETSEY. 33 

you see the last numbah of the Aiigab, there is a piece 
in it concerniu' the tariff that stirs men's souls, I like 
it evah so much." 

She handed me the paper, folded so I could'nb see 




READING POETRY. 



nothin' but a piece of poetry by Betsey Bobbet. I 
see what she wanted of me and so I dropped my 
breadths of carpetin' and took hold of it and began to 
read it. 

" Read it audible if you please," says she, '''Espec' 
ially the precious remahks ovali it, it is such a feast for 
me to be a sitting, and heah it reheahsed by a musical 
yorce. 

Says I, " I spose I can rehearse it if it will do you 
any good," so I began as foUers : 

" It is seldom that we present to the readers of the 
Augur (the best paper for the fii-eside in Jonesville or 



34 A VISIT FROM BETSEY. 

tlie world) with a poem like the following. It may be 
by the assistance of the Angnr (only twelve shillings 
a year in advance, wood and potatoes taken in ex- 
change) the name of Betsey Bobbet will yet be carved 
on the lofty pinnacle of fame's towering pillow. We 
think however tluit she conld study such writers as 
Sylvanus Cobb, and Tupper with profit both to herself 
and to them. Editor of the Augur." 

Here Betsey interrupted me, " The deah editah of 
the Augah had no need to advise me to read Tuppah, 
for lie is indeed my most favorite anthar, you have de- 
vorhed him havn't you Josiah Allen's wife.? 

" Devoured who ? " says I, in a tone pretty near as 
cold as a cold icicle. 

" Mahten, Fahyueah, Tu]3pah, that sweet authar," 
says she. 

" No mom," says I shortly, " I hain't devoured Mar- 
tin Farquhar Tupper, nor no other man, I hain't a 
cannibal." 

" Oh ! you understand me not, I meant, devorhed 
his sweet, tender lines." 

" I hain't devoured his tenderlines, nor notliin' re- 
latin' to him," and I made a motion to lay the paper 
down, but Betsey urged me to go on, and so I read. 

GUSHINGS OF A TENDAH SOUL. 

Oh let who will, Thus said I 'ere, 

Oh let who can, My teudah heart was touched, 

Be tied onto Thus said I 'ere 

A horrid male man. My tendah feelings gushed. 



BETSEY GUSHES AGAIN. 36 

But oh a change » He is wandering now, 

Hath swept ore me, In sorrows briny surf. 

As billows sweep 
The " deep blue sea." Two twins, the little 

Deah cherub creechahs, 
A Toice, a noble form, Now wipe the teahs. 

One day I saw ; From off his classic feachahs. 

An arrow flew. 
My heart is nearly raw. Oh sweet lot, worthy 

Angel arisen, 
His first pardner lies To wipe the teahs, 

Beneath the turf. From eyes like hisen. 

" What think you of it?" says she as I finished read- 
in'. 

I looked right at her most a minute with a majes- 
tic look. In spite of her false curls, and her i\e\v 
white ivory teeth, she is a humbly critter. I looked 
at her silently while she sot and twisted her long }cl- 
ler bunnet strings, and then I spoke out, 

"Hain't the Editor of the Augur a widower wiih a 
pair of twins ?" 

" Yes," says she with a happy look. 

Then says I, " If the man hain't a fool, he'll think 
you are one." 

" Oh !" says she, and she dropped her bunnet strings, 
and clasped her long bony hands together in her brown 
cotton gloves, " oh, we ahdent soles of genious, have 
feelin's, you cold, practical natures know nuthing of, 
and if they did not gush out in poetry we should ex- 
piah. You may as well try to tie up the gushing cat- 
arack of Niagarah with a piece of welting cord, as to 
tie up the feelings of an ahdent sole.'* 



36 WEDDIN' AFFINITIES. 

" Ardent sole !" says I coldly. " Which makes the 
most noise, Betsey Babbet, a three inch brook or a ten 
footer ? which is the tearer ? which is the roarer ? deep 
waters run stillest. I have no ftiith in feelins' that 
stalk round in public in mournin' weeds. I have no 
faith in such mourners," says I. 

" Oh Josiah's wife, cold, practical female being, you 
know me not ; we are sundered as fah apart as if joii 
was sitting on the North pole, and I was sitting on the 
South pole. Uncongenial being, you know me not." 

" I may not know you, Betsey Bobbet, but I do 
know decency, and I know that no munny would 
tempt me to write such stuif as that poetry and send 
it. to a widower, with twins." 

" Oh !" says she, " what appeals to the tendah feel- 
ing heart of a single female woman more, than to see 
a lonely man who has lost his relict ? And pity never 
seems so much like pity as when it is given to the deah 
little children of widowehs. And," says she, " I think 
moah than as likely as not, this soaring soul of genious 
did not wed his affinity, but was united to a weak 
women of clay," 

" Mere women of clay !" says I, fixin' my spektacles 
upon her in a most searchin' manner, " Avhere will you 
find a woman, Betsey Bobbet, that hain't more or less 
clay ? and affinity, that is the meanest word I ever 
heard ; no married woman has any right to hear it. 
I'll excuse you, bein' a female, but if a man had said 



GOING DOWN TO POSTERITY. 



37 



it to me, I'd holler to Josiali. There is a tune for 
everything, and the time to hunt affinity is before you 
are married ; married folks hain't "no right to hunt it," 
says I sternly, 

" We kindred souls soah above such petty feelings, 
we soah fah above them." 

" I hain't much of a soarer," says I, " and I don't 
pretend to be, aud to tell you the truth," says I, " I 
am glad I hain't." 

" The Editali of the Angah," says she, and she grasp- 
ed the paper ofFen the stand and folded it up, and pre- 
sented it at me like a spear, "the Editah of tliis paper 
is a kindred soul, he appreciates me, he undahstands 
me, and will not our names in the pages of this very 
papah go down to posterety togathah ?" 

Then says I, drove out of all patience Avith her, " I 
wish you was there now, both of you, I wish," says I, 
lookin' fixedly on her, "I wish you was both of you in 
posterity now." 




/ 



HAVING MY PICTURE TOOK. 



THE very next Saturday after 1 liad this conversation 
with Betsey, I went down to Jonesville to have my 
picture took, Tirzah Ann bein' to home so she could 
pfet dinner for the menfolks. As for me I don't set a 
great deal of store by pictures, but Josiah insisted and 
the children insisted, and I went. Tirzah Ann wanted 
me to have my hair curled, but there I was firm, I 
give in on the handkerchief pin, but on the curl busi- 
ness, there I was rock. 

Mr. Gansey the man that takes pictures was in an- 
other room takin' some, so I walked round the aunty 
room, as they call it, lookin' at the pictures that hang 
up on the wall, and at the people that come in to have 
theirs took. Some of 'em was fixed up dreadful ; it 
seemed to me as if they tried to look so that nobody 
wouldn't know whose pictures they was, after they 
was took. Some of 'em would take ofit' their bun> 

nets and gaze in the lookin'-glass at themselves and 

38 



AUNTY ROOM PREPARATIONS, 



39 



try to look smilin', and get an expression onto their 
faces that they never owned. 

In one corner of the room was a bewrow, with a look- 
in'-glass and hair brushes onto it, and before it stood 
a little man dreadful dressed up, with long black hair 
streamin' down over his coat coller, engaged in pour- 




i^= " ' j^'?7\'.i ^ 



PREPARING FOR A PICTURE. 



ing a vial of oil oiito his head, and brushing his hair 



40 THE EDITOR OF THE AUGUR. 

with one of the brushes. I knew him in a minute, 
for I had seen him come into the meetin' house. 
Afterwards when I was jest standin' before the picture 
of a dreadful harmless loolvin' man — he looked meek 
enough to make excuses to his shadder for goin' before 
it, and I was jest sayin' to myself, " There is a man 
who would fry pancakes without complainin'," I heard 
a voice behind me sayin', 

/' So the navish villian stalks round yet in decent 
society." 

I turned round imegiately and see the little man, 
who had got through fixin' his hair to have his pic- 
tur took, standin' before me. 

" Who do you mean ?" says I calmly. " Who is 
stalkin' round ? " 

" The Editor of the Gimlet," says he, " whose vile 
image defiles the walls of this tempi© of art, the haunt 
of Aglia, Thalia, and Euphrosine." 

" Who ?" says I glancin' keenly at him over my 
specks, " the haunt of who ? " 

Says he " The daughters of Bachus and Yenus." 

Says I " I don't know anything about Miss Bachus, 
nor the Yenus girls," and says I with spirit, " if they 
are any low creeters I don't thank you for speakin' of 
'em to me, nor Josiah won't neether. This room be- 
longs to Jeremiah Gansey, and he has got a wife, a 
likely woman, that belongs to the same meetin' house 
and the same class that I do, and he haint no business 



THE HOME OF THE GRACES. 41 

to have other girls ^hauntin' his-^ rooms. Jf fflaera is 
anything wrong goin' on I shall tell Sister Gansey." 

Says he " "Woman you mistake, I meant the Graces." 

" Graces !" says I scornfully, " what do I care for 
their graces. Sister Gansey had graces enough when 
he married her," says I. " That is jest the way, a man 
will marry a woman jest as pretty as a new blown rose, 
and then when she fades herself out, till she looks more 
like a dead dandyline than a livin' creeter, cookin' his 
vittles, washin' Ms dishes, and takin' care of his chil- 
dren ; then he'l go to havin' other gii'ls hauntin' him, 
there haint no gospel in it," says I. 

I looked him keenly in the face all the time I spoke, 
for I thought he was kinder' upholdin' Sister Gansey's 
husband, and I wanted my words to apaul him, but I 
suppose he made a mistake, and thought I was admir- 
in' of him I looked so earnest at him, for he spoke up 
and says he, 

" I see by your stiddy glance that you have discov- 
er9d who I be. Yes Madam, you see before you the 
Editor of the Augur, but don't be nervous, don't let it 
affect you more than you can help, I am a mortal like 
yourself." 

I looked at him with my most majestic look, and he 
continued. 

" The masses who devoured my great work " Logical 
Reveries on the Beauties' of Slavery, are naturally 
anxious to see me. I don't wonder at it, not at all." / 
3 



42 •' LOGICAL REVERIES." 

I was austerely silent and withdrawcd to a winder 
and set down. But lie followed me and continued 
on. 

" That tract as you are doubtless aware, was written 
just before the war, and a weaker minded man might 
have been appalled by the bloodshed that followed its 
publication. But no ! I said calmly, it was written on 
principle, and if it did bring ruin and bloodshed on 
the country, principle would in the end prevail. The 
war turned out different from what I hoped, chains 
broke that 1 could have wept to see break — but still I 
hung on to principle. Might I ask you Madam, exactly 
what your emotions were when you read ' Logical Rev- 
eries ' for the first time ? I suppose no President's 
message was ever devoured as that was." 

" I never see nor heard of your ' Logical Reveries,' " 
says I coldly. " And thank fortune nobody can accuse 
me of ever touchin' a President's message — unless they 
belie me." 

He rolled up his eyes toward the cielin' and sithed 
hevily, and then says he, " Is it possible that in this 
enlightened community there is still such ignorance 
amongst the masses. I have got a copy in my pocket, 
I never go without one. And I will read it to you 
and it may be pleasant for you to tell your children 
and grandchildren in the future, that the author of 
" Logical Reveries on the Beauties of Slavery " told 
vou with his own lips, how the great work came to be 

\ 

X \ 
'\ 



ANOTHER POEM BY ANOTHER AUTHOR. 43 

written. A poem was sent me intended as a satire on 
the beautiful and time hallowed system of slavery, it 
was a weak senseless mass of twaddle, but if the author 
could have foreseen the mighty consequences that flow- 
ed from it, he might well have trembled, for senseless 
as it was it roused the lion in me, and I replied. I 
divided my great work into two parts, first, that slavery 
was right, because the constitution didn't say it was 
wrong, and then I viewed the subject in a Bible and 
moral light, but the last bein' of less importance, of 
course I didn't enlarge on it, but on the first I come 
out strong, there I shone. I will read you a little of 
the poem that was sent me, that you may understand 
the witherin' allusions I make concernin' it. I won't 
read more than is necessary for that pm-pose, for you 
may get sleepy listenin' to it, but you will wake up 
enough when I begin to read the " Logical Reveries," 
I guess there couldn't anybody sleep on them. The 
poem I speak of commenced in the following weak 
illogical way. 

gLAVEET. 

So held my eyes I could not tee 
The rightousness of slavery, 
So blind was I, I could not see 
The ripe fruit hang on wisdom's tree ; 
But groping round its roots did range, 
Murmuring ever, strange, oh strange 

That one handful of dust should dare 
Enslave another God had made, 



4:4: SLAVERY— A POEM. 

From his own homo and kindred tear, 
And scourge, and fetter, steal and trade. 
If 'twas because they were less wise 
Than our wise race, why not arise, 
-And with pretext of buying teas. 
Lay in full cargoes of Chinese. 
Let Fee Fo Funi, and Eng, and Chen, 
Grow wise by contact with wise men ; 
If weakness made the traffic right. 
Why not arise in manhoods might, 
And bind old grandmothers with gyves, 
And weakly children, and sick wives. 

If twas the dark hue of their face, 

Then why not free our noble race 

Forever from all homely men ? 

With manly zeal, and outstretched hand, 

Pass like a whirlwind o'er the land. 

Let squint eyed, pug-nosed women be 

Only a thing of memory. 

Though some mistakes would happen then. 

For many bond servants there are, 

Fair faced, blue eyed, with silken hair. 

How sweet, how pleasant to be sold 

For notes in hand, or solid gold, 

To benefit a brother 

Both children of one father. 

With each a different mother. 

One mother f\iir and richly clothed. 

One worn with toil and vain despair 

Down sunken to a life she loathed ; 

Both children with proud saxon blood. 

In one breast mixed with tropic flame. 

One, heir to rank and broad estates 

And one, without oven a name 

Jest as lio arrived to this crjsis in the poem, Mr. 
Gansey came out into the aunty room, and told me he 
was ready to take my picture. The Editer seein' he 



tHE PICTURE TAKEN. 



43 



Was obleeged to stop readin' told me, he would come 
down to onr house a visitin' in sugarin' time, and fin- 
ish readin' the j)oetiy to me. I ketched holt of my 
principles to stiddy 'em, for I see they was a totterin' 
and says to him with outward calmness, 

" If you come fetch the twins." 

He said he would. I then told Mr. Gansey I was 
ready for the picture. I believe there haint nothin' 
that will take the expression out of anybody's eyes, 
like havin' poetry 
read for a hour and a 
half, unless it is to 
have your head screw- 
ed back into a pair of 
tongs, and be told to 
look at nothin' and 
wink at it as much as 
you are a mind to. 
Under both of these 
circumstances, it did- 
n't suprise me a mite 
that one of my eyes 




THE PICTURE. 



was took blind. But as Mr. Gansey said as he looked 
admirin'ly on it, with the exception of that one blind 
eye, it was a perfect and strikin' picture. I paid him 
his dollar and started off home, and I hope now that 
Josiah and the children will be satisfied. 



OUR SURPRIZE PARTIES. 



ABOUT one week after this picture eppysode, there 
was a surprise party appointed. They had been 
havin' 'em all winter, and the children had been crazy 
to have me go to 'em — everybody went, old and young, 
but I held back. Says I : " I don't approve of 'em, 
and I won't go." 

But finally they got their father on their side ; says 
he : " It won't hurt you Samantha, to go for once." 

Says I : " Josiali, the place for old folks is to home ; 

and I don't believe in surprise parties anyway, I think 

they are perfect nuisances. It stands to reason if you 

want to see your friends, you can invite 'em, and if 

anybody is too poor to bake a cake or two, and a pan 

of cookies, they are too poor to go into company at 

all." Says I : " I haint proud, nor never was called 

Iso, but I don't want Tom, Dick and Harry, that I 

never spoke to in my life, feel as if they was free to 

break into my house at any time they please." Says 

I : "it would make me feel perfectly wild, to think 

there was a whole drove of people, liable to rush in 

46 



MY OPINIOlJ OF StJRPftlZES. 47 

here at any minute, and I won't rush into other peo- 
ple's housen." 

"It would be fun, mother," says Thomas J.; "I 
should love to see you and Deecon Qowdey or old 
Bobbet, playin' wink 'em slyly." 

'Let 'em wink at me if they dare to," says 1 
sternly ; " let me catch 'em at it. I don't believe in 
surprise parties," and 1 went on in about as cold a 
tone as they make. "Have you forgot how Mrs. 
Gowdey had her parlor lamp smashed to bits, and a 
set of stun china ? Have you forgot how four or five 
stranger men got drunk to Pecdicks'es, and had to be 
carried up stairs and laid out on her spare bed ? Have 
you forgot how Celestine Wilkins fell with her baby 
in her arms, as she was catchin' old Gowdey, and 
cracked the little innocent creeters nose ? Have you 
forgot how Betsey Bobbet lost out her teeth a runnin' 
after the editor of the Augur, and he stepped on 'em 
and smashed 'em all to bits ? Have you forgot these 
coincidences ? " Says I : " I don't believe in surprise 
parties." 

" No more do I," says Josiah ; " but the children 
feel so about our goin', sposen we go, for once ! No 
livin' woman could do better for children than you 
have by mine, Samantha, but I don't suppose you feel 
exactly as 1 do about pleasin' 'em, it haint natteral 
you should." 

Here he knew he had got me. If ever a woman 



48' A SURPRIZE PARTY SURPRIZED. 

wanted to do her duty by anotlier woman's children, 
it is Samantha Allen, whose maiden name was Smith. 
Josiah knew jest how to start me ; men are deep. I 
went to the very next party, whieh was to be held 
two miles beyond Jonesville; they had had 'em so 
fast, they had nsed up all the nearer places. They 
had heard of this family, who had a big house, and 
the women had been to the same meetin' house 
with Betsey Bobbettwo or three times, and she had 
met her in a store a year before, and had been intro- 
dueed *o her, so she said she felt perfectly free to go. 
And as she was the leader it was decided on. They 
went in two big loads, but Josiah and I went in a cut- 
ter alone. 

We got started ahead of the loads, and when we got 
to the house we see it was lit up real pleasant, and a 
little single cutter stood by the gate. We went up to 
the door and knocked, and a motherly lookin' woman 
with a bunch of catnip in her hand, came to the door. 

" Good evenin'," says I, but she seemed to be a lit- 
tle deaf, and didn't answer, and I SQe, as we stepped 
in, through a dow partly open, a room full of women. 

" Good many have got here," says I a little louder. 

" Yes, a very good doctor," says she. 

"What in the world!" — I begun to say in wild 
amaze. 

" 'No, it is a boy." 

I turned right round, and laid holt of Josiah ; says 



UPSET IN THE SNOW. 4^ 

I, "Start this minute, Josiah Allen, for the door," I 
laid holt of him, and got him to the door, and we never 
spoke another word till we was in the sleigh, and turned 
round towards home ; then says I, 

" Mebby you'll hear to me^ another time, Josiah. 

" I wish you wouldn't be so agravatin'," says he. 

Jest then we met the first load, where Tirzah Ann 
and Thomas Jefferson was, and we told 'em to " turn 
round, for they couldn't have us, they had other com- 
pany." So they turned round. We had got most 
back to Jones ville, when we met the other load ; they 
had tipped over in the snow, and as w^e drove out most 
to the fence to get by 'em, Josiah told 'em the same 
we had the other load. 

Says Betsey Bobbet, risin' up out of the snow with 
a buffalo skin on her back, which made her look wild, 

" Did they say we must not come ?" 

"JSTo, they didn't say jest that," says Josiah. "But 
they don't want you." 

" Wall then, my deah boys and girls," says she, 
scramblin' into the sleigh. " Let us proceed onwards, 
if they did not say we should not come." 

Her load went on, for her brother, Shakespeare 

Bobbet, was the driver. How they got along I haint 

never enquired, and they don't seem over free to talk 

about it. But they kep' on havin' 'era, most every 

night. Betsey Bobbet as I said was the leader, and 

she led 'em once into a house where they had the small 
3* 



50 A PEACEFUL EVENING AT SOME. 

pox, and once where tliej was makin' preparations for 
a funeral. Somehow Tirzah and Thomas Jefferson 
seemed to be sick of 'em, and as for Josiah, though he 
didn't say much, I knew he felt the more. 

This coinsidense took place on Tuesday night, and 
the next week a Monday I had had a awful day's work 
a washin', and we had been up all night the night be- 
fore with Josiah, who had the new ralegy in his back. 
We hadn't one of us slept a wink the night before, and 
Thomas Jefferson and Tirzah Ann had gone to bed 
early. It had been a lowery day, and I couldn't hang 
out my calico clothes, and so many of 'em was hung 
round the kitchen on lines and clothes bars, and nails, 
that Josiah and I looked as if we was a settin' in a wet 
calico tent. And what made it look still more melan- 
choly and sad, I found when I went to light the lamp, 
that the kerosene was all gone, and bein' out of can- 
dles, I made for the first time what they call a " slut," 
which is a button tied up in a rag, and put in a saucer 
of lard ; you set fire to the rag, and it makes a light 
that is better than no light at all, jest as a slut is better 
than no woman at all ; I suppose in that way it derived 
its name. But it haint a dazzlin' light, nothin' like 
so gay and festive as gas. 

I, beat out with work and watchin', thought I would 
soak my feet before I went to bed, and so I put some 
water into the mop pail, and sot by the stove with my 
feet in it. The thought had come to me after I got 



OUR HAPPINESS INTERRUPTED. 51 

my night-cap on. Josiali sot behind the stove, rubbm 
some linament onto his back ; he had jest spoke to me, 
and says he, 

" I believe this linament makes, my back feel easier, 
Samantha, I hope I shall get a little rest to-night," 

Says I, " I hope so too, Josiah." And jest as I said 
the words, without any warning the door opened, and 
in come whaft seemed to me at the time to be a hun- 
dred and 50 men, wimmen, and children, headed by 
Betsey Bobbet. 

Josiah, so wild with horror and amazement that he 
forgot for the time bein' his lameness, leaped from his 
chair, and tore so wildly at his shirt that he tore two 
pieces right out of the red flannel, and they shone on 
each shoulder of his white shirt like red stars ; he then 
backed up against the wall between the back door and 
the wood box. I rose up and stood in the mop pail, 
too wild with amaze to get out of it, for the same rea- 
son heedin' not my night-cap. 

" We have come to suprize you," says Betsey Bob- 
bet, sweetly. 

I looked at 'em in speechless horror, and my tongue 
clove to the roof of my mouth ; no word did I speak, 
but I glared at 'em with looks which I suppose filled 
'em with awe and dread, for Betsey Bobbet spoke again 
in plaintive accents, 

" Will you not let ua suprize you V* 



52 FEARFUL EXCITEMETW OF JOSIAH. 

Then I found voice, and " ]^o ! no !" says I wildly. 
" I won't be snprized ! you sha'n't suprize us to-night ! 
Wh won't be suprized ! Speak, Josiah," says I, ap- 
pealin' to him in my extremity. " Speak ! tell her ! 
will we be suprized to-night ?" 

" Ko ! no !" says he in firm, decided, warlike tones, 
as he stood backed up against the wall, holdin' his 
clothes on — with his red flannel epaulettes on his shoul- 
ders like a officer, " no, we won't be suprized !" 

" You see, deah friends," says she to the crowd, 
"she will not let us suprize her, we will go." But 
she turned at the door, and says.feiie in reproachful ac- 
cents, " M^ be it is right and propah to serve a old 
friend and neighbah in this way — I have known jiou a 
long time, Josiah Allen's wife." 

" I have known you plenty long enough," says I, 
steppin' out of the pail, and shettin' the door pretty 
hard after 'em. 

Josiah came from behind the stove pushing a chair 
jn front of him, and says he, 

" Darn suprize parties, and darn — " 

" Don't swear, Josiah, I should think you was bad 
enough oif without swearin'-" 

" I will dam Betsey Bobbet;, Samantha. Oh, my 
back !" he groaned, settin' down slowly, " I can't set 
down nor stand up." 

" You jumped up lively enough, when they come 
iti," says I. 



THE EDITOR'S SURPRIZE. 55 

" Throw that in my face, will yon ? What could I 
dn ? And there is a pin stickin' into my shoulder, do 
get it out, Samantha, it has been there all the time^ 
only I haint sensed it till now." 

"Wall," says I in a kinder, soothin tone, drawin' it 
out of his shoulder, where it must have hurt awfully, 
only he hadn't felt it in his greater troubles — " Less 
be thankful that we are as well off as we be. Betsey 
might havie insisted on stopin'. I will rub your shoul- 
ders with the linament, and I guess you will feel bet- 
ter ; do you suppose they will be mad ?" 

"I don't know, nor I don't care, but I hope so,'* 
says he. 

And truly his wish come to pass, for Betsey was 
real mad ; the rest didn't seem to mind it. But she 
was real short to me for three days. Which shows it 
makes a difference with her who does the same thing, 
for they went that night right from here to the Edi- 
tor of the Augur's. And it come straight to me from 
Celestine Wilkins, who was there, that he turned 'em 
out doors, and shet the door in their faces. 

The way it was, his hired girl had left him that 
yery day, and one of the twins was took sick with 
wind colic. He had jest got the sick baby to sleep, 
and laid it fn the cradle, and had gin the little welJ 
one some playthings, and set her down on the carpet, 
and he was washin' the supper dishes, with his shirt 
sleeveS' rolled up, and a pink bib-apron on that belonged 



56 flow IT CAME ABOUT. 

to his late wife. They said he had jest finished, and 
was wringin' out his dishcloth, when he heard a awful 
screamin' from the well twin, and he rushed out with 
his dishcloth hangin' over his arm, and found that she 
had swallowed a side-thimble ; he ketched her up, and 
spatted her back, and the thimble flew out half way 
across the floor. She screamed, and held her breath, 
and the sick one waked up, and sot up in the cradle 
and screamed fearfully, and jest then the door bust 
open, and in come the suprize party headed by Betsey 
Bobbet. They said that he, half crazy as he was, told 
Betsey that " if she (Mdn't head 'em off that minute, 
he would prosecute the whole of 'em." Some of 'em 
was mad about it, he acted so threat'nin', but Betsey 
wasn't, for in the next week's Augur these versea 
came out: 

IT 18 SWEET TO FORGIVE. 

It is sweet to be — it is sweet to live, 
But sweeteh the sweet word " forgive ; " 
If harsh, loud words should spoken be, 
Say " Soul be calm they come from he — 
When he was wild with toil and grief, 
When colic could not find relief; 
Such woe and cares should have sufficed. 
Then, he should not have been surprized. 

When twins are well, and the world looks bright, 

To be surprized, is sweet and right. 

But wken twins are sick, and the world looks sad, 

To be surprized is hard and bad, 

And when side thimbles swallowed be, 



A SELF-SACRIPICIN' FEMALE. 



57 



How can the world look sweet to he — 

Who owns the twin — faih babe, heaven bless it, 

Who hath no own motheh to caress it. 

Its own motheh hath sweetly gone above, 

Oh how much it needs a motheh's love. 

My own heart runs o'er with tenderness, 

But its deah father tries to do his best, 

But housework, men can't perfectly understand, 

Oh ! how he needs a helping hand. 

Ah! when twins are sick and hired girls have flown, 

It is sad for a deah man to be alone. 




^jt;^ 



A DAY OF TROUBLE. 



SUGERIN' time come pretty late this year, and I 
told Josiah, that I didn't believe I should have a 
better time through the whole year, to visit his folks, and 
mother Smith, than I should now before we begun to 
make sugar, for I knew no sooiier had I got that out 
of the way, than it would be time to clean house, 
and make soap. And then when the dairy work 
come on, I knew I never should get off. So I went. 
But never shall I forget the day I got back. I had 
been gone a week, and the childern bein' both off to 
school, Josiah got along alone. I have always said, 
and I say still, that I had jest as lives have a roarin' 
lion do my housework, as a man. Every thing that 
could be bottom side up in the house, was. 

I had a fortnights washin' to do, the house to clean 
up, churnin' to do, and bakin' ; for Josiah had eat up 
everything slick and clean, the buttery shelves looked 
like the dessert of Sarah. Then I had a batch of 

maple sugar to do off, for the trees begun to run after 

68 



A VIEW OF WOMAN'S DUTIES 59 

I went away and Josiali had syniped off — and some 
preserves to make, for his folks had gin me some 
pound sweets, and they was a epilein'. So it seemed 
as if everything come that day, besides my common 
housework — and well doth the poet say — "That a 
woman never gets her work done up," for she don't. 

'Novf when a man ploughs a field, or runs up a line 
of figgers, or writes a serming, or kills a beef critter, 
there it is done — no more to be done over. But spo- 
sen a woman washes up her dishes clean as a fiddle, 
no sooner does she wash 'em up once, than she has to, 
right over and over agin, three times three hundred 
and 65 times every year. And the same with the 
rest of her work, blackin' stoves, and fillin' lamps, 
and washin' and moppin' floors, and the same with 
cookin'. Why jest the idee of paradin' out the table 
and teakettle 3 times 3 hundred and 65 times every 
year is enough to make a woman sweat. And then to 
think of all the cookin' utensils and ingredients — why 
if it wuzzn't for principle, no woman could stand the 
idee, let alone the labor, for it haint so much the mus- 
sle she has to lay out, as the strain on her mind. 

Now last Monday, no sooner did I get my hands 
into the suds holt of one of Josiah's dirty shirts, than 
the sugar would mount up in the kettle and sozzle 
over on the tap of the farnace in the summer kitchen 
— or else the preserves would swell up and drizzle 
over the side of the pan on to the stove — or else the 



60 THE TROUBLE BEGINS. 

puddin' I was a bakin' for dinner would show signs of 
scorcliin', and jest as I was in the heat of the warfare, 
as yon may say, who should drive up but the Editor 
of the Agur. He was a goin' on further, to engage a 
hired girl he had liearn of, and on his way back, he 
was goin' to stop and read that poetry, and eat some 
maple sugar ; and he wanted to leave the twins till 
he come back. 

Says he, " They won't be any trouble to you, will 
they ?" I thought of the martyrs, and with a appear- 
ance of outward composure, I answered him in a sort 
of blind way ; but I won't deny that I had to keep a 
sayin', John Rogers ! John Rogers ' over to myself 
all the time I was ondoin' of 'era, or I should have 
said somethin' I was sorry for afterwards. The poe- 
try woried me the most, I won't deny. 

After the father drove off, the hrst dive the big- 
gest twin made was at the clock, he crep' up to that, 
and broke off the pendulum, so it haint been since, 
while I was a hangin' thier cloaks in the bedroom. 
And while I was a puttin' thier little oversocks under 
the stove to dry, the littlest one dim' up and sot down 
in a pail of maple syrup, and while I was a wringin' 
him out, the biggest one dove under the bed, at Josi- 
ah's tin trunk where he keeps a lot of old papers, and 
come a croepin' out, drawin' it after him like a hand- 
sled. There was a gography in it, and a Fox'es book 
of martyrs, and a lot of other Buch light reading' and 



BETSEY AND THE TWINS. 61 

I let the twins have 'em to recreate themselves on, 
and it kep 'em still most a minute. 

I hadn't much more'n got my eye ofFen that Fox'es 
book of Martyrs — when there appeared before 'em a 
still more mournful sight, it was Betsey Bobbet come 
to spend the day. 

I murmured dreamily to myself " John Eogers " — 
But that didn't do, I had to say to myself with firm- 
ness — " Josiah Allen's wife, haint you ashamed of 
yourself, what are your sufferin's to John Roger' ses ? 
Think of the agony of that man — think of his 9 cliil- 
dren follerin' him, and the one at the breast, what ai-c 
your sufferin's compared to his'en ?" Then with a 
brow of calm I advanced to meet her. I see she had 
got over bein' mad about the surprise party, for slie 
smiled on me once or twice, and as she looked at llio 
twins, she smiled 2 times on each of 'em, which made 
4: and says she in tender tones, 

"You deah little motherless things." Then she 
tried to kiss 'em. But the biggest one gripped lier by 
ber false hair, which was flax, and I should tliink by a 
careless estimate, that he pulled out about enough to 
make half a knot of thread. The little one didn't do 
much harm, only I think he loosened her teeth a little, 
he hit her pretty near the mouth, and I thought as 
she arose she slipped 'em back in thier place. But she 
only said, 

" Sweet ! sweet little things, how ardent and im- 
pulsive they are, so like thier deah Pa." 



62 A SOOTHIN' POULTICE. 

She took out her work, and says she, " I have come 
to spend the day. I saw thier deah Pa bringin' the 
deah little twins in heali, and I thought maybe I 
could comfort the precious little motherless things 
some, if I should come over heah. If there is any 
object upon the earth, Josiah Allen's wife, that appeals 
to a feelin' heart, it is the sweet little children of wid- 
owers. I cannot remember the time when I did not 
want to comfort them, and thier deah Pa's. I have 
always felt that it was woman's highest speah, her 
only mission to soothe, to cling, to smile, to coo. I 
have always felt it, and for yeali's back it has been a 
growin' on me. I feel that you do not feel as I do in 
this matter, you do not feel that it is woman's greatest 
privilege, her crowning blessing, to soothe lacerations, 
to be a sort of a poultice to the noble, manly breast 
when it is torn with the cares of life." 

This was too much, in the agitated frame of mind I 
then was. 

" Am I a poultice Betsey Bobbet, do I look like 
one ? — am I in the condition to be one ? " I cried turn- 
in' my face, red and drippin' with prespiration towards 
her, and then attacked one of Josiah's shirt sleeves 
agin. " "What has my sect done " says I, as I wildly 
rubbed his shirt sleeves, " That they have got to be 
lacerator soothers, when they have got everything else 
under the sun to do ?" Here I stirred down the pre- 
serves that was a runnin' over, and turned a pail full 



AN ARGUMENT WITH BETSEY. 63 

of syrup into the sugar kettle. " Everybody says that 
men are stronger than women, and why should they 
be treated as if they was glass china, liable to break 
all to pieces if they haint handled careful. And if 
they have got to be soothed," says I in an agitated 
tone, caused by my emotions (and by pumpin' 6 pails 
of water to fill up the biler), "Why don't they get 
men to sooth'ein? They have as much agin time as 
wiramen have ; evenin's they don't have anything else 
to do, they might jest as well be a soothin' each other 
as to be a hangin' round grocery stores, or settin' by 
the fire whittlin'." 

I see I was frightenin' her by my delerious tone and 
1 continued more mildly, as I stirred down the strug- 
glin' sugar with one hand — removed a cake from the 
oven with the other — watched my apple preserves 
with a eagle vision, and listened intently to the voice 
of the twins, who was playin' in the woodhouse. 

" I had jest as soon soothe lacerations as not, Bet- 
sey, if I hadn't everything else to do. 1 had jest as 
lives set down and smile at Josiah by the hour, but 
who would fry him nut cakes? I could smoothe 
down his bald head affectionately, but who would do 
off this batch of sugar ? I could coo at him day in 
and day out, but who would skim milk — wash pans — 
get vittles — wash and iron — and patch and scour — and 
darn and fry — and make and mend — and bake and bile 
while I was a cooin', tell me ? " says I. 

Betsey spoke not, but quailed, and I continued — 



64 I PREACH AND PRACTICE. 

" Women haint any stronger than men, naturally ; 
tliier backs and thier nerves liaint made of any stouter 
timber ; their hearts are jest as liable to ache as men's 
are ; so with thier heads ; and after doin' a hard day's 
work when she is jest ready to droj) down, a little 
smilin' and cooin' M^ould do a woman jest as much 
good as a man. l^ot what," I repeated in the firm 
tone of principle " Not but what I am willin' to coo, 
if I only had time." 

A pause enshued durin' which I bent over the wash- 
tub and rubbed with all my might on Josiah's shirt 
sleeve. I had got one sleeve so I could see streaks of 
white in it, (Josiali is awful hard on his shirt sleeves), 
and I lifted up my face and continued in still more 
reesonable tones, as I took out my rice puddin' and 
cleaned out the bottom of the oven, (the pudden had 
run over and was a scorchin' on), and scraped the 
oven bottom with a knife, 

" Now Josiali Allen will go out into that lot," says 
I, glancein' out of the north window " and plough 
right straight along, furrow after furrow, no sweat of 
mind about it at all ; his mind is in that free calm state 
that he could write poetry." 

" Speaking of poetry, reminds me," said Betsey, and 
I see her hand go into her pocket ; I knew what was 
a corain', and I went on hurriedly, wavin' off what I 
knew must be, as long as I could. " Now, I, a work- 
in' jest as hard as he accordin' to my strength, and 



BETSEY ASKS MY ADVICE. 65 

havin' to look 40 ways to once, and 40 different strains 
on my mind, now tell me candidly, Betsey Bobbet, 
which is in the best condition for cooin', Josiah Allen 
or me ? but it haint expected of him," says I in agi- 
tated tones, " I am expected to do all the smilin' and 
cooin' there is done, though you know," says I sternly, 
"that I haint no time for it." 

" In this poem, Josiah Allen's wife, is embodied 
my views, which are widely different from yours." 

I see it was vain to struggle against fate, she had the 
poetry in her hand. I rescued the twins from beneath 
a half a bushel of beans they had pulled over onto 
themselves — took off my preserves which had burnt 
to the pan while I was a rescuin', and calmly listened 
to her, while I picked up the beans with one hand, 
and held off the twins with the other. 

" There is one thing I want to ask your advice 
about, Josiah Allen's wife. This poem is for the 
Jonesville Augah. You know I used always to write 
for the opposition papah, the Jonesville Gimlet, but 
as I said the othah day, since the Editah of the 
Augah lost his wife I feel that duty is a drawing of 
me that way. Now do you think that it would be 
any more pleasing and comforting to that deah Editah 
to have me sign my name Bettie Bobbet — or Betsey, 
as I always have?" And loosin' herself in thought 
she murmured dreamily to the twins, who was a pull- 
in' each other's hair on the floor at her feet — 



66 BETSEY READS HER POEM. 

" Sweet little mothaliless things, you eouldn't tell 
me, could you, deahs, how your deah Pa would feel 
about it ?" 

Here the twins laid holt of each other so I had to 
part 'em, and as I did so I said to Betsey, " If you 
haint a fool you will hang on to tlie Betsey. You 
can't find a woman nowadays that answers to her true 
name. I expect," says I in a tone of cold and almost 
witherin' sarcasm, " that these old ears will yet hear 
some young minister preach about Johnnie the Bap- 
tist, and Minnie Magdalen. Hang on to the Betsey ; 
as for the Bobbet," says I, lookin' pityingly on her, 
" that will hang on for itself." 

I was too well bread to interrupt her further, and I 
pared my potatoes, pounded my beefsteak, and gupund 
my coffee for dinner, and listened. This commenced 
also as if she had been havdn' a account with Love, 
and had come out in his debt. 

OWED TO LOVE, 

Ah, when my deah future companion's heart with grief is rife, 
With his bosom's smart, with the cares of life, 
Ah, what higher, sweeter, bliss could be. 
Than to be a soothing poultice unto he ? 

And if he have any companions lost — if they from earth have risen. 
Ah, I could weep tears of joy — for the deah bliss of wiping away hisen ; 
Or if he (should happen to) have any twins, or othah blessed little ties, 
Ah, how willingljf on the altah of duty, B. Bobbet, herself would sacrifice. 

I would (all the rest of) life to the cold winds fling, 
And live for love — and live to cling. 
Fame, victuals, away ! away ! our food shall be, 
His Bmile on me — my sweet smile on he. 



I GIVE MY OPINION. 67 

There was pretty near twenty verses of 'em, and as 
she finished she said to me — 

''What think you of my poem, Josiah Allen's 
wife ?" 

" Says I, fixin' my sharp grey eyes upon her keenly, 
"I have had more experience with men than you 
have, Betsey ; " I see a dark shadow settlin' on her 
eye-brow, and I hastened to apologise — "you haint 
to blame for it, Betsey — we all know you haint to 
blame." 

She grew calm, and I proceeded, " How long do 
you suppose you could board a man on clear smiles, 
Betsey — you jest try it for a few meals and you'd find 
out. I have lived with Josiah Allen 14 years, and I 
ought to know somethin' of the natur of man, which 
is about alike in all of 'em, and I say, and I contend 
for it, that you might jest as well try to cling to a bear 
as to a hungry man. After dinner, sentiment would 
have a chance, and you might smile on him. But 
then," says I thoughtfully, "there is the dishes to 
wash." 

Jest at that minute the Editor of the Augur stopped 
at the gate, and Betsey, catchin' up a twin on each 
ai*m, stood up to the winder, smilin'. 

He jumped out, and took a great roll of poetry out 

from under the buggy seat — I sithed as I see it. But 

fate was better to me than I deserved. For Josiah 

was jest leadin' the horse into the horse barn, when 
4 



68 EETURN OF THE EDITOB. 

the Editor happened to look up and see Betsey. Jo- 

siah says he swore — says he "the d !" I won't 

say what it was, for I belong to the meetin' house, but 
it wasn't the Deity though it begun with a D. He 
jumped into the buggy agin, and says Josiah, 

" You had better stay to dinner, my wife is gettin' 
a awful good one — and the sugar is most done." 

Josiah says he groaned, but he only said — 

"Fetch out the twins.'' 

Says Josiah, " You had better stay to dinner — you 
haint got no women folks to your house — and I know 
what it is to live on pancakes," and wantin' to have a 
little fun with him, says he, " Betsey Bobbet is here," 

Josiah says he swore agin, and agin says he, " fetch 
out the twins." And he looked so kind o' wild and 
fearful towards the door, that Josiah started off on the 
run. 

Betsey was determined to carry one of the twins 
out, but jest at the door he tore every mite of hair 
offen her head, and she, bein' bald naturally, dropped 
him. And Josiah carried 'em out, one on each arm, 
and he drove off with 'em fast. Betsey wouldn't stay 
to dinner all I could do and say, she acted mad. But 
one sweet thought filled me with such joyful emotion 
that I smiled as I thought of it — I shouldn't have to 
listen to any more poetry that day. 



THE MINISTER'S BEDQUILT. 



The Baptists in oiir neigliborliood have been piecen' 
up a bedquilt for their minister. He has preached 
considerable, and held a Sunday school to our school- 
house, and I wasn't goin' to have any bedquilts done 
for him without havin' my hand in it to help it along. 
I despise the idee of folks bein' so sot on their own 
meetin' housen. Tliier is enough worldly things for 
neighbors to fight about, such as hens, and the school- 
marm, without takiu' what little religion they have 
got and go to peltin' each other with it. 

Sposen Baptists do love water better'n they do dry 

land ? What of it ? If my Baptist brethren feel any 

better to baptise thierselves^in the Atlantic ocian, it 

haint none of my business. Somehow Josiah seems 

to be more sot onto his own meetin' house than I do. 

Thomas Jefferson said when we was a arguin' about 

it the mornin' of the quiltin', says he, " The more 

water the better," says he, " it would do some of the 

69 



70 NATURAL EFFECTS OF QUILTINS. 

brethren good to put 'em asoak and let 'em lay over 
night." 

I shet him nj) pretty quick, for I will not counte- 
nance such light talk — but Josiah laughed, he encour- 
ages that boy in it, all I can do and say. 

I always make a pint of goin' to quiltins any way, 
whether I go on Methodist principle (as in this case) 
or not, for you can't be backbited to your face, that is 
a moral certainty. I know women jest like a book, 
for I have been one quite a spell. I always stand up 
for my own sect, still I know sartin effects foller sar- 
tin causes. Such as two bricks bein' sot up side by 
side, if one tumbles over on to the other, the other 
can't stand up, it haint natur. If a toper holds a 
glass of liquor to liis month he can't help swallowin' 
it, it haint nater. If a young man goes out slay- 
ridin' with a pretty girl, and the buffalo robe slips off, 
he can't help holdin' it round her, it haint nater. And 
quiltin' jest sets women to slanderin' as easy and beau- 
tiful as any thing you ever sec. I was the first one 
there, for reasons I have named ; I always go early. 

I hadn't been there long before Mrs. Deacon Dob- 
bins came, and then the Widder Tubbs, and then 
Squire Edwards' es wife and Maggie Snow, and then 
the Dagget girls. (We call 'em girls, though it would 
be jest as proper to call mutton, lamb.) 

Miss Wilkins' baby had the mumps, and the Peed- 
icks and Growdey's had unexpected company. But 



DISPOSIN' OF OUR NEIGHBORS. ^1 

with Miss Jones where the quiltin' was held, and her 
girls Mary Ann and Alzina, we made as many as could 
get round the qnilt handy. 

The qnilt was made of different kinds of calico ; all 
the women round had pieced up a block or two, and 
we took up a collection to get the battin' and linin' 
and the cloth to set it together with, which was turkey 
red, and come to quilt it, it looked well. We quilted 
it herrin' bone, with a runnin' vine round the boixler. 

After the pathmaster was demorilized, the school- 
teacher tore to pieces, the party to Peedicks scandal- 
ized, Sophronia Gowdey's charicter broke doun — and 
her mother's new bunnet pronounced a perfect fright, 
and twenty years too young for her — and Miss Wil- 
kins' baby voted a unquestionable idiot, and the rest 
of the unrepresented neighborhood dealt with, Lucin- 
da Dagget spoke up and says she — 

" I hope the minister will like the bedquilt." (Lu- 
cinda is the one that studies mathematics to harden 
her mind, and has the Koman nose.) 

" It haint no ways likely he will," says her sister 
Ophelia ; (she is the one that frizzles her hair on top 
and wears spectacles.) " It haint no ways likely he 
will — for he is a cold man, a stun statute." 

Now you see I set my eyes by that minister, if he 
is of another persuasion. He is always doin' good to 
somebody, besides preachin' more like a angel than a 
human bein'. I can't never forget — and I don't want 



Y2 HOW THE MINISTER WAS COURTED. 

to — liow lie took holt of my hand, and how his voice 
trembled and the tears stood in his eyes, when we 
thought our Tirzah Ann was a dj'in' — she was in his 
Sunday School class. There is some lines in your life 
you can't rub out, if you try to ever so hard. And I 
wasn't goin' to set still and hear him run down. It 
riled up the old Smith blood, and when that is riled, 
Josiali says he always feels that it is best to take his 
hat and leave, till it settles. I spoke right up and 
says I — 

" Lucky for him he was made of stun before he was 
married, for common flesh and blood would have gin' 
out a hundred times, chaste round by the girls as he 
was." You see it was the town talk, how Ophelia 
Dagget acted before he was married, and she almost 
went into a decline, and took heaps of motherwort 
and fetty. 

"I don't know what jo\i mean, Miss Allen," says 
she, turnin' red as a red brick, " I never heard of his 
bein' chaste, I knew I never could bear the sight of 
him." 

" The distant sight," says Alzina Jones. 

Ophelia looked so mad at that, that I don't know 
but she would have pricked her with her quiltin' 
needle, if old Miss Dobbins hadn't spoke up. She is 
a fat old lady, with a double chin, "mild and lovely 
as Mount Vernon's sister. She always agrees with 
everybody. Thomas Jefferson calls her "Woolen 



THE MINISTER'S WIFE. 73 

Apron " for he says he heard her one day say to Miss 
Gowdy — "I don't like woolen aprons, do you Miss 
Gowdyt" 

" Why yes, Miss Dobbin, I do." 

"Well so do I," says she. But good old soul, if we 
was all such peace makers as she is, we s^iould be 
pretty sure of Heaven. Though Thomas Jefferson 
says, " if Satan should ask her to go to his house, she 
would go, rather than hurt his feelin's." That boy 
worrys me, I don't know what he is a comin' to. 

As I said, she looked up mildly over her spectacles, 
and nodded her purple cap ribbons two or three times, 
and said "yes," "jest so," to both of us. And then 
to change the subject says she ; 

" Has the minister's wife got home yet ?" 

" I think not," says Maggie Snow. " I was to the 
village yesterday, and she hadn't come then." 

" I suppose her mother is well off," says the Widder 
Tubbs, "and as long as she stays there, she saves 
the minister five dollars a week, 1 should think she 
would stay all summer." The widder is about as 
equinomical a woman as belongs to his meetin house. 

" It don't look well for her to be gone so long," 
says Lucinda Dagget, " I am very much afraid it will 
make talk." 

"Mebby it will save the minister five dollars a 
week," says Ophelia, " as extravagant as she is in 
dress, as many as four silk dresses she has got, and 



74 ARRIVAL OF BETSEY BOBBET. 

there's Baptist folks as good as she is that hain't got but 
one — and one certain Baptist person full as good as 
she is that hain't got any." (Ophelia's best dress is 
poplin.) " It wont take her long to run out the min- 
ister's salary." 

" She had her silk dresses before she was mairried, 
and her folks were wealthy," says Mrs. Squiue Ed- 
wards. 

" As much as we have done for them, and are still 
doing," says Lucinda, " it seems ungrateful in her to 
wear suish a bunnet as she wore last summer, a plain 
white straw, with a little bit of ribbon onto it, not 
a flower nor a feather, it looked so scrimped and stin- 
gy, I have thought she wore it on purpose to mortify 
us before the Methodists. Jest as if we couldn't af- 
ford to dress our minist-er's wife as well as they did 
theirs." 

Maggie Snow's cheeks was a getting as red as fire, 
and her eyes began to shine, jest as they did that day 
she found some boys stonein' her kitten. She and the 
minister's wife are the greatest friends tjiat ever was. 
And 1 see she couldn't hold in much longer. She 
was jest openin' her mouth to speak, when the door 
opened and in walked Betsey Bobbet. 

" My ! it seems to me you are late, Betsey, but walk 
right into the spare bedroom, and take off your 
things." 

" Things ! says Betsey, in a reckless tone, " who 



BETSEY UNDER EXCITEMENT. 7S 

cares for things !" And she dropped into the nearest 
rocking chair and commenced to rock herself violently 
and says she " would that I had died when I was a in- 
fant babe." 

" Amen !" whispered Alzina Jones, to Maggie 
Snow. 

Betsey didn't hear her, and again she groaned out, 
"Would that I had been laid in yondeh church yard, 
before my eyes had got open to depravity and wick- 
edness." 

"Do tell us what is the matter Betsey," says Miss 
Jones.. 

" Yes do," says Miss Deacon Dobbins. 

"Matter enuff," says she, "No wondeh there is 
earthquakes and jars. I heard the news jest as I 
came out of our gate, and it made me weak as a cat, I 
had to stop to every house on the way doun heah, to 
rest, and not a soul had heard of it, till I told 'em. 
Such a shock as it gave me, I shant get over it for a 
week, but it is just as I always told you, I always said 
the minister's wife wasn't any too good. It didn't 
surprise me not a bit." 

" You can't tell me one word against Mary Morton 
that 111 believe," says Maggie Snow. 

" You will admit that the minister went North last 
Tuesday, wont you." 

Seven wimmin spoke up at once and said : " Yes, 

his mother was took sick, and telegraphed for him." 
4* 



i6 THE QUILTIN' PARTY OVERWHELMED. 

" So he said," said Betsey Bobbet, " so he said, but 
1 believe it is for good." 

" Oh dear," shrieked Ophelia Dagget, " I shall faint 
away, ketch hold of me, somebody." 

" Ketch hold of yourself," says I coolly, and then 
says I to Betsey, " I don't believe he has run away no 
more than I believe that I am the next President of 
the United States." 

"Well, if he is not, he will wish he had, his wife 
come home this morning on the cars. 

Four wimmens said " Did she," two said, " Do tell," 
and three opened their mouths and looked at her 
speechlesss. Amongst these last was Miss Deacon 
Dobbins. But I spoke out in a collected manner, 
"What of it?" 

Says she, " I believe the poor, deah man mistrusted 
it all out and run away from trouble and disgrace 
brought upon him by that female, his wife." 

" How dare you speak the word disgrace in connec- 
tion with Mary Morton ?" says Maggie Snow. 

" How dare I ?" says Betsey. " Ask Thomas Jef- 
ferson Allen, as it happened, I got it from his own 
mouth, it did not come through two or three." 

" Got what ?" says I, and I continued in pretty cold 
tones, " If you can speak the English language, Bet- 
sey Bobbet, and have got sense enough to tell a straight 
story, tell it and be done with it," says T. " Thomas 
Jefferson has been to Jonesville ever sense mornin'." 



ASTOUNDING DISCLOSURES. 79 

" Yes," says she, " and lie was coining home, jest as 
I started for heah, and he stopped by our gate, and 
says he, ' Betsey, I have got something to tell you. I 
want to tell it to somebody that can keep it, it ought 
to be kept,' says he ; and tlien he went on and told ; 
says he, — ' The minister's wife has got home, and she 
didn't come alone neither.' " 

" Says I, what do you mean ? He looked as mys' 
terious as a white ghost, and says he, ' I mean what I 
say»' Says he, *I was in the men's room atihe depot 
this morning, and I heard the minister's wife in the 
next room talking to some body she called Hugh, you 
know her husband's name is Charles. I heard her 
tell this Hugh that she loved him, loved him better 
than the whole -vTorld ; ' and then he made me promise 
not to tell, but he said he heerd not only one kiss, but 
fourteen or fifteen." 

" Now," says Betsey, " what do you think of that 
female ?" 

" Good Heavens !" cried Ophelia Dagget, " am I de» 
ceived ? is this a phantagory of the brain ? have I got 
ears? have I got ears?" says she wildly, glaring at me. 

" You can feel and see," says I pretty short. 

"Will he live with the wretched creature?" contin- 
ued Ophelia, " no he will get a divorcement from her, 
such a tender hearted man too, as he is, if ever a man 
wanted a comforter in a tryin' time, he is the man, 
and to-morrow I will so and comfort him." 



80 THE STORY DISCUSSED. 

"Methinks yoii will find him first," says Betsey 
Bobbet. •" And after he is found, methinks there is a 
certain person he would be as glad to see as he would 
another certain person." 

"There is some mistake," says Maggie Snow. 
" Thomas Jefferson is always joking," and her face 
blushed up kinder red as she spoke about Thomas J. 

I don't make no matches, nor break none, but I watch 
things prelty keen, if I don't say much. 

" It was a male man," says Lucinda Dagget, " else 
why did she call him Hugh ? You have all heerd Elder 
Morton say that his wife hadn't a relative on earth, 
except a mother and a maiden aunt. It couldn't have 
been her mother, and it couldn't have been the maid- 
en aunt, for her name was Martha instead of Hugh ; 
besides," she continued, ( she had so hardened her mind 
with mathematics that she could grapple the htlndiest 
fact, and floor it, so to speak,) " besides, the maiden 
aunt died six months ago, lAiat settles the matter con- 
clusively, it was not the maiden aunt." 

" I have thought something was on the Elders mind, 
for quite a spell, I have spoke to sister Gowdy about 
it a number of times," then she kinder rolled up her 
eyes just as she does in conference meetin's, and says 
she, " it is an awful dispensation, but I hope he'll turn 
it into a means of grace, I hope his spiritual strength 
will be renewed, but I have borryed a good deal of 



MAGGIE SNOW AN UNBELIEVER. SI 

trouble about his bein' so handsome, I have noticed 
handsome ministers don't turn out well, they most al- 
ways have somethin' happen to 'em, sooner or later, 
but 1 hope he'll be led." 

"I never thought that Miss Morton was any 
too good." 

" Neither did I," said Lucinda Dagget. 

" She has turned out jest as I always thought she 
would," says Ophelia, " and I think jest as much of 
her, as I dp of them that stand up for her." Maggie 
Snow sj)oke up then, jest as clear as a bell her voice 
sounded. She hain't afraid of anybody, fbr she is 
Lawyer Show's only child, and has been to Boston to 
school. Says she "Aunt Allen," she is a little related 
to me on her mother's side. " Aunt Allen, why is it 
as a general rule, the worst folks are the ones to sus- 
pect other people of bein' bad." 

Says I, "Maggy, they draw their pictures from 
memery, they think, ^ now if / had that opportunity to 
do wrong, I should certainly improve it — and so of 
com-se they did.' And they want to pull down other 
folks'es reputations, for they feel as if their own good- 
ness is in a totterin' condition, and if it falls, they 
want somethin' for it to fall on, so as to come down 
easier like." 

Maggy Snow laughed, and so did Squire Edwards' 
wife, and the Jones'es — but Betsey Bobbet, and the 
Dagget girls looked black as Erobius. And says Bet- 



g^ WIMMEN FLINGIN' STUNS. 

sey Bobbet to me, " I shouldn't tbink, Josiab Allen's 
wife, that you would countenance sucb conduct." 

" I will first know that there is wrong conduct," 
says I — " Miss Morton's face is just as innocent as a 
baby's, and I hain't a goin' to mistrust any evil out of 
them pretty brown eyes, till I am obleeged to." 

" Well, you will have to believe it," says Ophelia 
Dagget — and there shall be somethin' done about it as 
sure as my name is Ophelia Dagget." 

" Let him that is without sin amongst you cast the 
first stone," says Miss Squire Edwards — a better Bap- 
tist women never lived than she is. 

" Yes," says I in almost piercen' tones, " which of 
us is good enough to go into the stun business ? Even 
j':pposin' it was true, which I never will believe on 
earth, which of us could stun her on gospel grounds ? 
— who will you find that is free from all kind of sin" ? 
and as I spoke, remorseful thoughts almost knocked 
against my heart, how I had scolded Josiah the night 
before for goin' in his stockin feet, 

" I never see a female women yet that I thought was 
perfect, and yet how willin' they are to go to handlin' 
these stuns — why wimmen fling enough stuns at each 
other exQYj day, to make a stun wall that would reach 
from pole to pole." 

Just at this minute the hired girl come in, and said 
supper was on the table, and we all went out to eat 
it. Miss Jones said there wasn't anything on the ta- 



THE MINISTER ARRIVES. 83 

ble fit to eat, and she was afraid we couldn't make ont 
— ^but it was a splendid supper, fit for the Zaar of 
Rushy. 

We hadn't moren' got up from the supper table, and 
got back into the parlor, when we heard a knock onto 
the front door, and Miss Jones went and opened it, 
and who of all the live world should walk in but the 
minister ! The faces of the wimmen as he entered would 
have been a study for Michael Angelico, or any of them 
old painters. Miss J'ones was that flustrated that she 
asked him the first thing to take his bunnet off", and 
then she bethought herself, and says she, ' How's your 
Ma ? ' before she had sat him a chair or anything. But 
he looked as pleasant and composed as ever, though 
his eyes kinder laughed. And he thanked her and 
told her he left his mother the day before a good deal 
better, and then he turned to Maggy Snow, and says 
he," 

" I have come after you Miss Maggy, my wife come 
home this mornin' and was so anxious to see you that 
I told her as I had business past your house this after- 
noon, I would call for you as I went home, and your 
mother told me you were here. I think I knoM' why 
she wants to see you so very much now. She is so 
proud of our boy, she can't wait* till " 

" Your boy," gasped nine wimmen to once. 

"Yes," says he smilin' more pleasant than I ever 
seen him. " I know you will wish me joy, we have a 



u 



THE MYSTERY SOLVED. 



nice little boy, little Hugh, for my wife has named 
him already for her father, he is a fine healthy little 
fellow almost two months old." 

It wouldn't have done no good for Michael Angelico 
or Mr. Ruben, to have been there then, nor none of 
the rest of them we read about, for if they had their 
palates' es and easels'es all ready, they never could have 
done justice to the faces of the Dagget girls, and Bet- 
sey Bobbet. And as for Miss Deacon Dobbins, her 
spectacles fell off unnoticed and she opened her mouth 
so wdde, it was very doubtful to me if she could ever 
shut it again. Maggy Snow's face shone like a Cher- 
ubim, and as for me, I can truly say I was happy 
enough to sing the Te Deus. 




A ALLEGORY ON WIMMEN'S RIGHTS. 



ABOUT a couple of weeks after the quiltm',Tliomas 
Jefferson said to Josiah, one Saturday mornin', 

"Father, can I have the old mare to go to Jones- 
villte to-night ?" 

" What do you want to go to Jonesville for ?" said 
his father, " you come from there last night." 

" There is goin' to be a lecture on wimmin's rights ; 
can I have her, father ?" 

" I s'posie so," says Josiah, kinder short, and after 
Thomas J. went out, Josiah went on — 

" Wimmin's rights, wimmin's rights, I wonder how 
many more fools are goin' a caperin' round the coun- 
try preachin' 'em up — I am sick of wimmin's rights, I 
don't believe in 'em." 

This riled up the old Smith blood, and says I to him 

with a glance that went clear through to the back side 

of his head — 

" I know you don't, Josiah Allen. — I caia tell a man 
85 



S6 A WOMAN'S RIGaxS MAN. 

that is for wimmin's rights as fur as I can see 'em. 
There is a free, easy swing to thier walk — a noble look 
to thier faces — thier big hearts and soles love liberty 
and justice, and bein' free themselves they want every- 
body else to be free These men haint jealous of a 
woman's influence — haint afraid that she won't pay 
him proper respect if she haint obleeged to — and they 
needn't be afraid, for these are the very men that wim- 
min look up to, and worship, — and always will. A 
good, noble, true man is the best job old natur ever 
t irned oH her hands, or ever will — a man, that would 
wipe oif a baby's tears as soft as a woman could, or 
" die with his face to the foe." 

" They are most always big, noble-sized men, too," 
says I, with another look at Josiah that pierced him 
like a arrow ; (Josiah don't weigh quite one hundred 
by the steelyards.) 

" I doji't know as J am to blame, Samantha, for not 
bein' a very hefty man." 

" You can let your sole grow, Josiah Allen, by 
thinkin' big, noble-sized thoughts, and I believe if you 
did, you would weigh more by the steelyards." 

" Wall, I don't care, Samantha, I stick to it, that I 
am sick of wimmin's rights; if wimmin would take 
care of the rights they have got now, they would do 
better than they do do." 

Now I love to see folks use reason if they have got 
any — and I won't stand no impoi'tations cast on to my 



IDIOTS, LUNATICS AND WlMMEN. 87 

sect — and so I sajs to him in a tone of cold and almost 
freezin' dignity — 

" What do you mean, Josiah ?" 

" I mean that women hain't no business a votin' ; 
they had better let the laws alone, and tend to thicr 
housework. The law loves wimmin and protects 
'em." 

" If the law loves wimmin so well, why don't he 
give her as much wages as men get for doin' the same 
work ? Why don't he give her half as much, Josiah 
Allen ?" 

Josiah waved oif my question, seemin'ly not notic- 
in' of it — and continued with the doggy obstinacy of 
his sect — 

" Wimmin haint no business with the laws of the 
country." 

" If they haint no business with the law, the law 
haint no business with them," says I warmly. "Of 
the three classes that haint no business with tlie law — 
lunatics, idiots, and wimmin — the lunatics and idi- 
ots have the best time of it," says I, with a gi-cat 
rush of ideas into my brain that almost lifted up the 
border of my head-dress. " Let a idiot kill a man ; 
' What of it V says the law ; let a limy steal a sheep ; 
again the law murmurs in a calm and gentle tone, 
' What of it ? they haint no business with the law and 
the law haint no business with thein.' But let one of 
the third class, let a' woman steal a sheep, does the 



88 THE WOMAN SHEEP STEALER. 

law sootlie her in these comfortin' tones ? No, it thun- 
ders to her, in awful accents, ' You haint no business 
with the law, but the law has a good deal of business 
with you, vile female, start for State's prisen; you 
haint nothin' at all to do with the law, only to pay all 
the taxes it tells you to — embrace a license bill that is 
ruinin' your husband — give up your innocent little 
children to a wicked father if it tells you to — and a 
few other little things, such as bein' dragged off to 
prison by it — chained up for life, and hung, and et 
cetery.' " 

Josiah sot motionless — and in a rapped eloquence I 
went on in the allegory way. 

" ' Methought I once heard the words,' sighs the fe- 
male, ' True government consists in the consent of the 
governed ;' did I dream them, or did the voice of a In- 
ny pour them into my ear V 

" ' Haint I toid you,' frouns the law on her, * that 
that don't mean wimmin — ^have I got to explain to 
your weakened female comprehension again, the great 
fundymental truth, that wimmin haint included and 
mingled in the law books and statutes of the country 
only in a condemnin' and punishin' sense, as it were. 
Though I feel it to be bendin' down my powerful 
manly dignity to elucidate the subject further, T will 
consent to remind you of the eonsolin' fact, that though 
you wimmin are, from the tender softness of your na- 
tures, and the illogical weakness of your minds, unfit 



THE RIGHT TO BE HUNG. 89 

from ever haviu' any voice in makin' the laws that 
govern you ; you have the right, and nobody can ever 
deprive you of it, to be punished in a future world jest 
as hard as a man of the strongest intellect, and to be 
hung in this world jest as dead as a dea-d man ; and 
what more can you ask for, you unreasonable female 
woman you V 

" Then groans the woman as the great fundymental 
truth rushes upon her — 

" ' I can be hung by the political rope, but I can't 
help twist it.' 

" ' Jest so,' says the law, ' that rope takes noble and 
manly fingers, and fingers of principle to twist it, and 
not the weak unprincipled grasp of lunatics, idiots, 
and wimmin.' 

" ' Alas !' sithes the woman to herself, ' would that 
I had the sweet rights of my wild and foolish compan- 
ions, the idiots and lunys. But,' says she, venturing 
with a beating heart, the timid and bashful incpiiry, 
' are the laws always just, that I should obey them 
tlius implicitly ? There is old Creshus, he stole two 
millions, and the law cleared hini triumphantly. Sev- 
eral men have killed various other men, and the law 
insistin' they was out of their heads, (had got out of 
'em for the occasion, and got into 'em agin the minute 
they was cleared,) let 'em off with sound necks. And 
I, a poor woman, have only stole a sheep, a small-sized 
sheep too, that my offspring might not perish with 



90 THE RIGHT TO GO TO PRISON, 

liunger — is it right to liberate in a triumphin' way the 
two million stealer and the man murderer, and inkar- 
cerate the poor sheep stealer? and mj children was so 
hungry, and it was such a small sheej),' says the wom- 
an in pleadin' accents. 

" ' Idiots ! lunatics ! and wimmin ! are the}'^ goin' to 
speak V thunders the law. ' Can I believe my noble 
right ear ? can I bein' blindfolded trust my seventeen 
senses? I'll have you understand that it haint no 
woman's business whether the laws are just or unjust, 
all you have got to do is jest to obey 'em, so start off 
for prison, my young woman.' 

" ' But my house-work,' pleads the woman ; ' wom- 
an's place is home : it is her duty to remain at all haz- 
ards within its holy and protectin' precincts ; how can 
I leave its sacred retirement to moulder in State's 
prison ?' 

" ' House-work !' and the law fairly yells the woMs, 
he is so filled with contempt at the idee. 'House- 
work ! jest as if house-work is goin' to stand in the 
way of the noble administration of the law. I admit 
the recklessness and immorality of her leavin' that 
holy haven, long enough to vote — but I guess she can 
leave her house-work long enough to be condemned, 
and hung, and so forth.' 

" ' But I have got a infant,' says the woman, ' of ten- 
der days, how can I go ?' 

" ' That is nothing to the case,' says the law in stern 



CONTEMPT OF COURT. 91 

tones. ' The peculiar conditions of motherhood only 
unfits a female woman from ridin' to town with her 
husband, in a covered carriage, once a year, and lajin' 
her vote on a pole. I'll have you understand it is no 
hindrance to her at all in a cold and naked cell, or in 
a public court room crowded with men.' 

" ' But the indelikacy, the outrage to my womanly 
. nature V says the woman. 

" ' Not another word out of your head, young wom- 
an,' says the law, ' or I'll fine you for contempt. I 
guess the law knows what is indelikacy, and what 
haint ; where modesty comes in, and where it don't ; 
now start for prison bareheaded, for I levy on your 
bunnet for contempt of me.' 

" As the young woman totters along to prison, is it 
any wonder that she sithes to herself, but in a low 
tone, that the law might not hear her, and deprive her 
also of her shoes for her contemptas thoughts — 

" ' Would that I were a idiot ; alas ! is it not possible 
that I may become even now a luny ? — then I should 
be respected.' " 

As I finished my allegory and looked down from 
the side of the house, where my eyes had been fastened 
in the rapped eloquence of thought, I see Josiali with 
a contented countenance, readin' the almanac, and I 
said to him in a voice before which he quailed — 

" Josiah Allen, you haint heard a word I've said, 
you know you haint." 



92 RIGHT TO HANDLE HOP POLES. 

'' Yes I have," says lie, shettin' up tlie almanac ; " I 
heard you say wimmin ought to vote, and I say she 
hadn't. I shall always say that she is too fraguile, too 
delikate, it would be too hard fbr hei- to go to the pole." 

" There is one pole you are willin' enough I should 
go to, Josiah Allen," and I stopped allegorin', and 
spoke with witherin' dignity and self respect — "and 
that is the hop pole." (Josiah has sot out a new hop 
yard, and he proudly brags to the neighbors that I am 
the fastest picker in the yard.) "You are willin' 
enough I should handle them poles !" He looked smit 
and conscience struck, but still true to the inherient 
principles of his sect, and thier doggy obstinacy, he 
murmured — 

" If wimmin know when they are well off, they will 
let poles and 'lection boxes alone, it is too wearin for 
the fair sect." 

" Josiah Allen," says I, " you think that for a wom- 
an to stand up straight on her feet, imder a blazin' 
sun, and lift both her arms above her head, and pick 
seven bushels of hops, mingled with worms and spi- 
ders, into a gigantic box, day in, and day out, is awful 
healthy, so strengthenin' and stimulatin' to wimmin, 
but when it comes to droppin' a little slip ot clean pa- 
per into a small seven by nine box, once a year in a 
shady room, you are afraid it is goin' to break down a 
woman's constitution to once." 

He was speechless, and clung to Ayer'es almanac 
mechanically (as it were) and I continued — 



AN ANTI WIMMEN'S RIGHTS MAN. 93 

" There is another pole you are willin' enough for 
me to handle, and that is our cistern pole. If you 
should spend some of the breath you waste — in pityin' 
the poor wimmin that have got to vote — in by in' a 
pump, you would raise 25 cents in my estimation, Jo- 
siah Allen. You have let me pull on that old cistern 
pole thirteen years, and get a ten quart pail of water 
on to the end of it, add I guess the political pole 
wouldn't draw much harder than that does." 

" I guess I will get one, Samantha, when I sell the 
old critter. I have been a calculatin' to every year, 
but things will kinder run along." 

" I am aware of that," says I in a tone of dignity 
cold as a lump of cold ice. " I am aware of that. You 
may go into any neighborhood you please, and if there 
is a family in it, where the wife has to set up leeches, 
make soap, cut her own kindlin' wood, build fires in 
winter, set up stove-pipes, dround kittens, hang out 
clothes lines, cord beds, cut up pork, skin calves, and 
hatchel flax with a baby lashed to her side — I haint 
afraid to bet you a ten cent bill, that that womans 
husband thinks that wimmin are too feeble and deli- 
cate to go the pole." 

Josiah was speechless for pretty near half a minute, 
and when he did speak it was words calculated to draw 
my attention from contemplatin' that side of the sub- 
ject. It was for reasons, I have too much respect for 

my husband to even hint at — odious to him, as odious 
4X 



94: • fliRED HUSBANDa. 

could be — lie wanted me to forget it, and in tliie gen- 
tle and slieepisli manner men can so readily assume 
when they are talkin' to females he said, as he gently 
fingered Ayer's almanac, and looked pensively at 
the dyin' female revivin' at a view of the bottle — 

" We men think too much of you wimmin to want 
you to lose your sweet, dignified, retirin' modesty that 
is your chieftest charm. How long would dignity and 
modesty stand firm before the wild Urena of public 
life ? You are made to be happy wives, to be guarded 
by the stronger sect, from the cold blast and the torrid 
2one. To have a fence built around you by manly 
strength, to keep out the cares and troubles of life. 
Why, if I was one of the fair sect, I would have a hus- 
band to fence me in, if I had to hire one." 

He meant this last, about liirin' a husband, as a joke, 
for he smiled feebly as he said it, and in other and 
happier times stern duty would have compelled me to 
laugh at it — but not now, oh no, my breast was heav- 
in' with too many different sized emotions. 

" You would hire one, would you ? a woman don't 
lose her dignity and modesty a racin' round tryin' to 
get married, does she ? Oh no," says I, as sarcastic 
as sarcastic could be, and then I added sternly, " If it 
ever does come in fashion to hire husbands by the 
year, I know of one that could be rented cheap, if his 
wife had the proceeds and avails in a pecuniary sense." 

He looked almost mortified, but still he murmtir'd 



MARRIAGE COMPARED WITH SLAVERY. 95 

as if mechanically. " It is wimmen's place to many 
and not to vote." 

" Josiah Allen," says I, " Anybody would thijik to 
hear you talk that a woman couldn't do hut just one 
of the two things any way — marry or vote, and had 
got to take her choice of the two at the pint of the 
bayonet. And anybody would think to hear you go 
on, that if a women could live in any other way, she 
wouldn't be married, and you couldn't get her to." 
Says I, looking at him shrewdly, "if marry in' is such 
a dreadful nice thing for wimmen I don't see what 
you are afraid of. You men act kinder guilty about 
it, and I don't wonder at it, for take a bad husband, 
and thier haint no kind of slavery to be compared to 
wife slavery. It is jest as natural for a mean, cow- 
ardly man to want to abuse and tyranize over them 
that they can, them that are dependent on 'em, as for 
a noble and generous man to want to protect them 
that are weak and in their power. Figurin' accordin' 
to the closest rule of arithmetic, there are at least one- 
third mean, dissopated, drunken men in the world, and 
they most all have wives, and let them tread on these 
wives ever so hard, if they only tread accordin' to law, 
she can't escape. And suppose she ti-ies to escape, 
blood-hounds haint half so bitter nfs public opinion on 
a women that parts with her husband, chains and 
handcuffs haint*to be compared to her pride, and her 
love for^ her children, and^so she keeps still, and suf- 



96 TRUE MARRIAGES. 

fers agony enough to make four first class martyrs. 
Field slaves liave a few hours for rest at night, and a 
tope, to kinder boy them up, of gettin' a better master. 
But the wife slave has no hope of a change of masters, 
and let him be ever so degraded and brutal is at his 
mercy day and night. Men seem to be awful afraid 
that wimmen wont be so fierce for marryin' anybody, 
for a home and a support, if they can support them- 
selves independent, and be jest as resj^ectable in the 
eyes of the world. But" says I, 

" In them days when men and wimmen are both 
independent — ^free and equal, they will marry in the 
only true way — from love and not from necessity. They 
will marry because God will join their two hearts and 
hands so you cant get 'em apart no how. But to hear 
you talk Josiah Allen, anybody would think that there 
wouldn't another woman marry on earth, if they could 
get rid of it, and support themselves without it." And 
then I added, fixin' my keen grey eyes uj^on his'en. 
" You act guilty about it Josiah Allen." " But" says 
I, "just so long as the sun shines down upon the earth 
and the earth answers back to it, blowin' all out full 
of beauty — Jest so long as the moon lookii-down lov- 
m'ly upon old ocien makin' her heart beat the faster, 
jest so long will the hearts and souls God made * for 
each j3ther, answer to each other's call. God's laws 
can't be repealed, Josiah Allen, they wasn't. made in 
"Washington, D. C." 

I hardly ever see a; man quail more than.he did, and 



HAPPY HOMES AND CHILDREN. 07 

to tell the truth, I guess I never had been quite so elo 
quent in all the l-t years we had lived together — I felt 
so eloquent that I couldn't stop myself and I went on. 
"When did you ever see a couple that hated each other, 
or didn't care for each other, but what their children, 
was either jest as mean as pusley — or else wilted and 
unhappy lookin' like a potato sprout in a dark suller? 
What that potato sprout wants is sunshine, Josiah Al- 
len, What them children wants is love. The fact is 
love is what makes a home — I don't care whether its 
walls are white, stone, marble or bass wood. If there 
haint a face to the winder a waitin' for you, when you 
liave been off to the store, what good does all your 
things do you, though you have traded off ten pounds 
of butter ?" A lot oi folks may get together in a big 
splendid house, and be called by the same name, and 
eat and sleep under the same roof till they die, and 
call it home, but if love don't board with 'em, give me 
an umbrella and a stump. But the children of these 
marriages that I speak of, when they see such perfect 
harmony of mind and heart in their father and moth- 
er, when they have been brought up in such a warm? 
bright, happy home — they can't no more help growin' 
np sweet, and noble, and happy, than your wheat 
can help growin' up straight and green when tlie warm 

rain and the sunshine falls on it. These children, Jo- 

1. • 

siah Allen, are the future men and wimmens who are 

goin' to put their shoulder blades to the wheel and 
roll • thisjworld straight into millenium." Says Josiah, 



yo A ANGEL WANTS FIRE WOOD. 

" Wimmen are too good to vote with us men, wim- 
men haint inucli more nor less than angels any way." 

When you have been soarin' in eloquence, it is al- 
ways hard to be brought down sudden — it hurts you 
to light — and this speech sickened me, and says I, 
in a tone so cold that he shivered imperceptibly. 

" Josiah Allen, there is one angel that would be glad 
to have a little wood got for her to get dinner with," 
" there is one angel that cut every stick of wood she 
burnt yesterday, that same angel doin' a big washin' 
at the same time," and says I, repeatin' the words, as 
I glanced at the beef over the cold and chilly stove, 
" I should like a handful of wood Josiah Allen." 

" I would get you some this minute Samantha," says 
he gettin' up and takin' down his plan tin' bag, " but 
you know jest how hurried I be with my spring's 
work, can't you pick up a little for this forenoon ? you 
haint got much to do have you ?" 

" Oh no !" says I in a lofty tone of irony, " ISTothin' 
at all, only a big ironin', ten pies and six loves of bread 
to bake, a cheese curd to run up, 3 hens to scald, 
churnin' and moppin' and dinner to get. Jest a easy 
mornin's work for a angel." 

" "Wall then, I guess you'll get along, and to-morrow 
I'll try to get you some." 

I said no more, but with lofty emotions surgin' in 
my breast, I took my axe and started for the wood-pile. 



A AXIDENT. 



I have been sick enough with a axident. Josiah 
had got his plantin' all done, and the garden seeds was 
coniin' np nice as a pin, I will have a good garden. 
But the hens bothered me most to death, and kep' me 
a chasin' out after 'em all the time. No sooner would 
I get 'em oif the peas, then they would be on the 
mush mellons, and then the cowcumbers would take it 
and then the string beans, and there I was rushin' out 
doors bareheaded all times of day. It was worse for 
me than all my house work, and so I told Josiah. 

One day I went out full sail after 'em, and I fell 

kerslap over a rail that lay in the grass, and turned my 

ancle jint, and I was laid up bed sick for two weeks. 

It makes me out of patience to think of it, for we 

might have a dog that is w-orth somethin' if it wasn't 

for Josiah, but as it is, if he haint to the house I have 

to do all the chasin' there is done, for I might as well 

get the door step started on to the cattle, or hens, as 

to get our dog off of it, to go on to any thing. 

And he is big as a young eliphant too, eats as much 

99 



100 OUR PUP DOG. 

as a cow, and of all the lazy critters I ever did see, he 
is the cap sheaf. Why, when Josiah sets him on to 
the hens, he has to take him by the collar and kinder 
draws him along, all the way. And as for cows and 
calves, he seems to be afraid of 'em, somethin' kind- 
er coustitutionel Josiah says. I tell him he might 
better bark 'em off himself, especially as he is a first 
rate hand at it, you can't tell him from a dog when 
he sets out. 

One mornin' I says to him, " Josiah Allen, what's 
the use of your keepin' that pup ?" 

Says he " Samantha, he is a good feller, if I will 
kinder run ahead of him, and keep between him and 
the cows, he will go on to them first rate, he seems to 
want encouragement." 

" Encouragement V says I, " I should think as 
much." 

I didn't say no more, and that very day the axident 
happened. Josiah heard me holler, and he come run- 
nin' from the barn — and a scairter man 1 never see. 
He took me right up, and was carryin' of me in. I 
was in awful agony — and the first words I remember 
sayin' was these, in a faint voice." 

" I wonder if you'll keep that pup now ?" 

Says he firmly, yet with pity, and with pale and 
anxious face. 

" Mebby you didn't encourage him enough." 

Says I deliriously, " Did you expect I was goin' to 



VERY SICK A-BED. 10] 

carry him in my arms and throw him at the hens? 1 
tried every other way." 

" Wallj wall !" says he, kinder soothin'ly, " Do kee]) 




THE AX1U£:»T. 

still, how do you expect I'm goin' to carry you if you 
touse round so." 

He laid me down on the lounge in the settin' room, 
and I never got off of it, for two weeks. Fever set in 
— I had been kinder unwell for quite a spell, but 1 
wouldn't give up. I would keep 'round to work. 
But this axident seemed to be the last hump on the 
camels back, I had to give in, and Tirzah Ann had 
to come home from school to do the work. 

When the news got out that I was sick, lots of folios 

came to see me. And every one wanted me to tal c 

some different kinds of patented medicine, or heib 

drink — why my stomach would have been droundt(' 

out, a perfect wreck — if I had took half. And then 

every one would name my desease some new name. 

Why I told Josiah at the end of the week, that accor- 
5 



1 02 THE NEIGHBORS GIVE OPINIONS. 

din' to their tell, I had got every desease under the 
sun, unless it was the horse distemper. 

One niorniti' Miss Gowdey came in, and asked me in 
a melancholy way, if I had ever had the kind pox. I 
told her I had. 

" Well," says she, " I mistrust you have got the 
very oh Lord." 

It was a Saturday mornin' and Thomas Jefferson 
Avas to home, and he spoke up and said "that was a 
good desease, and he hoped it would prevail ; he knew 
quite a number that he thought it would do 'era good 
to have it." 

She looked real shocked, hut knew it was some of 
Thomas J's. fun. There was one woman that would 
come in, in a calm, quiet way about 2 times a week, 
and say in a mild, collected tone, 

" You have got the tizick." 

Says I, " the pain is in my foot mostly." 

"I can't help that," says she gently, but firmly, 
" There is tizick with it. And I think that is what 
ailed Josiah when he was sick." 

" Why," says I, " that was the newraligy, the doc- 
tors said." 

"Doctors are liable to mistakes," says she in the 
same firm but modest accents, "I have always thought 
it was the tizick. There are more folks that are tiziky 
than you think for, in this world. I am a master 
hand for knowin' it when I see it." She would then 



WHAT MAKES ANGELS. 103 

in an affectionate manner advise me to doctor for the 
tizick, and then she would gently depart. 

There are 2 kinds of wimmen that go to see the 
sick. There's them low voiced, still footed wimmen, 
that walks right in, and lays their hands on yonr hot 
foreheads so sootliin' like, that the pain gets ashamed 
of itself and sneaks off. I call 'em God's angels. 
Spozen they liaint got wings, I don't care, I contend 
for it they are servin' the Lord jest as much as if they 
was a standin' up in a row, all feathered out, with a 
palm tree in one hand and a harp in the other. 

So I told old Gowdey one cold winter day — (he is 
awful stingy, he has got a big wood lot — yet lets lots 
of poor families most freeze round him, in the winter 
time. He will pray for 'em by the hour, but it don't 
seem to warm 'em up much) — he says to me, 

" Oh ! if I was only a angel ! if I only had holt of 
the palm tree up yonder that is waitin' for me." 

Says I, coolly, " if it is used right, I think good 
body maple goes a good ways toward makin' a angel." 

As I say,I have had these angels in my room — some 
kinder slimmish ones, some, that would go nigh on t( 
2 hundred by the stellyards, I don't care if they went 3 
hundred quick, I should call 'em angels jest the same. 

Then there is them wimmen that go to have a good 
time of it, they get kinder sick of stayin' to home, 
and nothin' happenin'. And so they take thier work, 



104 TOO MUCH AT ONE TIME. 

and flock in to visit tlie afflicted, I should tliink I 
had pretty near 25 a day of 'era, and each one started 
25 different suhjects. Wild, crazy subjects, most of 
'eui, such as fires, runaway matches, and whirlwinds ; 
earthquakes, neighberhood fightin', and butter that 
wouldn't come; great tidal waves, railroad axidents, 
balky horses, and overskirts; man slaughter, politix, 
schism, and frizzled hair. 

I believe it would have drawed more sweat from a 
able bodied man to have laid still and heard it, than to 
mow a five acre lot in dog days. And there my head 
was takin' on, and achin' as if it would come ofi' all 

the time. 

If I could have had one thing at a time, I could 
have stood it better. I shouldn't have minded a earth- 
quake so much, if I could have give my full attention 
to it, but I must have conflegrations at the same time 
on my mind, and hens that wouldn't set, and drunken 
men, and crazy wimmin, and jumpin' sheep, and fe- 
male sufii-agin' and calico cut biasin', and the Eushen 
war, and politix. It did seem some of the time, that 
my head must split open, and I guess the doctor got 
scairt about me, for one mornin' after he went away, 
Josiah came into the room, and I see that he looked 
awful sober and gloomy, but the minute he ketched 
my eye, he began to snicker and laugh. I didn't say 
notliin' at first, and shet my eyes, but when I opened 
'em agin, there he was a standin' lookin' down on me 



JOSIAH BECOMES CHEERFUL 



105 



with the same mournful, agonized expression onto his 
features ; not a word did he speak, but when he see 
me a lookin' at him, he bust out laughin' agin, and 
then says I — 

"What is the matter, Josiah Allen ?" 

Says he, " I'm a bein' cheerful, Samantha !" 




If kin' (IHKERFUL. 

Says I in the feint accents of weakness, " You are 
bein' a natural born idiot, and do you stop it." 

Says he, " I won't stop it, fciamantha, I willhe cheer- 
ful j" and he giggled. 

Says I, " Won't you go out. and let me rest a little, 
Josiah Allen ?" 

" ISTo !" says he firmly, I will stand by you, and I 
will be cheerful," and he snickered the loudest he had 
yet, but at the same time his countenance was so 
awfully gloomy and anxious lookin' that it filled me 
with a strange awe as he continued — 



106 1 Uoii- aTRATEG±xy.. 

" The doctor told me that you must be kep' perfect- 
ly quiet, and I must be cheerful before you, and while 
I have the spirit of a man I will be cheerful," and with 
a despairin' countenance, he giggled and snickered. 

I knew what a case he was to do his duty, and I 
groaned out, " There haint no use a tryin' to stojj 
him." 

" No," says he, " there haint no use a arguin' with 
me — I shall do my duty." And he bust out into a 
awful laugh that almost choked him. 

I knew there wouldn't be no rest for me, while he 
stood there performin' like a circus, and so says I in a 
strategini way — 

" It seems to me as if I should like a little lemonade. 
Josiah, but the lemons are all gone." 

Says he, " I will harness up the old mare and start 
for Jonesville this minute, and get you some." 

But after he got out in tlie kitchen, and his hat on, 
he stuck his head into the door, and with a mournful 
countenance, snickered. 

After he fairly sot sail for Jonesville, now, thinks I 
to mj'self, I will have a good nap, and rest my head 
while he is gone, and I had jest got settled down, and 
Was thinkin' sweetly how slow the old mare was, when 
I lieerd a noise in the kitchen. And Tirzah Ann come 
in, and says she — 

"Betsey Bobbet has come ; I told her I guessed you 
was a goin' to sleep, and she hadn't better come ia 



BETSEY VISITS THE SICK. 107 

but she acted so mad about it, that 1 don't know what 
to do." 

Before I could find time to tell her to lock the door, 
and put a chair against it, Betsey come right in, and 
says she — 

" Josiah Allen's wife, how do you feel this morn- 
in' ?" and she added sweetly, " You see I have come." 

" I feel dreadful bad and feverish, this mornin'," 
says I, groanin' in spite of myself. For my head felt 
the worst it had, everything looked big, and sick to 
the stomach to me, kinder waverin' and floatin' round 
like. 

" Yes, I know jest how you feel, Josiah Allen's wife, 
for I have felt jest so, only a greart deal worse — why, 
talkin' about fevahs, Josiah Allen's wife, I have had 
such a fevah that the sweat stood in great drops all 
ovah me." 

She took her things oif, and laid 'em on the table, 
and she had a bag hangin' on her arm pretty near as 
big as a flour sack, and she laid that down in one chair 
and took another one herself, and then she continued, 

" I have come down to spend the entiah day with 
you, Josiah Allen's wife. We heerd that you was 
sick, and we thought we would all come doun and 
spend the day with you. We have got relations from 
a distance visitin' us, — relations on fathah's side — and 
they are all a comin'. Mothah is coniin' and Aunt 
Betsey, and cousin Annah Mariah and her two 
children. But we don't want you to make any fuss 



108 COME TO SPEND THE DAT. 

for US at all — only cousin Annali Mariah was sayin' 
yesterday that she did want an old-fashioned boiled 
dinnah, before she went back to ISTew York. Mothah 
was goin' to boil one yesterday, but you know jest how 
it scents up a house, and in my situation, not knowin' 
when I shall receive interestin' calls, I do want to keep 
up a agreeable atmospheah, I told Annah Mariah you 
liad all kinds of garden sauce, "We don't want you 
to make any difference for us — not in the least — but 
boiled dinnahs, with a boiled puddin' and sugar sauce, 
are perfectly beautiful." 

I groaned in a low tone, but Betsey was so engaged 
a talkin', that she didn't heed it, but went on in a high, 
excited tone — 

" I come on a little ahead, for I wanted to get a pat- 
tern for a bedquilt, if you have got one to suit me. I 
am goin' to piece up a bedquilt out of small pieces of 
calico I have been savin' for yealis. And I brought 
the whole bag of calicoes along, for Mothah and cousin 
Annah Mariah said they would assist me in piecin' up 
to-day, aftah I get them cut out. You know I may 
want bedquilts suddenly. A great many young girls 
are bein' snatched away this spring. I think it be- 
comes us all to be prepared. Aunt Betsey would help 
me too, but she is in a dreadful hurry with a rag car- 
pet. She is goin' to bring down a basket full of red 
and yellow rags that mothah gave her, to tear up to- 
day. She said that it was not very pretty work to 



KEEPING ME QUIET. 109 

carry visatin', but I told lier you was sick and would 
not mind it. I guess," slie continued, takin' up hei 
bag, "I will pour these calicoes all out upon the table, 
and then I will look at your bedquilts and patterns." 
And she poured out about half a bushel of crazy look- 




keepin' the sick quiet. 
in' pieces of calico on the table, no two pieces of a size 
or color. 

I groaned loudly, in spite of myself, and shut my 
eyes. She heard the groan, and see the agony on to 
my eye brow, and says she, 

" The doctor said to our house this mornino;, that 
you must be kept perfectly quiet — and I tell you 
Josiah Allen's wife, that you must not get excited. 
AYe talked it over this morning, we said mo were all 
going to put in together, that you should keep per- 
fectly quiet, and not get excited in your mind. And 

now what would you advise me to do ? "Would you 

5* 



110 BETSEY CHIRKS ME UP 

have a sunflower bedquilt, or a blazing stall ? Take it 
right to yourself Josiah Allen's wife, what would you 
do about it ? But do not excite yourself any. Blaz- 
ing stall's look more showy, but then sun-floweh's are 
easier to quilt. Quilt once around every piece, and it 
is enough, and looks well on the other side, I am 
going to line it with otteh coloh — white looks betteh, 
but if two little children jest of an age, should happen 
to be a playing on it, it would keep clean longeli," 

Agin I groaned, and says Betsey, "I do wish you 
would take my advice Josiah Allen's wife, and keep 
perfectly quiet in your mind. I should think you 
would," says she reproachfully. " When I have told 
you, how much betteh it would be for you. I guess," 
says she, " that you need chirking up a little. I must 
enliven you, and make you look happier before I go 
on with my bedquilt, and before we begin to look at 
your patterns and bedquilts, I will read a little to you, 
I calculated too, if you was low spirited ; I came pre- 
pared." And takin' a paper out of her pocket she 
says, 

" I will now proceed to read to you one of the long- 
est, most noble and eloquent editorials that has eveh 
come out in the pages of the Augah, written by its 
noble and eloquent Editah. It is six columns in 
length, and is concerning our relations with Spain." 

This was too much — too much — and I sprung up on 
my couch, and cried wildly, ** 



BETSEY FLIES IN TERROR. Ill 

" Let the Editor of the Augur and his relations go 
to Spain ! And do you go to Spain with your rela- 
tions !" says I, " and do you start this minute !" 

Betsey was appalled, and turned to flee, and I cried 
out agin, 

" Do you take your bedquilt with you." 

She gathered up her calicoes, and fled. And I sunk 
back, shed one or two briny tears of relief, and then 
sunk into a sweet and refreshin' sleep. And from that 
hour I gained on it. But in the next week's Augur, 
these and 10 more verses like 'em come out. 

BLASTED HOPES. 

I do not mind my cold rebuffs 

To be turned out with bedquilt stuffs; 

Philosophy would ease my smart, 

Would say, " Oh peace, sad female heart *'* 

But Oh, this is the woe to me, 

She would not listen unto he. 

If it had been my soaring muse, 
That she in wild scorn did refuse, 
I could like marble statute rise, 
• And face her wrath with tearless eyes ; 

T'would not have been such a blow to me, 
But, she would not listen unto he. 



THE JONESVILLE SINGIN' QUIRE. 



Thomas Jeiferson is a good boy. His teacher to the 
Jonesville Academy told me the other day, says he, 

" Thomas J. is full of fun, but I don't believe he 
has a single bad habit ; and I don't believe he knows 
any more about bad things, than Tirzah Ann, and she 
is a girl of a thousand." 

This made my heart beat with pure and fervent 
emotions of joy, for I knew it was true, but I tell you 
I have had to work for it. I was determined from the 
first, that Thomas Jefferson needn't think because he 
was a boy he could do anything that would be consid- 
ered disgraceful if he was a girl. Now some mothers 
will worry themselves to death abont thier girls, so 
afraid they will get into bad company and bring dis- 
grace onto 'em. I have said to 'em sometimes, 

" Why don't you worry about your boys?" 

" Oh things are winked at in a man that haint in a 
woman." 

" Says I, " There is one woman that no man can get 
112 



WIMMIN ON WIMMIN. 113 

to wink at 'em, and that is Samantha Allen, whose 
maiden name was Smith." Says I, " It is enough to 
make anybody's blood bile in thier vains to think how 
different sin is looked upon in a man and woman. I 
say sin is sin, and you can't make goodness out of it 
by parsin' it in the masculine gender, no more'n you 
can by parsin' it in the feminine or neutral. 

And wimmin are the most to blame in this respect. I 
believe in givin' the D I won't speak the gentle- 
man's name right out, because I belong to the Meth- 
odist Meetin' house, but yon know who I mean, and I 
believe in givin' him his due, if you owe him any- 
thing, and I say men haint half so bad as wimmen 
about holdin' up male sinners and stompin' down 
female ones. 

Wimmen are meaner than pusly about some things, 
and this is one of 'em. Now wimmen will go out and 
kill the fatted calf with thier own hands to feast the 
male prodigal that has been livin' on husks. But let 
the woman that he has been boardin' with on the same 
bundle of husks, ask meekly for a little mite of this 
veal critter, will she get it ? No ! She won't get so 
much as one of the huffs. She will be told to keep 
on eatin' her husks, and after she has got through with 
'em to die, for after a woman has once eat husks, she 
can't never eat any other vittles. And if she asks 
meekly, why is her stomach so different from the 
male husk eater, he went right off from husks to fat- 



114 THE PRODIGAL DAUGHTER. 

ted calves, they'll say to her ' what is sin in a woman 
hahit sin in a man. Men are such noble creatures that 
they will be a little wild, it is expected of 'em, but 
after they have sowed all thier wild oats, they always 
settle down and make the very best of men.' 

" ' Can't I settle down too V cries the poor woman. 
'Zam sick of wild oats too, I am sick of husks — I 
want to live a good life, in the sight of God and man 
— can't I settle d()wn too V 

" ' Yes you can settle down in the grave,' they say 
to her — ' When a woman has. sinned once, that is all 
the place there is for her — a woman cannot be for- 
given.' There is an old sayin' ' Go and sin no more.' 
But that is eighteen hundred years old — awful old 
fashioned.' " 

And then after they have feasted the male husk 
eater, on this gospel veal, and fell on his neck and 
embraced him a few times, they will take him into 
thier houses and marry him to their purest and pret- 
tiest daughter, while at the same time they won't have 
the female husker in thier kitchen to wash for 'em at 
4 cents an article. 

I say it is a shame and a disgrace, for the woman to 
bear all the burden of sufferin' and all the burden of 
shame too ; it is a mean, cowardly piece of business, 
and I should think the very stuns would go to yellin' 
at each other to see such injustice. 

But Josiah Allen's children haint been brought up 



FOLLOWIN' THOMAS J'S EXAMPLE. 115 

in any such kind of a way. They have been brought 
up to think that sin of any kind is jest as bad in a man 
as it is in a woman. And any place of amusement 
that was bad for a woman to go to, was bad for a man. 

Kow when Thomas Jefferson was a little feller, he 
was bewitched to go to circuses, and Josiah said, 

" Better let him go, Samantha, it haint no place for 
wimmin or girls, but it won't hurt a boy." 

Says I, " Josiah Allen, the Lord made Thomas Jef- 
ferson with jest as pure a heart as Tirzah Ann, and no 
bigger eyes and ears, and if Thomas J. goes to the cir- 
cus, Tirzah Ann goes too." 

That stopped that. And then he was bewitched to 
get with other boys that smoked and chewed tobacco, 
and Josiah was jest that easy turn, that he would have 
let him go with 'em. But says I — 

" Josiah Allen, if Thomas Jefferson goes with those 
boys, and gets to chewin' and smokin' tobacco, I shall 
buy Tirzah Ann a pipe." 

And that stopped that. 

" And about drinkin'," says I. " Thomas Jefferson, 
if it should ever be the will of Providence to change 
you into a wild bear, I will chain you up, and do the 
best I can by you. But if you ever do it yourself, turn 
yourself into a wild beast by drinkin', I will run away, 
for I never could stand it, never. And," I continued, 
" if I ever see you hangin' round bar-rooms and tavern 
doors, Tirzah Ann shall hang too." 



116 WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE. 

Josiah argued with me, says he, " It don't look so 
bad for a boy as it does for a girl." 

Says I, " Custom makes the difference ; we are more 
used to seein' men. But," says T, " when liquor goes 
to work to make a fool and a brute of anybody it don't 
stop to ask about sect, it makes a wild beast and a 
idiot of a man or a woman, and to look down from 
Heaven, I guess a man looks as bad layin' dead drunk 
in a gutter as a woman does," says I ; " things look 
different from up there, than what they do to us — it is 
a more sightly place. And you talk about loohs, Jo- 
siah Allen. I don't go on clear looks, I go onto prin- 
ciple. Will the Lord say to me in the last day, ' Jo- 
siah Allen's wife, how is it with the sole of Tirzah 
Ann — as for Thomas Jefferson's sole, he bein' a boy it 
haint of no account ?' No ! I shall have to give an 
account to Him for my dealin's witli both of these 
soles, male and female. And I should feel guilty if I 
brought him up to think that what was impure for a 
woman, was pure for a man. If man lias a greater de- 
sire to do wrong — which I won't dispute," says I look- 
in' keenly on to Josiah, " he has greater strength to 
resist temptation. And so," says I in mild accents, 
but firm as old Plymouth Eock, " if Thomas Jefferson 
hangs, Tirzah Ann shall hang too." 

I have brought Thomas Jefferson up to think that 
it was jest as bad for him to listen to a bad story or 
song, as for a girl, or worse, for he had more strength 



A SPY IN THE FAMILY. 117 

to run away, and that it was a disgrace for him .to talk 
or listen to any stuff that he would be ashamed to have 
Tirzah Ann or me hear. I have brought him up to 
think that manliness didn't consist in havin' a cigar in 
his mouth, and his hat on one side, and swearin' and 
slang phrases, and a knowledge of questionable amuse- 
ments, but in layin' holt of every duty that come to 
him, with a brave heart and a cheerful face ; in helpin' 
to right the wrong, and protect the weak, and makin' 
the most and the best of the mind and the soul God 
had given him. In short, I have brought him up to 
think that purity and virtue are both masculine and 
femanine gender, and that God's angels are not neces- 
sarily all she ones. 

Tirzah Ann too has come up well, though 1 say it, 
that shouldn't, her head haint all full, runnin' over, 
and frizzlin' out on top of it, with thoughts of beaux 
and flirtin'. I have brought her up to think that mar- 
riage wasn't the chief end of life, but savin' her soul. 
Tirzah Ann's own grandmother on her mother's side, 
used to come visatin' us and stay weeks at a time, 
kinder spyin' out I spose how I done by the children, 
— thank fortune, I wasn't afraid to have her spy, all 
she was a mind too, I wouldn't have been afraid to 
had Benedict Arnold, and Major Andre come as spys. 
I did well by 'em, and she owned it, though she did 
think I made Tirzah Ann's night gowns a little too 
full round the neck, and Thomas Jefferson's rounda- 



118 TIRZAH ANN'S FUTURE MARRIAGE. 

bouts a little too long behind. But as I was a sayin', 
the old lady begun to kinder train Tirzah Ann up to 
the prevailin' idee of its bein' her only aim in life to 
catch a husband, and if she would only grow up and 
be a real good girl she should marry. 

I didn't say nothin' to the old lady, for I respect old 
age, but I took Josiah out one side, and says I, 

" Josiah Allen, if Tirzah Ann is to be brought up 
to think that marriage is the chief aim of her life, 
Thomas J. shall be brought up to think that marriage 
io his chief aim." Says T, " it looks just as flat in a 
woman, as it does in a maii." 

Josiah didn't make mucli of any answer to me, he 
is an easy man. But as that was the old lady's last 
visit (she was took bed rid the next week, and haint 
walked a step sense), I haint had no more trouble on 
them grounds. 

When Tirzah Ann gets old enough, if a good true 
man, a man for instance, such as I think Whitfield 
Minkle}^, our minister's oldest boy is a goin' to make, 
if such a man offers Tirzah Ann his love which is the 
greatest Jionor a man can do a woman, why Tirzah 
will, I presume, if she loves him well enough, marry 
him. I should give my consent, and so would Josiah. 
But to have all Jier mind sot onto that hope and 
expoctatin' till she begins to look wild, I have discour- 
aged it in her. 

I have told her that goodness, truth, honor, vertue 



THOMAS J. PREFERS A BACK SEAT. 119 

and nobilitj come first as aims in life. Says I, 

" Tirzah Ann, seek these things lirst, and tlien if a 
husband is added unto you, you may know it is tlie 
Lord's will, and accept him like any other dispensation 
of Providence, and — " I continued as dreamy thoughts 
of Josiah floated through my mind," make the best of 
him." 

I feel thankful to think they have both come up as 
well as they have. Tirzah Ann is more of a quiet 
turn, but Thomas J., though his morals are sound, is 
dreadful full of fun, I worry some about him for lie 
haint made no professions, I never could get him 
forred onto the anxious seat. He told Elder Minkley 
last winter that " the seats were all made of the same 
kind of basswood, and he could be jest as anxious out 
by the door, as he could on one of the front seats. 

Says Elder Minkley, " My dear boy, I want you to 
find the Lord." 

" I haint never lost him," says Thomas Jefferson. 
It shocked Elder Minkley dreadfully — but it sot me 
to thinkin'. He was always an odd child, always askin' 
the curiousest questions, and I brought him up to 
think that the Lord was with him all the time, and 
see what he was doin', and mebby he was in the right 
of it, mebby he felt as if he hadn't never lost Him. 
He was always the greatest case to be out in the woods 
and lots, findin' everything — and sometimes I have 
almost thought the trash he thinks so much of, such 



120 THOMAS J. RIDICULES THE QUIRE. 

as shells and pieces of rock and stun, and flowers and 
moss, are a kind of means of grace to him, and then 
agin I don't know. If I really thought they was I 
don't suppose I should have pitched 'em out of the 
winder so many times as I have, clutterin' up the 
house so. 

I worry about him awfully sometimes, and then agin 
I lay holt of the promises. Now last Saturday night 
to have heard him go on, about the Jonesville quire, 
you'd a thought he never had a sober, solemn thought 
in his head. They meet to practice Saturday nights, 
and he had been to hear 'em. I stood his liglit talk 
as long as I could, and finally I told him to stop it, 
for I would not hear him go on so. 

" Wall," says he, " you go yourself mother some- 
time, and see thier carryin's on. Why," says he, " if 
fightin' entitles anybody to a pension, they ought to 
draw 96 dollars a year, every one of 'em — you go 
yourself, and hear 'em rehearse if you dont believe 
me — " and then he begun to sing, 

'Just before the battle, mother, 
I am thinkin' now of you.' 

" I'll be hanged if I would rehearse," says Josiah, 
" what makes 'em ? " 

" Let 'em rehearse," says I sternly, " I should think 
there was need enough of it." 

It haj)pened that very next night. Elder Merton 
preached to the red school house, and Josiah hitched 



WE GO TO THE REHEARSAL. 121 

up the old mare, and we went over. It was the first 
time I had been out sense the axident. Thomas J. 
and Tirzah Ann walked. 

Josiah and I sot riglit behind the quire, and we 
could hear every word they said, and while Elder Mer- 
ton was readin' the hymn, " How sweet for brethren 
to agree," old Gowdcy whispered to Mr. Peedick in 
wrathful accents, 

" I wonder if you will ])ut us all to open shame 
to-night by screechin' two or three notes above us 
all ?" 

He caught my keen grey eye fixed sternly upon 
him, and his tone changed in a minute to a mild, 
sheepish one, and he added smilin' " as it were, deah 
brother Peedick." 

Mr. Peedick designed not to reply to him, for he 
was shakin, his list at one of the younger brethrin' in 
tlie quire, and says he, 

" Let me catch you pressin' the key agin to-night, 
you young villain, if you think it is best." 

" I shall press as many keys as I am a minter for 
all you. You'r always tindin' faidt with sunthin' or 
other," muttered he. 

Betsey Bobbet and Sophronia Gowdey was lookin' 
at each other all this time with looks that made ones 
blood run cold in thier vains. 

Mr. Peedick commenced the tune, but unfortunately 
struck into short metre. They all commenced loud 
ftnd strong, but couldn't get any further than " How 



122 A UNITED BAND. 

sweet for bretherin." As they all come to a sudden 
halt there in front of that word — Mr. Gowdej— lookin' 
daggers at Mr. Peedick— took out his pitch fork, as if it 
was a pistol, and he was goin' to shoot him with it, 
but applyin' it to his own ear, he started off on the 
longest metre that had ever been in our neighbor- 
hood. After addin' the tune to the words, there was 
so much tune to carry, that the best calculator in tunes 
couldn't do it. 

At that very minute when it looked dark, and 
gloomy indeed for the quire, an old lady, tlie best 
behaved in the quire, who had minded her own busi- 
ness, and chawed caraway peacefully, come out and 
started it to the tune of " Oh that will be joyful." 

They all joined in at the top of their voice, and 
though they each one put in flats and sharps to suit 
thier own taste, they kinder hung together till they 
got to the chorus, and then Mr. Gowdey looked round 
and frowned fiercely at Shakespeare Bobbet who 
seemed to be flattin' most of any of 'em, and Betsey 
Bobbet punched Sophronia Gowdey in the side with 
her parasol, and told her she was "disgracin' the 
quire — and to sing slower," and then they all yelled 

How sweet is unitee — e 

How sweet is unitee, 

How sweet for bretheren' to agre», 

How sweet is unitee. 



THE ENTIRE ORKUSSTREE. 



123 



Iv oeemed as if the very feather on my bunnet stood 
up straight, to hear 'em, it M^as so awful. Then they 
collected their strength, and drawin' long breaths, they 




IHI. SINGING QTJIEE. 

yelled out the next verses like wild Indians round 
sufferin' whites they was murderin'. If any one had 
iron ears, it would have went off well, all but for one 
thing — there was an old man who insisted on bein' 
in the quire, who was too blind to see the words, and 
always sung by ear, and bein' a little deaf he got the 
words wrong, but he sung out loud and clear like a 
trembone, 

How sweet is onion tee — e, 
How sweet is onion tea. 

Elder Merton made a awful good prayer, about tri- 



124 A ARTISTIC DUETT. 

als purifyin' folks and makin' 'em better, and the same 
lieroic patient look was on his face, when he give out 
the next him. 

This piece begun with a long duett between the 
tenor and the alto, and Betsey Bobbet by open war 
and strategim had carried the day, and was to sing this 
part alone with the tenor. She knew the Editer of 
the Augur was the only tenor singer in the quire. 
She was so proud and happy thinkin' she was goin' to 
sing alone with him, that not rightly sensin' where 
she was, and what she was about, she pitched her part 
too low, and here was where I had my trial with 
Josiah. 

There is no more sing to Josiah Allen than there is 
to a one horse wagon, and I have tried to convince 
him of it, but I can't, and he will probably go down 
to the grave thinkin' he can sing base. But thier is 
no sing to it, that, I will contend for with my last 
breath, it is nothin' more nor less than a roar. Bat 
one thing I will give him the praise of, he is a dread- 
ful willin' man in the time of trouble, and if he takes 
it into his head that it is his duty to sing, you can't 
stop him no more than you can stop a clap of thunder, 
and when he does let his voice out, he lets it out 
strong, I can tell you. As Betsey finished the first 
line, I heard him say to himself. 

" It is a shame for one woman to sing base alone, in 
a room full of men." And before I could stop him, 



JOSIAH BREAKS OUT IN SONG. 125 

he struck in with his awful energy, you couldn't hea;' 
Betsey's voice, nor the Editer's, no more than yo;i 
could hear two flies buzzin' in a car whistle. It w;: . 
dreadful. And as he finished the first verse, I ketchcd 
hold of his vest, I didn't stand up, by reason of beiu' 
lame yet from the axident — and says I, 

" If you sing another verse in that way, I'll part 
with you," says I, " what do you mean Josiah Allen V 

Says he, lookin' doun on me witli the persperation a 
pourin' down his face, 

" I am a singin' base." 

Says I, "Do you set down and behave yourself, 
she has pitched it too low, it hain't base, Josiah." 

Says he, "I know better Samantha, it is base, I 
guess I know base when I hear it." 

But I still held him by the vest, determined that he 
shouldn't start off again, if I could bender it, and jest 
at that minute the duett begun agin, and Sophroni;i 
Gowdey took advantage of Betsey's indignation and 
suprise, and took the part right out of her mouth, and 
struck in with the Editer of the Augur — she is kindei" 
after him too, and she broke out wdth the curiousest 
variations you ever heard. The warblin's and quaver- 
in's and shakin's, she put in was the curiousest of any 
thing I ever heard. And thankful was I that it too'; 
up Josiah's attention so, that he sunk down on ]ii.> 
seat, and listened to 'em with breathless awe, and never 
offered to put in his note at aU. 

6 



126 BETSEYS POETICAL REMONSTRANCE. 

I waited till thej got tliroiigli singin' and tlien I 
whispered to liim, and says I, 

" Now do you keep still for the rest of this meetin' 
Josiah Allen." 

Says he, "As long as I call myself a man, I will 
have the privilege of singin' base." 

"/&'n^," says I in a tone almost cold enough to 
make his whiskers frosty, " I'd call it singin^ if I was 
you." It worried me all througli nieetin' time, and 
thankful was I when he dropped off into a sweet sleep 
jest before meetin' was out. He never heard 'em sing 
the last time, and I had to hunch him for the 
benediction. 

In the next week's Augur came out a lot of verses, 
among which were the following : they were headed 

SORROWS OF THE HEART. 
Written on bein' broken into, while singin' a duett with a deah friend. 

BY BETSY BOBBET. 

And sweetness neveh seem3 so sweet, 
As when his voice and mine doth meet» 
I rise, I soah, earth's sorrows leaving, 
I almost seem to be in heaveng. 

But when we are sweetly going on, 
Tis hard to be broke in upon; 
To drounde'd be, oh foul disgrace. 
In awful roars of dreadful base. 

And when another female in her vain endeavors, 
To fascinate a certain noble man, puts in such quavers, 
And trills and warbles with such sickish variation, 
It don't raise her at all in that man's estimation. 

There was 13 verses and Josiah read them all, but I 
wouldn't read but 1 of 'era. I don't like poetry. 



MISS SHAKESPEARE'S EARRINGS. 



Them verses of Betsey's kinder worked Josiah np, 
I know, though he didn't say much. That line "dread- 
ful roars of awful base " mortified him, I know, be- 
cause he actually did think that he sung pretty enough 
for a orkusstry. I didn't say much to him about it. 
I don't believe in twittin' all the time, about anything, 
for it makes anybody feel as unpleasant as it does to 
set down on a paper of carpet tacks. I only said to 
him — 

" I tried to convince you, Josiah, that you couldnH 
sing, for 14 years, and now that it has come out in po- 
etry mebby you'll believe it. I guess you'll listen to 
me another time, Josiah Allen." 

He says, "I wish you wouldn't be so aggravatin', 
Samantha." 

That was all that was said on either side. But I 

noticed that he didn't sing any more. "We went to 

several conference meetin's that week, and not ono 

127 



128 ANOTHER VISIT FROM BETSEY. 

roar did he give. It was an awful relief to me, for I 
never felt safe for a minute, not knowin' when he 
would break out. 

The next week Saturday after the poetry come 
out, Tirzah took it into her head that she wanted to 
go to Elder Morton's a visitin' ; Maggie Snow was a 
goin' to meet her there, and I told her to go — I'd get 
along with the work somehow. 

I had to work pretty hard, but then I got it all out 
of the way early, and my head combed and my dress 
changed, and I was jest pinnin' my linen coUer over 
my clean gingham dress (broun and black plaid) to tlie 
lookin' glass, when lookin' up, who should I see but 
Betsey Bobbet comin' through the gate. She stopped 
a minute to Tirzah Ann's posy bed, and then she come 
along kinder gradually, and stopped and looked at my 
new tufted bedspread that I have got out a whitenin' 
on the grass, and then she come up the steps and 
come in. 

Somehow I was kinder glad to see her that day. I 
had had first rate luck with all my bakin', every 
thing had turned out well, and I felt real reconciled 
to havin' a visit from her. 

But I see she looket ruther gloomy, and after she 
sot down and took out her tattin' and begun to tat, she 
spoke up and says she — 

" Josiah Allen's wife, I feel awful deprested to-day." 

" What is the matter ?" says I in a cheerful tone. 



BETSEY BEMOANS HER LONELY STATE. 120 

" I feel lonely," says she, " more lonely than I have 
felt for yeahs." 

Again says I kindly but firmly — 

" What is the matter, Betsey ?" 

" I had a dream last niglit, Josiali Allen's wife." 

" What was it ?" says I in a sympathizin' accent, for 
she did look meloncholly and sad indeed. 

" I dreamed I was married, Josiah Allen's wife," 
says she in a heart-broken tone, and she laid her hand 
on my arm in her deep emotion. " I tell you it was 
hard after dreamin' that, to wake up again to the cold 
realities and cares of this life ; it was hard^'' she re- 
peated, and a tear gently flowed down her Roman nose 
and dropped off onto her overskirt. She knew salt 
water would spot otter color awfully, and so she drew 
her handkerchief out of her pocket, and spread it in 
her lap, (it was white trimmed with narrow edgein') 
and continued — 

"Life seemed so hard and lonesome to me, that I 
sot up in the end of the bed and wept. I tried to get 
to sleep again, hopin' I would dream it ovah, but I 
could not." 

And again two salt tears fell in about the middle of 
the handkerchief. I see she needed consolation, and 
my gratitude made me feel soft to her, and so says I 
in a reasurin' tone — 

" To be sure husbands are handy on 4th of July's, 
and funeral prosessions, it looks kinder lonesome to 



130 BETSEY Is WILLIN'. 

see a woman streamin' along alone, but thej are cor 
trary creeters, Betsey, when they are a mind to be." 

And then to turn the conversation and get her mi»' 
offen her trouble, says I, 

" How did you like my bed spread, Betsey ?" 

" It is beautiful," says she sorrowfully. 

" Yes," says I, " it looks well enough now its done, 
but it most wore my fingers out a tuftin' it — it's a 
sight of work." 

But I saw how hard it was to draw her mind oflP 
from broodin' over her troubles, for she spoke in a 
mournful tone, 

" How sweet it must be to weah the fingers out for 
a deali companion. I would be willing to weah mine 
clear down to the bone. I made a vow some yeahs 
ago." says she, kinder cliirkin' up a little, and begin- 
nin' to tat agin. "I made a vow yeahs ago that 
I would make my deali future companion happy, for I 
would neveh, neveh fail to meet him with a sweet 
smile as he came home to me at twiliffht. I felt that 
that was all he would requireli to make him haj)py. 
Do you think it was a rash vow, Josiah Allen's wife ?" 

" Oh," says I in a sort of blind way, " I guess it 
won't do any hurt. But, if a man couldn't have 
but one of the two, a smile or a supper, as he come 
home at night, I believe he would take the supper." 

" Oh deah," says Betsey," such cold, practical ideahs 
are painful to me." 

" Wall," says I cheerfully but firmly, " if you ever 



A SMILE OR A SUPPER. 131 

have the opportunity, you try both ways. You jest 
let your fire go out, and your house and you look like 
fury, and nothin' to eat, and yon stand on tlie door 
smilin' like a first class idiot — and then agin you have 
a first rate supper on the table, stewed oysters, and 
warm biscuit and honey, or somethin' else first rate, 
and a bright fire shinin' on a clean hearth, and the tea- 
kettle a singin', and the tea-table all set out neat as a 
pink, and you goin' round in a cheerful, sensible way 
gettin' the supper onto the table, and you jest watch, 
and see which of the two ways is the most agreable 
to him. 

Betsey still looked unconvinced, and I proceeded 
onwards. 

" Now I never was any hand to stand and smile at 
Josiah for two or three hours on a stretch, it would 
make me feel like a natural born idiot ; but I always 
have a bright fire, and a warm supper a waitin' for 
him when he comes home at night." 

" Oh food ! food ! what is food to the deathless emo- 
tions of the soul. What does the aching young heart 
care for what food it eats — let my deah future com- 
panion smile on me, and that is enough." 

Says I in reasonable tones, " A man canH smile on 
an empty stomach Betsey, not for any length of time. 
And no man can't eat soggy bread, with little chimks 
of salaratus in it, and clammy potatoes, and beefsteak 
burnt and raw in spots, and drink dishwatery tea, and 



132 CORRECTIN' A HUSBAND. 

rauddj coffee, and smile — or they might give one or 
2 sickly, deathly smiles, but they wouldn't keep it up 
you depend upon it they wouldn't, and it haint in the 
natur' of a man to, and 1 say they hadn't ought to, 
I have seen bread Betsey Bobbet, that was enough to 
break down any man's affection for a woman, unless 
he had firm principle to back it up — and love's young 
dream has been drounded in thick, muddy coffee 
more'n once. If there haint anything pleasant in a 
man's home how can he keep attached to it ? N^obody, 
man nor woman can't respect what haint respectable, 
or love what haint lovable. I believe in bein' cheer- 
ful Betsey ; a complainin', fretful woman in the house, 
is worse than a cold, drizzlin' rain comin' right down 
all the time onto the cook stove. Of course men have 
to be corrected, I correct Josiah frequently, but I 
believe in doin' it all up at one time and then have it 
over with, jest like a smart dash of a thunder shower 
that clears up the air." 

" Oh, how a female woman that is blest with a deah 
companion, can even speak of correcting him, is a mys- 
tery to me." 

But again I spoke, and my tone was as firm and 
lofty as Bunker Hill monument — 

" Men Tia'de to be corrected, Betsey, there wouldn't 
be no livin' with 'em unless 3'ou did." 

" Well," says she, " you can entertain such views as 
you will, but for me, I will be clingin^n my nature, 



HARD FATE OF BETSEY. 133 

I will be respected bj men, they do so love to liave 
wimmin clingin', that I will, until I die, carry out this 
belief that is so sweet to them — until I die I will nevah 
let go of this speah." 

I didn't say nothin*, for gratitude tied up my tongue, 
but as I rose and went up stairs to wind me a little 
more yai-u — I thought I wouldn't bring down the swifts 
for so little as I wanted to wind — I thought sadly to 
myself, what a hard, hard time she had had, sense I 
had known her, a handlhi' tliat spear. We got to 
talkin' about it the other day, how long she had been 
a handlin' of it. Says Thomas Jeiferson, " She has 
been brandishin' it for fifty years." 

Says I, " Shet up, Thomas J., she haint been born 
longer ago than that." 

Says he — "She was born with that spear in her 
hand." 

But as I said she has had a hard and mournful time 
a tryin' to make a runnin' vine of herself sense I knew 
her. And Josiah says she was at it, for years before 
I ever see her. She has tried to make a vine of her- 
self to all kinds of trees, straight and crooked, sound 
and rotten, young and old. Her mind is sot the most 
now, on the Editer of the Augur, but she pays atten- 
tion to any and every single man that comes in her 
way. And it seems strange to me that them that 
preach up this doctrine of woman's only spear, don't 

admire one who carrys it out to its full extent. It 
6* 



134 WOMAN AS A RUNNING VINE. 

seems kinder ungrateful in 'em, to think that when 
Betsey is so willin' to be a vine, thej will not be a 
tree ; but they won't, they seem sot against it. 

I say if men insist on makin' runnin' vines of wim- 
min, they ought to provide trees for 'em to run up on^ 
it haint nothin' more'n justice that they should, but 
they won't and don't. Now ten years ago the Metho- 
dist minister before Elder Wesley Minkly came, was a 
widower of some twenty odd years, and he was sorely 
stricken with years and rheumatiz. But Betsey showed 
plainly her willin'ness and desire to be a vine, if he 
would be a tree. But he would not be a tree — he 
acted real obstinate about it, considerin' his belief. 
For he was awful opjDosed to wimmin's havin' any 
rights only the right to marry. He preached a beau- 
tiful sermon about woman's holy mission, and how 
awful it was in her, to have any ambition outside of 
her own home. And how sweet it was to see her in 
her confidin' weakness and gentleness clingin' to man's 
manly strength. There wasn't a dry eye in the house 
only mine. Betsey wept aloud, she was so affected 
by it. And it was beautiful, I don't deny it ; I always 
respected dingers. But I love to see folks use reason. 
And I say again, how can a woman cling when she 
haint got nothin' to cling to ? That day I put it fair 
and square to our old minister, he went home with us 
to supper, and he begun on me about wimmin's rights, 
for he knew I believe in wimmin's havin a right. Says 



THE ELDER'S CHOICE. 135 

he, " It is fljin' in the face of the Bible for a woman 
not to many," 

Says I, "Elder how can any lady make "brick with- 
out straw or sand — Tiow can a woman marry without 
a man is forthcomin' ?" says I, "wimmen's will may be 
good, but there is some things she can not do, and this 
is one of 'em." Says I, " as our laws are at present no 
women can marry unless she has a man to marry to. 
And if the man is obstinate and hangs back what is 
she to do ?" 

He begun to look a little sheepish and tried to kin- 
der turn off the subject on to religion. 

But no steamboat ever sailed onward under the pow- 
er of biled water steam, more grandly than did Sa- 
mantha Allen's words under the steam of bilein prin- 
ciple. I fixed my eyes upon him with seemin'ly an 
arrow in each one of 'em, and says I — 

" Which had you rather do Elder, let Betsey Bob- 
bet vote, or cling to you ? She is fairly achin' to make 
a runnin' vine of herself, and says I, in slow, deep, 
awful tones, are you willin' to be a tree ?" 

Again he weakly murmured somethin' on the sub- 
ject of religion, but I asked him again in slower, aw- 
fuler tones. 

^^ Are you willin^ to he a treeV 

He turned to Josiah, and says he, " I guess I will 
go out to the barn and bring in my saddle bags." He 
had come to stay all night. And that man went to the 



136 THE CARPET PEDLER. 

barn smit and conscience struck, and haint opened his 
liead to me sense about wimmin's not liavin' a right. 

I had jest arrived at this crysis in my thoughts, and 
liad also got my yarn wound up — my yarn and my 
revery enclin' up at jest the same time, when Betsey 
came to the foot of the stairs and called out — 

"Josiah Allen's wife, a gentleman is below, and 
craves an audience with you." 

1 sot back my swifts, and went down, expectin' from 
the reverential tone of her voice to see a United States 
Governor, or a Deacon at the very least. But it wasn't 
either of 'em, it was a peddler. He wanted to know 
if I could get some dinner for him, and I thinkin' one 
more trial wouldn't kill me said I would. He was a 
loose jinted sort of a chap, with his hat sot onto one 
side of his head, but his eyes had a twinkle to 'em, 
that give the idee that he knew what he was about. 

After dinner he kep' a bringin' on his goods from 
his cart, and praisin' 'em up, the lies that man told 
was enough to apaul the ablest bodied man, but Bet- 
sey swallowed every word. After I had coldly reject- 
ed all his other overtures for tradin', he brought on a 
strip of stair carpetin', a thin striped yarn carpet, and 
says he — 

"Can't I sell you this beautiful carpet? it is the 
pure Ingrain." 

" Ingrain," says I, " so be you Ingrain as much," 

"I guess I know," says he, "for I bought it of old 



BOUND FOR A TRADE. 187 

Ingrain himself, I give the old man 12 shillin's a yard 
for it, but seein' it is you, and I like your looks so 
much, and it seems so much like home to me here, I 
will let you have it for 75 cents, cheaper than dirt to 
walk -on, or boards." 

"I don't wan't it," says I, "I have got carpets 
enough." 

" Do you want it for 50 cents ?" says he follerin' me 
to the wood-box. 

" No !" says I pretty sharp, for I don't want to say 
no two times, to anybody. 

" Would 25 cents be any indoosement to you V says 
he, follerin' me to the buttery door. 

" No !" says I in my most energetic voice, and started 
for the suller with a plate of nutcakes. 

"Would 18 pence tempt you?" says he, hoUerin' 
down the suller way. 

Then says I, comin' up out of the suller with the 
old Smith blood bilin' up in my veins, " Say another 
word to me about your old stair carpet if you dare ; 
jest let me ketch you at it," says I ; "be I goin' to 
have you traipse all over the house after me ? be I go- 
in' to be made crazy as a loon by you ?" 

" Oh, Josiah Allen's wife," says Betsey, " do not 
be so hasty ; of course the gentleman wishes to dispose 
of his goods, else why should he be in the mercanteel 
business ?" 

I didn't say nothin' — gratitude still had holt of me 



138 BILL SHAKESPEAKE'S PURCHASE. 

— but I inwardly detenniiied that not one word would 
I say if lie cheated her out of her eye teeth. 

Addressin' his attention to Betsey, he took a pair 
of old fashioned ear rings out of his jacket pocket, and 
says he — 

" I carry these in my pocket for fear I will be robbed 
of 'em. I hadn't ought to carry 'em at all, a single 
man goin' alone round the country as I do, but I have 
got a pistol, and let anyl)ody tackle me for these ear 
rings if they dare to," says he, lookin' savage. 

" Is thier intrinsick worth so large ?" says Betsey, 

" It haint so much thier neat value," says he, " al- 
though that is enormous, as who owned 'em informally. 
Whose ears do you suppose these have had hold of?" 

"How can I judge," says Betsey with a winnin' 
smile, " nevali havin' seen them before." 

" Jest so," says he, " you never was acquainted with 
'em, but these very identical creeters used to belong 
to Miss Shakespeare. Yes, these belonged to Ham- 
let's mother," says he, lookin' pensively upon them. 
"Bill bought 'em at old Stratford." 

" Bill ?" says Betsey inquirin'ly. 

"Yes," says he, "old Shakespeare. I have been 
reared with his folks so much, that I have got into the 
habit of callin' him Bill, jest as they do." 

"Then you have been there?" says Betsey with a 
admirin' look. 

"Oh yes, wintered there and partly summered. 



AN AFFECTIN' SELL 189 

.But as I was sayin' William bought 'em and give 'em 
to his wife, when he first begun to pay attention lo 
her. Bill bought 'em at a auction of a one-eyed man 
with a wooden leg, by the name of Brown. Mii:s 
Shakespeare wore 'em as long as she lived, and they 
was kept in the family till I bought 'em. A sister of 
one of his brother-in-laws was obleeged to part with 
'em to get morpheen." 

" I suppose you ask a large price for them ?" says 
Betsey, examanin' 'em with a reverential look onto 
her countenance. 

" How much ! how much you remind me of a favor- 
ite sister of mine, who died when she was fifteen. She 
was considered by good judges to be the handsomest 
girl in Korth America. But business before pleasure. 
I ought to have upwards of 30 dollars a head for 'em, 
but seein' it is you, and it haint no ways likely I shall 
ever meet with another wo — young girl that I feel 
under bonds to sell 'em to, you may have 'em for 13 
dollars and a ^." 

" That is more money than I thought of expendin' 
to-day," says Betsey in a thoughtful tone. 

" Let me tell you what I will do ; I don't care seein' 
it is you, if I do get cheated, I am willin' to be cheated 
by one that looks so much like that angel sister. Give 
me 13 dollars and a i, and I will throw in the pin that 
goes with 'em. I did want to keep that to remind me 
of them happy days at old Stratford," and he took the 



140 THOMAS J. TURNS POET. 

breastpin out of his pocket, and put it in her hand in 
a quick kind of a way. " Take 'em," says he, turfiin' 
his eyes away, " take 'em and put 'em out of my sight, 
quick ! or I shall repent." 

" I do not want to rob you of them," says Betsey 
tenderly. 

" Take 'em," says he in a wild kind of a way, " take 
'em, and give me the money quick, before I am com- 
pletely unmanned." 

She handed him the money, and says he in agitated 
tones, " Take care of the ear rings, and heaven bless 
you," And he ketched np his things, and started off 
in a awful hnrry. Betsey gazed pensively ont of the 
winder, till he disapeared in the distance, and then she 
begun to brag about her ear rings, as Miss Shake- 
speare's relicks. Thomas Jefferson praised 'em awfully 
to Betsey's face, when he came home, but when I was 
in the buttery cuttin' cake for supper, he come and 
leaned over me and whispered — 

" Who bought for gold the purest brass ? 
Mother, who brought this grief to pass ? 
What is this maiden's name ? Ahis ! 

Betsey Bobbet." 

And when I went down snller for the butter, he 
come and stood in the outside suller door, and says he, 

" How was she fooled, this lovely dame ' 
How was her reason overcame ? 
What was this lovely creature's name? 

Betsey Bobbet." • 



BETSEY IS ENLIGHTENED. 14S 

That is jest the way he kep' at it, he would kinder 
hapj^en round where I was, and every chance he would 
get he would have over a string of them verses, till it 
did seem as if I should go crazy. Finally I said to 
him in tones before which he quailed, 

" If I hear one word more of poetry from you to- 
night I will complain to your father," says I wildly, 
" I don't believe there is another woman in the United 
States that suffers so much from poetry as I do ! What 
have I done," says I still more wildly, " that I should 
be so tormented by it ?" says I, " I won't hear another 
word of poetry to-night," says I, " I will stand for my 
rights — I will not be drove into insanity with poetry." 

Betsey started for home in good season, and I told 
her I would go as fur as Squire Edwards'es with her. 
Miss Edwards was out by the gate, and of course Bet- 
sey had to stop and show the ear rings. She was jest 
lookin' at 'em when the minister and Maggie Snow 
and Tirzah Ann drove up to the gate, and wanted to 
know what we was lookin' at so close, and Betsey, 
castin' a proud and haughty look onto the girls, told 
him that — ■ 

" It was a paih of ear rings that had belonged to 
the immortal Mr. Shakespeah's wife informally." 

The minute Elder Merton set his eyes on 'em, 
" "Why," says he, " my wife sold these to a peddler 
to day." 

" Yes," says Tirzah Ann, " these are the very ones ; 



144 BETSEY RECEIVES A BLOW. 

she sold them for a dozen shirt buttons and a paper of 
pins." 

" I do not believe it," says Betsey wildly. 

" It is so," said the minister. " My ^vife's father 
got them for her, they proved to be brass, and so she 
never wore them ; to-day the peddler wanted to buy 
old jewelry, and she brought out some broken rings, 
and these were in the box, and she told him he might 
have them in M^elcome, but he threw out the buttons 
and a paper of pins." 

" I do not believe it — I cannot believe it," says Bet- 
sey gaspin' for breatli. 

" Well, it is the truth," says Maggie Snow (she can't 
bear Betsey), " and I heard him say he would get 'em 
oif onto some fool, and make her think — " 

" I am in such a hurry I must go," said Betsey, and 
she left without sayin' another word. 




A NIG-HT OF TROUBLES. 



Truly last night was a night of troubles to us. We 
was kept awake all the forepart of the night with 
eats lightin'. It does beat all how they went on, liow 
many there was of 'em I dont know ; Josiah thought 
there was upwards of 50. I myself made a calm esti- 
mate of between 3 and 4. But I tell you they went 
in strong what there was of 'em. What under heav- 
ens they found to talk about so long, and in such un- 
earthly voices, is a mystery to me. You couldn't sleep 
no more than if you was in Pandemonium. And 
about 11, I guess it was, I heard Thomas Jeffei-son 
holler out of his chamber winder, (it was Friday night 
and the children was both to home,) says he — 

" You have preached long enough brothers on that 
text, I'll put in a seventhly for you." And then I 
heard a brick fall, " You've protracted your meetin' 
here plenty long enough. You may adjourn now to 

somebody else's window and exhort them a speU." 

145 



146 DISTURBED BY CATS. 

And then I heard another brick fall. " Now I wonder 
if you'll come round on this circuit right away." 

Thomas Jefterson's room is right over ourn, and I 
raised up in the end of the bed and hollered to him 
to " stop his noise." But Josiah said, " do let him be, 
do let him kill the old creeters, I am wore out." 

Says I " Josiah I dont mind his killin' the cats, but 
I wont have him talkin about thier holdin' a protracted 
meetin' and preachin', I won't have it," says I. 

" Wall," says he " do lay down, the most I care for 
is to get rid of the cats." 

• Says I, "you do have wicked streaks Josiah, and 
the way you let that boy go on is awful," says I, 
" where do you think you will go to Josiah Allen ?" 

Says he, " I shall go into another bed if you can't 
stop talkin'. I have been kept awake till midnight 
by them creeters, and now you want to finish the* 
night." 

Josiah is a real even tempered man, but nothin' 
makes him so kinder fretful as to be kept awake by 
cats. And it is awful, awfully mysterious too. For 
sometimes as you listen, you say mildly to yourself, 
how can a animal so small give utterance to a noise so 
large, large enough for a eliphant ? Then sometimes 
agin as you listen, you will get encouraged, thinkin' 
that last yawl has really finished 'em and you think 
they are at rest, and better off than they can be here 
in this world, utterin' such deathly and terrific shrieks, 



JOSIAH ON THE WAR PATH. l^T 

and you know yoii are happier. So you will be real 
encouraged, and begin to be sleepy, when they break 
out agin all of a sudden, seemin' to" say up in a small 
fine voice, " We won't go home till mornin' " drawin' 
out the " mornin' " in the most threatenin' and insult- 
in' manner. And then a great hoarse grum voice will 
take it up " We wonH Go Home till Mornin'' " and 
then they will spit fiercely, and shriek out the appaul- 
in' words both together. It is discouragin', and I 
couldn't deny it, so I lay down, and we both went to 
sleep. 

I hadn't more'n got into a nap, when Josiah waked 
me up groanin', and says he, " them darned cats are at 
it agin." 

"Well," says I coolly, "you needn't swear so, if 
they be." I listened a minute, and says I, " it haint 
cats," 

Says he, " it is." 

Says I, " Josiah Allen, I know better, it haint cats." 

" Wall what is it," says he " if it haint ? " 

I sot up in the end of bed, and pushed back my 
night cap from my left ear and listened, and says I, 

" It is a akordeun." 

" How come a akordeun under our winder ?" says 
he. 

" Says I, " It is Shakespeare Bobbet seranadin' Tir- 
zah Ann, and he has got under the wrong winder." 

He leaped out of bed, and started for the door. 



148 JOSIAH OBEYS ORDERS. 

Says Ij " JosiaL Allen come back here this minute," 
says I, "do you realize your condition? you haint 
dressed." 

He siezed his hat from the bureau, and put it on his 
head, and went on. Says I, " Josiah Allen if you go 
to the door in that condition, I'll prosicute you ; what 
do you mean actin' so to-night ? says I, " you was 
young once yourself." 

" I wuzzn't a confounded fool if I was young," says 
he. 

Says I, "come back to bed Josiah Allen, do you 
want to get the Bobbets'es and the Dobbs'es mad at 
you?" 

" Yes I 6?o," he snapped out. 

" I should think you would be ashamed Josiah 
swearin' and actin' as you have to-night," and says I, 
" you will get your death cold standin' there without 
any clothes on, come back to bed this minute Josiah 
Allen." 

It haint often I set up, but when I do, I will be 
minded ; so finally he took off his hat and come to 
bed, and there we had to lay and listen. Kot one word 
could Tirzah Ann hear, for her room was clear to the 
other end of the house, and such a time as I had to 
keep Josiah in the bed. The first he j)layed was what 
they call an involuntary, and I confess it did sound 
like a cat, before they get to spitin, and tearin' out fur, 
you know they will go on kinder meloncholy. He 




THOMAS J. AUI/IIKSSKS TlIK SERENADEK. 




josiAii's ruoFosj;D kaip. 



A MOONLIGHT SERENADE. 151 

went on in that way for a length of time which I cant 
set down with any kind of accuracy, Josiah thinks it 
was about 2 hours and a half, I mybelf don't believe it 
was more than a quarter of an hour. Finally he broke 
out singin' a tune the chorus of which was, 

" Oh think of me — oh thmk of me." 

"No danger of our not thinkin' on you," says 
Josiah, no danger on it." 

It was a long piece and he played and sung it in a 
slow, and affectin' manner. He then played and sung 
the follerin' 

" Come ! oh come with me Miss Allen, 
The moon is beaming ; 
Oh Tirzah ; come with me, 
The stars are gleaming; 
All around is bright, with beauty teeming, 
Moonlight hours — in my opinion — 
Is the time for love. 

My skiff is by the shore, 

She's light, she's free, 

To ply the feathered oar Miss Allen, 

Would be joy to me. 

And as we glide along. 

My song shall be, 

(If you'l excuse the liberty Tirzah) 

I love but thee, I love but thee. 

Chorus — Tra la la Miss Tirzah, 
Tra la la Miss Allen, 
Tra la la, tra la la. 
My dear young maid. 

He then broke out into another piece, the chorus of 
which was, 

" Curb oh curb thy bosom's pain 
I'll come again, I'll come again." 



153 JOSIAH SHOWS WICKEDNESS. 

" No you wont," says Josiali, " you wont never get 
away, I will get up Samantha." 

Says I, in low but awful accents, " Josiah Allen, if 
you make another move, I'll part with you," says I,"it 
does beat all, how you keep ^ctin' to-night ; haint it 
as hard for me as it is for you ? do you think it is any 
comfort for me to lay here and hear it ?" says I, " that 
is jest the way with you men, you haint no more 
patience than nothin' in the world, you was young 
once yourself." 

" Throw that in my face agin will you ? what if I 
wuz ! Oh do hear him go on," says he shakin' his fist. 
" Curb oh curb thy bosom's pain," if I was out there 
my young feller, I would give you a jDain you couldn't 
curb so easy, though it might not be in your bosom." 

Says I " Josiah Allen, you have showed more wick- 
edness to-night, than I thought you had in you ;" says 
I " would you like to have your pastur, and Deacon 
Dobbs, and sister Graves hear your revengeful threats ? 
if you was layin' helpless on a sick bed would you be 
throwin' your arms about, and shakin' your fist in that 
way ? it scares me to think a pardner of mine should 
keep actin' as you have," says I " you have fell 25 
cents in my estimation to-night." 

" Wall," says he, " what comfort is there in his 
prowlin' round here, makin' two old folks lay all night 
in j)erfect agony ?" 

" It haint much after midnight, and if it was," says 



EXTREMELY MELONCHOLLY 153 

Ij in a deep and majestic tone. " Do you calculate, 
Josiah Allen to go through life without any trouble ? 
if you do you will find yourself mistaken," says I. 
"Do be still." 

" I wmit be still Sanfentha." 

Just then he begun a new piece, durin' which the 
akordeun sounded the most melonchoUy and cast down 
it had yet, and his voice was solemn, and affectin'. I 
never thought much of Shakespeare Bobbet. He is 
about Thomas Jefferson's age, his moustache is if pos- 
sible thinjier than hisen, should say whiter, only that 
is a impossibility. He is jest the age when he wants 
to be older, and when folks are willin' he should, for 
you dont want to call him Mr. Bobbet and to call him 
"bub" as you always have, he takes as a deadly insult. 
He thinks he is in love with Tirzah Ann, which is jest 
as bad as long as it lasts as if he was ; jest as painful 
\X> him and to her. As I said he sung these words in 
a slow and affectin' manner. 

When I think of thee, thou lovely dame, 
I feel so veak and overcame. 
That tears would burst from my eye-lid, 
Did not my stern manhood forbid ; 
For Tirzah Ann, 
■\ I am a meloncholly man. 

I scorn my looks, what are fur hats 
To such a wretch ; or silk cravats ; 
My feelin's prey to such extents, 
Victuals are of no consequence. 

Oh Tirzah Ann, 

I am a melonchoUy man. 



154 THE LAST PIECE SUNG. 

As he waited on you from spellin' school, 
My anguish spurned all curb and rule, 
My manhood cried, " be calm ! forbear'l" 
Else I should have tore out my hair ; 

For Tirzah Ann, 

I was a meloncholly man. 

As I walked behind, he little knew 
What danger did his steps pursue ; 
I had no dagger to unsheath, 
But fiercely did I grate my teeth ; 

For Tirzah Ann, 

I was a meloncholly man. 

I'm wastin' slow, my last year's vests 
Hang loose on me ; my nightly rests 
Are thin as gauze, and thoughts of you, 
Gashes 'em wildly through and through, 

Oh Tirzah Ann, 

I am a meloncholly man. 

My heart is in such a burning state, 

I feel ft soon must conflagrate ; 

But ere I go to be a ghost, 

What bliss — could'st thou tell me thou dost — 
Sweet Tirzan Ann — 
Think on this meloncholly man. 

He did'nt sing but one more piece after this. 1 
don't remember the words for it was a long piece. 
Josiah insists that it was as long as Milton's Paradise 
Lost. 

Says I, " don't be a fool Josiah, you never read it." 

" I have hefted the bpok,'* says he, " and know the 
size of it, and I know it was as long if not longer." 

Says I agin, in a cool collected manner, " don't be a 
fool Josiah, there wasn't more than 25 or 30 verses at 
the outside." That was when we was %lkin' it over 



FINALE BY THOMAS JEFFERSON. 165 

to the breakfast table this mornin,' but I confess it did 
seem awful long there in the dead of the night; 
though I wouldn't encourage Josiah by sayin' so, he 
loves the last word now, and I don't know what he 
would be if I encouraged him in it. I can't remember 
the words, as I said, but the chorus of each verse was 

Oh ! I languish for thee, Oh ! I languish for thee, wherever that I be, 
Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! I am languishin' for thee, I am languishin' for thee. 

As I said I never set much store by Shakespeare 
Bobbet, but truly everybody has their strong pints ; 
there was quavers put in there into them " Oh's " 
that never can be put in agin by anybody. Even 
Josiah lay motionless listenin' to 'em in a kind of awe. 
Jest then we heard Thomas Jefferson speakin' out of 
the winder overhead. 

" My musical young friend, haven't you languished- 
enough for one night ? Because if you have, father 
and mother and I, bein' kept awake by other serenar 
aders the forepart of the night, will love to excuse 
you, will thank you for your labors in our behalf, and 
love to bid you good evenin', Tirzah Ann bein' fast 
asleep in the other end of the house. But don't let 
me hurry you Shakespeare, my dear young friend, if 
you haint languished enough, you keep right on lan- 
guishin'. I hope I haint hard hearted enough to deny 
a young man and neighbor the privilege of languishin'. 

I heard a sound of footsteps under the winder, fol- 



156 



RELICKS LEFT ON THE FIELD. 



lowed seemin'ly instantaneously by the rattlin' of the 
board fence at the extremity of the garden. Judgin' 
from the sound, he must have got over the ground at 
a rate seldom equaled and never outdone. 

A button was found under the winder in the morn- 
in,' lost off we suppose by the impassioned beats of a 
too ardent heart, and a too vehement pair of lungs, 
exercised too much by the boldness and variety of the 
quavers durin' the last tune. That button and a few 
locks of Malta fur, is all we have left to remind us of 
our sufferin's. 




4th OF JULY IN JONESVILLE. 



A few days before the 4:th Betsey Bobbet come Into 
oure house in the mornin' and says she, 

" Have you heard the news ?" 

" No," says I pretty brief, for I was jest pnttin' in 
the ingrediences to a six quart pan loaf of fruit cake, 
and on them occasions I want my mind cool and unruf- 
fled. 

" Aspire Todd is goin' to deliver the oration," says 
she. 

" Aspire Todd ! Who's he ?" says I cooly. 

" Josiah Allen's wife," says she, " have you forgot- 
ten the sweet poem that thrilled us so in the Jonesville 
Gimblet a few weeks since ?" 

" I haint been thrilled by no poem," says I with an 
almost icy face pourin' in my melted butter. 

" Then it must be that you have never seen it, I 

have it in my port money and I will read it to you," 

15Y 



158 A SWEET POEM. 

says she, not heedin' the dark froiin gatherin' oii my 
eyebrow, and she begun to read, 

A questioning sail sent over the Mystic Sea. 

BY PROF. ASPIRE TODD. 

So the majestic thunder-bolt of feeling, 

Out of our inner lives, our unseen beings flow, 

Vague dreams revealing. 

Oh, is it so ? Alas ! or no, 

How be it, Ah ! how so ? 

Is matter going to rule the deathless mind ? 
'' I What is matter ? Is it indeed so ? 

' ■ Oh, truths combined ; 

Do the Magaloi theoi still tower to and fro ? 

How do they move ? How flow ? 

Monstrous, aeriform, phantoms sublime, 
! Come leer at me, and Cadmian teeth my soul gnaw, 

i Through chiliasms of time ; 

Transeendentaly and remorslessly gnaw ; 

By what agency ? Is it a law ? 

Perish the vacueus in huge immensities ; 
Hurl the broad thunderbolt of feeling free. 
The vision dies ; 

So lulls the bellowing surf, upon the mystic sea, 
Is it indeed so ? Alas ! Oh me. 

" How this sweet poem appeals to tender hearts," 
says Betsey as she conchided it. 

" How it appeals to tender heads " says I almost 
coldly, measurin' out my cinnamon in a big spoon. 

"Josiah Allen's wife, has not your soul never sailed 
on that mystical sea he so sweetly depictures ? " 

" Kot an inch," says I firmly, " not an inch." 

" Have you not never been haunted by sorrowful 
phantoms you would fain bury in oblivion's sea ?" 



th£ celebration commences. 16d 

"Not once," says I "not a phantom," and says I as 
I measured out my raisons and English currants, " if 
folks would work as I do, from mornin' till night and 
earn thier honest bread by the sweat of tiiier eyebrows, 
they wouldn't be tore so much by phantoms as they 
be ; it is your shiftless creeters that are always bein' 
gored by phantoms, and havin' 'em leer at 'em," says 
I with my spectacles bent keenly on her, " Why don't 
they leer at me Betsey Bobbet ?" 

" Because you are intellectually blind, you cannot 
see." 

" I see enough," says I, " I see more'n I want to a 
good deal of the time." In a dignified silence, I then 
chopped my raisons impressively and Betsey started 
for home. 

The celebration was held in Josiah's sugar bush, 
and I meant to be on the ground in good season, for 
when I have jobs I dread, I am for takin' 'em by the 
forelock and grapplin' with 'em at once. But as I was 
bakin' my last plum puddin' and chicken pie, the folks 
begun to stream by, I hadn't no idee thier could be so 
many folks scairt up in Jonesville. I thought to my- 
self, I wonder if they'd flock out so to a prayer-meetin.' 
But they kep' a comin', all kind of folks, in all kinds 
of vehicles, from a 6 horse team, down to peacible 
lookin' men and wimmen drawin' baby wagons, with 
two babies in most of 'em. 

There was a stagin' built in most the middle of the 



160 ON THE FIELD. 

grove for the leadin' men of Jonesville, and some 
board seats all round it for the folks to set on. As 
Josiah owned the ground, he was invited to set upon 
the Btagin'. 

And as I glanced up at that man every little while 
through the day, I thought proudly to myself, there 
may be nobler lookin' men there, and men that would 
weigh more by the steelyards, but there haint a whiter 
shirt bosom there than Josiah Allen's. 

When I got there the seats was full. Betsey Bob- 
bet was jest ahead of me, and says she, 

" Come on, Josiah Allen's wife, let us have a seat, 
we can obtain one, if we push and scramble enough." 
As I looked upon her carryin' out her doctrine, pushiu' 
and scramblin', I thought to myself, if I didn't know 
to the contrgjry, I never should take you for a modest 
dignifier and retu'er. And as I beheld her bi-eathin' 
hard, and her elboes wildly wavin' in the air, pushin' 
in between native men of Jonesville and foreigners, I 
again methought, I don't believe you would be so 
sweaty and out of breath a votin' as you be now. And 
as I watched her labors and efforts I continued to 
methink sadly, how strange ! how strange ! that retirin' 
modesty and delicacy ©an stand so firm in some situa- 
tions, and then be so quickly overthrowed in others 
seemin'ly not near so hard. 

Betsey finally got a seat, wedged in between a large 
healthy Irishman and a native constabie, and she 



THE PROFESSOR ON THE STAGE 163 

motioned for me to come on, at the same time pokin' 
a respectable old gentleman in front of her, with her 
parasol, to make him move along. Says I, 

" I may as well die one way as another, as well 
expier a standin' up, as in tryin' to get a seat," and I 
quietly leaned up against a hemlock tree and composed 
myself for events. A man heard my words which I 
spoke about 1-2 to myself, and says he, 

" Take my seat, mum." 

SaysI"]Sro! keep it." 

Says he " I am jest comin' down with a fit, I have 
got to leave the ground instantly." 

Says I "In them cases I will." So I sot. His ton- 
gue seemed thick, and his breath smelt of brandy, but 

1 make no insinuations. 

About noon Prof. Aspire Todd walked slowly on to 
the ground, arm in arm with the editor of the Gimlet, 
old Mr. Bobbet follerin' him closely behind. Countin' 

2 eyes to a person, and the exceptions are trifiin', 
there was 700 and fifty or sixty eyes aimed at him as 
he walked through the crowd. He was dressed in a 
new shin in' suit of black, his complexion was deathly, 
his hair was jest turned from white, and was combed 
straight back from his forward and hung down long, 
over his coat coller. He had a big moustache, about 
the color of his hair, only bearin' a little more on the 
sandy, and a couple of pale blue eyes with a pair of 
spectacles over 'em. 

As he walked upon the stagin' behind the Editor of 



164 THE PROFESSOR'S SPEECH. 

the Gimlet, the band struck up, " Hail to the chief, 
that in trihnmp advances." As soon as it stopped 
playin' the Editer of the Gimlet come forward and 
said — 

" Fellow citizens of Jonesville and the adjacent and 
snrroundin' world, I have the honor and privilege of 
presenting to you the orator of the day, the noble and 
eloquent Prof. Aspire Todd Esq. 

Prof. Todd came forward and made a low bow. 

"Bretheren and sisters of Jonesville" says he; 
"Friends and patrons of Liberty, in risin' upon this 
aeroter, I have signified by that act, a desire and a 
willingness to address you. I am not here fellow and 
sister citizens, to outrage your feelings by triflin' 
remarks, I am not here male patrons of liberty to lead 
your noble, and you female patrons your tender foot- 
steps into the flowery fields of useless rhetorical elo- 
quence ; I am here noble brothers and sisters of Jones- 
ville not in a mephitical manner, and I trust not in a 
mentorial, but to present a few plain truths in a plain 
manner, for your consideration. My friends we are 
in one sense but tennifolious blossoms of life ; or, if 
you will pardon the tergiversation, we are all but min- 
eratin' tenniro&ters, hovering npon an illinition of 
mythoplasm." 

" Jess so," cried old Bobbet, who was settin' on a 
bench right under the speaker's stand, with his fat red 
face lookin' up shinin' with pride and enthusiasm, (and 



OLD MR. BOBBET. 1&$ 

the brandy he had took to honor the old Revolutionary 
heroes) "Jess so ! so we be !" 

Prof. Todd looked down on him in a troubled kind 
of a way for a minute, and then went on — 

" Noble inhabitants of Jonesville and the rural dis- 
tricts, we are actinolitic bein's, each of our souls, like 
the acalphia, radiates a circle of prismatic tentacles, 
showing the divine irridescent essence of which com- 
posed are they." 

" Jes' so," shouted old Bobbet louder than before. 
" Jes' so, so they did, I've always said so." 

" And if we are content to moulder out our exis- 
tence, like fibrous, veticulated, polypus, clingin' to the 
crustaceous courts of custom, if we cling not like soar- 
in' prytanes to the phantoms that lower thier sceptres 
down through the murky waves of retrogression, en- 
deavorin' to lure us upward in the scale of progressive 
bein'— in what degree do we differ from the accolphia ?" 

" Jes' so," says old Bobbet, lookin' defiantly round 
on the audience. " There he has got you, how can 
they?" 

Prof. Todd stopped again, looked doun on Bobbet, 
and put his hand to his brow in a wild kind of a way, 
for a minute, and then went on." 

" Let us, noble brethren in the broad field of human- 
ity, let us rise, let us prove that mind is superior to 
matter, let us prove ourselves superior to the acal- 
phia — " 

" Yes, less," says old Bobbet, " less prove ourselves." 



166 THE EDITER IMTERFERES. 

" Let US shame the actinia," said the Profesgor. 

" Yes, jes' so !" shouted old Bobbet, " less shame 
him !" and in his enthusiasm he got up and hollered 
agin, " Less shame him." 

Prof. Todd stopped stone still, his faee red as blood, 
he drinked several swallows of water, and then he 
whispered a few words to the Editer of the Gimlet 
who immegiately come forward and said — 

" Although it is a scene of toudiin' beauty, to see an 
old gentleman, and a bald-headed one, so in love with 
eloquence, and to give such remarkable proofs of it at 
his age, still as it is the request of my young friend — 
and I am proud to say ' my young friend ' in regard 
to one gifted in so remarkable a degree — at his re- 
quest I beg to be permitted to hint, that if the bald- 
headed old gentleman in the linen coat can conceal his 
admiration, and supress his applause, he will confer a 
favor on my gifted young friend, and through him in- 
directly to Jonesville, to America, and the great caiise 
of humanity, throughout the length and breadth of the 
country." 

Here ho made a low bow and sot d-own. Prof. 
Todd continued his piece without any more interrup- 
tion, till most the last, he wanted the public of Jones- 
ville to " dround black care in the deep waters of obliv- 
ion, mind not her mad throes of dissolvin' beln', but 
let the deep waters cover her black head, and march 
onward." 



THE NEXT SPEAKER. 167 

Then the old gentleman forgot himself, and sprung 
up and hollered — 

" Tes ! dround the black cat, hold her head under ! 
What if she is mad ! don't mind her screamin' ! there 
will be cats enough left in the world ! do as he tells 
you to ! less dround her !" 

Prof. Todd finished in a few words, and set doun 
lookin' gloomy and morbid. 

The next speaker was a large, healthy lookin' man, 
who talked aginst wimmin's rights. He didn't bring 
up no new arguments, but talked as they all do who 
oppose 'em. About wimmin outragin' and destroy in' 
thier modesty, by bein' in the same street with a man 
once every lection day. And he talked grand about 
how woman's w-eakness arroused all the shivelry and 
nobility of a man's nature, and how it was his dearest 
and most sacred privilege and happiness, to protect 
her from even a summer's breeze, if it dared to blow 
too hard on her beloved and delicate form. 

Why, before he had got half through, a stranger 
from another world who had never seen a woman, 
wouldn't have had the least idee that they was made 
of clay as man was, but would have thought they was 
made of some thin gauze, liable at any minute to blow 
away, and that man's only employment was to stand 
and watch 'em, for fear some zephyr would get the 
advantage of 'em. He called wimmin every pretty 
name he could think of, and says he, wavin' his hands 



168 A ARGUMENT ILLUSTRATED. 

in the air in a rapped eloquence, and beatin' his breast 
in the same he cried, 

" Shall these weak, helpless angels, these seraphines, 
these sweet, delicate, cooin' doves — whose only mission 
it is to sweetly coo — these rainbows, these posys vote ? 
Never ! my bretheren, never will we put such hard- 
ships upon 'em." 

As he sot down, he professed himself and all the 
rest of his sect ready to die at any time, and in any 
way wimmin should say, rather than they should vote, 
or have any other hardship. Betsey Bobbet wept 
aloud, she was so delighted with it. 

Jest as they concluded thier frantic cheers over his 
speech, a thin, feeble lookin' woman come by where I 
stood, drawin' a large baby wagon with two children 
in it, seemin'ly a two-year-old, and a yearlin'. She 
also carried one in her arms who was lame. She 
looked so beat out and so ready to drop down, that I 
got up and give her my seat, and says I, 

" You look ready to fall down." 

" Am I too late," says she, " to hear my husband's 
speech ?" 

" Is that your husband,'' says 1, " that is laughin' 
and talkiu' with that pretty girl?" 

" Yes," says she with a sort of troubled look. 

" Well, he jest finished." 

She looked ready to cry, and as I took the lame 
chil(^ from her breakin' arms, says I — 



WOMAN'S FAITH AND DEVOTION. 169 

" This is too hard for you." 

" I wouldn't mind gettin' 'em on to the ground," 
says she, " I haint had only three miles to bring 'em^ 
that wouldn't be much if it wasn't for the work I had 
to do before I come." 

" What did you have to do ?" says I in pityin' ac- 
cents. 

" Oh, I had to fix him off, brush his clothes and 
black his boots, and then I did up all my work, and 
then I had to go out and make six length of fence — 
the cattle broke into the corn yesterday, and he was 
busy writin' his piece, and couldn't fix it — and then I 
had to mend his coat," glancin' at a thick coat in the 
wagon. " He didn't know but he should want it to 
wear home, he knew he was goin' to make a great ef- 
fort, and thought he should sweat some, he is dreadful 
easy to take cold," says she with a worried look. 

"Why didn't he help you along with the children ?" 
Bays I, in a indignant tone. 

" Oh, he said he had to make a great exertion to-day, 
and he wanted to have his mind free and clear ; he is 
one of the kind that can't have their minds tram- 
meled." 

" It would do him good to be trammeled — ^liard !" 
says I, lookin' darkly on him. 

" Don't speak so of him," says she beseechingly. 

" Are you satisfied with his doin's ?" says I, lookin' 
keenly at her. 

" Oh yes," says she in a trustin' tone, liftin' her 



170 ADJOURNED FOR DINNER. 

care-worn, weary countenance to mine, " oli yes, you 
don't know liow beautiful he can talk.''^ 

I said no more, for it is a invincible rule of my life, 
not to make no disturbances in families. But I give 
the yearlin' pretty near a pound of candy on the spot, 
and the glances I cast on Mm and the pretty girl he 
was a flirtiu' with, was cold enough to freeze 'em both 
into a male and female glazier. 

Lawyer I^ugentnow got up and said, " That whereas 
the speaking was foreclosed, or in other words finished, 
he motioned they should adjourn to the dinner table, 
as the fair committee had signified by a snowy signal 
that fluttered like a dove of promise above waves of 
emerald, or in plainer terms by a towel, that dinner was 
forthcoming ; whereas he motioned that they should 
adjourn sine die to the aforesaid table." 

Old Mr. Bobbet, and the Editer of the Gimlet sec- 
onded the motion at the same time. And Shakespeare 
Bobbet wautin' to do somethin' in a public way, got 
up and motioned "that they proceed to the table on the 
usial road ", but there wasn't any other way — only to 
wade the creek- — that didn't seem tp be necessary, but 
nobody took no notice of it, so it was jest as well. 

The dinner was good, but there was an awful crowd 
round the tables, and I was glad I wore my old lawn 
dress, for the children was thick, and so was bread and 
butter, and sass of all kinds, and jell tarts And I 
hain't no shirk, T jest plunged right into the heat of 



DINNER AND TOAST. 171 

the battle, as you may say, waitin' on the children, and 
the spots on my dress skirt would have been too much 
for anybody that couldn't count 40. To say nothin' 
about old Mr. Peedick steppin' through the back 
breadth, and Betsey Bobbet ketchin' holt of me, and 
rippin' it off the waist as much as 1-2 a yard. And 
then a horse started up behind the widder Tubbs, as I 
was bendin' down in front of her to get somethin' out 
of a basket, and she weighin' above 200, was precipi- 
tated onto my straw bonnet, jammin' it down almost 
as flat as it was before ft was braided. I came ofi 
pretty well in other respects, only about two yards of 
the ruflin' of my black silk cape was tore by two boys 
who got to fightin' behind me, and bein' blind with 
rage tore it off, thinkin' they had got holt of each 
other's hair. There was a con^erable number of 
toasts drank, I cant remember all of 'em, but among 
'em was tiiese, 

"The eagle of Liberty ; May her quills lengthen till 
the proud shadow of her wings shall sweetly rest on 
every land." 

"The 4:th of July ; the star which our old four fathers 
tore ft-om the ferocious mane of the howling lion of 
England, and set in the calm and majeetic brow of -£* 
pluribus unum. May it gleam with brighter and 
brigiiter radience, till the lion shall hide his dazzled 
eyes, and cower like a stricken lamb at the feet of 



172 A OFFERIN' Br B. B. 

" Dr. Bombns our respected citizen ; how he tenderly 
ushers us into a world of trial, and professionally and 
scientifically assists us out of it. May his troubles 
be as small as his morphine powders, and the circle 
of his joys as well rounded as his pills*" 

" The press of Jonesville, the Gimlet, and the Augur ; 
May they perforate the crust of ignorance with a gi- 
gantic hole, through which blushing civilization can 
sweetly peer into futurity." 

" The fair sect : first in war, first in peace, and first 
in tlie hearts of their countrymen. May them that 
love the aforesaid, flourish like a green bayberry tree, 
whereas may them that hate them, dwindle down as 
near to nothin' as the bonnets of the aforesaid." 

That peifce of toast was Lawer Nugent's. 

Prof. Aspire Todd's was the last. 

" The Luiaincus Lamp of Progression, whose sciath- 
erical shadows falling upon earthly matter, not promo- 
ting sciolism, or Siccity, may it illumine humanity as 
it tardigradely floats from matter's aquius wastes, to 
minds majestic and apyrous climes." 

Shakspeare Bobbet then rose up, and says he, 

" Before we leave this joyous grove I have a poem 
which I was requested to read to you, it is dedicated 
to the Goddess of Liberty, and was transposed by an- 
other female, who modestly desires her name not to be 
mentioned any further than the initials B. B." 



AT HOME COUNTIN' THE COST. 173 

He then read the follerin' spirited lines : 

Before all causes East or West, 

I love the Liberty cause the best, 

I love its cheerful greetings ; 

No joys on earth can e'er be found, • ■ ' , 

Like those pure pleasures that abound, 

At Jonesville Liberty meetings. 

To all the world I give my hand, 
My heart is with that noble band, 
The Jonesville Liberty brothers ; 
May every land preserved be, 
Each clime that dotes on Liberty — 
Jonesville before all others. 

The picknick never broke up till most night, I went 
home a little while before it broke, and if there was a 
beat out creeter, I was ; I jest dropped mj delapidat ed 
form into a roekin' chair with a red cushien and says I, 

" There needn't be another word said, I will never 
go to another 4:th as long as my name is Josiah Al- 
len's wife." 

" You haint patriotic enough Semantha says Josiah, 
you dont love your country." 

" What good has it done the nation to have me all 
tore to pieces ? says I, "• Look at my dress, look at my 
bonnet and cape, any one ought to be a iron clad to 
stand it, look at my dishes !" says I. 

^ I guess the old heroes of the Revolution went 
through more than that," says Josiah. 

" Well I haint a old hero !" says I coolly. 

" Well you can honor 'em cant you V 



174 WHAT GOOD HAS IT DONE ? 

'• Honor 'em ! Josiah Allen what good has it done 
to old Mr. Layfayette to have my new earthern pie 
plates smashed to bits, and a couple of tines broke off 
of one of my best forks ? What good has it done to 
old Thomas Jefferson, to have my lawn dress tore off 
of me by Betsey Bobbet ? what benefit has it been to 
John Adams, or Isaac Putnam to have old Peedick step 
through it ? what honor has it been to George Wash- 
ington to have my straw bonnet flatted down tight to 
my head ? I am sick of this talk about honorin, and 
liberty and duty, I am sick of it," says I " folks will 
make a pack horse of duty, and ride it to circus'es. 
and bull fights, if we had 'em. You may talk about 
honorin' the old heroes and goin' through all these per 
formances to please 'em. But if they are in Heaven 
they can get along without heerin' the Jonesville brass 
band, and if they haint, they are probably where fire- 
works haint much of a rarity to 'em." 

Josiah quailed before my lofty tone and I relapsed 
into a weary and delapidated silence. 



SIMON SLIMPSEY AND HIS MOURNFUL 
FOREBODIN'S. 



TWO or three weeks after this, Thomas Jefferson 
went to the school house to meetin' one Sunday 
night, and he broke out to the breakfast table the next 
mornin' — 

" Mother, I am sick of the Jews," says he, " I should 
think the Jews had a hard enough time a wanderin' 
for 40 years, it seems to me if I was in minister's 
places I would let 'em rest a little while now, and go 
to preachin' to livin' sinners, when the world is full 
of 'em. There was two or three drunkards there last 
night, a thief, four hypocrites, and — " 

" One little conceited ereeter that thinks he knows 
more than his old minister," says I in a rebukin' tone. 

"Yes, I noticed Shakespeare Bobbet was there," 

says he calmly. " But wouldn't it have been better, 

mother, to have preached to these livin' sinners that 

are goin to destruction round him, and that ought to 

be chased up, and punched in the side with the Gos- 

177 



178 BETSEY TALKED IN MEETIN'. 

pel, than to chase round them old Jews for an hour 
and a half? Them old men deserve rest, and ought 
to have it." 

Sajs I, "Elder "Wesley Minkley used 'em as a 
means of grace to carry his hearers towards heaven." 

Says Thomas, " I can go out in the woods alone, and 
lay doun and look up to the sky, and get nearer to 
heaven, than I can by follerin' up them old dead 
Jews." 

Says I in awful earnest tones, " Thomas Jefferson, 
you are gettin' into a dangerous path," says I, " don't 
let me hear another word of such talk ; we should all 
be willin' to bear our crosses." 

" I am willin' to bear any reasonable cross, mother, 
but I hate to tackle them old Jews and shoulder 'em, 
for there don't seem to be any need of it." 

I put on about as cold a look onto my face as I 
could under the circumstances, (I had been fryin' buck- 
wheat pancakes,) and Thomas J. turned to his father — 

" Betsey Bobbet talked in meetin' last night after 
the sermon, father, she said she knew that she was 
religious, because she felt that she loved the breth- 
eren." 

Josiah laughed, the way he encourages that boy is 
awful, but I spoke in almost frigid tones, as I passed 
him his 3d cup of coffee, 

" She meant it in a scriptural sense, of course." 

" I guess you'd think she meant it in a earthly sense. 



THOMAS J. ON BETSEY'S RELIGION. 179 

if jou had seen her hang on to old Slimpsey last night, 
she'll marry that old man yet, if he don't look out." 

" Oh shaw !" says I coolly, " she is payin' attention 
to the Editer of the Augur." 

" She'll never get him," says he ; " she means to be 
on the safe side, and get one or the other of 'em ; how 
stiddy she has been to meetin' sense old Slimpsey 
moved into the place." 

" You shall not make light of her religion, Thomas 
Jefferson," says I, pretty severely. 

" I won't, mother, I shouldn't feel right to, for it is 
light enough now, it don't all consist in talkin' in 
meetin', mother. I don't believe in folks' es usin' up 
all their religion Sunday nights, and then goin' with- 
out any all the rest of the week, it looks as shiftless in 
'em as a three-year-old hat on a female. The religion 
that gets up on Sunday nights, and then sets down all 
the rest of the week, I don't think much of." 

Says I in a tone of deep rebuke, " Instead of tendin' 
other folks'es motes, Thomas Jefferson, you had better 
take care of your own beams, you'll have plenty work, 
enough to last you one spell." 

" And if you have got through with your breakfast," '" 
says his father, " you had better go and fodder the 
cows." 

Thomas J. arose with alacraty and went to the barn, 
and his father soon drew on his boots and follered him, 
and with a pensive brow I turned out my dishwater. 



180 A VISIT FROM SIMON SLIMPSEY. 

1 hadn't got my dishes more than half done, when with 
no warnin' of no kind, the door bust open, and in tot- 
tered Simon Slimpsey, pale as a piece of a white cot- 
ton shirt. I wildly wrung out my dishcloth, and of- 
fered him a chair, sayin' in a agitated tone, " What is 
the matter, Simon Slimpsey ?" 

" Am I pursued ?" says he in a voice of low frenzy, 
as he sunk into a wooden bottomed chair, I east one 
or two eagle glances out of the window, both ways, 
and replied in a voice of choked doun emotion, 

" There haint nobody in sight ; has your life been 
attackted by l)urglers and incindiarys ? speak, Simon 
Slimpsey, speak!" 

He struggled nobly for calmness, but in vain, and 
then he put his liand wildly to his brow, and mua'mured 
in low and hollow accents — 

"Betsey Bobbet." 

I see he was overcome by as many as six or seven 
dilFei'ent emotions of various anguishes, and 1 give 
him pretty near a minute to recover himself, and then 
says I as I sadly resumed my dishcloth, 

" What of her, Simon Slimpsey ?" 

" She'll be the death on me,,' says he, " and that 
haint the worst on it, my sole is jeopardized on account 
of her. Oh," says he, groanin' in a anguish, " could 
you believe it. Miss Allen, that I — a member of a Au- 
thodox church and the father of 13 small children — 
Gould be tempted to swear ? Behold that wretch. As 



SIMON SLIMPSEY'S APPEARA.NCE. 181 

I come through your gate jest now, I said to myself 
*By Jupiter, I can't stand it so, much longer,' And 
last night I wished I was a ghost, for I thought if I 
was a apperition I could have escaped from her view. 
Oh," says he, groanin' agin, " I have got so low as to 
wish I was a ghost." 

He paused, and in a deep and almost broodin' 
silence, I finished my dishes, and hung up my dishpan. 

" She come rushin' out of Deacon Gowdey's, as I 
come by jest now, to talk to me, she don't give me no 
peace, last night she would walk tight to my side all 
the way home, and she looked hungry at the gate, as 
I went through and fastened it on the inside." 

Agin he paused overcome by his emotions, and I 

looked pityingly on him. He was a small boned man 

of about seventy summers and winters. He was 

always a weak, feeble, helj)les8 critter, a kind of a 

underlin always. He never had any morals, he got 

out of morals when he was a young man, and haint 

been able to get any sense. He has always drinked a 

good deal of liquor, and has chawed so much tobacco 

that his mouth looks more like a old yellow spitoon 

than anything else. As I looked sadly on him I see 

that age, who had plouglied the wrinkles into his faces, 

had turned the furrows deep. The cruel fingers of 

time, or some other female, had plucked nearly every 

hair from his head, and the ruthlcBS hand of fate had 

also seen fit to deprive him of his eye winkers, not 
8 



182 



A VICTIM OF BAD LUCK. 



one solitary winker bein' left for a shade tree (as it 
were) to protect the pale pupils below ; and they bein' 
a light watery blue, and the lids bein' inflamed, they 

looked sad indeed. 
Owin' to afilictive pro- 
vidences he was dress- 
ed up more than men 
generally be, for his 
neck bein' badly swell- 
ed lie wore a string 
of amber beads, and 
in behalf of his sore 
eyes he wore ear rings. 
But truly outside 
splendor and glitter 
wont satisfy the mind, 
and briHg happiness. 
I 1 o o k e d u p o n h i s 
mournful face, and my heart melted inside of me, 
almost as soft as it could, almost as soft as butter in 
the month of August. And I said to him in a sooth- 
in' and encouragin' tone, 

" Mebby she will marry the Editer of the Augur, 
she is payin' attention to him." 

" Ko she wont," says he in a solemn and affectin' 
way, that brought tears to my eyes as I sot peelin' my 
onions for dinner. " No she wont, I shall be the one, 
I feel it. I was always the victim, I was always down 




SIMON SLIMPSET. 



" SHE'LL GET ROUND ME," 183 

trodden. When I was a baby my mother had two 
twins, both of 'em a little older than me, and they 
almost tore me to pieces before I got into trowses. 
Mebby it would have been better for me if they had," 
says he in a mewsin' and mournful tone — I knew he 
thought of Betsey then — and heavin' a deep sigh he 
resumed, 

" "When I went to school and we played leap frog, 
if there was a frog to be squshed down under all the 
rest, I was that frog. It has always been so — if there 
was ever a underlin' and a victim wanted, I was that 
underlin' and that victim. And Betsey Bobbet will 
get round me yet, you see if she dont, wimmen are 
awful perseverin' in such things." 

" Cheer up Simon Sliinpsey, you haint obleeged to 
marry her, it is a free country, folks haint obleeged to 
marry unless they are a mind toj it dont take a brass 
band to make that legal." I quoted these words in a 
light and joyous manner hopin' to rouse him from his 
dispondancy, but in vain, for he only repeated in a 
gloomy tone, 

" She'll get round me yet, Miss Allen, I feel it." 
And as the dark shade deepened on his eye brow he 
said, 

"Have you seen her verses in the last week's 
Augur?" 

" 1^0 " says I " I haint." 

In a silent and hopeless way, he took the paper out 



^18i A MODEST POEM BY B. B. 

of his pocket and handed it to me and I read as fol- 
lers : — 

A SONG. 

Composed not for the strong minded females, who madly and in- 
decently insist on rights, but for the retiring and delicate minded of 
the sex, who modestly murmer, " we will not have any rights, we scorn 
them." Will some modest and bashful sisteh set it to music, that we 
may timidly, but loudly warble it ; and oblige, hers 'till deth, in the 
glorious cause of wimmen's only true speah. BETSEY BOBBET. 

Not for strong minded wimmen, 
Do I now tune up my liah ; 
Oh, not for them would I kin- 
, die up the the sacred fiah. 

Oh, modest, bashful female, 
! For you I tune up my lay ; 

i Although strong minded wimmen sneah, 

'■ We'll conqueh in the fray. 

Chorus. — Press onward, do not feah, sistehs, 
Press onward, do not feah ; 
Remembeh wimmen's speah, sistehs, 
Remembeh wimmen's speah. 

It would cause some fun if poor Miss Wade 

Should say of her boy Harry, 

I shall not give him any trade, 

But bring him up to marry ; 

And would cause some fun, of course deah maids, 

If Miss Wades'es Harry, 

Should lose his end and aum in life. 

And find no chance to marry. 

Chorus. — Press onward, do not feah, sistehs, &c. 

Yes, wedlock is our only hope, 
All o'er this mighty nation ; 
Men are brought up to other trades, 
But this is our vocation. 
Oh, not for sense or love, ask we; 
We ask not to be courted, 
Our watch-word is to married be. 
That we may be supported. 
Chorus. — Press onward, do not feah, sistehs, &c. 



SLIMPSET DON'T WANT TO MARRY. 18^' 

Say not, you're strong and love to work ; 
Are healthier than your brotheh, 
Who for a blacksmith is designed ; 
Such feelins you must smotheh ; 
Your restless hands fold up, or gripe 
Your waist into a span, 
And spend your strength in looking out 
To hail the coming man. 
Chorus. — ^Press onward, do not feah, sistehs, &c. 

Oh, do not be discouraged, when 

You find your hopes brouglit down ; 

And when you meet unwilling men. 

Heed not their gloomy frown ; 

Yield not to wild dispaih ; 

Press on and give no quartah. 

In battle all is faih ; 

We'll win for we had orteh. 

Chorus. — Press onward, do not feah, sistehs, 
Press onward do not feah, 
Remembeh wimmen's speah, sisters, 
Reraembeh wimmen's speah. 

" Wall " says I in a enconragin' tone, " that haint 
much different from the piece she priutid a week or 
two ago, that was about womans spear." 

" It is that spear that is a goin' to 'destroy me," says 
he mournfully, 

" Dont give up so, Simon Slimpsey, I hate to see 
you lookin' so gloomy and depressted." 

" It is the awful detarmination these lines breathe 
forth that appauls me" says he. " I have seen it in 
another. Betsey Bobbet reminds me dreadfully of 
another. And I dont want to marry again Miss Allen, 
I dont want to," says he lookin' me pitifully in the 
face, " I didnt want to marry the first time, I wanted 



186 RECONCILED TO HIS LOSS, 

to be a bachelder, I think they have the easiest tirad 
of it, by half. Now there is a friend of mine, that 
never was married, he is jest my age, or that is, he is 
only half an hour younger, and that haint enough diff- 
erence to make any account of, is it Miss Allen ?" says 
he in a pensive, and enquirin' tone. 

" Ko," says I in a reasonable accent. " No, Simon 
Slimpsey, it haint." 

" "Wall that man has always been a bachelder, and 
you ought to see what a head of hair he has got, sound 
at the roots now, not a lock missing. I wanted to be 
one, she, my late wife, came and kept house for me 
and married me. I lived with her for IS years, and 
when she left me, he murmured with a contented look, 
" I was reconciled to it. I was reconciled for some- 
time before it took place. I dont want to say anything 
against nobody that haint here, but I lost some hair by 
my late wife," says he puttin' his hand to his bald head 
in a abstracted way, as gloomy reflections crowded onto 
him, " 1 lost a good deal of hair by her, and I haint 
much left as you can see," says he in a meloncholy 
way " I did want to save a lock or two for my child- 
dren to keep, as a relict of me. I have 13 children as 
you know, countin' each pair of twins as two, and it 
would take a considerable number of hairs to go round." 
Agin he paused overcome by his feelin's, I knew not 
what to say to comfort him, and I poured onto him a 
few comfortin' adjectives. 



OVERCOME BY HIS FEELIN'S. 187 

**' Mebby you are borrowin' trouble without a cause 
Simon Slimpsey ! witii life there is hope ! it is always 
the darkest before daylight." But in vain. He on- 
ly sighed mournfully. 

" She'll get round me yet Miss Allen, mark tny 




SIMON OVERCOME. 



words, and when the time comes you 'will think of 

what I told you." His face was most black with 

gloomy aprehension, as he reflected agin. " You see 

if she dont get round me !" and a tear began to flow. 

I turned away with instinctive delicacy and sot my 

pan of onions in the sink, but when I glanced at him 

agin it was still flowin'. And I said to him in a tone 

of about two thirds pity and one comfort, 

" Chirk up, Simon Slimpsey, be a man." 

" That is the trouble," says he "if I wasn't a man, 

she would give me some peace." And he wept into 

his red silk handkerchief (with a yellow border) bitterly. 



FREE LOYE LECTURES. 



It was a beautiful mornin' in October. The trees 
in the woods nigh by, had all got their new fall 
Buits on, red and purple and orange, while further back, 
the old hills seemed to be a settin' up with a blue gauze 
vail on. There was a little mite of a breeze blowin' 
up through the orchard, where the apples lay in red 
and yellow heaps in the green grass. Everything 
looked so beautiful and fresh, that as I went out on 
the doorstep to shake the tablecloth, my heart fairly 
8ung for joy. And I exclaimed to Josiah in clear, 
happy tones, 

" What a day it is, Josiah, to gather the winter ap- 
ples and pull the beets." 

He says, " Yes, Samantha, and after you get your 
work done up, don't you s'pose you could come out 
and pick up apples a spell ?" 

I told him in the same cheerful tones I had formally 

used, " that I would, and that I would hurry up my 

188 



BETSEY GETS KISSED AT LAST. 189 

dishes as fast as I could, and come out." 

But alas ! liow little do we know what trial a hour 
may bring forth ; this hour brought forth Betsey Bob- 
bet. As I went to the door to throw out my dishwa- 
ter, I see her comin' through the gate. I controlled 
myself pretty well, and met her with considerable 
calmness. She was in awful good spirits. There had 
been a lecture on Free Love to Jonesville ; Prof. The- 
ron Gusher had been a Icctiiriu' there, and Betsey had 
attended to it, and was all full of the idee. She begun 
almost before she sot down, and says she, 

Josiah Aliens wife you cant imagine what new and 
glorious and soaring idealis that man has got into his 
head." 

" Let him soar," says I coldly, it dont hurt me." 

Says she, " He is too soaring a soul to be into this 
cold unsympathizing earth, he ought by good right to 
be in a warmeli speah." 

Says I coldly, and almost frigidly, " From what I 
have heard of his lecture I think so too, a good deal 
warmer." 

Says she, " He was to our house yesterday, he said 
he felt dreadful drawed to me, a kind of a holy draw- 
ing you know, I neveh saw such a saintly, heavenly 
minded man in my life. Why he got into such a 
spirutal state — when motheh went out of the room a 
minute — he kissed me moah than a dozen times ; that 

man is moah than half a angel, Josiah Aliens wife." 
8* 



190 A PROFESSOR SOMEWHAT MARRIED. 

I gave her a look that pierced like sheet lightnirf 
through her tow frizzles and went as much as half 
through her brain. 

"Ilaint Theron Gusher a married man?" 

" Oh yes, some." 

" Some ! " I repeated in a cold accent, " He is 
either married or he haint married one or the other," 
and again I repeated coldly "is he a married man 
Betsey?" 

" Oh yes, he has been married a few times, or what 
the cold world calls marrying — he has got a wife now, 
but I do not believe he has found his affinity yet, 
though he has got several bills of divorcement from 
various different wimmen trying to find her. That 
rrhwy be his business to Jonesville, but it does not 
become me to speak of it." 

Says I " Betsey Bobbet ! " and I spoke in a real 
solemn camp meetin' tone, for I was talkin' on deep 
principle," says I, " you say he is a married man — and 
now to say nothin' of your own modesty if you have 
got any and stand up onto clear principle, how would 
you like to have your husband if you had one, round 
kissin' other wimmen ? " 

"Oh," says she, "His wife will neveh know it, 
neveh !" 

" If it is such a pious, heavenly, thing, why not tell 
her of it?" 

" Oh Prof. Gusheh says that some natures are to 



MARRIED MEN GOOD FOR SOME PURPOSES. 191 

gross and earthly to comprehend how souls can meet, 
scorning and forgetting utterly those vile, low, clay 
bodies of ours. He does not think much of these clay 
bodies anyway." 

" These clay bodies are the best we have got," says 
I, "And we have got to stay in 'em till we die, and the 
Lord tells us to keep 'em pure, so he can come and 
visit us in 'em. I don't believe the Lord thinks much 
of these holy drawin's. I know I don't." 

Betsey sot silently twistin' her ottor colored bonnet 
strings, and I went on, for I felt it was my duty. 

" Married men are jest as good as them that haint 
married for lots of purposes, such as talkin' with on 
the subject of religeon, and polytix and miscela»ious 
subjects, and helpin' you out of a double wagon, and 
etcetery. But when it comes to kissin', marryin' spiler; 
men in my opinion for kissin' any other woman only 
jest their own wives." 

" But suppose a man has a mere clay wife ? " says 
Betsey. 

Says I, " Betsey, Josiah Allen was goin' to buy a 
horse the other day that the man said was a 3 year 
old ; he found by lookin' at her teeth that she was 
pretty near 40 ; Josiah didn't buy it. If a man don't 
want to marry a clay woman, let him try to find one 
that haint clay. I think myself that he will have a 
hard time to find one, but he has a perfect right to 
hunt as long as he is a mind to — ^let him," says I in a 



192 A FREE LOVE SONG. 

liberal tone. " Let h.im hira a horse and sulkej, and 
search the country over and over. I don't care if he 
is 20 years a huntin' and comparin' wiinmin a tryin' 
to find one to suit him. But when he once makes up 
his mind, I say let him stand by hi-s bargain, and make 
the best of it, and not try afterwards to look at her 
teeth." 

Betsey still sot silently twistin' her bunnet strings, 
but I see that she was a mewsin' on some thought of 
her own, and in a minute or so she broke out : " Oh, 
what a soaring sole Prof. Gusheh is ; he soared in his 
lecture to that extent that it seemed as if he would 
lift me right Up, and carry me off." 

For a minute I thought of Theron Gusher with 
respect, and then agin my eye fell sadly upon Betsey, 
and she went on, 

" I came right home and wrote a poem on the sub- 
ject, and I will read it to you." And before I could 
say a word to help myself, she begun to read. 
Him of the Free Love Republic. 
BT BETSEY BOBBET. 

If females had the spunk of a mice, 
From man, their foeman they would arise, 
Their darning needles to infamy send — 
Their dish cloth fetters nobly rend , 
From tyrant man would rise and flee; 
Thus boldly whispered Betsey B. 

Chorus. — Females, have you a mice's will, 
You will rise up and get a bill. 

But sweeter, sweeter, 'tis to see, 
When man hain't found aifiinitee, 



A SORT OF WAR CRY. 193 

But wedded unto lumps of clay, 
To boldly rise and soar away. 
Ah ! 'tis a glorious sight to see ; 
Thus boldly murmured Betsey B. 
Chorus. — ^Male men, have you a mice's will. 
You will rise up and get a bill 

Haste golden year, when all are free 
To hunt for their affiinitee ; 
When wedlock's gate opens to all, 
The halt, the lame, the great, the small. 
Ah ! blissful houh may these eyes see — 
These wishful eyes of Betsey B. 

Chorus. — Males ! females ! with a mice's will. 
Rise up ! rise up ! and get a bill. 

For that will hasten on that day — 
That blissful time when none can say. 
Scornful, '■ I am moah married than thee ! " 
For all will be married, and all worCt be ; 
But promiscous like. Oh ! shall I see 
That blessed time, sighed Betsey B. — 

Chorus. — Yes, if folks will have a mice's will 
And will rise up and get a bill, 

" Toil see it repeats some," says Betsey as she fini- 
ished readin'. But Prof. Gusheli wanted me to write 
a him to sing at thier Free Love conventions, and he 
wanted a chorus to each verse, a sort of a war-cry, that 
all could join in and help sing, and he says these soul 
stirrin' lines 

Have you a mice's will. 

You will rise up and get a bill ;' 

have got the true ring to them. 1 had to kind o' speak 
against men in it. I hated too, awfully, but Prof. 
Gusheh said it would be necessary, in ordeh to rouse 
the masses. He says the almost withering sarcasm of 
this noble song is just what they need. He says it 



194 HUNTIN' FOR AFFINITIES. 

will go down to posterity • side by side with Yankee 
Doodle, if not ahead of it. I know by his countenance 
that he thought it was superior to Mr. Doodles him. 
But what think you of it, Josiah Allen's wife ? " 

" I think " says I in a cautious tone, " that it is 
about off 'n' a piece with the subject." 

" Don't you think Josiah Allen's wife that it would 
be real sweet to get bills from men. It is a glorious 
doctrine for wimmen, so freein' and liberatin' to them." 

" Sweet !" says I hautily " it would be a pretty 
world wouldn't it Betsey Bobbet, if every time a wo- 
man forgot to put a button onto a shirt, her husband 
would start up and say she wasn't his affinitee, and go 
to huntin' of her up, or every time his collar choked 
him." 

" Oh, but wimmen could hunt too !" 

" Who would take care of the children, if they was 
both a huntin' ? " says I sternly, " it would be a hard 
time for the poor little innocents, if there father and 
mother was both of 'em oif a huntin'." 

Before I could free my mind any further about Prof. 
Gusher and his doctrine, I had a whole houseful of 
company come, and Betsey departed. But before she 
went she told me that Prof. Gusher had heard that I 
was in faver of wimmen's rights and he was comin' to 
see me before he left Jonesville. 

The next day he came. Josiah was to the barn a 
thrashin' beans, but I received him with a calm dig- 



A VISIT FROM THE PROFESSOR. 



195 




PROFESSOR GUSHER. 



nity. He was a harmless lookin' little man, witli his 
hair combed and oiled as smooth as a lookin' glass. 

He had on a bell-cronn- 
ed hat which he lifted 
from his head with a 
smile as I come to the 
door. He wore a plad 
jacket, and round his 
neck and hangin' doun 
his bosom was a bright 
satten scai-f into which 
lie had stuck 2 big head- 
ed pins with a chain 
hitched onto each of 'em, and he had a book under his 
arm. He says to me most the first thing after he sot 
down, 

" You believe in wimmin havin' a right dont you ?" 
" Yes Sir," says I keenly lookin' up from my knitin' 
work. " Jest as many rights as she can get holt of, 
rights never hurt any body yet." 

" "Worthy statements," says he. " And you believe 
in Free Love, do you not ?" 
"How free?" says I cooly. 

" Free to marry any body you want to, and as long 

as you want to, from half a day, up to 5 years or so." 

" No Sir !" says I sternly, " I believe in rights, but 

I dont believe in wrongs, of all the miserable doctrines 

that was ever let loose on the world, the doctrine of 



196 PEPPERMINT RECOMMENDED. 

Free Love is the miserable'st. Free Love !" I repeat- 
ed in indignant tones," " it onglit to be called free dev- 
iltry, that is the right name for it." 

He sunk right back in his chair, put his hand wildly 
to his brow and exclaimed, 

" My soul aches, I thought I had found a congenial 
spirit, but I am decieved, my breast aches, and siths, 
and pants." He looked so awful distressed, that I 
didn't know what did ail him, and I looked pityin' on 
him from over my spectacles and I says to him jest as 
I would to our Thomas Jeiferson, 

" Mebby your vest is too tight." 

" Yest !" he repeated in wild tones, "would I had 
no worse trammels than store clothes, but it is the 
fate of reformers to be misunderstood. " Woman the 
pain is deeper and it is a gnawin' me." 

His eyes was kinder rolled, and he looked so wilted 
and uncomfortable, that I says to him in still more 
pityin' accents, 

"Haint you got wind on your stummuck," for if 
you have, peppermint essence is the best stuff you can 
take, and I will get you some." 

" Wind ! " he almost shouted, " wind ! no, it is not 
wind," he spoke so deleriously that he almost skairt 
me, but I kep up my placid demeaner, and kep on 
knittin'. 

" Wimmen," said he, " I would right the wrongs 
of your sect if I conld, I bear in iny heart the woes 



NO TEAENIN' FOR FREEDOM. 197 

and pains of all tlie aching female hearts of the 19 
centurys." 

My knittin' dropped into my lap, and I looked up at 
him in surprise, and I says to him respectfully, 

"No wonder you groan and sithe, it must hurt 
awfully." 

" It does hurt," says he, " but it hurts a sensitive 
spirit worse to have it mistook for wind." 

He see my softened face, and he took advantage of 
it, and went on. 

" Woman, you have been married, you say, goin' on 
15 years ; hain't you never felt slavish in that time, 
and felt that you would gladly unbind yourself?" 

" Never !" says I firmly, " never ! I don't want to 
be unbound." 

" Hain't you never had longings, and yearnings to 
be free?" 

" Not a yearn," says I calmly, " not a yearn. " If 
I had wanted to remain free I shouldn't have give my 
heart and hand to Josiah Allen. I didn't do it deleri- 
ously, I had my senses." Says I, " you can't set down 
and stand up at the same time, each situation has its 
advantages, but you can't be in both places at once, 
and this tryin' to, is what makes so much trouble 
amongst men and wimmen. They want the rights 
and advantages of both stations to once — they want to 
set down and stand up at the same time, and it can't 
be did. Men and wimmen hain't married at the pint 
of the bayonet, they go into it with both their eyes 



19B NO VALUE IN A BILL. 

open. If an^'body thinks tliey are happier, and freeir 
from care without bein' married, nobody compels 'em 
to be married, bnt if they are, they hadn't ought to 
want to be married and single at the same time, it is 
onreasonable." 

He looked some convinced, and I went on in a softer 
tone, 

"I hain't a goin' to say that Josiah hain't been tryin' 
a good many times. He has raved round some, when 
dinner wasn't ready, and gone in his stockin' feet con- 
sidci'iible, and been slack about kindlin' wood. Like- 
wise I have my failin's. I presume I hain't done 
always exactly as I should about shirt buttons, mebby 
I have scolded more'n I ort to about his keepin' geese. 
But if men and wimmen think they are marryin' 
angels, they'll find out they'll have to settle down and 
keep house with human critters. 1 never see a year 
yet, that didn't have more or less winter in it, but 
wdiat does it say, ' for better, for worse,' and if it turns 
out more worse than better, why that don't part us, for 
what else does it say ? ' Till death does us part,' and 
what is your little slip of paper that you call a bill to 
that? Is that death ?" says I. 

He quailed silently, and I proceeded on. 

" I wouldn't give a cent for your bills, I had jest as 
lives walk up and marry any married man, as to marry 
a man with a bill. I had jest as lives,"' says I Avarmin' 
with my subject, " I had jest as lives join a Mormon 
at once. How should I feel, to know there was another 



WHAT I WOULD DO. 199 

woman loose m tlie world, liable to walk in here any 
minnte and look at Josiali, and to know all that sepa- 
rated 'em was a little slip of paper abont an inch M'ide ?" 

My voice was loud and excited, for I felt deeply 
what I said, and says he in soothin' tones, 

" I presume that you and your husband are conge- 
nial spirits, but what do you think of soarin' soles, 
that find out when it is too late that they are wedded 
to mere lumps of clay. 

I hadn't fully recovered from my excited frame of 
mind, and I replied warmly, " I never see a man yet 
that wasn't more or less clay, and to tell you the truth 
I think jest as much of these clay men as I do of these 
soarers, I never had any opinion of soarers at all." 

He sank back in his chair and sitlied, for I had 
touched him in a tender place, but still clinging to 
his free love doctrine, he murmered faintly, 

" Some vvimmen are knocked down by some men, 
and dragged out." 

His meek tones touched my feelin's, and I contin- 
ued in more reasonable accents. 

" Mel)l)y if I was married to a man that knocked 
me down and dragged me out frequently, I would 
leave him a spell, but not one cent would I invest in 
another man, not a cent. I would live alone till he 
came to his senses, if he ever did, and if he didn't, 
why when the great roll is called over above, I would 
answer to the name I took when J loved him and 
married him, hopin' his old love would come back 



200 A MEAN BUSINESS. 

again there, and we would have all eternity to keep 
house in." 

He looked so depressted, as he sot leanin' back in 
his chair, that I thought I had convinced him, and he 
was sick of his business, and I asked him in a helpful 
way, 

" Hain't there no other business you can get into, 
besides preachin' up Free Love? Hain't there no 
better business? Hain't there no cornfields where 
you could hire out for a scare-crow — can't you get to 
be United States Senator? Hain't there no other 
mean job not quite so mean as this, you could get into ? 

He didn't seem to take it friendly in me, you know 
friendly advice makes some folks mad. He spoke out 
kinder surly and says he, " I hain't done no hurt, I 
only want everybody to find their affinitee. 

That riled up the blood in me, and says I with 
spirit, 

" Say that word to me agin if you dare." Says I 
" of all the mean words a married woman ever listened 
to, that is the meanest," says I " if you say " affinitee " 
here in my house, agin, young man, I will holler to 
Josiah." 

He see I was in earnest and deeply indignent, and 
he ketched up his hat and cane, and started off", and 
glad enough was I to see him go. 



ELDER "WESLEY MINKLE'S DONATION 
PARTY. 



About four weeks afterwards, I had got my kitchen 
mopped out, clean as a pin and everything inper- 
fect order and the dinner started, (I was goin' to have 
beef steak and rice puddin',) and then I took a bowl 
of raisons and sot doun to stun 'em, for I was goin' to 
bake a plum cake for supper. I will have good vittles 
as long as my name is Josiah Allen's wife. And it 
haint only on my own account that I do it, but I do it 
as I have observed before, from deep and almost 
cast iron principle. For as the greatest of philosiphers 
have discovered, if a woman would keep her table 
spread out from year to year, and from hour to hour, 
filled with good vittles, that woman would have a 
clever set of men folks round. 

As I sot serenely stunnin' my raisons, not dreamin' 
of no trouble, I heard a rap at the door, and in walked 
Betsey Bobbet. I see she looked kinder curious, but I 
didn't say nothin', only I asked her to take off her 
things. She complied, and as she took out her tattin' 

and begun to tat, says she — 

201 



202 BETSEY'S NEGLECTED DUTY. 

" I have come to crave your advise, Josiali Allen's 
wife. I am afraid I have been remissin' in my duty. 
Martin Farquar Tupper is one of the most sweet- 
est poets of the ages. My sentiments have always 
blended in with his beautiful sentiments, I have 
always flew with his flights, and soahed with his 
soahs. And last night afteh I had retiahed to bed, one 
of his sublime ideahs come to me with a poweh I nev- 
ch befoah felt. It knocked the bolted doali of my 
heart open, and said in low and hollow tones as it en- 
tered in, ' Betsey Bobbet, you have not nevah done 
it.' " 

Betsey stopped a minute here for me to look sur- 
prised and wonderin', but I didn't, I stunned my rais- 
ons with a calm countenance, and she resumed — 

" Deah Tuj)pah remarks that if anybody is goin' to be 
married, thier future companion is upon the earth some- 
where at the present time, though they may not have 
met him or her. And he says it is our duty to pray 
for that future consort. And Josiah Allen's wife, 1 
have not neveh done it." 

She looked agonized, as she repeated to me, " Josiah 
Allen's wife, I have neveh preyed for him a word. I 
feel condemned ; would you begin now ?" 

Says I coolly, " Are you goin' to prey /b/' a husband, 
or abo^lt one ?" 

Says she mournfully, " A little of both." 

" "Wall," says I in a cautious way, " I don't know 
as it would do any hurt, Betsey." 



BETSEY DECIDES TO WORK AND PREY. 203 

Says she, " I will begin to prey to-night. But that 
is not all I wished to crave your advise about. Folks 
must work as well as prey. Heaven helps them that 
help themselves. I am goin' to take a decided stand." 
Then she broke off kinder sudden, and says she, " Be 
you a goin' to the Faih and Donation to the Methodist 
church to-morrow night ?" 

"Yes," says I, " I am a layin' out to go." 

" Well, Josiah Allen's wife, will you stand by me ? 
There is not another female woman in Jonesville that 
I have the firm unwaverin' confidence in, that I have 
in you. You always bring about whateveh you set 
youh hands to do — and I want to know, will you 
stand by me to-morrow night ?" 

Says I in a still more cautious toiie " what under- 
takin' have you got into your head now, Betsey Bob- 
bet?" 

" I am going to encourage the Editah of the Augah. 
That man needs a companion. Men are bashful and 
oflish, and do not always know what is the best for 
them. I have seen horses hang back on the harness 
before now, I have seen geese that would not walk 
up to be picked. I have seen children hang back 
from pikery. The horses ought to be made to go ! 
The geese ought to be held and picked ! The 
children ought to take the pikery if you have to hold 
tliieh noses to make them. The Editah of the Augah 
Qieeds a companion, I am going to encourage that man 



204 



JOSIAII DON'T BELIEVE IN DONATIONS. 



to-morrer uiglit and I want to know Josiali Allen's 
wife if jou will stand by me." 

I answered her in reasonable tones. " Yon know 
Betsey that I can't run, I am too fat, and then I am 
gettin' too old. Mebbj I might walk np and help 
you corner him, but you know I can't run for any- 
body." 

Jest then Josiah came in and the conversation 
dropped down viz : on the fare. Says Josiah, says 
he, " Brother Wesley Minklcy is a honest, pure minded 
man and I shall go, and shall give accordin' to my 

a b i 1 i t y, b u t T 
don't believe in 
'em, I don't be- 
lieve in doin' so 
much for minis- 
ters. The bible 
says let them live 
on the gospel; 
ivliy don't they ? 
The old 'postles 
WEEgi't always 
liavin' donations 
and feres to get 
v^,^^^^^^g up money for 'em, 
livin' on gospel. and big sallerys. 

Why don't they live like the 'postles ? " 

Says I, " Josiah Allen you try to live on clear gospel 




THE TOSTLE PAUL AS AN EXAMPLE. 205 

a spell, and see if your stommack wouldn't feel kinder 
empty." Says I, "The bible says the 'Laborer].- 
worthy of his hire.' " Says l", " folks are willin' to pay 
their doctors and lawyers, and druggers, and their tin- 
peddlers, and every body else only niinistei's, and if 
any body has a slave's life, it is a good conscientious 
minister." Says I, " Brother Wesley Minkley works 
like a dog." 

" I don't deny it," says Josiah, " but why don't ho 
live like the 'postle Paul ?" 

Says I, "the 'postle Paul didn't have to buy 40 o:- 
50 yards of merymac callico and factory cloth ever: 
year. He didn't have to buy cradles and cribs, am. 
soothin' syrup, for he didn't have any babys to b'^ 
cribbed and soothed. He didn't have to buy bnnnet; , 
and gographys, and j)runella gaters, and back combs-, 
and hair pins, and etcetery, etcetery. He didn't have 
a wife and seven daughters and one son, as Brother 
Wesley Minkley has got." Says I, almost warmh-, 
" Every other man, only jest n\inisters, has a hope of 
layin' up a little somethin' for their children, but thef^^ 
don't think of doin' that, all they expect is to kec; 
'cm alive and covered uj?," and says I, " The congregr 
tion they almost slave themselves to death for, begrec!. 
that, and wfll jaw too if they hain't covered up, ai... 
dressed up slick. Sister Minkley wants her girls lo 
look as well as the rest of the girls in the Church. ' 

Says I, "The 'postle Paul wasn't a mother, Josial , 
9 



206 THE DONATION PARTY. 

not that I have anything against him," says I more 
mildly. 

The conversation was intenipted here by Shakes- 
peare Bobbet comin' after Betsey, they had company. 
Betsey returned with him, but her last words to me 
was, in a low awful voice, 

" Will you stand by me Josiah Allen's wife ? " I 
sithed, and told her in a kind, of a bland way, " I 
would see about it." 

The donatin and fare occured Wednesday night, 
and Josiah and me went early, Thorns J. and Tirzah 
Ann bein' off to school. And I carried as much and 
as good as anybody there, though I say it that 
shouldn't. I carried as good vittles too as there was 
and I didn't scrimp in quantity neither. 

We was a layin' out to carry 'em half a barrel of 
pork, and I made a big jar of butter and sold it, and 
got the money for it, five dollars, and I atted Josiah 
to sell the pork and get the money for that. Says I, 
" Brother Mi ukley and his wife have both come to 
years of understandin', and it stands to reason that 
they both know what they want better than we do, 
and money will buy anything," 

Josiah kinder hung back, but I carried the day. 
And so we carried 15 dollars in a envelop, and told 
sister Minkley to open it after we got home. I didn't 
want 'em to thank us for it — it makes me feel just as 
mean as pusley. But some folks carried the litlest 



VERY USEFUL ARTICLES. SOT 

tilings. There was a family of 7 liearty men and wo- 
men, and all they carried was a book mark out of per- 
forated paper, and a plate of cookeys. There was 7 
book marks, for I counted 'em, and 14 pair of slips for 
the minister's only boy, who is home from school. And 
this same young man, Whitfield Minkley, had 24 neck 
ties. Of course there was some other things, a few 
sassige or so, a little flour, and some dried blackberrys. 

Cut it does beat all what simple things some folks 
will carry. Shakespeare Bobbet carried the minister 
a pair of spurs. Thinks' I to myself, '' What is he 
goin' to use 'em on, the saw horse or the front gate ?" 
For they have kep' him doun so low, that he is too 
poor to own any other steeds. 

And Betsey Bubbet brought him a poem of hers all 
flowered off round the edges, and trimmed with pink 
ribbon. 1 haint nothin' aginst poetry, but with a big 
family like Brother Minkley's, it did seem to me that 
there was other things that would be more nourishin' 
and go fmtlier. 

After we had left our vittles in the procession 
room where we was goin' to eat, I marched into the 
meetin' house room which was full of folks, and Broth- 
er Minkley came up to talk with me. I felt low spir- 
ited, for Betsey's design wore on me. And when 
Brother Minkley took my hand in hisen, and shook it 
in the purest and most innocent manner, and said, 
" Sister Allen, what is the matter ? are you havia' a 
xercise in jonr mind ?" 



208 A XCERCISE OF THE MIND. 

Says I to him, " Yes, Brother Minklej, I be." 

I turned the suhjoct fjiiickly then, for I al)hor hip- 
pocrites, and 1 felt that I was a deceivin' him. For 
whereas he thought I was havin' a religous xcercise 
performin' in my mind, I was not; it was Betsey Bob- 
bet's design that was a wearin' on me. So I waved 
off the subject quickly, though I knew that like as not 
he would think I was a backslidin' and was afraid he 
would ketch me at it. Thinks'es I, better let him 
think I am a slidin' back, I can endure false importa- 
tions better than 1 can let myself out for a hyppocrite. 
I waved off the subject and says I, 

" That was a beautiful sermon of yours last Sund<iy, 
Brother Minkley." 

" You moan that from the text 'lie overthrew the 
tables of the money changers,' and so forth ; I am glad 
it pleased you, sister Allen. I meant to hit a blow at 
ganiblin' that would stagger it, for gamblin' is a pre- 
vailin' to a alarmin' extent." And then says he, plant- 
in' himself firmly before me, " Did you notice, sister 
Allen, the lucid and logical manner in which I carried 
up the argument from the firstly to the twenty-thii'd- 
ly?" 

I see then I was in for it. Brother Wesley Minkley 
haint got another fault on earth as T know on — only 
jest a catchin' his church members and preachin' his 
sermons over to 'em. But T have said 100 times that 
I am glad he has got that, for it sets me more at rest 



SERMONS PREACHED OVER. 209 

about him on wind j days. Kot that I really s'pose he 
will ascend, but if he hadn't got that fault I should be 
almost temjjted to examine his shoulder Wades occa- 
sionally, (on the outside of his coat,) to see if his wings 
was a spoutin', he is so fine and honest and unsuspi- 
ceious. 

When his sermons are so long that they get up into 
the twentiethlies, and thirtiethlies, as they j in orally 
do, I can't say but what it is a little wearin' on you, to 
stand stun still whenever he happens to catch you, in 
the store, or street, or doorstep, and have him preach 
'em all over to you alone. You feel kinder curious, 
and then sometimes your feet will get to sleep, JJut 
on the present occasion I rejoiced, for it freed me for 
the time bein' from Betsey's design. He laid liolt of 
that sermon, and carried it all up before me through 
the firstlys and the tenthlys, just as neat and regular 
as you could hist a barel up the chamber stairs, and 
had just landed it before the ninteenthly which was, 
- That all church mem1)ers had ort to cet too'ethei', 
and rastle with the awful vice of gamblin' and throw 
it, and tread onto it," when Betsey Bobbet appear- 
ed before us suddenly with a big bag before her and 
says she, 

" Here is the grab bag, you must grab." 
I never heard of the thing before, and it come so 
kind of sudden on me that I hung back at first. 
But there wus a whole lot of folks lookin' on, and I 



210 



ELDER MINKLEY GAMBLES. 



didn't want to act odd, so I laid holt of it, and grab- 
bed it with both hands as tight as I could towards the 
bottom. Betsey said that wasn't the way, and then 
her design so goaded her, that she bent forward and 
whispered in my ear, ' 

" The Editah of the Angah got home to-nignt, he 
is expected here in half an hour, I expect you to stand 
by me Josiah Allen's wife." 

I sithed heavy, and while I was a sithin' Betsey 
asked Elder Minkley to grab, and he, thinkin' no hurt, 
bein' so pure minded and unsuspicious, and of such a 
friendly turn, he threw both arms around the bag 
grabbed it, and held it tight. And then Betsey 




TIIp; KXEMY ATTACKTED. 



explained it to us — you had to pay 25 cents and then 
you run your hand into the bag, and had jest what 
you happened to grab first. 

Then at that minute I see the power of pure and cast 
iron principle as I never seen it before. Betsey 



THE ELDER THROWS THE TEMPTER. 211 

Bobbet and all other sorrows and sufferin' was for the 
minute forgot, and I was glad I had been born. With 
the look of a war horse when his mane tosses, and 
he snorts, a smellin' of the battle field, Elder Wesley 
Minkley ketched the bag out of Betsey's tremblin' 
hand, threw it down onto the floor, and sot down on 
it. He looked peaceful then, he knew he had throwed 
the temi)ter, and got on to it, holdin' of it down. 
In the most tryin' and excitin' scenes of life, the good 
of the human race is my theme of mind, I am so 
wrapped up in it, and then, even in this glorious scene, 
I said to myself, " Ah would that Adam had served 
them apples in the same way." 

Brother Mhikley took out his red silk handkerchief 
and wiped his heroic, but sweaty face, for it was warm 
in the meetin' house, and he bein' a large portly man, 
principle had heat him up. And then such a sermon 
as he preached to Betsey Bobbet, it did my very soul 
good to hear, says he, "It is gamblin', and gamblin' 
of the very worst kind to, for it is gamblin' in the 
name of God." 

" Oh " says Betsey, " deah and respected sir, the 
money is for you, and it is not gamblin', for there is 
not any wicked papeh cards connected with it at all, 
it is only a sort of pious raffling in harmless pincush- 
ions and innocent rag children." 

Then did I see pure principle mountin' up higher 
and higher, his honest fat face grew fire red with it, 



212 A NEW ATTACK OF THE ENEMY. 

tind says he, " No raffled pincushions shall ever enrich 
me, I scorn lucre that is obtained in that way. Not 
one, cent of money Betsey Bobbet will I ever take, 
that is realized from the sale of these ragged children. 
Not a ragged child shall be gambled for, for me, not a 
child." 

We was right under the gallery, and at this minute 
a fish hook was let down not but a little ways from 
us, and Shakespeare Bobbet who stood by a basket 
full of things, hitched on a long huzzy all made of 
different kinds of calico, and it went up a danglin' 
over our heads. As he ketched sight of it, Brother 
Wesley Minkley started up and says he, to Betsey in 
tones that would be replied to, 

" What does that mean ? " 

Says Betsey in almost tremblin' tones, " They pay 
ten cents for fishin' once." 

Then says he in tones that sounded some like 
distant thunder, 

" Do they know what they are goin' to get for thier 
money ?" 

" No sir," says she, and she quailed to that extent 
that I almost pitied her. 

" More gamblin !" he cried in fearful tones. And 
then he sprung for the huzzy, and shouted up the gal- 
lery to Shakespeare Bobbet, " I forbid you to draw up 
this huzzy another step. I forbid this huzzy to be 
drawed up an inch further." He hung on to the 



THE GRAB-BAGS AND HUZZIES OVERCOME. 213 

huzzy with both hands, and says he — with the fire of 
his old foregrandfather in his eye (who was an orderly 




THE ELDER ON THE ALERT. 



sargant in the Revolution) " I'll see if there is *goin' 
to be huzzies gambled for in this way. I'll see if 
there is goin' to be such shameless doin's in my 
church !" 

For the next half hour confusion rained. But pure 
principle conquered. In the language of scripture 
slightly altered to suit the occasion, " He overthrew 
the grab bags, and drove out the huzzies and fish 
hooks." When peace rained agin, I grasped holt of 
his hand, and says I almost warmly, 

" You have done a good job brother, some folks may 

call it pious gamblin', but I never believed in it." 
9* 



214 MATCH MAKING. 

Whitfield Minlvley come up at that very minute, and 
says he," That is jest as I think," says he, in the lan- 
guage of Shakespeare, " ' It is stealin' the livery horses 
of heaven, to carry the devil out a ridin' " or mehby I 
hain't got the very words, but it was some thin' to that 
effect. 

Says I," I never knew that Shakespeare Bobbet ever 
turned his mind that way," and then says I in a cor- 
dial way, " I am real glad you have got home Whit- 
field, I guess I am about as glad to see you as any 
body, unless it is your ma, and one or two others." 

He thanked me and said it seemed good to get home 
agin, and then says he, "I suppose Tirzah Ann is 
well." His face as he said this was as red as his neck 
tie. But I didn't seem to notice it. I talked with 
him quite a spell about her, and told him both the 
• children would be to home Saturday, and he must 
come up then, for Thomas Jefferson would be awful 
disappointed not to see him. 

He looked awful tickled when I asked him to come, 
and he said he should certaiidy come, for he never 
wanted to see Thomas Jefferson so bad, in his life. 

I don't make no matches, nor break none. But I 
hain't a goin' to deny, that sister Minkley and I haw 
talked it over, and if things go on, as they seem to 1k' 
a goin' between ^e?/- Whitfield and our Tirzah Ann, 
there won't be no straws laid in their way, not a 
straw. 

Whitfield wns called off bv one of his sisters, and 



THE EDITEH ARRIVES 215 

Brother Wesley Minkley standin' in front of me 
begun, 

" Sister Allen, I am very mnch like you, I believe 
in actin' up to our professions, and as I was about to 
remark in my twentiethly," then that good, pure 
minded man begun agin jest where he left off. He 
had jest lifted up his left hand, and was pintin' it off 
with his right fore finger, and I was jest thinkin' that 
most likely 1 had got my night's job in front of me, 
when unxpected the Editor of the Augur come to 
speak to me, and Brother Wesley Minkley bein' a true 
gentleman, stopped preachin' to once, and went to 
talkin' to Josiah. 

I looked sadly into the face of the Editer of the 
Augur, and sitlied, for I knew that Betsey would soon 
begin to encourage him, and I pitied him. 

He said "How de do?" to me, and I said in a ab- 
sent minded way that " I was ; and I hoped it was so 
with him." And then I sithed agin. And my two 
gray eyes looked sadly into his' en (which was butnut 
colored) for a spell, and then roamed off across the 
room onto Betsey. I seen her a fixin' on her water- 
fall more securely, and a shakin' out her greek bender, 
and tightnin' her horse hair bracelets, and her lips 
moved as if she was beginnin' to prey. And I knew 
he had got to be encouraged, and I felt for him. 

The Editer of the Auger followed my moumfuJ 
gaze, and I was surprised to see the change in his but- 



21G THE EDITEH CONGRATULATES HIMSELF. 

nut eye as it met liers, from what it had been in more 
former times preceediii'. For whereas he had always 
looked at her with fear and almost agonizin' aprehen- 
sion, as if he realized his danger, now he looked full 
in her face, as she smiled across the room at him, with 
a proud hanghty and triumphant mene on him I could 
not nnderstaud. He gazed at her silently for I should 
think pretty near a half a minute and then he turned 
to me with a sweet, contented smile curvin' his mous- 
tache — which had been colored a new bright black, — • 
and says he to me with a peaceful and serene look on 
to Betsey, 

" How sweet it is Josiah Allen's wife for a noble but 
storm tosted bark to anchor in a beautiful calm. How 
sweet it is, when you see the ravenin' tempest a smil- 
in' at you, I mean a lowerin' at you, in the distance, 
to feel that it can't harm you — that you are beyond its 
reach. To see it in its former dread power a drawin' 
near — " (Betsey had started to come towards us.) 
" and feel that you are safe from it. Josiah Allen's 
wife I feel safe and happy to night." 

Betsey was stopped for the minute by Deacon Gow- 
dey, but I knew it was only a momentary respite, and 
knowin' her design, how could I answer ? I could 
only look gloomy into his face, and think sadly, Ah ! 
how little we know when trials and dangers are ahead 
of us, how little we know when we are goin' to be 
encouraged. 



MARRIED AND SAVED. 217 

But he continued on in tlie same sweet liappy tri- 
umphin' tones, 

" Josiah Allen's wife, I believe you are my friend." 

"Yes! and your well wislier," and says I almost 
wildly," whatever comes, whatever may happen to you, 
remember that I wished you well, and I pitied you." 

" Instead of pityin' me, wish me joy," and he held 
out his right hand towards me. 

I haint no hypocrite, and knowin' what I knew, 
how could I be so deceitful ? I hung back and grip- 
ped holt of a breadth of my dress with my right hand. 

Says he, " I am married, Josiah Allen's wife, I was 
married a week ago to-night." 

I grasped holt of his right hand which he still held 
out, with my right hand, and says I, " you take a load 
oiFe'n my mind. Who too ?" 

Says he, " the prettiest girl in Log London where 
father lives." 

My emotions paralyzed me for nearly a quarter of a 
minute, and then says I, 

" Where is she ?" 

" To her folks'es," says he, " But she will be here 
next week." 

Betsey drew near. He looked calmly and fearlessly 
at her, but he murmured gently, " The twins will be 
a wakin' up ; I must be a goin'," and he gently 
retreated. 

The first words Betsey said to me was," Ketch hold 
of me Josiah Allen's wife, ketch hold of me, I am on 



218 BETSEY'S DISSAPOINTMENT AND WILD AGONY, 

tlie very point of swooning." 

Then I knew what Deacon Gowdey had been a tel- 
lin' her. She looked like a blue ghost, trimmed off 
with otter color, for she had on a bine parmetta dress 
all trimmed with annate colored trimmin's. She mur- 
mured in almost incoherent words, somethin' about "her 
dearest gazelle bein' a dyin', and her wantin' to be 
took off to her buryin' ground." But I knew it was 
no time for me to sliow my pity ; true fi-iendship 
demanded firmness and even sternness, and when she 
asked me wildly agin to "ketch hold of her," I says 
to her coldly, 

"Ketch holt of yourself, Betsey Bobbet." 

" My lost, my dearest gazelle is a dyin' ! my hopes 
are witherin' ! " says she, shettin' up her eyes and 
kinder staggerin' up against the wall. 

Says I in tones as cold as old Zero, or pretty nigh as 
cold as that old man, 

" Lot 'em wither." 

But I see I must come out still more plainer, or she 
would make a public circus of herself, and says I 
pushin' her into a corner, and standin' up in front of 
her, so as to shet off the audience from her face, for 
she was a cryin', and she did indeed look ghostly^ 

" Betsey Bobbet the gazelle is married, and their 
hain't no use in your follerin' on that trail no longer. 
E^ow," says I, " take your bunnet and go home, 
and collect yourself together. And" says I, gener- 
ously " I will go with you as far as the door." 



SHE SEEKS RELIEF IN POETRY. 219 

So I got her started off, as cpick, and as quiet as I 
could, and I guess there wasn't nior'n seven men and 
14 wimmen that asked me as I came back in, 

" If it was the Editer of the Augur, that Betsey 
was a cryin' about, and if I ever see such a idiot in 
my life?" 

I answered 'em in a kind of blind waj^, and it 
broke np pretty soon. 

When Josiah and me went home, as we passed Mr. 
Bobbet'ses, I looked nj) into Betsey's winder which 
fronted the road, and I see Betsey set by her table a 




BETSEY SEEKS RELIEF. 

writin'. Her lips w^ere firmly closed and she was a 
cryin', her cheeks looked holler and I knew that her 
teeth was out, so I felt that she was writin' poetry. 
I was right, for in the next weeks Gimlet these verses 



220 BETSEY DESIKE8 TO BE A GHOST. 

came out. These lines was wrote on to the top of 
'em : 

" We do not wisli to encourage the feelmg of revenge 
in our fair contributor's fair breast, but this we will 
say, that on some occasions, revenge is a noble feeling 
and almost leans over against virtue's side. And 
though we do not wish to be personal — no one could 
scorn it more than we do — but we say, and we say it 

with the kindest feelings towards him, that the E 

of the A is a villian.^^ Editor of the Gimlet. 

A Desiah. 

BY BETSEY BOBBET. 

Methinks I soon shall pass away, 
I have seen my last gazelle expiah ; 
Deah friends I do not wish to stay ; 
To be a ghost is my desiah. 
Kevenge is sweet as honey a most — 
Methinks 'twere sweet to be a ghost. 

I would not be a seraphim, 
For far a sweeter sight would be 
On bedpost sitting, twitting him, 
Of his deceit and perfide ; 
I'd rathah be a dreadful ghost, 
A sitting on a certain post. 

I can give up my heavenly claim, 
My seat upon the heavenly quiah ; 
I feel anotheh, wildch aim — 
Jo be a ghost is my desiah. 
Ah, yes ! I'd ratheh be a ghost. 
And sit upon a certain post. 

Methinks he'd coveh up his head 

And groan and rithe, and maybe swear, 

And sithe, " I wish she wasn't dead ; " 



FEAKFUL RETRIBUTION THREATENED. 221 

But still I'll keep a sittin' theah. 
As long as I remain a ghost, 
I'll bang around a certain post. 

Anotheli certain person may, 
With terror wish she hadn't had 
The wretch who made me pass away ; 
Maybe she'U wish I wasn't dead. 
In vain! for still my dreadful ghost. 
Shall glare on her from a certain post. 

To think how I my brain have racked 
On lays for him. My stomach cramp ; 
My bended form ; my broken back ; 
My blasted hopes ; my wasted lamp. 
Oh, then I long to be a ghost, 
To hang aronnd a certain post. 

My soul it pants, my crazed brain spins, 
To think how gushed my fond heart's flo?r, 
My sympathy for certain twins, 
And then to think he used me so. 
But soon ! ah soon I'll be a ghost, 
A haunting round a certain post. 




WIMMEN'S SPEAH. 



One In-iglit, beautiful day, I had got my mornin's 
work all done up, and had sot doun to double some 
carpet yarn, and Josiah sot behind the stove, blackin' 
his boots, when Betsey come in for a mornin's call. 
She hadn't sot bnt a few minutes when says she, 

" I saw you was not doun to the lecture night before 
last, Josiah Allen's wife. I was sorry that I attended 
to it, but my uncle's peo}>le where I was visitin' went, 
and so I went with tliem. But I did not like it, I do 
not believe in winmiin's havin' any rights. I think it 
is real bold and unwomanly in her to want any rights. 
I think it is not her sj^eah, as I remarked last night 
to our deali ]Mew Preacher. As we was a coming out, 
afteh the lecture, the fi'inge of my shawl ketclied on 
to one of the buttons of his vest, and he could not get 
it off — and I did not try to, I thought it was not ray 
place -so we was obleeged to walk close togatheh, 

eleah through the hall, and as I said to him, afteh I 

222 



TOO FRAGUILE TO VOTE. ^23 

had enquired if he did not find it very lonepome here, 
says I, ' It is not wimmin's speah to vote,' and savs I, 
' do you not think it is woman's nature naturally to he 
clingin' V ' I cZc,' says he, ' Heaven hioios I do.'' And 
he leaned back with such a expression of stern despaih 
on to his classic features, that I knew he felt it strona-- 
ly. And I said the truth. I do not believe winimin 
ought to vote." 

"Nor I nuther," says Josiali, "she haint got the 
rekrisite strength to vote, she is too fraguile." 

Jest at this minute the boy that draws the milk came 
along, and Josiah, says he to me, " I am in my stockin' 
feet, Samantha, can't you jest step out and help Thom- 
as Jefferson on with the can V 

Says I, " If I am too fraguile to handle a paper vote, 
Josiah Allen, I am too fraguile to lift 100 and 50 
pounds of milk.'" 

lie didn't say nothin', but he slipped on his rubbei's 
and started out, and Betsey resumed, "It is so revolt- 
in' to female delicacy to go to the poles and vote ; 
most all of the female ladies that revolve around in 
the high circles of Jonesville aristocracy agree with 
me in thinkin' it is real revoltin' to female delicacy to 
vote." 

" Female delicacy !" says I, in a austeer tone. " Is 
female delicacy a plant that withers in the shadder of 
the pole, but flourishes in every other condition only 
in the shadder of the pole ?" says I in a tone of with- 



224 



SENSITIVE AND DELICATE WIMMEN. 



erin' scorn. " Female delicacy flourishes in a ball 
room, where these sensitive creeters with dresses on 
indecently low in the neck, will waltz all night with 




FEMALE DELICACY. 



strange men's arms round their waists," says I. " You 
have as good as throwed it in my face, Betsey Bobbet, 
that I haint a modest woman, or I would be afraid to 
go and vote ; but you ketch me with a low neck dress 
on, Betsey Bobbet, and you will ketch* me on my way 
to the Asylum, and there haint a old deacon, or minis- 
ter, or presidin' Elder in the Methodist church, that 
could get me to waltz with 'em, let alone waltzin' with 
promiscuus sinners. And," says I in the deep, calm 
tone of settled principle, " if you don't believe it, bring 



WIMMEN AS A BOARD. 223 

on your old deacons and ministers, and presidin' Elders, 
and try me," 

" You are gettin' excited, Samantlia," says Josiah. 

" You jest keep blackin' your boots, Josiali Allen, 
I haint a talkin' to you. Betsey, is it any worse for a 
female woman to dress herself in a modest and Chris- 
tian manner, with a braige viel. over her face, and a 
brass mounted parasol in her hand, and walk decently 
to the pole and lay her vote on it, than to be introduced 
to a man, Avho for all you know may be a retired pi- 
rate, and have him walk uj) and hug you by the horn-, 
to the music of a fiddle and a base violin ?" 

"But if you vote you have got to go before a board 
of men, and how tryin' to delicacy that would be." 

" I went before a board of men when I joined the 
meetin' house, and when I got the j^i'eniium for my 
rag carpet, and I still live and call myself a resj^ectablc 
character, but," says I in a vain of unconcealed sarcasm 
" if these delicate ball characters are too modett to go 
in broad daylight armed with a und>rell before a ven- 
erable man scttiii' on a board, let 'em have a good old 
female l)oard t*) take thier votes." 

" Would it be lawful to have a female board?" says 
Betsey. 

" Wimmen can be boards at charity schools — poor 
little paupers, pretty hard l)oards they find 'em some 
times — and they can be boards at fairs, and hospitals, 
and penitentarys, and picnics, and African missions. 



226 



TATTIN' AND PAINTIN'. 



and would it be any worse to be a board before these 
delicate Avinimen," says I, almc)st carried away with 
enthusiasm, " I would be a board myself." 

" Yes you would make a pretty board," says Josiah, 

*' you would make quite a pile of lumber." I paid no 

attention to his sarkastic remark, and Betsey went on. 

"It would be such public business Josiah Allen's 

wife for a woman to recieve votes." 

" I dont know as it would be any more public bus- 
iness, than to sell Episcopal pin cushiens, Methodist 
I scream, or Baptist water melons, by the hour to a 

permiscuus crowd." 

But says Betsey, 'twould 
devonh too much of a fe- 
male's time, she would 
not have time to vote, 
and perform the otlier 
duties that are incura- 
bient upon her." 

Says I, " Wimmen find 
1;^ time lor thier everlas- 
v^' tin' tattin' and croshain'. 
They find plenty of time 
for thier mats, and their 
NO TIME TO VOTE. 1 1 d y s, thcir flirtations, 

fcliier feather flowers, and bead flowers, and hair flow- 
ers, and burr flowers, and oriental paintins, and Gre- 
cian paintins, and face i)aintins. They spend more 
time a frizzin' thier front hair than they Avould, to 




DRESSIN' AND FLIRTIN'. 227 

learn the whole constitution by heart ; and if they get 
a new dress they find plenty of time to cut it all up 
into strips, jest to pucker it up and set it on agin. 
They can dress up in tliier best and patrol the streets 
as regular as a watchman, and lean over the counter 
in dry good stores till they know every nail in 'em by 
heart. They find plenty of time for all this, and to 
go to all the parties they can hear of, and tlieatres and 
conserts, and shows of all kinds, and to flirt with ev- 




DKEADFUL SHORT OF TIME. 

ery man they can lay holt of, and to cover their faces 
with their fans and giggle ; but when it comes to an 



228 



READIN' UP THE LAWS. 



act as simple and short as piittin' a letter into tlie post 
office, they are dreadful short on it for time," 

But says Betsey, " The study that would be inevita- 
bie on a female in ordeli to make her vote intelligably, 
would it not be too wearing on her?" 

-No ! not a single bit ; s'posin these soft, fashionable 
wimmen should read a little about tlie nation she lives 
in, and the laws that protects her if she keeps 'em, and 
hangs and imprisons her if she breaks 'em ? I don't 




NO TIME TO STVOY LAWS. 

know but it \V(_);il(.l l)o as good lor Irji-, as to poi-e over 
novels all day long," says I ; "these very wimmen that 



HOW TO HAVE THE BIBLE READ. 229 

tliink the President's bureau is a chest of draws where 
he keeps his fine shirts, and the tariff is a Avild horse 
the senators keep to ride out on, — these very wimmen 
that can't find time to read the constitution, let 'em 
get on to the track of a love-sick hero and a swoonin' 
heroine, and they will wade through half a dozen vol- 
umes, but what they will foller 'em clear to Finis to 
see 'em married there," says I, warmin' with my sub- 
ject, " Let there be a young woman hid in a certain 
hole, guarded by 100 and 10 pirates, and a young 
man tryin' to get to her, though at present layin' 
heavily chained in a underground dungeon with his 
rival settin' on his back, what does a woman care 
for time or treasure, till she sees the pirates all killed 
off with one double revolver, and the young woman 
lifted out swoonin' but happ}'-, by the brave hero ? " 
Says I, in a deep camp meetin' voice, "If there had 
been a woman hid on the Island of Patmos, and Paul's 
letters to the churches had been love letters to her, 
there wouldn't be such a thick coat of dust on bibles 
as there is now." 

"But if wimmen doT^ut read about the laws they'll 
know as much as some other folks do. I have 
seen men votei-s," says I, and I cast a stern glance 
onto Josiah as I spoke, " whose study into na- 
tional affairs didn't wear on 'em enough to kill 'em at 
aU. I have seen voters," says I with another cuttin' 
look at him, " that didn't know as much as their wives 
10 



230 WIMMEN'S SMALL TALK. 

did." Josiah quailed a very little as I said this, and I 
continued on — " I have seen Ii-ish voters, whose intel- 
lects wasn't tiresome to carry round, and whose knowl- 
edge concernin' public affairs wasn't so good as it 
was about rum, and who would sell their votes for a 
drink of whiskey, and keep it up all day, votin' and 
drinkin' and then drinkin' and votin', and I guess 
wimmen won't do any worse." 

Betsey almost quailed before mj^ lofty glance and 
voice, but continued on cleavin' to the subject — 
" How awful and revolting it would sound to hear 
the faih and softeh sex talking about tariffs and caur- 
kusses." 

" I don't know," says I, " but I had as lives hear 
'em talk about caurkusses, as to hear 'em backbitin' 
thier neighbors and tearin' the charicters of other wim- 
men into bits, or talkin' about such little things as 
wimmen will ; why in a small place, a woman can't 
buy a calico apron without the neighborhood holdin' a 
inquest over it. Some think she ort to have it, some 
think it is extravagant in her, and some think the set 
flower on it is too young for her, and then they will 
all quarrel agin whether she ort to make it with a bib 
or not." Says I " the very reason why men's talk as 
a general thing is nobler than wimmen's, is because 
they have nobler things to think about." Says I "Bet- 
sey Bobbet, when did you ever know a passel of men 
to set down and spend a whole afternoon talkin' about 



PRINCIPALS AND ITCHIN' EARS. 231 

each other's vest, and mistrustin' such a feller painted ; 
fill a woman's mind with big, noble sized thoughts, 
and she won't talk such little back bitin' gossip as she 
does now." 

" Josiah Allen's wife," says Betsey, " I shall always 
sa}^ it is not woman's speah to vote." 

" No," says Josiah," it hain't ; wimmen would vote 
for the handsomest men, and the men that praised thier 
babys, they wouldn't stand up onto principal as men 
do, and then, how they would clog up the road 'lection 
day, tryin' to get all the news they could, wimmen 
have got such itchin' ears." 

" Itchin' ears !" says I, " principle !" says I, in low 
but awful deep tones of voice," Josiah Allen, it seems 
to me, that I wouldn't try to stand up onto principle 
agin, till the pantaloons are wore out you hired a man 
with to vote your ticket." He begun to look sheepish 
at once, and I continued in still more awful accents, 
" talk about itchin' ears, Josiah Allen ! here you have 
sot all the mornin' blackin' your boots, you have rub- 
bed them boots till you have most rubbed holes 
through 'em, jest for an excuse to set here and hear 
me and Betsey Bobbet talk. And it hain't the first 
time nuther, for I have known you Josiah Allen, when 
I have had female visitors, to leave your work and 
come in and lay on that lounge behind the stove till 
you was most sweltered, pretendin' you was readin'." 

" I wuz a readin'." says Josiah drawin' on his boots. 

" I have ketched you laughin' over a funeral ser« 



232 BETSEY'S SENTIMENTS IN VERSE. 

mon, and a President's message, what is there highla- 
rious in a funeral sermon Josiah Allen? What is 
there exhileratin' in a President's message?" 

" "Wall," says he, " I guess I'll water tlie steers." 

" I should think you had better," says I coolly, and 
after he went out, Betsey resumed, 

" Josiah Allen's wife, I still say it is not woman's 
speah to vote," and she continued, " I have got a few 
verses in my pocket, which I composed that night 
aftali I returned from the lecture, which embody into 
them the feelings of my soul concerning woman's 
speah. I went to my chamber, and let down my back 
haih, and took out my teeth, I always feel more free 
somehow, and poetic, with my hair down and my 
teeth out, and there I wrote these stanzeys, and seeing 
it is yon, I will read them to you." 

My firm and cast iron principles forbid my wishin' 
in a reckless way that I wasn't myself, and I was in 
my own house, and horspitality forbid my orderin' her 
in stern accents, not to read a word of 'em, so I sub- 
mitted, and she read as follows : 

wimmen's speah ; 

Or wliisperin's of nature to 
BETSEY BOBBET. 

Last night as I meandered out 

To meditate apart, 

Secluded in my parasol, 

Deep subjects shook my heart. 

The earth, the sivies, ihc prattling brooks, 

All thundered in my ear, 

" It is matrimony ! it is matrimony 

That is a woman's speah." 



Everything in couples. 233 

Day with a red shirred bonnet on, 

Had down for China started, 

Its yellow ribbons fluttered o'er 

Her head, as she departed ; 

She seemed to wink her eyes on me, 

As she did dissapeah ; 

And say, " It is matrimony, Betsey, 

That is a woman's speah." 

A rustic had broke down his team ; 

I mused almost in teahs, 

" How can a yoke be borne along 

By half a pair of steers ? " 

Even thus in wrath did nature speak, 

" Heah ! Betsey Bobbet, heah ! 

It is matrimony ! it is matrimony 

That is a woman's speah." 

I saw a paih of roses 

Like wedded pardners grow ; 

Sharp thorns did pave thier mortal path. 

Yet sweetly did they blow ; 

They seemed to blow these glorious words, 

Into my luilling eah ; 

" It is matrimony ! it is matrimony 

That is a woman's speah." 

Two gentle sheep upon the hills ; 

How sweet ths twain did run, 

As I meandered gently on 

And sot down on a stun ; 

They seemed to murmur sheepishly, 

" Oh Betsey Bobbet deah, 

It is matrimony ! it is matrimony 

That is a women's speah." 

Sweet was the honeysuckles breath 

Upon the ambient aih ; 

Sweet was the tendah coo of doves. 

Yet sweeter husbands aih. 

All nature's voices poured these words 

Into my ivilling eah ; 

" B. Bobbet, it is matrimony 

That is a woman's speah." 



234 WHAT SHALL WlMMEN DO ? 

" The above are my sentiments," says she, as she 
folded up tlie paper. 

" I am a married woman," says I, and I hain't got 
nothin' to say aginst marryin', especally when Jo- 
siah's back is turned, I don't believe in bein' under- 
handed. But there are a great many widows and 
unmarried wimmen in the world, what are they to do ?" 

" Let them take heed to these glorious and consol- 
ing words, 

" ' It is matrimony, it is matrimony 
That is a woman's speah.' " 

" Shet up about your speah's," says I, gettin wore 
out, " You may sing it Betsey Bobbet, and ministers 
may preach it, and writers may orate about it, that it 
is women's only speah to marry, but what are you 
goin' to do? Are you goin' to compel men to marry 
all the wimmen oif?" says I, with a penetratin' 
look onto Betsey. 

" T have seen wimmen that was willin' to marry, 
but the men wasn't forthcomin', what are they to do? 
What are the wimmen to do whose faces are as humbly 
as a plate of cold greens ? " Says I, in stern tones, 
" Are men to be pursued like stricken dears by a mad 
mol) of humbly wimmen ? Is a woman to go out into 
the street and collar a man and order him to marry 
her ? I am sick of this talk about its bein' a woman's 
only speah to marry. If it is a woman's only speah 
to marry, the Lord will provide her with a man, it 



TRUE MARRIAGE. 235 

stands to reason he will. One that will suit her too, 
one that will come jest as nateral for her to leave all 
of the rest of the world and foller, as for a sunflower 
to foller on after the sun. One that she seems to 
belong to, jest like North and South America, joined 
by nature unbeknown to them ever sense creation. 
She'll know him if she ever sees him, for their two 
hearts will suit each other jest like the two halves of 
a pair of shears. These are the marriages that Heaven 
signs the certificates of, and this marryin' for a home, 
or for fear of bein' called a old maid, is no more mai- 
riage in the sight of God, no more true marriage, 
than the blush of a fashionable woman that is bought 
for ten cents an ounce and carried home in her pocket, 
is true modesty." 

Here was a pause, durin' which Betsey quailed 
some, and I then resumed again, in the same lofty 
tones and I don't know but a little loftier, " There is 
but one thing that makes marriage pure and holy in 
the sight of God." 

" And what is that ? " says Betsey in an enquirin' 
tone. 

" Love," says I, in a full clear tone, " Love, such as 
angels feel for one another, love, such as Samantha 
Smith felt for Josiah Allen, though why I loved him. 
Heaven knows, I don't. But I couldn't help it, and 
I would have lived single till them days we read of, 
if I hadn't. Though for what reason I loved him — " I 



236 WHEN DIVORCES WILL BE SCARCE. 

continnea mewsiii'ly, and almost lost in deep retro- 
spectin'j — " I don't know. I don't believe in rehearsin' 
privacies and braggin' about siicli things, but iu the 
name of principle I speak. A richer man wanted me 
at the same time, a man that knew half as much 
agin, at least, as Josiah. I no need to have wet the 
ends of my fingers in dishwater if I had married the 
other one, but I could'nt do it, I loved Josiah, though 
why " — and agin I plunged down into deep abstraction 
as I murmured to myself, — "though why I did, I don't 
know." 

" In them days," says I, risin' up agin out of My 
revery, " In them days to come, when men and wim- 
men are independent of each other, marriage will be 
what it ought to be, for folks won't marry unless God 
unites their hearts so close they can't get 'em apart 
nohow. They won't be tackled together by any old 
rotton ropes of interest and accomidation, that are 
liable to break in to pieces any minute, and in them 
days, the hands of divorce writers won't be so lame as 
they be now." 

" I cannot comprehend" says Betsey "how wimmen's 
votin', will change the reprehensible ideah of marryin' 
for a home, or for fear of being ridiculed about, if it 
will, I cannot see." 

" Cant you see daylight Betsey Bobbet, when the 
sun is mountiu' up into the clear horizeon ?" Says I 
in a eloquent voice, " it stands to reason that a woman 



TREES AND CLINGERS. ' 237 

wont marry a man slie dont love, for a home, if she is 
capable of makin' one for herself. Where's the di§r 
grace of bein' a old maid, only wimmen are kinder de- 
pendent on men, kinder waitin' to have him ask her 
to marry him, so as to be supported by him ? Give a 
woman as many fields to work in as men have, and as 
good wages, and let it be thonght jest as respectable 
for 'em to earn thier livin' as for a man to, and that 
is enough. It riles me to hear 'em talk about wim- 
men's wantin' to wear the l)reeches ; they don't want 
to ; they like calico better than broadcloth for stiddy 
wear, they like muslin better than kersey mear for 
handsome, and they have a nateral hankerin' after the 
good opinon and admiration of the other sect, but they 
can do better without that admiration than they can 
without vittles." 

" Yes " says Betsey " men do admire to have wim- 
men clingin' to 'em, like a vine to a stately tree, and it 
is indeed a sweet view." 

" So 'tis, so 'tis," says I, I never was much of a din- 
ger myself. Still if females want to cling, I haint no 
objection. But," says I, in reasonable tones, " as I 
have said more'n a hundred times, if men think that 
wimmen are obleeged to be vines, they ought to feel 
obleeged to make trees of themselves, for 'em to run 
up on. But they wont ; some of 'em, they will not be 
trees, they seem to be sot against it. And as I have 
said what if a vine haint no tree convenient to cling 
10* 



238 WIMMEN VOTIN' DON'T SPOIL THE BAPTIST. 

to? or if she has, what if the tree she clings to hap- 
pens to fall through inherient rotteness at the core, 
thunder and lightnin' or etcetery ? If the string breaks 
what is to become of the creeper if it can't do nothin' but 
creep ? Says I, " it is all well enough for a rich woman 
to set in a velvet gown with her feet on the warm 
hoarth and wonder what makes the poor drunkard's 
wife down in the street, shiver. Let her be out once 
with her bare feet in the snow, and she'd find out. It 
liaint the rich, happy, comfortable dingers I am talk- 
in' in behalf of, but the poor shiverers outside who 
haint nothin' to cling to," 

" Women's speah " — began Betsey. 

"Women's speali," says I interuptin' her in a 
magestic tone before which Betsey quailed imper- 
ceptably. " Women's speah is where she can do the 
most sood : if God had meant that wimmen should be 
nothin' but men's shadders, He would have made 
gosts and fantoms of 'em at once. But havin' made 
'em flesh and blood, with braens and souls, I believe 

He meant 'em to be used to the best advantage. 
And the talk about wimmen havin' to fight, and men 
wash dishes, if wimmen vote, is all shear nonsense. In 
the Baptist church where wimmen vote, I dont see as 
they act diiferent from other wimmen, and I dont 
see as the Baptist men act any more sheepish than 
common men." Says I " it is jest as ridiculous to 
say it would make a woman act coarse and rampage 



A HEN WILL SCRATCH. 239 

round to vote, as to say that kissin' a pretty baby, or 
lovin' books and music and pictures, makes a man a 
hen huzzy." 

Says I, carried away with powerful emotions, " you 
may shet a lion up for years, in a room full of cambric 
needles and tattin shettles, and you cant get him to do 
anything but roar at 'em, it haint a lion's nature to do 
fine sewin," says I. " And you may tie up a old hen 
as long as you please, and you cant break her of 
wantin' to make a nest, and scratch for her chickens." 
Says I — wavin' my right hand, slow and magestically — 
"you may want a green shade onto the front side of 
your house, and to that end and effect you may plant 
a acorn, and set out a rose bush, but all the legeslaters 
in creation cant make that acorn tree blow out with 
red posy's, no more can they make that rose bush 
stand up straight as a giant. And thier bein' planted 
by the side of each other — on the same ground and 
watered out of the same waterin' jug — dont olter 
thier natural turn. They will both help shade the 
winder, but do it in their own way which is differ- 
ent. And men and wimmen votin' side by side, 
would no more alter their natural dispositions than 
singin' one of Watts'es hymns together would. One 
will sing base, and the other air, so long as the world 
stands." 

" Josiah Allen's wife," says Betsey, " I think your 
views are uronieus. "We cannot think alike about 



240 WIMMEN WON'T BE DRIVEN. 

clinging, we also difleh in our views about caurkusses. 
When I consicleh that 'lections and caurkusses come 
once every yeah, then comes home the solemn feel- 
in', how wearin' it would be for a female to drop all 
her domestic labohs and avocations, and be present at 
them. Josiah Allen's wife, let us sposen the case, 
sposen a women is a washin', or churnin' buttah, 
how could she leave this laboh to go and vote ?" I 
was so wore out, that says I, " we will sposen the 
case, sposen a women is a fool, how can she talk com- 
mon sense?" Says I, with so impatient a gesture that I 
broke oif a thread, and had to tie it on agin " you are 
goin' over the same old ground agin of a woman's 
time," says I " wimmen can drop all thier domestic 
labors and go to fares — -town fares, and county fares, 
and state fares if she can get to 'em. She will be on 
the ground in time to see the first punkin and bed- 
quilt carried on to it, and she will stay to see the last 
horse, trot his last trot ; she can find time for picnics 
and 2:)leasure exertions, and celebrations, and ith of 
July — that last, all day — and it would take about half a 
minute to vote." "But " says I, in the most grand and 
noble tone I had used yet. " Men haint took by the 
coat collar and dragged off to caurkusses and 'lections, 
they dont go unless they are a mind to, and I doiit 
suppose wimmen would be drove there like a flock, of 
sheep. They wouldn't want to go; only, when some 
great law was up concerning right and wrong, or her 



BETSEY PREFERS TO WALK. 243 

own iiitrinsick interests, as givin a mother a equal 
right to her children, a right she earnt naturally, a 
deed God himself stamped with the great seals of fear 
and agony. Or bein' taxed without representation ; 
which breaks the old constitution right into, in the 
middle, every time it is done. Or concernin' equal 
pay, for equal labor. I spose every female clerk and 
teacher and operator, who have, half starved on about 
one third what men get for doin' the same work 
would be on hand. Like wise concerning Temper- 
ance, I spose every drunkards wife and mother and 
girl would go to the pole, that could get there. Poor 
things, under the Legislator they have enjoyed the 
right of sufferin' ; sposen it lets 'em enjoy the right of 
suffragin' a spell, mebby they would find it as easy if 
not easier." 

Jest at this minute we see the new Local Preacher, 
comin' down the road in a open buggy, and Betsey 
said to once she must be goin, for her folks would 
be a worryin' after her." Says I, as she hurried to 
the door, 

" Mebby you will get a ride." 

" Oh no," says she, " I had a great deal rather walk 
afoot, I think there is nothing like walking afoot for 
strengthenin' the mussles." 

I am glad she felt so, for I see he didn't ask her to 
ride. But as she said, health is a blessing, and it is a 
treat indeed to have strong mussles. 



A TOWER TO NEW YORK DISCUSSED. 



THE siimmjM' after the Donation and Fare dawned 
peacefully and fair on Jonesville and the earth. The 
weather was pleasant, and things seemed to go on as 
Sister Wesley Minkley and I could wish them to, 
between her Whitfield, and our Tirzah Ann. Thom- 
as Jefferson every fortnight or so dressed up in his 
best and went in the direction of Lawyer Snow's. 
He said that " he went to a new protracted meetin' 
that they had jest started up that way." I don't say 
that he didn't, but I will say that they protracted 'em 
pretty late. I don't make no matches nor break none, 
but I must say that things look promisin' and agreable 
in the direction of the children. Whitfield Minkley, 
and Maggy Snow, is agreeable to me, very ; so they 
be to Josiah. 

Josiah thinks considerable of Maggy's bein' so fore- 
handed. I say myself if she hadn't but one hand in 

the line of riches, or no hand at all, she would still be 

244 



yEACE AND PLENTY. 243" 

•my choice. She is a straight-forward sensible girl — 
with no affectation, or sham about her. She reminds 
me of what Samantha Allen was, before she had 
changed her maiden name of Smith. Whether they 
are really engaged on not, I don't know, for Thomas 
J. is such a hand for fun that you can't find out any- 
thing from him no more than you could from the 
wind. But good land ! there is time enough. The 
children shan't marry anybody in one good five years 
from now, if I have my say about it. But as I told 
Josiah, I remember we was a talkin' it over last fall, 
as we sot out a new orchard — I was a holdin' the trees 
for him and says I — " Josiah it is our duty to get 
apple trees and children started in the right direction, 
and then let them take their time to grow." 

He said, " Yes, so it was." 

He feels well about it, as I say, it is agreeable to us 
both, and then Josiah's crops looked well, the crows 
took a little of his corn, but it had come on, and bid 
fair to be a first rate crop. And as for his oats and 
barley and winter wheat, they couldn't be bettered. 

The Editer of the Augur had brought home his 
bride, a good lookin' light complected woman, who 
seemed devoted to him and the two twins. They 
went to house keepin' in a bran new house, and it 
was observed that he bought a cottage bedstead 
that didn't have any posts, and life for him seemed 
blest and peaceful. 

Betsey Bobbet did not pine away and expire as 



24:6 BETSEY ALlVE BUT QUiET. 

miglit be expected by cursory readers of ber last poem 
in tbe Jonesville Gimlet. But any deep pliilosipber 
wbo bad made tbe Human Race, bis (or lier) study 
for any lengtb of time, never worrys over sucli 
efusbions, knowin' tbat affliction is like tbe measles, 
and if tbey break out freely in pimples and poetry, 
tbe patients are doin' well, 

Betsey bad been pretty quiet for ber tbrougb tbe 
winter and spring, sbe badn't made overtures only to 
two more — wbicb was a little pill doctor, and a locul 
preacber wbo bad been sent round by tbe Conference. 
As sbe I'emarked to me, " It is so natural to get 
attacbed to your minister and your pbysician." 

As I said tbe summer sun basked peacefully down 
and Jonesville almost asleep under ber rays, seemed 
tbe abode of Rej)ose. But wbere was tbere a Eden 
fenced in, but wbat Ambition let down tbe bars, or 
climbed over tbe fence. But tliis was a noble Ambi- 
tion, a Ambition I was proud to see a gettin' over tbe 
fence. It was a Ambition tbat leaped over into my 
door yard tbe very day I beard the blessed tidings, 
tbat Horace Greeley was run up for President. 

I bad ahvays respected Horace, be bad always been 
dear to me. And wben I say dear, I want it to be 
plainly understood — I insist upon it tbat it shall be un- 
derstood — tbat I mean dear, in a scriptural, and politi- 
cal sense. Never sense I united myself to Josiab Al- 
len, bas my beart swerved from tbat man so mucb as 
tbe breadth of a horse hair. But Horace's honest 



WHEREIN HORACE GRELY AND I DIFFER. 247 

pure views of life, has endeared liim to every true lov- 
er of tlie Human E-ace, Josiah Allen's wife included. 
Of course we don't tliink alike on every subject. No 
2 human bein's ever did. Horace and I dijEfer on some 
things such as biled vittles, Wimmen's Eights, and 
cream biscuit. He don't believe in biled vittles, and 
it is my favorite beverage. He is a unbeliever in sal- 
aratus, I myself don't see how he makes cream biscuit 
fit to eat without it. And he — not havin' me to influ- 
ence him — hadn't come out on to the side of wimmen's 
havin' a Right. But as a general thing, Horace Gree- 
ley was to be found onto the side of Eight. He was 
onto the side of the weak, the down trodden. He was 
always a plottin' to do some good to somebody, and I 
felt that if the eyes of his spectacles could be once open- 
ed onto this subject of wimmen's havin' a Eight, that 
he would be more help to us, than a army of banners. 
Months before he was run up for President I had felt 
this, and in the fall of 18Y1, as Josiah was a settin' by 
the fire alone, he a readin' the World and 1 a knit- 
tin' says I to him, 

" Josiah are you willin' that I should go down to 
New York village on a tower, and have a talk with 
Horace about the Human race and wimmen's havin' a 
right ? 

Josiah didn't seem to be willin', he looked up from 
the World, and muttered somethin' about " Tam- 
many's ring." 

I dont know when the old Smith blood so riled up 



248 Josun SHOWS jealousy. 

in me as it did then. I remember I riz right up 
where I set in front of the stove, and waved my right 
hand, I was so excited, and says I, 
" Josiah Allen if you have lived with me goin on 15 
years, and if you haint no more confidence in me than 
to think I would accept a ring from old Tammany, 
then I will stay to home. Says I, Josiah Allen, I never 
mistrusted till this very minute that you had a 
jealous hair in your head, says I, you have fell 35 
cents in my estimation to night, says I, you know Jo- 
siah Allen that I haint never wore no jewelrey sense 
I jined the Methodist meetin' house, and if I did, do 
you spose I -woiild accept a ring from old Tammany, 
that sneakin' old Democrat? I hate old Tammany, I 
perfectly despise the old man." 

I felt so imposed upon and worked up, that I start- 
ed right off to bed and forgot to wind up the clock, 
or shet the buttery door, for I remember the clock 
run down and the cat eat the inside out ot the 
custard pies. AVall from that time I never had 
openocl my head to Josiah about goin' off on a tower. 
But I wrote Horace a letter on the subject of Wim- 
men's Rights, as good a letter as I knew how, beggin' 
him to follow the example of J. Allen's wife, and all 
other noble reformers and put his shoulder blades to 
the wheel." 

His answer wasn't so satisfactory as I could have 
wished it was, and I knew 1 could do better to stand 



DEMOCRATS SHORT OP PKESIDENT STUFF. 249 

face to face with him. But as I say 1 dout know as I 
should ever have started up agin, if that great and 
good man hadn't been run up for Pvesident. 

Now some thought it looked shiftless in the Demo- 
crats, and kinder poverty struck in 'em, to think 
they had got all out of President stuff, and had to 
borry some of the Eepublicans. But good land ! 
where is there a housekeeper but what will once in a 
while get out of tea and have to borry a drawin' of 
her neighbors ? If good honest, smart men was skurse 
amongst 'em, if they had got kinder run out of Presi- 
dent timber, and wanted to borry a little, why it 
would have looked dreedful tight and unneighberly 
in the Republicans to have refused 'em, when they 
was well on it too for President stuff, they could 
have spared two or three jest as well as not, even if 
they never got 'em paid back. But the Democrats 
only wanted to bony one, and that was Horace. 
The Democrats thought everything of Horace because 
he put a bail onto Jeff Davis. Josiah said, at the 
time that it raised him 25 cents or more in his estima- 
tion. At the same time it madded some of the Be- 
publicans. But it didn't me. You see I believe jest 
what I think is right, and pay no attention to what 
the other folks who are standin' on my doorstep may 
happen to believe. 

Nobody that stands on my platform — let 'em stand 
as close to me as they are a mind to — not one of 'em 



250 BAILIN' JEI^F. t)AVlSw 

is answerable to God for what thoughts and principles 
are performin' in my mind and soul. Josiah Allen's 
wife hangs on to nobody's apron strings only jest her 
own . 

As far as the party on my doorstep believe what I 
think is right, I am with 'em heart and hand, but I 
am not one to shet np my eyes and walk up blindly 
and hang on to anybody's apron strings, not even 
Horace Greeley's, as anybody can see in the matter 
of biled vittles, Wimmen's Kights, and cream biscuit. 
To think you have got to believe every thing your 
party does, seems jest as unreasonable to me, as it 
would when you go out to pick greens, to pick skunk 
cabbage because cow cabbage is good and wholesome. 
Why skunk cabbage is pison, jest as pison as sikuta 
or ratsbane. Now the doctrine of free love as some 
folks preach it up, folks in both parties, why the 
smell of it is jest as obnoxious in my political and 
moral nostrals as the smell of sikuta is, and if any- 
thing smells worse than that, I don't want to go near 
it. Pick out the good and leave the bad, is my 
theme in greens and politix. 

Now about puttin' that bail onto Jeff. Davis, though 
as I say it madded my party, I was glad he put it on. 
Jeff, was a mean critter no doubt, but I don't know 
as chokin' him to death with a rope would have made 
him any better. I say this idee of chokin' folks 
to death to reform 'em, is where we show the savage 



CHARITY THE GREATEST GRACE. 251 

in us, which we have brought down from our barbarious 
ancestors. We have left off the war paint and war 
whoops, and we shall leave off the hangin' when we 
get civilized. 

Says some to me, "Look at our poor Northern 
boys that suffered and died in Libby prison and 
Andersonville through Jefferson." 

I says to 'em, " Would cliokin' Jefferson bring 'em 
back? if so I would choke him myself. — not to kill 
him of course, but so he would feel it, I can tell you'.' 

No ! it was all over, and past. All the sin, and 
all the sorrow of the war. And God had out of it 
brought a great good to the black Africans, and tho 
nation, in the way all good is generally brought, 
through sufferin' and tribulation. And if a nation 
is made perfect through sufferin' what should be the 
first lesson she should show to the world ? 

I say, it should be the lesson that Christ and his 
disciples taught, that of all Heavenly graces, charity 
is the greatest. The way I looked at it was this. 
The South that had been so braggin', and selfish, and 
overbearin', stood at the door of the proud and victo- 
rious North, like a beggar, harmless, destitute and 
ragged. Where is the rich happy woman that 
wouldn't give a nutcake to a sick beggar ? I don't 
see myself how she could help givin' one, if she had 
any generosity and nobility and — nut-cakes. 

Jeff Davis was all broke to pieces, and he wanted a 



252 A STRONG TEAM. 

bail put onto liini so life could grip holt of him agin, 
and cany him I hope towards that heaven he turned 
his back to, when he was a fightin' to uphold slavery. 
Horace helped put that bail on, and so did other noble 
men ; and all the ministers in creation, of every per- 
suasion, might all stand up in a row in our door yard, 
and preach to me 2 days, and then I wouldn't believe 
that II. G. would turn his hand to anything he 
thought was wrong. 

If there was any fault in him about this, it was on 
the side of charity and mercy, and as a general thing 
that end of the board don't tip up any too fur in this 
selfish world. As a general thing, folks don't teter on 
that end of the board so much as they do on the other. 
So, as I said, when I heard that Horace was run up 
for President, I was so happy that my heart would 
have sung for joy if it had been anything of a singer, 
for now, thinks'es I, with that great and good and 
honest man for President, all he wants is the influence 
of Josiah Allen's wife to make him all the sufferin' 
nation needs. I felt that now the time had come for 
J. Allen's wife to come out boldly and put her shoul- 
der blades to the wheel. I felt that if Horace could 
be perswaded to draw and Josiah Allen's wife to push, 
nothin' could bender that wheel from movin' right 
onward into Freedom. And so my principles, and 
the great doctrine so goared me, that I couldn't get 
no rest, I felt that I must see Horace before he got sot 



EFFECTS OF DISSAPPOINTMENT. 253 

doun in the high chair, because you know when any 
body gets sot doun tliey don't love to nestle i*ound and 
make no changes. So I atted Josiali about it, but he 
didn't seem to be willin'. I didn't come right out and 
tell him how I was xcercised on Wimmin's Rights, 
knowin' he was a unbeliever, but I says to him, 

" Josiah, Jonesville is a good village, but nobody 
wants to be tied doun even to a barell of sale molasses. 
Josiah, I do want to see some other village, I do want 
to go to New York on a tower." 

Says he, " Samantha, what under the sun do you 
want to go for at your age, why do you want to start 
up and go a caperin' round the countiy ?" 

I thought a minute, and then says I, " I want to see 
Miss Woodhull, and give her a real talkin' to, about 
free love. I want to convince her she is in the wrong 
on it," and then says I in a kind of a blind way, " I 
have got other business that I feel that it is my duty 
to tend to," 

But he didn't seem to be willin', and I wouldn't go 
without his consent. And so it went on, Josiah hang- 
in' back, and my principles a goarin' me. It wore on 
me. My dresses begun to hook up looser on me, and 
finally one mornin', as I dallied over my second pota 
toe, and my third egg, not eatin' 'em with no appetite, 
Josiah says to me, " What does ail you, Samantha, you 
don't eat nothin', and you seem to be a runnin' doun." 

Then I broached the subject to him agin. I expected 



254 MAKING PREPARATIONS FOR THE TOUR. 

lie would object. But he looked at iiie in a silent, 
melankollj way for about one minute, and half or three 
quarters of another, and then says he in a gentle but 
firm accent, 

'' Samantha if I can sell the old critter you can 
go." 

So I was left in uncertainty (as it were) for I knew 
he wouldn't sell it for less than the price he had sot 
it, and no knowin' whether it would fetch it or not. 
But I felt in my heart a feelin' that I should go off on 
that tower. And so I gradually but silently began 
makin' preperations, I quietly and calmly took two 
breadths out of my brown alapaca dress and goared 
'em and put a overskirt on to it, for I was determined 
not to go to New York village witlioiit a overskirt on 
to me. Not that I care about such triflin' things my- 
self, but I felt that I was representin' a grent cause, 
and I wasn't goin' to put our cause to open shame by 
not havin' on a overskirt. Men sometimes say that 
great and strong minded wimmen are slack in the 
matter of dressin' up, I was determined to show 'em 
thai chat weakness wasn't mine. I wasn't goin' to be 
all tattered out, with ends and tag locks of bows and 
pleatius, and tow curls and frizzles, but I felt there 
was a megium course to pursue, and I was deter- 
mined to hit against it. 

Then agin I felt that the color of my dress suited 
the great cause. I wasn't goin' rigged out in pink 



A BECOMING DRESS AND OVERSKIRT. 265 

muslin, or skj-biiie cambric, or anything of that sort. 
A good solid sensible brown seemed to be jest the 
thing. Black would have seemed too much in the 
mournin' line, as if we was despondent when we 
wasn't. White book muslin would have looked as if 
my principles was too thin, and I was too light and 
triflin', and didn't realize the great issues dependent 
on to me. Ko ; brown alapaca with a overskirt I felt 
was jest what the anxious nation required of me, as 
I stood face to face with the future President of the 
United States — with my spectacles calmly gazia' into 
his'eu, a influencin' him in the cause of Right. 

Another reason, I wont deny, influenced me in try- 
in' to get a good pattern for my overskiiit so as to 
have it set good. (I got it of Miss Gowdey and made 
it a little bigger round the waist,) I thought more'n 
likely as not Horace's and my picture would be took, 
and in the future would be hung up by the side of 
that good honest old Lincoln's Emancipation Procla- 
mation. 

"Josiah Allen's wife influencin' Horace in the 
Great Cause of "Wimmen's Rights." ■ 

And though I haint vain, I thought how poor it 
would be, and what a eye sore to the nation if my 
dress didn't hang good. And how pleasin' it wonild 
be both to America and Josiah, to see me dressed in 
a noble and becomin' way. So I finished my over- 
skirt, and silently done up my best petticoat, and in 
11 



256 JOSIAH SELLS THE CRITTER. 

the same mysterious manner I put some tape trim- 
min' on to the bottom of it. 

And so the long and tegus days passed away from 
me. I felt that suspense was a wearin' on me. Jo- 
siah see that it was. And on Saturday niornin' I see 
him pensively leanin' over the barn yard fence, mews 
in' as it was, and pretty soon he hitched up the old 
mare, and went to Jonesville, and when he came back 
he says to me, in sorrowful tones but some composed. 

"Samantha, you can start to-morrow if you want 
to, I have sold the old critter." 

And then he added pensively, " I wish you would 
have a few griddle cakes for supper, with some maplo 
molasses on to 'em." 




GOVERNED BY PRINCIPLES. 



OT^ the next Monday mornin', I let loose to my feel- 
ins as it was, and begun to make open preparations. 
I baked up the best vittles the house afforded, for I 
determined Josiah should live like a king durin' his 
temporary widowerhood. Then after I got through 
bakin' and got the house clean as a pin, I commenced 
to fix a dress to wear on the journey, for of course I 
wasn't goin' to wear my best dress with a overskirt on 
the railway. I am a master hand for bein' careful of 
toy clothes, and I knew it would almost spile one of 
my best dresses, but I had a calico dress as good as 
new. It was a dark blue ground work with a hand- 
some sprig on it, and after I took up two tacks in it, I 
felt that it was jest the thing to wear on the tower. 

I had jest put it on, and had got the lookin' glass 
onto the floor to see if it cleared the floor enough, when 
Thomas Jefferson come in, and says he, 

" Your dress is too short, mother, I hate to see short 

dresses, they look so hihorsical." 

257 



258 THOMAS J. CRITICISES MY DRESS. 

I answered liim with dignity as I looked over my 
slioulder into tlie glass, 

" Samantha Allen, whose maiden name was Smith, 
haint a goin' to mop out the cars for the railroad com- 
pany, free gratis for nothin," and I added with still 
more impressive dignity, as I hung up the lookin' 
glass, " what you mean by hihorsical I don't know." 

He said it was a compound word derived from the 
Greek, " high," to intoxicate, and " horsical," a race 
horse, which two words strained off from the dead lan- 
guage and biled doun into English meant " hihorsical." 

I told him " I didn't care for his Greek, I didn't care 
if it was dead, not a mite, I shouldn't cry over it," and 
I told him further, fixin' my gray eyes upon him se- 
renely, " that there was two or three words that wasn't 
dead, that he would do well to strain off, and bile doun, 
and take 'em for a stiddy drink." 

He wanted to know what they was, and I told him 
plainly they was "Mind your own business." 

He said he would bile 'em doun, and take 'em stid- 
dy as a clock, and pretty soon he started off for Jones- 
ville— he had staid to home that day to help his father. 
And I went on with a serene face a makin' my prepa- 
rations. Josiah didn't hardly take his eyes off of my 
face, as I made 'em. He sot in a dejected way, a 
claspin' the "World in his two hands, with a sad look 
onto his face. He hated to think of my leavin' him, 
and goin' off on a tower. I see he did, and I says to 
him in a real affectionate tone. 



A VISIT TO JONESVILLE. 259 

" Josiah, liaint there notliin' I can do for you in 
New York, liaint you got any errands to the village ?" 

He rubbed his bald head in deep thought for a min- 
ute or two, and then says he, (he thinks everything of 
the World,) " The nigger barber's wife to Jonesvillc 
came pretty near runnin' away with another nigger 
last night ; if you have time I should love to have you 
go to the Editer of the World and tell him of it. I 
am afraid," says he, and a gloomy, anxious look over- 
spread his eye-brow, " I am afraid he liaint heard of 
it." 

I answered him in a soothin' tone, " That I guessed 
he had heard of it before now, I guessed it would be 
in the next week's World," and Josiah kinder chirked 
up and went out to work. 

The next day I took ten pounds of butter, and 4 
dozen of eggs and Josiah carried me to Jonesville to 
trade 'em out, to get necessarys for me to wear on my 
tower. I didn't begrech layin' out so much expense, 
neither did Josiah, for we both knew that as I was 
gettin' pretty well along in years, it wasn't likely I 
should ever go olf on a tower agin. And then I had 
been prudent and equinomical all my days, and it 
wasn't no more than right that I should launch out 
now in a liberal way. 

But all the time I was workin' over that butter, 
and all the time I was countin' out them eggs, 
Horace was in my mind. Hangin' such hopes on 



200 JOSIAH'S WHITE HAT. 

him as I liung, I felt that 1 must do somethin' openly, 
to give vent to my patriotic feelin's in regard to him. 

I never had wore hats, for I felt that I was too old 
to wear 'em. But now as I was startin' off to Jones- 
ville to get necessarys to wear on my mission to that 
great and good Horace, I felt that principle called 
on me to come out openly, and wear a white hat with 
a feather. And I felt that Josiah as the husband of 
Josiah Allen's wife, and the carrier of her to get 
them necessarys, must also wear one. 

The father of Josiah, had left to him with other 
clothin', a large white fur hat. As the old gentleman 
hadn't wore it for some 40 or 50 years prior to 
and before his desease, ( he died when Thomas J. was 
a baby) it wasn't in the hight of fashion. But says I, 
" Josiah Allen in the name of Horace and princij)le 
will you wear that hat ? " 

Says he, " I hate to like a dog, for they will think I 
have stole the Baptist steeple, and am wearin' it for 
a hat." But seein' my sad dissapointed look, says he, 
" If you say so Samantha, I will wear it for once." 

Says I Avith dignity, " It is not your wife, formally 
Samantha Smith, that says so, it is principle." 

" Wall ! " says he " fetch it on." Josiah was awful 
clever to me, I guess it is natural for all men to 
conduct themselves cleverer when they are about to 
lose their pardners for a spell. 

The hat was Mg. I couldn't deny it. And Josiah 



A WHITE HAT FOR MYSELF. 261 

bein' small, with no hair to fill it up, as I lifted it up 
with both hands and set it onto him, his head went 
right up into it the brim takin' him right across the 
bottom of his nose. 

Says he, out from under the hat, " There hain't no 
use a talkin' Samantha, I can't never drive the old 
mare to Jonesville in this condition, blind as a bat." 

But I explained it to him, that by windin' a piller- 
case, or somethin' round the top of his head, the hat 
would fit on, jest as you would fix a small cork into 
a big bottle. 

So that bein' arrainged, my next thought was for 
my own hat, and I thought mournfully as I examined 
it, mine would be as much too small as his was too 
big ; it was an old one of Tirzah Ann's, it was pure 
white, but it was small for A^r, and nobody could 
have got me even to have tried it onto my head, for 
love or money. But in such a nature as J. Allen's 
wife's, principle is all in all. 

And as I looked in the glass and see how awfully I 
looked in it, a feelin' of grandeur— self sacrificin' no- 
bility and patrotism swelled up in me, and made my 
fece look redder than ever, I am naturally very fresh 
colored. And I felt that for the sake of Horace and 
principle, I could endure the burnin' sun, and mebby 
the scoffs and sneers of Jonesville, they bein' most all 
on the side of Grant. I took a old white silk bunnet 
liuin' of mine, and put a new bindin' round the edge, 



262 WE SHOW OUR COLORS. 

it bein' formally bound wdtli pink. And then aftei^ 
readin' a cliapter in Foxes Book of Martjrs — a soul 
stirrin' chapter, concernin' them that was biled in oil 
and baked on gridirons for principle — I sallied out to 
get a feather to put onto it. 

We hadn't no white feathers by us, and I shouldn't 
have felt like runnin' Jbsiah into any extra expense 
to buy one, if there had been a feather store in the door 
yard. But our old rooster " Hail the Day," as Thomas 
Jefferson calls him, had the most curlin'est, and foam- 
in'est tail feathers you ever see, white as snow. And 
inspired by the most pure and noble and lofty senti- 
ments that can animate the human breast, I chased up 
that old rooster for nigh oilto half an hour. At last I 
cornered him behind the barn, and as I held him tight 
to my breast, and pulled out by main strength two 
long slim feathers, that quirled and waved in a invitin' 
manner, I says to him, 

" This is hard for you, old Hajl the Day. But you 
are not the rooster I take you to be, you are not like 
your mistress, if you are not willin' to suffer in the 
cause of Right." 

He flopped his wings, when I let him go, and crow- 
ed nobly. I fixed the feathers in and we set out. But 
I was more scairt than hurt in the line of scoffs. As 
we went into Jonesville not a scoff did I see — not a 
single scoff. No ! they all smiled as they looked at us, 
they see the power of principle, and they was proud 
of w^ Spme of ' em laughed, they adm ired us so* 



ON THE FENCE. 265 

We drove up to the store and I went in with my 
butter and eggs, Josiah havin' business to the black- 
smitlis. The clerk looked at me, and he smiled, and 
says he, 

" T see you are for Horace Greeley." He almost 
snickered but he checked himself, looked meachin, as 
he see my keen gray eye fixed onto his hat which he 
had on, it was a kind of a mice coler, no principle shone 
on it of any kind. 

" Yes ," says I, " I am for Horace" and agin I look- 
ed keenly and searchin'ly at that hat, and says I "Be 
you on either side or be you on the fence ?" 

" Wall " says he " I am kinder on the fence at the 
present time. But I didn't get up there because I 
am a coward, I got up there through policy ; when 
you are on the fence, you haint a steppin' on the feet 
of either party, it is a safe place, and it is a sightly 
place, you can see better than you can on the ground." 

" When do you calculate to get off?" says I. 

" Oh right after 'lection," says he. " I shall get off 
on the side that beats." 

I see here was a chance for me to do good and says I, 

" Young man, ridin' a fence never carried any man 
or woman into nobility or honor," says I, " you may 
saddle and bridle a fence with all the velvet cushioned 
caution, and silver mounted excuses, and shinin' policy 
you are a mind to, but you never could get Josiah Al- 
len's wife on to it, she had ruther walk afoot," says I, 
11* 



266 BETSEY DISCOVERS A COINCIDENCK 

" tliem brave warriors that go canterin' done life's bat- 
tle field, leadin' on tlie forlorn hope in the cause of 
night, don't go ridin' a fence." 

He looked stricken, and I asked him in a milder 
tone to look at his green braige for viels. He took off 
that hat and threw it donn behind the counter, and 
brought out the braige, and I bought right there on 
the spot a yard and a quarter of it. I tlien bought a 
pair of new cotton gloves, a good sized umbrella, a pair 
of morocco shoes, a pair of pink elastic garters, and 
two as good stockins as Jonesville afforded, and butter 
would pay for. I haint one to flounce the outside of 
the platter, and let the inside go bony and ragged. I 
haint no opinion of wolves on the outside, and sheep 
on the inside, I want to be sheep clear to the bone, in 
dress as well as principle. Wall, who should come in- 
to the store, jest <4S I was examinin' the green braige 
through my spectacles, but Betsey Bobbet. My pur- 
chases lay all round me on the counter, and says she, 

" Josiah Allen's wife, what means this extravagant 
outlay of expendature ?" 

Says I, as coolly as if I went there every mornin' be- 
fore breakftist, 

" I am goin' to New York village on a tower." 

She fairly screamed out, " What a coincidence !" 

Says I calmly, " It haint no such thing, it is green 
braige for a viel. It is 75 cents a yard." 

" You do not understand me, Josiah Allen's wife," 



BETSEY IS CALLED BY DUTY TO NEW YORK. 267 

says she. " I mean that it is so singulah and coincid- 
ing that I am goin' theah too. Cousin Melindy, she 
that married Ebenezah Williams, is just goin' with 
the consumption. And I felt that duty was a drawin' 
of me theah. As 1 told motheh, in case of anything's 
happenin', in case that Melindy should expiah, how 
sweet and soothin' it would be to Ebenezah to have 
somebody theah, that could feel for him. It would 
about kill Ebinezah to lose Melindy, and I feel that 
it would be so sweet and comfortin' for him to have 
somebody on hand to lean on ;" she smiled sweetly as 
she continued, " lAiere is almost a certainty that Me- 
lindy is about to be took from our aching hearts. But 
I fall back on the scripture, and on my duty, and try 
to feel as if I could give her up. When do you 
start ?" 

" Thursday mornin'," says I in a tone as cold as a 
grindstone in January, for I see what was before me. 

She clasped her two hands and smiled on me two 
times, and cried out agin, " Oh, what anotheh coinci- 
dence ! jest the day I was intending to embark. Oh," 
says she, " how sweet it will be for you to have a con- 
genial companion on the way, as the poet Robinson 
Selkirk sweetly singeth, 

' Oh solitude, where are the charms 
Mr. Sage hath seen in thy face ?' 

Don't you say so, Josiah Allen's wife?" 

" I respect Mr. Sage," says I, " he is a man I admire^ 



208 AT THE DEPOTT. 

and Mr. Selkirk don't know beans," and I added ki 
frigid tones, " when thje bag is untied." I see that 
my emotions was a gettin' the better of me, I see my 
principals was a totterin'. I recollected that I was a 
member of the Methodist meetin' house, and the woi'ds 
of a him come back to me, with a slight change in 'em 
to suit the occasion. 

" Shall I be carried to New York, 
On floury bags of ease ?" 

I turned and shouldered my cross. 

" Betsey we will set sail together Thursday morn^ 
in'." I then turned silently and left the store, for I 
felt than any further effort would have been too much 
for me. 

Thursday mornin' found me to the depott in good 
season. Betsey also was on time. I didn't feel 
haughty nor at all proud, but still I felt that I was a 
independent householder startin' to New York vil- 
lage on a tower at my own expense. I see that all 
the car folks felt friendly towards me for thier was 
a pleasant smile on their faces every time they 
looked at me and Betsey. 

I wasn't trimmed off so much as Betsey, but 
I looked well. I had on that good calico dress, a 
large black silk mantilly, a good shirred silk bunnet 
large enough to shade my face some, my bran new 
cotton gloves, my veil and my umbrell. 

Betsey, I always thouglit put on too much to look 
well, howsomever everybody to their own mind. 



BETSEY EXPLAINS. 269 

She had on a pale blue parmetta dress, with flounces 
and puckers onto it, a overskirt and a greek bender of 
the same, trimmed with checkered delain, cut on a 
biasiu,' a close fittin' bask of the delain, which was 
pink and yellow plaid and which was pinked out on 
the edge with a machine. She had on a white bobbi- 
net lace hat, jest big enough to cover her bump of 
self-esteem, trimmed with red and yellow roses and 
long ends of otter colored ribbon and white lace, then 
she had long cornelian ear rings, a string of beads 
round her neck, and a locket and a big blue breast 
pin and a cornelian cross. A pair of new white cotton 
gloves, trimmed with two rows of broad white cotton 
edgin' five cents a yard — for I seen her buy it — and 
two horsehair bracelets. And with her new teeth 
and her long bran new tow curls, and waterfalls and 
frizzles all full of otter colored rosettes, I tell you she 
looked gay. 

She says to me as she met my keen gaze. 

" I don't know but what you think I am foolish 
Josiah Allen's wife, in enrobing myself in my best a 
coming on the road. But these are my sentiments. 
I knew we should get theah before night, and I 
should proceed at once to Ebinezah's, and if anything 
should be a happening, if it should be the house of 
mourning, I thought it would be so comforting to 
Ebinezah, to see me looking beautiful and cheerful. 
Tou know theah is everything in first impressions, 



S70 A SATISFYIN' THOUGHT. 

"I mean of com-se," she added hastily, that I am 
that sorry for poor lonely widdowers and especially 
Ebinezah, that if I could be a comfort to them, I 
would be willing to sacrifice a tablespoonful of my 
heart's best blood, much moah this blue parmetta 
dress. These are my sentiments Josiah Allen's 
wife." 

Says I " coldly, I should know they was yours Bet- 
sey, I should know they was yours, if I should meet 
'em in my porridge dish." 

But the time drew near for the cars to bear me 
away from Josiah, and I began to feel bad. 

I dont believe in husbands and wives partin' away 
from each other, one livin' in Europe, and one in 
New York village, one in Wall street, and the other 
on a Long Branch, one in Boston, and the other in 
North America. As the poet truly observes, 

"When the cat is away the mice's will go to 
playin'." 

As for me, I want my husband Josiah where I can 
lay my hand on him any time, day or night, I know 
then what he is about. Though so far as jealousy is 
concerned, Bunker Hill monument, and Plymouth 
Kock would be jest as likely to go to flirtin' and cut- 
tin' up, as either of us. We have almost cast iron 
confi.dence in eaeh other. But still it is a sweet 
and satisfyin' thought to know jest where your con* 
sort is, and what he is about, from hour to hour. 



THE FIRST PARTING IN 15 YEARS 271 

Josiali and me didn't shod no tears as we each of 
us parted, though our hearts ached with anguish we 
both of us felt it our duty to be cahn. I felt a tear 
risin' to my eye, but with a almost fearful effort I 
choked it back and said in low accents as we 
grasped holt of each others hands at partin', 

" Good by, Josiah, remember to feed the hens, and 
keep the suller door shet up." 

He too struggled nobly for composure and con^ 
quered, and in a voice of marble calm be said, 

" Good by Samantha, dont spend no more money 
than is necessary." 

The Ingin hitched to the front car give a wild yell, 
as if he felt our two woes — Josiah's and mine — and we 
parted for the first time in goin' on 15 years. 

As I sunk back on the wooden bottomed car seat, 
perfectly onraanned by my efforts at commandin' 
myself, for the first time I felt regret at my wild 
and perilous undertakin'. 




MEETING GRANT AND COLFAX. 



WE liad to change cars about noon, as we went into 
tlie depot to get our tickets, the ticket man looked 
so kinder lonesome stuck in there alone, for all the 
world as if he had done somethin' and his mother 
had shet him up, that I thought I would make a little 
talk with him. 

He favored Celestine Wilkins'es husband consider- 
able, jest such a meachin' lookin' feller, and I knew 
Celestine's husband had a brother down this way 
somewhere, and so to kinder open a conversation with 
him, I asked him " If he ever had any relation that 
married a girl by the name of Gowdey ? " 

You ought to have heard lit)w that feller snapped 
me up — ^he couldn't have answered me any shorter, 
if I had asked him to run away with me. 

But thinks'es I to myself, he has got morbid 

through lonesomness. I pitied him shet up alone 

there, and so in a few minutes I begun agin. 

" I didn't know but he was your brother, he has 
272 



SEVERAL FOLKS I MEET WITH. 2T3 

a good deal such a meachin' look to him," and says I, 
" The country round here hain't so pleasant as Jones- 
ville, do you think it is sir ? " 
" He 4idn't know or care nothin' about Jonesville," 

His tone was sharper than that sword aged two, 
that the bible tells of. 

Says I, "Young man you needn't take my head 
quite off, if you never did see Jonesville nor had any 
other advantages. I hain't to blame for it." And 
thinks'es I to myself, you may be lonesome for all of 
me, you may die of lonesomness for all I care, I 
shan't try to make any more talk with you to make 
your time pass off easier. 

We got on to the cars agin and got a good seat. I 
wanted to set by an open winder, and Betsey didn't. 
1 mistrust she thought the wind would take the kink 
out of her frizzles, and so she went on a seat or 2 
ahead of me. There was a lot of fashionable lookin' 
folks came in too, and one of 'em came along and set 
right down in the seat with me, the cars bein' pretty 
full. She was dressed up like a doll, but she didn't 
act stuck up a mite, my opinion is, she knew what 
belonged to good manners, and I offered her some 
caraway, for I liked her looks. She took it and 
thanked me for it, and says I to make talk with her, 

" Are you goin' far on the cars ? " 

She said, " She wasn't goin' far on this route, she 
was goin' to a waterin' place." 

" How far ? " says I. 



27-4 TRAVELIN' FOR WATER. 

" Oh 2 or 300 miles," says she. 

" Good land ! " says I, " Can't you find any water 
nearer hnm ? Why," says I, " I should think you 
would be choked before you got there." Says I, 
" Our cistern and well sometimes gives out in hot 
weather, but Josiah always draws water from the 
creek," why says I, full of pity for her, " If I hadn't 
any water to the house, and nobody to draw it for me 
I should rather drive myself to the creek and water 
myself 3 times a day, than to start off on the cars so 
far after it, Howsumever every body to their own 
mind." 

She kinder laughed with her eyes, and, said some- 
thin' about " seasides " and " sea bathin' " or somethin' 
and I felt it was my duty to say to her, 

" You needn't go 300 miles for that, you can get 
good seasides to Jonesville for 75 cents. Tirzah Aim, 
Josiah's girl by his first wife, got one for that. I don't 
wear hats myself, except," sa^'^s I with dignity, "in 
the cause of Right and for the good of the Human 
Race. And as for seein' bathin', I myself would go 
the other way, ruther than foller it up ; howsumever 
everybody to thier own taste." But I kep' thinkin' 
of it, and I couldn't help breakin' out agin, and speak- 
in' my mind ; says I, in a good deal colder accents, " I 
would as soon go to a horse race — and sooner," for the 
more I thought of it the more I thought that no vir- 
tuous woman would start off 300 miles to see bathin' 



A CIGAR WITHOUT SMOKE. 275 

goin' on. I acted offish after that, and was sorry I had 
give her the caraway. 

Her face looked red, and slie started np and went 
back and sot doun by some of her mates, and I was 
glad she did. She pretended to be a langliin', and 
she was talkin' to 'em awful busy ; but I see one eye 
was on me the most of the time — she felt guilty. 

At the very next station house two fellers come in 
that everybody seemed to be lookin' at, and pay in' at- 
tention to. But they didn't seem to mind it. They 
come in and sot doun right in the seat between me 
and Betsey. 

After they had sot doun, one of 'em took a cigar out 
of his pocket, and put it in his mouth. It wasn't lit, 
but he held it between his teeth as if it was a great 
comfort to him. Thinks'es I, it is kinder queer works, 
l)ut I can stand it if the R. R. Company can. But 
Betsey leaned her head back, and says to him, 

" Was you aware, kind sir, that cigars was confiscat- 
ed on the cars?" 

He didn't say a word, but held on to it with liis 
teeth as if it was dreadful comfortin' to him. And 
she asked him over again. But not a word did he 
say. I guess she asked him five times — but not a 
word did she get out of him. And then she turned to 
tlie feller with him, the smilin' chap, and says she, 

" Is your companion a deaf male ?" 

He smiled. Agin she asked him, 

" Is your pardner deprived of his ealis ?" 



276 THE SMILIN' STRANGER. 

" Oh i\o," says lie, " lie lias got ears," and agin lie 
smiled. 

Tliinks'es I, it is pretty queer works, but it is none 
of my business. I guess we had rode nigh on to an 
hour in jest that way, Betsey kinder oneasy and nest- 
lin' round, I calm and placid in demeauiour and 
one of the men between us a holdin' that cigar in his 
moutli, as if it was indeed consolin', and the other one 
a smilin' blandly, at nothin' in particular. Everybody 
in the cars seemed to be a lookin' at 'em, and thinks'es 
I, it is no wonder, for of all the good natured lookiir 
men I ever see, he is the cap sheaf. Thinks'es I, I 
wish every ticket agent in the world could have his 
benine face to hang up before 'em, for a sampler, for 
if there was ever a race that had the appearance of 
bein' brought up on vinegar and ten-penny nails, it ia 
them. 

After a while, I got kinder hungry. My basket 
hung right up over them two men, and I rose up, and 
went to reach up for it, when the smilin' chap got up 
a smilin' and says he to me, " Can't I assist you, mad- 
am ?" and he reached up smilin' as sweet as a rose, to 
take it doun, when all of a sudden the handle slipped 
out at one end, and doun come the contents right on 
to his face, One nut cake, a long, slim one, sot up 
straight on his nose, as handsome as you ever see a 
circus man ride a \^llite horse. But most mournful of 
all, I had some bilcd eggs, and unbeknown to me, Tir- 
zah Ann had took 'em out too quick, before they was 



A BAD USE OF EGGS. 279 

much more than warmed through, aud they broke on- 
to his face and all run doun into his whiskers. But if 
you will believe it, that blessed man smiled. 

Thinks'is I to myself, " Good land ! was there ever 
such a clever critter on earths" I handed him a 
clean towel, and told him I was sorry. But he 
smiled, and said, " it wasn't any matter," and wiped 
his sweetly smilin' face, and handed the towel back 
smilin'." 

The other feller never said a word, though one of 
the eggs broke onto the legs of his white pantaloons. 
Jest at this crisis, a tall man with M^hiskers came up, 
and said somethin, to 'em, and they got up and went 
to the other end of the car, where there was a lot 
of smart lookin' men. As they went by me the 
clever feller slipped on a piece of orange peel, and a 
most fell. But if you will believe it, the critter 
smiled. 

I see that all of them smart lookin' men acted 
dreadful reverential towards the two, and I says to a 
bystander behind me, 

" Can you tell me sir w^lio that clever critter is, and 
the other one ? Says he, " That is Skyler Colfax, and 
General Grant." 

I rose right up in my seat, for at the mention of 
them two honored names, such emotions rushed onto 
me — that it drownded out fear, and all the shrinkin' 
bashfuiness of my sect, and I forgot in that wrapped 
moment that I wasn't Josiah, and I advanced right 



280 GRANT AND COLFAX. 

onwards towards them two noble men. Every man 
round 'em see the lofty expression onto my face, and 
kinder fell back, and I walked riglit up and grij^ped 
Skylers'es hand with one of mine, while I held my 
umbrell in the other tremblin' with emotion. 

" Skyler, I am glad Tirzah Ann took 'em out too 
quick." 

He didn't know what I meant, but that blessed man 
smiled, and agin I spoke in the same tremblin' tones. 

" I am glad they was rare done." 

Agin he smiled, and agin I spoke, and I mastered 
my feelin's, with a effort, and spoke out loud and clear, 

" The hen that laid them eggs, never shall do anoth- 
er day's work as long as my name is Josiah Allen's 
wife. I know jest which one laid 'em, for old speckle 
face's eggs are so big that we always keep 'em for our 
own nse." Says I, " it makes me proud and hapj)y 
to think I am the owner of that hen, for if it hadn't 
been for them egg», I never should have felt so well 
acquainted with you. If it hadn't been for them eggs 
that broke onto your good and honored face, I never 
should have had the privilege of graspin' holt of your 
hand and sayin' to yon what I now say, that though 
goodness and patience and faithfulness may be made 
light of by some, they are jest what is goin' to carry 
Uncle Sam triumphant onward, with a smilin' face, 
when the egg shells of uncivil war break on his hon- 
est face, and thier yelks run down into his whiskers." 

Here my feelin's almost overcame me agin, and as 



"ULYSSES, HOW DO YOU DO?" 281 

he smiled at me, and spoke kinder pleasant to me — and 
smiled agin, I turned silently away and grasped holt 
of General Grant'ses hand, and says I, in still more 
chokin' accents — 

" Ulysses this is a proud day for Josiali Allen's wife," 
says I, " Ulysses how do you do ?" 

He didn't say nothin' but nodded kinder pleasant 
to me, and I says in the same almost tremblin tones 
for I knew he thought every thing of his relations. 
" How is Mr, Dents'es folks, are they all enjoying good 
health ?" He nodded agin kinder pleasant but didn't 
say a word, and I proceeded on — 

"Ulysses you have freed the land from war and 
bloodshed. Wherever the smoke of that peaceful cigar 
has smoked, it has drove before it the blood red cloud 
of war and treason." But says I, " that haint the main 
reason why I thought you ought to be President, and 
so I have told Josiali. I have said to Josiah more'n a 
hundred times that any man or woman ought to be 
President that knew enough not to talk when they 
hadn't nothin' to say. But — " says I, for eveii in that 
wrapped moment stern principle was the guide of J. 
Allen's wife — "That was when you was run up for Pres- 
ident the first time ; I go now for Horace Greeley, and 
so does Josiah." 

There haint nothin' little and envious about Ulysses 
Grant, he didn't act mad a mite, he nodded to me 
agin as friendly as ever, and after invitin' them both 



2.82 EFFECT ON BETSEY. 

in tlic name of Josiali, to make it thier home with us 
whenever they come to Jonesville, and sendin' my 
best respects to Julia and Mr. Dents'es folks, and Sky- 
lers'cs wife Elliner, I retired to my seat and sot down. 

When Betsey discovered who I had been talkin' 
with, she looked wild at the thought, but it didn't 
rouse in her, the spontanious emotions of patrotism it 
did in me. If a barell has been filled up with rain 
water, you can't expect to tap it and have it run strong 
beer. When any sudden circumstance taps folks'es 
minds, they will run out of 'em jest what they have 
l)een filled with, no more, no less. My mind was that 
filled with noble emotions of admiration and patrot- 
ism, that I entirely forgot for the minute that I was 
J. Allen's wife from Jonesville, But Betsey all the 
while remembered B. Bobbet, she also remembered 
her poetry. I don't believe a few earthquakes could 
make her forget that, her first words was after she 
recovered herself, 

" I will make General Grant, that deah, sweet man, 
a present. Everybody does, that wants to get onto 
the right side of him. I will give him a piece of my 
poetry. If I remember rightly I have got one in my 
satchel bag, all printed out, with a running vine 
around the edges. There is 45 verses of it, and it 
is on the war. How fortunate that I brought it 
along," And as she dove her hands into her satchel 
bag, she continued dreamily, 

" Mebby he is that liberal and generous turn with 



BETSEY KEADd A POEM TO GEN. GRANT 285 

his own folks, that after he has read it, he will give 
it to some of his wife's relations. Mebby there is a 
few widowehs among them," and then in a still 
more dreamy tone she murmured, " Betsey B. Dent, 
"Washington, D. C." But anon or a little after, she 
roused out of this .revery and takin' the poetry in 
her hand, she started down the car, and I bein' thed, 
leaned my head back against the side of the seat, and 
composed myself together. 

I guess I had most got into a nap, when I heard a 
'loud wrathful, eloquent voice, seemm'ly makin' a 
speech to some enimy. It started me up so that I 
rose right up onto my feet, and looked round, and 
there was that noble General, standin' up with his 
hands extended, lay in' it down strong and decided. 
I knew what it was in -^ a minute, Betsey Bobbet 
had done what a five years uncivel war couldn't do, 
nor a admirin' nation of 20 million souls. She had 
got him to makin' a speech, while Skyler who had 
smiled stidely for upwards of 40 years, stood lookin' 
on with a dark and awfully gloomy frown onto him. 

I stood silent for some time lost in the sorrowful 
feelins the scene called forth, and then almost over- 
come with my pity for them, I wended my way 
towards them. As I drew nearer to them, I heard his 
words which he was pourin' out so eloquently and 
fluently, "Let us have peace, GanH we have peace ? " 
he "was yellin' in such harrowin' tones, that there 

wasn't hardly a dry eye in my head as I Hstened. 
12 



286 LET us HAVE PEACE. 

" Have I escaped from the horrible danger of war, 
have I survived the open bullets of my enimies, and 
the well meanin' but almost fatal arrows^ of my 
friends, to expier in this way ? To perish by poetry ? 
Is there no sucker for me ? Ca7it we have peace ?" he 
screamed in a loud preachin' tone as he ketched sight 
of me, " Cant we have it, say f " 

He was almost delerious. But I laid my hand on 
liis agitated elbow, and says I in soothin' tones. 

" Yes Ulysses, you shall have a piece, you shall, 
Josiah Allen's wife will see to it, you shall have a 
piece." 

And then I leaned down and whispered a few words 
into Betsey Bobbett's left ear, and she turned 
quicker'n a flash, and gathered up her poetry and 
rushed into the forward car. 

Ae she disapeared, Skyler'ses face changed from 
that gloomy sinister frown, and agin he put on that 
smile that was upwards of 40 years old, but was still 
so sweet and fresh that I knew it was good for 
another 40 years — and the General grasped me by 
the hand sayin' in agitated tones, 

" Tliere was upwards of 50 of 'em, and she would 
read 'em." Says I soothingly, " I wouldn't think of 
it Ulysses, it is all over now. I was glad to show the 
gratitude the nation owes to you. I was glad of the 
chance to befriend you." 

" Angel !" says he almost warmly. But I iuterupt- 



BETSEY OVERCOME BY STRATEGY. 287 

ed liim bj sayiii' in a tone of dignity. " I honor and 
respect you deeply Ulysses — but in the two names of 
Julia and Josiah, I must forbid your callin' me angel, 
or any other pet name." 

I knew it was only his deep gratitude to me for 
rescuin' him from his peril that made him say it, for he 
and Julia think the world of each other. And the 
good solid principles, colored and morally struck in 
with tan bark in his early life, the muddy waters of 
political life haint been able to wash out, nor the gilt 
tinsel of fashionable life to cover up and destroy. I 
knew that even there in Washington Avenue, among 
all the big men there, he loved his wife, jest as much 
as if it was the fashion to love 'em. I knew all this, 
but still I felt that I must speak as I did, for princi- 
ple with J. Allen's wife — as I have remarked more 
formally — is all in all. 

I then turned and followed Betsey, not knowin' 
but what she would be a comin' back. What I whis- 
pered in her left ear was this, that her back hair was 
comin' down, and she bein' so bald, I knew it would 
fetch her down like a arrow in her breast. 

They left at the next Station House, and Betsey 
and me proceeded onwards to New York village with 
no farther coincidences. 



} 



AT NEW YORK, ASTERS'ES TAVERN. 



rilliE cars elidu't bust up nor break down, which sur- 
JL jDrised me some, but which I felt was indeed a 
blessin', and at |- past six Letsey and me stood on 
the platform of the depott at New York village. As 
we stood there I would have swapped my last new 
cross barred muslin night cap in my satchel bag on 
my arm for a pair of iron ears. I should have been 
glad of the loan of a old pair for 16 seconds, if I 
couldn't got 'em no longer, the noise was so dis- 
tractin' and awful. 

Says I to myself, " Am I Josiah Allen's wife, or 
am I not ?" some of the time I thought I was Josiah, 
I was so destracted. But though inwardly so tosted 
up and down, I kep a cool demeaniour outside of me. 
I stood stun still, firmly graspin' my satchel bag, my 
umberell and my green cap box — with my best head 
dress in it, till I had collected myself together, rec- 

olected what my name was, and where I was a goin'. 

288 



A FAMILIAR STRANGER. ^g^ 

Wlicu my senses come back I thought to myself truly 
Josiah wasn't so fav out of the way when he w^orried 
over old Tammany, for of all the shameless and 
Lrazen set, on the face of the earth, that set a howl in' 
round Betsey Bobbet and me was the shamelessest 
and brazenest. 

JS^ow I am naturally pretty offish and reth'in' in my 
ways, with strange men folks. I think it is becomin' 
in a woman to be so, instead of bold. Now when we 
sot sail from Jonesville, after we got well to ridin', a 
man came through the cars, a perfect stranger to me, 
but he reached out his hand to shake hands with me, 
jest as friendly and famelier as if I was his step moth- 
er. But I didn't ketch holt of his hand, as some 
wimmen would, 1 jest folded up my arms, and says I, 
coolly, 

" You have got the advantage of me." 

But he never took the hint, there he stood stun 
still in front of me holdin' out his hand. And seein' 
there was a lot of folks lookin' on, and not wantin' to 
act odd, I kinder took holt of his hand and shook it 
slightly, but at the same time says, 

"Who under the sun you are I dont know — but 
you seem determined to get acquainted with me. 
Mebby you are some of his folks I haint never seen — 
are you related to Josiah on the Allen side or on 
the Daggett side ?" Josiah's mother was a Daggett. 

But before I could say any more he spoke up and 



290 WILL TOU HAVE A BUS ? 

said all he wanted was my ticket. I was glad then I 
had acted offish. For as I say, I dont believe in wim- 
men puttin' themselves forward and actin' bold. Not 
that that stands in the way of their modistly claimin' 
their honest rights. I have seen enongh boldness 
used by a passel of girls at one hnskin' bee, or apple 
cut to supply 4 presedential elections, and the same 
number of female caurkusses, and then have 5 or G 
baskets full left. Ilavein' these modest and reserved 
feelins' in my soul — as firm as firm iron — what was 
my feelins' as I stood there on that ' platform, when a 
great tall villian walked up to me and yelled right up 
close to my bunnet, 

" Will you have a bus mom ?" 

If that man had the privilege of livin' several hun- 
dred years, he would say at the last 100, that lie 
never forgot the look I gave him as he uttered 
these infamous words to me. It was a look calculated 
to scorch a man to his very soul. It was a look cal- 
culated and designed to make a man sigh for some 
small knot hole to creep through and hide him from 
the gaze of wimmen. I'll bet 2 cents that he wont 
insult another women in that way very soon. I give 
him a piece of my mind that he wont forget in a 
hurry. I told him plainly, " That if I wasn't a 
married women and a Methodist, and, was free to kiss 
who I was a mind to, I had jest as lives kiss a ana- 
condy, or a bovoon struct or, as him," and T says in 



BETSEY HOPES FOll A HOME. 291 

conclusion, "mebby you think because Josiali haint 
here to protect me, you can talk to me as you are a 
mind to. But, says I, " if I haint got Josiali with 
me I have got a good stout umberell." He quailed 
silently, and while he was a quailin' I turned to 
Betsey, and asked lier if she was ready to start 
along, for as true as I live and breathe, I was afraid 
Betsey was so of that clingin turn, that she would be 
a kissen' some of them men in spite of my teeth, 
for thier was a lot of 'em besettin' her for a bus. 
A yellin' round her "have a bus?" Have a bus?" 
Jest as if that was jest what Betsey and me had 
come from Jonesville for. The miserable — lowlived 
creeters. 

Betsey seemed to kinder hate to go, but I started 
her off. For no burdock bur ever stuck to a horse's 
mane, as Josiah Allen's wife sticks to a companion, a 
drawin' 'em along with her in the cause of Right. As 
we wended our way along, walkin' afoot, she wanted 
to know what tavern I was a goin' to put up to, and I 
told her " Mr. and Miss Asters'es tavern." Says she, 
" If it was not jest as it was, I would ask you to go to 
cousin Ebenezah's with me. But in the future it may 
be I shall be freer to act, than I be now. If I was a 
married female and had a home of my own heah, how 
happy I should be to welcome Jonesville to its blessed 
presincts. As deah Tuppah observes — " 

But I interrupted her by sayin' coolly, " Betsey, I 



29^ A VEGETABLi; WIDOW. 

have made up my mind to put up to Mr. Aster'ses, 
for Johnothan Beans'es ex-wife, Josiali's 2nd cousin, 
Is Miss Aster'ses hired girh" , 

" Is she a widow ?" says Betsey. 

" She does a little in that line," says I in a cautious 
tone. " She is a vegetable widow." I wasn't goin' 
to say " grass widow " right out, though she is clear 
grass. Tor her husband, Johnothan Bean, run away 
with another woman 3 years ago this comin' fall. It 
was all printed out in the "World at the time. At that 
very minute we turned on to Broadway, and Betsey 
was a sailin' on ahead of me in gay spirits, a laughin', 
and a talkin', and a quotin' Tupper, jest as happy as 
you please. But as w^e turned the corner, I stopped 
her by ketchin' holt of her Greek bender, and says I, 

" I'd have a little respect into me, Betsey Bobbet," 
says I. " Less stand still here, till the funeral proces- 
sion goes by." 

So we put a funeral look onto our faces, and stood 
still a spell, and they streamed by. I thought my soul 
there was no end to the mourners. It seems as if we 
stood there decently and in order, with a solemn look 
onto our faces, becomin' the solemn occasion, for pretty 
nigh ^ an hour. Finally I wliispered to Betsey, and 
says I, 

" Betsey, did you ever see such a gang of mourners 
in your life ?" 

I see her eyes looked kinder sot in her head, and 
she seemed to be not really sensin' what I said. She 



Waitin' for the procession to pass. 293 

looked strange. Finally says slie, "It is a sorrowful 
time, I am composin' a funeral owed, and I will repeat 
it to you soon." 

I wanted to get her mind offen that idee, and I con- 
tinued on a talldu', 

"It must be some awful big man that is dead. 
Like as not it is the Governor of the United States 
or some deacon or other. Do see 'em stringin' along. 
But how some of the mourners are a behavin', and 
how gay some of the wimmen are dressed. If J had 
known there was goin' to be a funeral in the village, 
while I was here, some of the mourners might have 
had my black bombazeen dress, and my crape viel 
jest as well as not. I always make a practice of 
lendin' 'em on funeral occasions." 

Jest then a little boy came sailin' by, with a segar 
in his mouth almost as big as he was. And I 
ketched holt of him, and whispered to him, 

" Bub who is dead ? " and says I, " be you one of 
the mourners ? " 

" Yes, old lady," says he, in a impudent tone, " I 
am out on ? chort mourn." 

If it hadn't been for the mournful occasion, and 
for gettin' off'en my dignity, I would have spanked 
him, then and there ; he laughed so impudent at me. 
But I let him go on, and then I took out my snowy 
25 cent linen handkerchief and wiped off my heated 
face, and says I to Betsey, 

" I am wore out ; there hain't no end to this pro- 
12* 



294 MR. ASTERS 'ES TAVERN. 

cession seemin'ly, we may as well go on, for I am 
beat out, we shall act as well as some of the 
mourners do any way, if we do walk on." So we 
wended on. Betsey's cousin lived not a great ^^ays 
from Miss Asters'es, only it was down a little ways 
another street, up over a store. I told her " I guessed 
I wouldn't climb up them grocery stairs, I was so 
tuckered out, and then Miss Aster would most prob- 
able have supper about ready, and I didn't want to 
have her fuss to set the table over for me, or steep 
her tea over, and I felt that a cup of tea I must have." 

I was kinder dreadin' goin' in alone, not bein' 
acquainted with Miss Aster, and I don't know when I 
have been tickled er, than I was to meet Jonothan 
Beans'es ex-wife, right on the sidewalk. She was 
real glad to see me too, for I befriended her when 
she first went to grass, (as it was) I took her right in 
for 3 weeks, and give her 2 pair of seamed stockins, 
and a lot of other things for her comfort. 

She went right back with me. Of all the big 
houses I ever see, Mr. Asters'es house beat everj- thing. 
I was determined not to act green and be a askin' 
questions, and so I didn't say a word. But I spose 
from the size of it, that Mr. Aster lets part of it for 
meetin' houses, and mebby they have a few select 
schools in it, and a few lunatick asylums, I should 
thiuk they would need 'em, such a noise. But I 
didn't say a word. 

Jonothan Beans'es ex-wife told me I must put my 



1 



* The register. 295 

name down on the Register before I went to my 
room, I didn't object, nor I didn't ask no questions, 
but I kep a pretty good look out. "Register!" I 
knew I had heard somethin' that sounded Hke that, 
connected with deeds, and I wasn't goin' to sign 
away my property. I didn't know as it was so, but 
I did have my thoughts, that mebby somebody had 
told 'em I was comein' to the village, and they was 
tryin' to get me to sign away my thirds, there is so much 
iniquity in the world. But I kep my thoughts to 
myself, and kep my eyes open. I jest looked over 
the book pretty sharp, before I put my name down, 
and I see it was all right. My room was on the 
5th story, and I told J. Beans'es ex-wife that how 
I was goin' to climb up them stairs I didn't know, I 
was so tuckered out, I was sorry the minute I said 
it, for I was afraid she would go and tell Miss Aster, 
and Miss Aster would give up her bedroom to me, or 
mebby she would make Mr. Aster sleep with one of 
the boys, and have me sleep with her, and I wouldn't 
have her put herself out for the world. And I spoke 
up and says I, 

" I guess I can weather it some way." 

And she spoke up and says she, " Here is the 
elevater, be carried up." 

There was a big nigger comin' right towards us, 
and I thought she meant him, for they have been called 
such funny names ever since the war, that I thought 



29G THE ELEVATOR. « 

likely " Elevater" was one of 'eni. But I jeet put my 
foot right douu to once, says I firmly, 

" I haint a goin' to be lugged up stairs by that nig- 
ger." And then I was so afraid that he would hear it, 
and it would hurt his feelins, that I spoke right up 
pretty loud, and says I, 

" It haint on accoimt of the gentleman's daiS'k com- 
plexion at all, that I object. But I don't think Josiah 
would like it, to have any other man carryin' me round 
in his arms.* 

But Johnothan Beans'es ex-wife explained it to me. 
There was a little room about as big as our smoke 
house, all fixed oiF neat as a pin, and all we had to do 
was to git in, and then we was histed right up in front 
of om' room. I was awful glad to be carried up, but 
I have got some pity left into me, and I says to her, 
says I, 

" Haint it aw^ful hard for the man that is drawin' us 
up ?" Says I, " Is it Mr. Aster, or is it his hired man ? " 
and says I, " does he do it with a windlass, like a well 
bucket ? or hand over hand, like drawin' up water out 
of a cistern with a pole f » 

Johnathan Beans'es ex-wife said it was done by ma- 
chinery, and she said, for I asked her the first thing, 
"that there wasn't no funeral, that there was jest such 
a crowd every day." I didn't believe her, but I was 
too beat out to contend. And glad enough was I, to 
stretch my weary limbs in a rockin' chair. J. Beans'es 



FIRST THOUGHTS IN THE MORNIN». 29T 

ex-wife said slic woiild fetch me up a cup of tea, and 
my supper to me. She haint forgot the past. 

She told me when she left me that night, to be 
dreadful careful about the gass, and not blow it out ; 
she told me jest how it was done, and I'll bet Mrs. 
Aster herself couldn't do it any neater, for I thought 
of Josiah, and the thought of that man nerved me to 
do it right, so as not to die and leave him a gass wid- 
ower, and a lonely man. 

When I waked up in the mornin' such a noise as I 
heard. Why, I have thought sometimes when I was 
sleepy, that our old rooster " Hail the Day " makes an 
awful sight of noise. But good land ! if all the roos- 
ters in the United States and Boston, had roosted 
right under my window, they couldn't have begun 
with it. My first thought as I leaped out of bed was, 
" Jonesville is afire." Then recollectin' myself, I grew 
calmer, and thought mebby Miss Aster had got break- 
fast ready, and was a hollerin to me. And growin' 
still more composed, I gin up that the trampliu' and 
hollerin' was doun in the street. As I dressed me, I 
lay out my work for the day ; thinks'es I, " Betsey 
Bobbet will be so took up with her mission to her 
cousin,Ebenezer's, that I shall be rid of her*" It was 
a sweet thought to me, and I smiled as I tliought it. 
But alas ! as the poet well observes, " How little we 
know what is ahead of us." Thinks'es I, as I turned 
the screw and let the water outen the side of the house 



298 PLANS LAID FOR THE DAY. 

to wash me, (Jolmotlian Beans' es ex-wife had showed 
me how the night before,) I must do all I can this day 
in the cause of Right. If I get that destracted here 
that I am threatened with luny, and have to leave be- 
fore my time comes, I will go where duty calls me 
first and most. I should have been glad to have look- 
ed round the village, and got acquainted with some of 
Miss Aster' ses neighbors, but though I felt that the 
neigliborin' wimmen might think I was real uppish 
and proud sperited, still I felt that I could better 
stand this importation than to desert the cause of 
Right for ^ a minute. I felt that Horace, although 
nearly perfect in every other respect, needed Josiah 
Allen's wife's influence on a subject dear to that fe- 
male's heart. And I felt that that dehided Miss "Wood- 
hull needed a true and pure principled female to show 
her plainly where she stood. Tlien I laid out to go 
to Isabella Beecher Hooker'ses. And the time was 
short, I knew with every fresh roar of destraction that 
come up from the street below, that the time of my 
stay in that village was short. 

I was so almost lost in these thoughts, that I didn't 
see how late it was a gettin'. I had overslept myself 
in the first place, bein' so tuckered out the night be- 
fore, and thinks'es I all of a sudden, 

" What will Miss Aster think, my keepin' her from 
eatin' her breakfast so long ?" 

But inwardly, my mind was some composed by 



\ 



THE RREAKFAST TABLES. S99 

tliinkin' it was principle that had belated me. So I 
sailed doiin stairs. I had put on my best clothes, my 
headdress looked foamin', my overskirt stood ont noble 
round my form. And it was with a peaceful mind 
though some destracted by the noise, that I wended 
my way to the breakfast table. 

But instead of all of us a settin' to one table with 
Miss Aster to the head, a pourin' out tea, there was 
I'll bet, more'n a hundred little tables, with folks set- 
tin' round 'em, a eatin', and waiters a goin' all round 
amongst 'em, a waitin' on 'em. And every man wait- 
er had got on one of his wives white bib aprons. 
Thinks'es I to myself, what a tussle I should have 
with Josiah, to get him to wear one of my aprons 
round the house when I had company ; he is awful sot 
aginst wearin' aprons, it is all I can do to get one on 
to him when he is a churnin'. 

Johnothan Beans'es ex-wife ketched my eye, as I 
went in, and she came and sot me doun to a little table 
where there wasn't nobody. And then she was drawed 
off by somebody and left me alone. And I spoke out 
loud to myself, 

" I'd like to know what I am goin' to eat, unless I 
lay to and eat stun china and glass ware." And ketch- 
in' sight of the pepper box, I exclaimed almost con- 
vulsively, 

" I never was much of a hand to eat clear pepper, 
and notlu'ii' else." 

A nigger come up to me at that minute, and said 



800 AN INSULT To Mt VORACITY. 

sometliiii' in a frencliified accent about a cart bclii' ou 
my plate, or sometliin' about a cart, and I see in a 
minute tliat be wanted to make out — because I come 
from tbe country — tbat I wanted a cart load of vittles. 
I don't know when I have been madder. Says I, 

"You impudent ereeter, you think because I am 
from the country, and Josiah haint with me, that you 
can impose upon me. Talk to me, will you, about my 
wantin' a cart load of vittles ? I should be glad," says 
I in a sarcastic tone, " I should be glad to get some- 
thin' a little more nourishin' than a three tined fork 
and a towel to eat, but I don't seem to run much chance 
of gettin' on it here." 

Before he had time to say anything, J. Beans'es ex- 
wife came up, and said something to me about lookin' 
at " Bill the Fair." I looked down on the table, and 
noticed then for the first time that there was a j)iece 
of poetry layin' there, seemin'ly cut out of some news- 
paper, I see that she wanted me to read it, but I told 
her, " That I wasn't much of a hand for poetry any- 
way, and Betsey Bobbet wrote so much that it made 
me fairly sick of it," and besides, says I, " I have left 
my specks up stairs, I forgot 'em till I got most down 
here." 

But jest tlien I happened to think, mebby she had 
i;wrote it herself, I dont want to hurt nobody's feelins', 
and says I, in a pleasant tone, 

" I presume " Bill the Fair," is a good piece of 
poetry, and if you haint no objection, I will take it 



►■i^%*ii^ 



STORE TEA. SOl 

tome with me, and put it into Tirzali Ann's scrap 
book." She started off before I fairly got through 
speakin' and I folded up the poetry and put it into 
my pocket, and in a minute's time back she came with 
some first rate vittles. She knows what I like jest as 
well as I do, havin' lived with us a spell, as I said, 
when she first went to grass. She knows jest what a 
case I am for store tea ; but she asked me what kind 
of tea I wanted, and I spoke right out before I 
thought, 

"Anything but sage tea, I cant bear that." 
But then I happened to think I see they was all a 
drinkin' cofiee round me, I knew they was by the 
smell. And I thought niebby from her speakin' to 
me in that way that she meant to give me a little hint 
that Miss Aster was out of store tea, and says I, kinder 
loud for she had started off. " If Miss Aster is short 
on it for store sea, she needn't fuss for me, she 
need'nt borry any on my account, I can drink sage 
tea if I set out to." 

But I thought to myself, that I had rather have 
brought a drawin' of tea in my pocket clear from 
Jonesville, than to have gone without it ; while I was 
jest thinkin' this, Jonothan Beans'es ex-wife came 
back with a first rate cup of tea, strong enough to 
bear up a egg. 

The more I looked round and see the droves of 
hun<;iT folks, Iho sorrier I felt for Miss Aster. And 
I spoke to J. Beans'es ex-wife as she brought me my 



S02 A PARTY 01' FASHIONABLES. 

last vittles, says I, " If there is a womau on the face 
of tlie hull earth I am sorry for, it is Miss Aster, how 
on earth can she ever cook enough to fill this drove 
of folks ?" says I, '' How can she ever stand up under 
it ? " And carried almost away with my sympathy, 
I says to Jonothan Beans'es ex-wife, 

" You tell Miss Aster from me that she needn't 
make no fuss about the dinner at all, I will eat a 
picked up dinner, I had jest as lives as not, I didn't 
come down here to put her out and make her any 
trouble." 

I heard a little noise to one side of me, and I looked 
round and there was a feller aud two girls a snickerin' 
and laughin', right at me. They was rigged out 
awful fashionable, but I guess their brains had run to 
their hair mostly, the girls on their heads, and hisen 
on his face, such sights of it. But I don't believe 
they was very well off, for every one of 'em had broke 
one eye ofPen their spectacles, and they lifted up that 
one eye, and looked at me through it, a laughin' at 
the same time as if they would split But it didn't 
put me out a bit, I glared back at 'em, as sharp as 
they did at me, and says I, 

" Laugh away if you want to, I know what it is to 
cook over a hot cook stove in the summer time, it tuck- 
ers anybody out, even if they have got good help, and 
I am sorry for Miss Aster." 

They snickered worse than ever, and I got mad, and 
I, 



THE WATER LEFT RUNNING B03 

" I don't wonder yon laugli ! there liaint no more 
pity and humanity in the whole lot on yon, than there 
is in a three tined pitchfork, and no wonder when you 
see somebody that has got a little pity and generosity 
into 'em, it is more of a amusement and novelty to yon 
than a circus would be." 

As I said this, I rose up in almost fearful dignity, 
and sailed away from the table np to my room. 

As I opened the door I heard a dreadful curious 
noise, a kind of a gurglin' gushin' sound, and when I 
opened the door, of all the freshets I ever see, I had 
forgot to turn back the little screw, and the water was 
a gushin' out all over. Jonothen Beans'es ex wife, 
happened to come along jest then, and she sent \\y> a 
nigger with a mop, and a lot of cloths, and I turned 
to, and helped him, she told me not to, but says I, 

" Josiah Allen's wife haint one to shirk when tliere 
is work to do," and says I, "you tell Miss Astei*, after 
I get through here, I had jest as lives come down and 
help her wash up the breakfast dishes as not," says I, 
lookin' thoughtfully at my overskirt, I don't really 
want to put my hands into the dish water on account 
of my dress, but I had jest as lives wipe 'em as not." 

But J, Beans'es ex wife said there wasn't no need 
of my helpin', and so after I got my room all slicked 
np and my bed made (she told me to leave my bed, 
but I wusn't goin' to act so slack) I sot down a min- 
ute to rest, before I set sail in the cause of Right. 

I was jest a thinkin' that Betsey Bobbet was safe in 



BOi EBENEEZER'S WIFE RECOVERS. 

the house of mournin', and there was a sweet and 
satisfied smile on my face, as I thought it, when all of 
a sudden the door opened, and in she walked. My 
heart sunk pretty near ^ an inch. But I ketched 
holt of my principles, and says I, 

" What is the matter Betsey ?" For she looked as if 
she had been cryin' her eyes out. " Is your cousin no 
more ? has Ebineezah suicided himself ?" 

" No moah !" says she in a indignant tone. " She 
is gettin, well, and Ebineezah is as happy as a king 
about it, she has been takin' cod liveli oil, and "Cherry 
Pectorial," and they have cm^ed her, I hate Cherry Pec- 
torial, and cod liveh oil, they are nasty stufi's." 

Says I, in a insinuatin' tone, " you are goin' back 
there haint you ?" 

" No !" says she indignantly, " I wont stir a step 
back, they are so tickled about her gettin' bettah, that 
they don't use me with no respect at all." And there 
was a tear in her eye as she added in sorrowful tones, 
" Ebineezah told me that if it hadn't been for that cod 
liveh oil, he should have been a widowah, and a lone- 
ly man to day. No !" says she takin' off her hat and 
throwin' it in a angry fierce way onto the bed, " I 
wont stir a step back, I wont stay anotheh minute in 
the same house with cod liver oil, I perfectly de- 
spise it." 

I see there was no use a arguin' with her, the arrow 
had struck too deep, I see my fate, Betsey had got to 
accompany me on my high and lofty mission. For a 



BETSEY TO ACCOMPANY ME. 



805 



minute I thouglit wildly of escape, of gettin' her out 
of the room on some errent for a minute, and then ty- 
in' the sheets together and lowerin' myself down from 
the winder. But better feelin's rose inside of me, 
Betsey was a human bein', I, belonged to the meetin' 
house. All these nobler emotions tied up my tongue, 
I said nothin' but I turned and concluded the wild tu- 
mult of my feelin's, by takiii' the gingham case ofi'en 
my umberell I was goin' to carry with me, and put- 




N^ 



ON THE STREET. 



tm' on my bnnnet we started out for onr promenade. 



MEET DR. MARY WALKER. 



"VTO cambric needle ever had its eye sot any keener 
-L 1 and firmer onto the North pole, than Josiah Al- 
len's wife had her keen gray eye aimed at the good of the 
Human Race, so I thought I would go and see 
Horace first. But Jonothan Beans'es ex-wife told 
me he had gone away for the day, to some great rally 
in a neighborin' village, I didn't have the least idee 
what she meant by " rally," but I answered her in a 
bland way that " I hoped he would have good luck 
and get quite a mess of it," and then says I, " It won't 
make a mite of difference with me, I can go to Miss 
Woodhnlls'es first." 

Betsey was rampent to go to the Theater, "Bar- 
nums Amusement," and the " Centre of the Park," 
and some of the meetin' houses with big steeples, 
and other places of amusement. But I says to her 
as we wended our way on, " Betsey, these old bones 
of mine will repose in Jonesville to-morrer night as, 

the poet saith, ' In my own delightful feather bed.' 

306 



CALL ON MISS HOOKER. 307 

And Betsey, they "couldn't rest there, if they looked 
back and see that they didn't do all they could while 
here, for the advancement of the Race, and for iniprov- 
in' of my own mind. Says I, " I didn't come to this 
village for vain pleasure, I have got a high mission to 
perform about, and a mind to improve upon. 

I thought we would jest run in a few minutes to 
Miss Hookers'es, but her hired girl says to me at the 
door says she, 

" Miss Hooker is engaged." 
I looked the hired girl full in the face, and says I, 

"What of it, what if she is? " 

Then says the hired girl, " She hain't to home." 

Says I, " Why didn't you say so, in the iirst out, 
and not go to beatin' round the bush." Says I, for 
I was determined to do all the good 1 could to the 
Human Race, " Miss Hooker is a first rate woman, 
and it haint a hired girl's place to talk about her 
mistress'es family matters and love affairs." 

When we got to Miss Woodhulls'es we went up 
the front doorsteps, and I knocked to the door, Bet- 
sey says, "Ring the bell." 

Well says I, " I hain't particuler, hand it aloug." 
I thought mebby she had got one in her pocket, and 
wanted me to ring it to pass away the time, while we 'f 
was standin' on the doorstep a waitin' for Miss Wood- 
hull to come and open the door. 

But Betsey reached by me, and took holt of a little 



308 CALL AT MISS WOODllULLS'ES. 

silver nub, by the side of tlie door, put there for a 
ornimentj and pulled it. 

Says Ij " Don't be so impatient Betsey. Slie'U be 
licre in a minute, don't go to foolin' and tearin' the 
house down to pass away time." 

Jest at that minute a little Black African came to 
the door, he looked impudent at us, and says he, 

" Miss Woodliull hain't to home," and he shet the 
door right in our faces. We was jest goin' down the 
doorsteps, when the door opened agin, and a little 
figger came out, that at the first view bafHed me. 
Says I to myself, " Is it a man, or is it a woman ? " 
It had a woman's face but a man's pantaloons. I was 
Ijaffled. But Josiah Allen's wife hain't one to give 
up the ship while there is -^ a plank left. I was 
determined to get all the knowledge I could while on 
my tower. I was determined to get information on 
every deep and mysterious subject I could. And so 
I walked up to it, and says I in a low voice and polite 
as I could, for fear of hurtin' its fcelins'. 

" Be you a man sir ?" or a women mom ?" 

It wasn't mad a bit, (I say it, for I didn't know 
then in what gender to put it.) It looked me so 
pleasant in the face, and yet so searchin'ly, that I was 
kinder flustrated,and says I, in a kind of awestruck 
tone, 

1 hope you wont be offended, I only ask for in- 
formation. Be you a masculine, femenine or neutral 
gender ?" 



. -„■ " A DOUBTFUL GENDER. 309- 

It smiled agin, jest as pleasant as ono of my glass 
jars of maple sugar, and tben it opened its month and 
said, 

" I am Dr. Mary Walker." . 

I dont know when I have been so ticlded ; nothin' 
is sweeter than knowledge to the inqnirin' mind, 
when it has been baffled. Says I, 

"Mary I am glad to see you." and I give her 
hand such a shakin' that it looked red as a beet when 
I leggo. Says-I, 

"I am gladder to see you than I would be to see 
any nephew or neice I have got in the world. I am 
as glad to see you as I would be to see any brother or 
sister of mine." 

Says she, " I cant recall your countenance." 

Says I, Mary, I am Josiah Allen's wife." 

" Oh !" says she, " I have read your eloquent ora- 
tion(g on wimmin' liavin' a right. I am happy to 
make your acquaintance." Then and there I intro- 
duced Betsey. 

Says she, " Did you call tp see Miss Woodhull ?" 

" Yes," says I, " I wanted to talk to her, for she is 
in the wrong, but she haint to home." 

Says she, " she is to home, and you shall see her, a 

.few friends of the cause, have met here to-day, but 

they are about all gone." She went right up the 

doorsteps agin, and instead of knockin', slie ketched 

holt of that silver nob,, that Betsey had been a foolin' 

with. 'Mary was so excited that she didii't really 
13 



810 MISS DOCTOR WALKER ADMITS US. 

know wnat she was about, or else she wonld have 
made some move towards gettin' in to the lioiisc. 
But it was jest as well, for that impudent faced little 
Black African happened to come to the door agin jest 
at the right time. And she spoke up kinder sharp 
like, 

" Show these ladies into the parlor, they are friends 
of mine, and Miss Woodhull will be glad to see 'em." 

He looked as if he woTikl sink, and I didn't care if 
he did, clear through to the suller. I should have 
been glad to have seen him sunk. 

I looked severe at him after I had gripped Mary's 
hand, and parted with her. He held the door open 
awful polite, and in a kind of a apoligy way he mur- 
tered somethin' about, 

" Sposin' Miss Woodhull was engaged." 

Says I pretty sharp, " Sposin she is engaged, is that 
any reason you should turn Betsey and me out 
doors?" Says I, I didn't keep our folks'es doors 
locked up when I got engaged to Josiah." Says I, 
'' sposen Miss Woodhull is engaged, she ought to 
have been engaged, and marriad, years ago." 

I was in the wrong, and I see it, and ketched holt 
of my principles convulsively, for I see that my indig- 
nant emotions towards that little lyin' imp was a shak- 
in' 'em. I hadn't no right to be a speakin' aginst the 
woman of the house to their hired help. I felt as mean 
as pusley to think I had done it, and says I, mildly, 

" I am glad Miss Woodhull is engaged to be mar- 



A NEWLY MARRIED MAN. 311 

ried, it takes a load offen my mind," says I, " I pre- 
sume she will settle douii and make a real likely wo- 
man." 

At that minute, a door opened right across the hall, 
and a man come out and sliet it agin, and he ketched 
right holt of my arm, the first thing, and says he, 

" Come, Marier Jane, or Marier Ann," says he, " I 
can't really call to mind your precise name this min- 
ute, but I think it is Marier any way, or mebby it is 
Mary Ann. Come, Mary Ann, it is time to be a go- 
in' home." 

I looked at him with almost fearful dignity, and I 
says to him with a air so cold that he must have 
thought it blowed off of Greenland's icy mountain, 

" Leggo of my arm !" 

But he never budged a inch, and I jest raised my 
umberell, and says I, " If you don't leggo of my arm, 
I'll make you leggo." 

Then he leggo. And he stood back a little, but he 
looked piercin'ly and searchin'ly into my face, and 
says he, 

"You are my wife, liaint you?" 

Then again I spoke with that fearful dignity, and 
that cold and icy air, 50 degrees under Mr. Zero it was, 
if it was a degree. 

" N^o Sir ! I am proud and happy to say I am not 
your wife, I am Josiah Allen's wife." 

He looked real meachin, and says he, " I beg your 
pardon mom, but I've only been married to my last 



812 TWO ROMAN NOSES. 

wife a few hours, havin' got a di^^orce from a former 
companion after dinner yesterday, and I have been bo 
busy since, that 1 haven't really got the run of her face 
yet, though I thonght" he added dreamily, "that I 
should know that nose agin any where." 

I see that he was imposin' on me. But I wasn't 
goin' to have my nose throwed in my face by him, 
and says I, " I am aware that my nose is a pretty size- 
able one. But," says I, in about as sarcastic a voice 
as I ever used in my life " it is a nose that haint never 
been wore off, and made smaller a pokin' into other 
folks'es affairs. Pokin' round a tryin' to find wives 
where there haint none." 

" But mom, I was married between daylight and 
dark, and-" 

But I wouldn't stay to hear another word of his 
apoligys, I jest turned my back onto him, when the 
door opened agin, and a woman came out, and I'll be 
hanged if her nose didn't look like mine — a honorable 
Eoman. The man looked at her in a kind of a unde- 
cided way, but she walked right up and took holt of 
his arm, and he brightened up, and says he. " Are 
you goin' home now Mary Ann ?" 

" Yes," says she, " but my name haint Mary Ann, 
it is Mehitable." 

" "Wall," said he, " I knew there was a M in it," 
And he walked off with her, with a proud and trium- 
phant mene. 



INTERVIEW WITH THEODORE AND 
VICTORY. 



THE young black African opened the door and saya 
he, "Josiah Allen's wife, and Betsey Bobbet, mom." 
He liad asked ns our names jest before he opened it. 

Miss Woodluill was a standin' pretty near the door, 
a talkin' with 3 winimin as we went in. But slie come 
forward immediatly and put out her hand. I took it 
in mine, and shook it a very little, mebby 3 or 4 times 
back and forth. But she must have felt by that cool, 
cautious shake, that I differed from her in her views, 
and had come to give her a real talkin' to. 

One of the wimmen she was a talkin' to, had jest 

about as noble a lookin' face as I erer see, with short 

white curls a fallin' all round it. The beholder could 

see by the first glance onto that face, that she hadn't 

spent all the immortal energies of her soul in makin' 

clover leaf tattin', or in cuttin' calico up into little 

pieces, jest to sew 'em togather agin into blazin' stars 

and sunflower bedquilts. It was the face of an earnest 

313 



Sl4 MISS STANTON, AND H. W. B'S SISTER. 

noble woman, who had asked God Mliat He wanted 
her to do, and then hadn't sliirked out of doin' it. 
Who had gripped holt of lilVs plough, and hadn't 
looked back because the furrows turned over pretty 
hard, and the stumps was thick. 

She knew by experience that there was never any 
greensward so hard to break up, as old ]^rejudices and 
customs ; and no stumps so hard to get round as the 
ridicule and misconceptions of tlie world. What made 
her face look so calm then, when she was doin' all this 
hard work ? Because she knew she was makin' a clear- 
in' right through the wilderness that in the future was 
goin' to blossom like a rosa. She was givin' her life 
for others, and nobody ever did this since the days of 
Jesus, but what sometliin' of his peace is wrote doun 
on thier forwards. That is the way Elizabeth Cady 
Stanton looked to me, as Miss Woodhull introduced 
me and Betsey to her, and to the two other ladies with 
her. 

One of the other wimmen I fell in love with at first 
sight, and I suppose I should have been jest so partial 
to her if she had been as humbly as one of the Hoten- 
tots in my old Olney's Geograph}^, and I'll tell you 
why, because she was the sister of II. W. Beecher. 
As a general thing I don't believe in settin' folks up, 
because they happen to have smart relations. In the 
words of one of our sweetest and noblest writers, " Be- 
cause a man is born in a stable it don't make him a 
horse." N^ot as a general thing, it don't. 



SUSAN B. ANTHONY. 315 

But not once in 100 years does Nature turn out such 
a man as H. "W. B. It takes her longer than that to 
get her ingregiences and materials togather to make 
such a pure sweet nature, such a broad charity, and 
such a intellect as hisen. Why, if the question had 
been put to me before I was born, whether 1 would 
be born his sister, or the twin sister of the queen of 
England, I'd never give a second thought to Miss Vic- 
toria Albert, not but what I respect the Widder Albert 
deeply, I think she is a real nice woman. But I had 
ruther be his sister than to be the sister of 21 or 22 
other kings. For he is a king not make by the layin' 
on of earthly hands, he is God's own annointed, and 
that is a royalty that can't be upsot. So as I remarked 
I s'pose Isabella Beecher Hooker would have looked 
pretty good to me any way. 

The other lady was smart and sensible lookin', but 
she was some like me, she wont never be hung for 
her beauty. This was Susan B. Anthony. Beteey 
Bobbet sot down on a chair pretty nigh the door, but 
I had considerable talk with Susan. The other two 
was awful long discussin' some question with Miss 
Woodhull. 

Susan said in the course of her remarks that " she 
had made the ' Cause of Wimmen's Rights,' her hus- 
band, and was going to cleave to it till she died." 

I told her I was deeply interested in it, bit I 
couldn't marry myself to it, because before gettin' ac- 



'316 THEODORE TILTON. 

qnainted with it, I had united myself to Josiah." 

We had considerable reasonable and agreeable talk, 
such as would be expected from two such minds 
as mine and hern, and then the three ladies departed. 
And Miss Woodhull came up to me agin kinder 
friendly, and says she, 

" I am glad to meet you Josiah Allen's wife," and 
then she invited me to set down. As I turned round 
to get a chair I see through a door into another room 
where sot several other wimmen — some up to a table, 
and all dreadful busy readin' papers and writin' letters. 
They looked so business-like and earnest at thier 
work, that I knew they could not have time to back- 
bite thier neighbors, and I was glad to see it. As I 
took my seat I see a awful handsome gentleman settin' 
on a sofa — with long hair put back behind his ears, — 
that I hadn't ketched sight of before. It was Theodore 
Tilton, and Miss WoodhuU introduced him to Betsey 
and me. He bowed to Betsey, but he came forward 
and took my hand in his'en. I couldn't refuse to 
take it, but I 'looked up in his handsome face with a 
look about two thirds admiration, and one of sorrow. 
If the handsomest and best feathered out angel, had 
fell right over the walls of heaven into our dooryard 
at Jonesville, I couldn't have give it a more piercin', 
and sort of pitiful look than I did him. I then 
turned and silently put my umberell in the corner 
and sot down. As I did so, Miss "WoodhuU re- 
marked to Mr. Tilton, 



VICTORY WOODHULL. S19 

" She is a Strong Wimen's Kigliter, she is one of 
us." 

" No, Victory ; I haint one of you, I am Josiah 
Allen's wife." Then I sithed. And says I, "Yic- 
tory you are in the right on it, and you are in 
the wrong on it," and says I, " I come clear from 
Jonesville to try to set you right where you are 
wrong." Says I, almost overcome with emotion. 
" You are younger than I Victory, and I want to talk 
with you jest as friendly as if I was your mother in 
law." 

Says she, " Where do you think I am in the right, 
and where do you think I am in the wrong ?" 

Says I, " You are right in thinkin' what a soleiim 
thing it is to bring up children as they ought to be. 
What an awful thing it is to bring the little creeters 
into the world without their votin' on the subject at 
all, and then neglect 'em, and abuse 'em, and make 
their poor little days awful long in the world, and 
then expect them to honor you for it. You are right 
in your views of health, and wimmin's votin' and et- 
cetery — but you are wrong Victory, and I don't want 
you to get mad at me, for I say it with as friendly 
feelins' as if I was your mother in law, — you are 
wrong in this free love business, you are wrong in 
keepin' house with two husbands at the same time.'' 

" Two husbands ! it is false ; I was divorced fi'om 
him, and my husband and I found him perishing in 
the streets, and we took him home and took care of 
13* 



320 MY VIEWS 01* RIGHT AND WRONG. 

him 'till he died. "Which would the Lord have 
done Josiah Allen's wife, passed by on the other 
side, or took pity on him ? 

" I don't know what the Lord wonld have done Yic- 
ory, but I believe I should have sent him to a good 
horsepittle or tarven, and hired him took care of. I 
never could stand it to have another husband in the 
same house with me and Josiah. It would seem so 
kind o' curious, somethin' in the circus way. I never 
could stand it never." 

"There have been a good many things Josiah 
Allen's wife that you have not been required to stand, 
Grod and man united you to a good husband whom 
you love. But in your happiness you should'nt for- 
get that some other woman has been less fortunate. 
In your perfect happiness, and harmony — " 

"Oh!" says I candidly, "I don't say but what 
Josiah and me have had our little spats Victory. 
Josiah will go in his stockin' feet considerable and — " 

But she interrupted of me with her eyes a flashin', 

" What would you say to livin' with a man that 
forgot every day of his life that he was a man, and 
Slink himself into a brute. Leaving his young wife 
of a week for the society of the abandoned ? What 
would you say to abuse, that resulted in the birth of 
a idiot child? Would you endure such a life? 
Would you live with the animal that he had made 
himself? I married a man, I never promised God 



MALE AND FEMALE ANGELS. 321 

nor man that I would love, lionor and obey the wild 
beast he changed into. 1 was free from him in the 
sight of a pure God, long enough before the law freed 
me.". 

I let her have her say out, for Josiah Allen's wife 
is one to let every man or mouse tell thier principles 
if they have got any. And if I was conversin' with 
the overseer of the bottomless pit, (I don't want to 
speak his name right out, bein' a Methodist), I would 
give him a chance to get up and relate his experience. 
But as she stopped with Jier voice kinder choked up, 
I laid my brown cotton glove gently onto her shoul- 
der, and says I, 

"Hush up Yictory," says I"wlmmen must submit 
to some things, they can pray, and they can try to let 
thier sorrows lift 'em nearer to heaven, makin' angels 
of 'em." 

Here Mr. Tilton spoke up and says he, I don't be- 
lieve in the angels exclusively, I don't see why there 
shouldn't be he angels, as well as she ones." 

I was tickled, and I looked at him approvin'ly, and 
says I, 

" Theodore you are the first man with one excep- 
tion that I ever see that felt that way, and I respect 
you for it." Says I, " men as a general thing think 
that wimmen have got to do up all the angel business 
there is done. Men seem to get the idee that they 
can do as they are a mind to and the Lord will wink 



822 FEATHHRS ON AN ANGEL'S WING. 

at 'em. And there are lots of things that the world 
thinks would be awful coarse in a woman, but is all 
right in a man. But I don't believe a man's cigar 
smoke sm6lls any sweeter to the Lord than a woman's 
would. And I don't believe a coarse low song, sounds 
any sweeter and purer in the ears of angels, because 
it is sung in a base voice instead of a sulfereno. I 
never could see why men couldn't do somethin' in the 
angel line themselves, as well as to put it all on to the 
wimmen, when they have got everything else under 
the sun to do. Not but what " says I, " I am willen' 
to do my part. I never was a shirk, and Josiah Allen 
will tell you so, I am willin' to do my share of the 
angel business^" And says I, tn a generous way, " I 
would do it all, if I only had time. But I love to see 
justice and reason. ITature feathers out geese and 
gander's equally, or if there is any diiference the gan- 
der's wings are the most foamin' lookin'. Men's shoul- 
ders are made jest the same way that wimmen's are ; 
feathers would look jest as well on 'em as on a wo- 
man, they can cultivate wings with jest as little trouble. 
What is the purest and whitest unseen feathers on a 
livin' angel's hidden wing, Theodore and Victory ? 
They are purity, goodness, and patience, and men can 
grow these unbeknown feathers jest as easy as a wo- 
man can if they only set out." 

I had spoke real eloquent, and I knew it, but I felt 
that I had been carried away slightly by my emotions, 



CONVINCIN' MISS WOODHULL. 323 

from the mission I had come on — to try to convince 
Miss WoodhuU where she was wrong. And so after 
a minutes silence, I broke out agin mildly, for I felt 
that if I give way to anger or impatience my mission 
was lost. 

" Another thing you are wrong in Victory, is to 
think you can be lawfully married without any minis- 
ter or justice of the peace. I knew that all you need- 
ed was to have it set before you plain by some female 
that wished you well ; you are wrong in it Yictory, 
and I tell you so plain, and to show you that I am 
your well wisher, I thought after I had convinced you 
that you was in the wrong, I would make you this of- 
fer. That if you and Col. Blood will go home with 
Betsey and me. Elder Wesley Minkley shall marry 
you right in my parlor, and it shan't cost you a cent, 
for I will pay him myself in dried apples." 

Says she, " I don't want any ceremony, I want the 
only tie to hold me to my husband to be love, the one 
sacred tie." 

"Love is a first rate tie," says I, mildly, holdin' on 
to my temper first rate, " upwards of 15 years ago, I 
give one of the most remarkable proofs of it, that has 
ever been seen in this country ;" (and for a minute my 
mind wandered off onto that old revery, why did I 
love Josiah Allen ?) But collectin' my mind together 
I spoke onwards, with firm and cast iron principle. 
" Still, although I felt that sacred tie unitin' Josiah 



324 A SHAKY CONDITION. 

and me in a double beau knot that couldn't be untwis- 
ted, the first time we met, still, if Elder Wesley Mink- 
ley hadn't united us at the alter — or mother's parlor, 
I should have felt dreadful floatin' round in my mind. 
It would have seemed too curious and onstiddy kind- 
er, as if Josiah and me was liable to fall all to pieces at 
any time, and waver off in the air like two kites that 
had broke loose from thier strings." Says I, firmly, 
" Tliier would be a looseness to it, I couldn't stand." 

She said I would get accustomed to it, and that 
custom made many things seem holy that were unho- 
ly, and many things sinful that were pure in the sight 
of God. 

But still I murmured with a sad look, but firm as 
old Bunker Hill, " I couldn't stand it, Victory, it would 
seem too much like a circus." 

" And then agin. Victory, you are in the wi'ong of 
it about divorces. ' What God has joined togather let 
no man put asunder.' " 

Says she, " Josiah Allen's wife, if divorces were free 
to-morrow, would you get one from Josiah ?" 

" Never !" says I, and my best dress most bust open 
at the breast, (them biases always was took up a little 
too snug) at the idee of partin' from Josiah. 

" Well, what is it that would hold you so fast to each 
other that nothin' but death could separate you ? was 
it the few words you said before the minister ?" 

" It was love. Victory ! love, that wouldn't let me 



ABOUT DIVORCES. 325 

eat a mite, nor sleep a wink, if I couldn't put my hand 
onto Josiali Allen any time day or night." 

" Then," says she, " why not give other good men 
and women credit for bein' actuated by the same sen- 
timents ? Those that God has joined togather, no man 
can put asunder. Those who are really married heai-t 
and sole, would never separate, it would only correct 
abuses, and separate those that man, and not God, had 
joined togather." 

Says I, " Victory, is there any particular need of 
folks lettin' man join 'em togather, when God hasn't ?" 
says I ; "if folks was obleeged to marry, there would 
be some sense in such talk," says I, " they haint no 
business to marry if they don't love each other. All 
sin brings its punishment, and them that commit the 
crime aginst thier own sole, of marryin' without love, 
onght to be punished by unhappiness in thier domestic 
relations, what else can they expect ?" says I. " Mar- 
riage is like baptism, now some folks say it is a savin' 
audnence, I say nobody haint any right to be baptised 
unless they are saved already. Nobody haint any bus- 
iness to put on the outward form of marriage, if they 
haint got the inward marriage of the spirit." 

" Some folks marry for a home," says she. 

" Wall, they haint no business to," says I M^arml3\ 
" I had ruther live out doors under a umberell, all my 
days.'* 

" Those are my sentiments exactly, Josiah Allen's 



32G BLIND MARKIAGE8. 

wife. But you can't deny that people are liable to be 
decieved." 

" If they are such poor judges the first time, what 
would hender 'em from bein' decieved the next time, 
and so on, ad infinitum, to the twentieth and thirtieth 
time ?" says I firmly. " Instead of folks bein' tied to- 
gether looser, they ought to be tied as tight agin. If 
folks knew they couldn't marry agin, liow many di- 
vorces do you suppose there would be i No doubt 
there are individual cases, where there is great wrong, 
and great sufterin'. But we ought to look out for the 
greatest good to the greatest number. And do you 
realize, Yictory, what a condition society would be in, 
if divorces was absohitely free ? The recklessness with 
which new ties would be formed, the lovin' wimmen's 
hearts that would be broken by desertion, the children 
that would be homeless and uncared for. When a 
fickle man or woman gets thier eyes onto somebody 
they like better than they do thier own lawful pard- 
ners, it is awful easy to think that man, and not God, 
has jined 'em. But let folks once get the idee into 
thier heads, that marriage is a solemn thing, and lasts 
as long as thier lives do, and they can't get away from 
each other, they will be ten times as careful to live 
peacible and happy with thier companions." Says I, 
" When a man realizes that he can if he wants to, start 
up and marry a woman before breakfast, and get di- 
vorced before dinner, and have a new one before sup- 



THOROUGHWERT PUKES. 32Y 

per time, it has a tendency to make liim onstidcly and 
wonysome." 

Says I, " Victory, men are dreadful tryin' by spells, 
do you suppose I liave lived with one for upwards of 
15 years, and hain't found it out ? But suppose a 
mother deserts a child because he is wormy, and tears 
his breeches. She brought him into the world, and 
it is her duty to take care of him. Do yon suppose 
a store • keeper ought to take back a pink calico dress, 
after you have made it np, and washed it because the 
color washes out of it, you ought to have tried it 
before it was cut off. I married Josiah Allen with 
both eyes open, I didn't wear spectacles then, I 
wasn't starved to it nor thumbscrewed into it, and it 
is my duty to make the best of him." 

Says she, " When a woman finds that her soul is 
clogged and hampered, it is a duty she owes to her 
higher nature to find relief." 

Says I, " When a woman has such feelin's, instead 
of leavin' her lawful husband and goin' round Imntin' 
up a affintee, let her take a good thoroughwert puke. 
Says I, in 9 and ^ cases out of 10, it is folkes'es 
stomachs that are clogged np insted of their souls. 
Says I, there is nothin' like keepin' the stomach in 
good order to make the moral sentiments run good. 
I^ow our Tirzah Ann, Josiah's girl by his first wife, 
I kinder mistrusted that she was fallin' in love with — ■" 
I almost said it right out Shakespeare Bobbet, but 



328 THEODORE'S OPINIONS. 

I mouglit of Betsey, and turned it " witli a little feller 
that hadn't hardly got out of his roundabouts, she 
bein' at the same time in pantalettes. Well I give 
her a good thorough wert puke, and it cured her, and 
If his mother," says I with a keen look onto Betsey, 
as I thought of my night of troubles, " If his mother 
had served hhn in the same way, it would have 
saved some folks a good deal of suiferin'." 

I see that agin I was wanderin' off 'en the- subject, 
luid I says in a deep solemn tone, 

" [ don't believe in this divorcin'," 

Mr. Tilton spoke up for most the first time, and 
says he, " I think you are wrong in your views of 
divorce, Josiah Allen's Mafe." 

I looked into his handsome face and my feelin's 
rose up strong I couldn't throw 'em, they broke loose 
and says I, in almost tremblin' tones, 

" It is yon that are in the wrong on it, Theodore," 
says I, " Theodore, I have read your poetry when it 
seemed as if I could ride right up to heaven on it, 
thongli I weigh 200 and 10 pounds by the steelyards. 
There is one piece by the name of " Life's Victory." 
I haint much of a hand for poetry, but I read it for 
the first time when I was sick, and it seemed as if it 
carried me so near to heaven, that I almost begun to 
feather out. And when I found out who the author 
was, he seemed as near to me as Tliomas Jefferson, 
Josiah's boy by his first wife. Theodore, I have kept 



1 ALMOST WEPT. 829 

sight of you ever sense, jest as proud of you, as if you 
was my own son-in-law, and when you went off into 
this free love belief I felt bad," I took out my white 
25 cent handkerchif, for a tear came within I should 
say half or three quarters of a inch from my eye-wink- 
ers. I held my handkerchif in my hand, the tear come 
nearer and nearer — he looked agitated — when up spoke 
Miss Woodhull. 

" It is perfectly right ; I believe in free divorce, free 
love, freedom in everything." 

I jest jammed my handkerchif back into my pocket, 
for that tear jest turned round and traveled back lo 
where it come from. I thought I had used mildiie: s 
long enough, and I says to her in stern tones, 

"Victory, can you look me straight in tlie sjK'cta- 
cles, and say that you think this abominable doc[vi;io 
of free love is right ?" 

"Yes mom, I can, I believe in perfect freedom." 

Says I, " That is what burglers and iiicendiarys 
say," says I, " that is the word murderers and Mor- 
mans utter," says I " that is the language of pirates, 
Victory Woodhull." 

She pretty near quailed, and I proceeded on, " Vic- 
tor}^, there liaint but one true liberty, and that is the 
liberty of the Gospel, and it haint Gospel liberty to be 
surrounded by a dozen husbands'es and ex-husbands'es,"' 
says I, this marryin' and partiu' every day or to, liaint 
accordin' to Skripter." 



S30 THEODOEE ADVOCATES DIVORCER. 

Says she in a scornful tone, " "What is skripter ?" 
If I had been her mother I would have spanked her 
then and there. But I wasn't, and I jest turned my 
back to her, and says I, " Mr. Tilton you believe the 
bible don't you ?" 

" Yes mom, I do, but the bible justifies divorce." 

" Yes," says I, " for one cause, and no other, and 
the Saviour says that whosoever marries a woman put 
away for any but the bible cause, commits adultery, 
and I don't believe in adulteration, nor Josiah don't 
either. But says I, convulsivly, " You know a man 
will part with a woman nowadays if the butter don't 
come quick, and she will part with him if he don't 
hang up the bootjack. Is that bible Theodore?" 
Says I, " don't the bible say that except for that one 
reason, man and wife are married till death parts 'em. 
Says I, " is a lawyer in a frock coat, with a lot of pa- 
pers stickin' out of his breast pocket, death ?" Says I, 
" tell me Theodore is he death ?" 

He looked convinced, and says he, " No mom, he 
haint." 

" Well then, what business has that little snip of a 
livin' lawyer to go round tryin' to make out he is 
death ? tell me ?" says I almost wildly. 

I see my emotions was almost carryin' me off, and 
I ketched holt of my dignity, and continued in deep 
solemn tones, 
" True marriage is a sacred thing, and it is a solemn 



MARRIAGE A SOLEMN THING. 331 

thing, it is as solemn as bein' baptized. And if you 
are baptized once in the way you ought to be, it is 
enough. But the best way you can fix it, it is a sol- 
emn thing Victory. To give your whole life and soul 
into the keepin' of somebody else. To place all your 
hopes, and all your happiness in another human bein' 
as a woman will. A true woman if she loves truly, 
never gives half of her heart or three quarters, she 
gives it all. She never asks how much shall I get 
back in money and housen and finery ? or whether 
she could do better in another direction. No ; True 
Love is a river that runs onward askin' no questions of 
anybody, sweepin' right on with a full heart. And 
where does that river empty Theodore and Victory ?" 
They both looked as solemn as a protracted 
meetin', almost, as I looked at 'em, first one, then the 
other, through my specs; but they didn't reply. 
Says I, in a deep solemn tone, the name of the place 
where that river emptys is Eternity." Says I, That 
river of True Love as it flows through the world gets 
riley sometimes, by the earthly mud on its banks. 
Sometimes it gets mad and precipitates itself over 
precipices, and sometimes it seemin'ly turns back- 
ward a spell. But in its heart it knows where it 
is bound for, it keeps on growin' broader, and 
deeper, and quieter like, and as it jines the ocian 
it leaves all its mud on the banks, for God cleanses it, 
and makes it pure as the pure waters it flows into." 



332 NOT TO MARRY, MORE SOLEMN. 

I felt real eloquent as I said this, and it seemed to 
impress 'em as I wanted it to. They both of 'em 
have got good faces. Though I didn't like their 
belief, I liked their looks. They looked sincere and 
honest. 

Agin I repeated, " Marriage is a solemn thing." 

I heard a deep sithe behind me, and a sorrowful 
voice exclaimed, 

" It is solemn then both ways, you say it is solemn 
to marry, and I know " — here was another deep sithe 
"I know it is solemn not to." It was Betsey, she was 
a thinkin' of the Editer of the Augur, and of Ebinee- 
zer, and of all the other dear gazelles, that lay cold and 
lifeless in her buryin' ground. I felt that I could not 
comfort her, and I was silent. Miss Woodhull is a 
M^ell bread woman, and so to kinder notice Betsey, 
and make talk with her, says she, 

" I believe you are the author of these lines 

' If wimmen had a mice's will, 
They would arise and get a bill ?' " 

" Yes " says Betsey, tryin' to pnt on the true mod- 
esty of jenieus look. 

Miss Woodhull said " she had heard it sung to sever- 
al free love conventions." 

" How true it is " says Betsey glancin' towards Mr. 
Tilton, " that deathless fame sometimes comes by rea- 
son of what you feel in your heart haint the best part 
of you. Now in this poem I speak hard of man, but 
I didn't feel it Miss Woodhull, I didn't feel it at the 



THEODORE GETS INTO DANGER. 333 

time, I wrote it jest for fame and to please Prof, 
Guslieh. I love men " says she, glancin' at Mr. Til- 
ton's handsome face, and hitcliin' her chair up closer 
to his' en. 

" I almost worship 'em." 

Theodore began to look uneasy, for Betsey had sot 
down close by the side of him and says she, 

" Did you ever read the soul stirrin' lines that Miss 
"Woodhull refers to, I will rehearse them to you, and 
also three others of 25 verses apeice M'hicli I have 
wrote since on the same subject." 

I see a cold sweat begin to break on his M'hitc and 
almost marble forward, and with a agitated move he 
ketched out his watch and says he, 

"I have a engagement." 

Says Betsey, beseechin'ly layin' her hand on his 
coat sleeve, " 1 can rehearse them in 26 or 27 minutes, 
and oh how sweet your sympathy would be to me, let 
me repeat them to you deah man." 

A haggard look crept into his handsome ej^es, and 
says he, wildly turnin' 'em away, " It is a case of 
life and death," and he hurried to the door. 

But Betsey started up and got ahead of him, she 
got between him and the door, and says she, " I will 
let you off about hearin' the poetry — but oh ! listen to 
my otheh prayer." 

" I wont listen to your prayer," says be, firmly. 

" In the name of the female wimmen of America 



834 BETSEY'S PRAYEK. 

who worship you so, pause, and heah my prayer." 

He paused deeply agitated, and says he. " In their 
name I will hear you, what is your request Betsey 
Bobbet «" 

She clasped her hands in a devotional way, and with 
as beseechin' and almost heart meltin' a look as a dog 
will give to a bone held above its head, she murmured, 

'• A lock of youh haih deah man, that I may look at 
it when the Avorld looks hollow to me, a lock of youh 
haih to make my life path easier to me." 

I turned my spectacles on which principle sot en- 
throned, towards 'em, and listened in awful deep inter- 
est to see how it would end. Would he yield or not ? 
He almost trembled. But finally he spoke. 

" Never ! Betsey Bobbet ! never !" and he continued 
in low, agitated tones, " I have got jest enough to 
look well now." 

My heart throbbed proudly, to see him comin' so 
nobly through the hot furnace of temptation, without 
bein' scorched. To see him bein' lifted up in the 
moral steelyards, and found full weight to a notch. 
But alas ! Jest as small foxes will gnaw into a grape 
vine, jest so will dangerous and almost loose principles 
gnaw into a noble and upright nature unbeknown to 
them. 

Agin Betsey says in harrowin' tones, at the same 
time ketchin' holt of his coat skirts wildly, 



THEODORE YIELDS TO TEMPTATION. 



335 



" If you can't part with any more, give me one haih, 
to make my life path smootheh." 

Alas ! that my spectacles was ever bought to witneRP 




the sad sight. For with a despairin', agonized coun- 
tenance such as Lucifer, son of Mr. Mornin' might 
have wore as he fell doun, Theodore plucked a hair 
out of his foretop, threw it at Betsey's feet, and rushed 
out doors. Betsey with a proud, haughty look, picked 
it up, kissed it a few times, and put it into her port- 
money. 

But I sithed. 

I hadn't no heart to say anything more to Yictory. 
I bid her farewell. But after we got out in the street, 
I kept a sithin'. 
14 



A WIMMEN'S RIG-HTS' LECTURER. 



AS we wended our way back to Miss Asters'es to 
dinner, Betsey said she guessed after all she would 
c-o and take dinner to her cousin Ebeneezer's, for her 
Pa hadn't give her much money. Says she, 

" I hate to awfully. It is revoltin' to all the fineh 
feelings of my nature to take dinneh theah, afteh I 
liave been so — " she stopped suddenly, and then went 
on agin. " But Pa didn't make much this yeah, and 
he didn't give me much money, he nor Ma wouldn't 
have thought they could have paid my faih heah on 
the cars, if they hadn't thought certain, that Ebeneezah's 
wife would be took from us, and I — should do niy 
duty by coming. So I guess I will go theah and get 
dinneh." 

Thinks'es I to myself, " If your folks had brought 

you up to emanual labor, if they had brought you up 

to any other trade only to get married, you might 

have money enough of your own to buy one dinner 
336 



I RECEIVE A VISIT. 837 

independent, witlioiit dependin' on some man to earn 
it for yon." But I didn't say notliin', but proceeded 
onwards to the tavern where I put up. When I got 
there I met Johnothan Beane'es ex wife, and says she, 

" Oil, I forgot, there is a lady here that wanted to 
see you when you got back." 

" Who is it," says I. 

"It is a female lectiirer on wimmen's rights," 
says she. 

Well, says I, " Principle before vittles, is my theme, 
fetch her on." 

Says she, " Go into your room and I'll tell her you 
have come, and bring her there. She is awful anx- 
ious to see you." 

Well, says I, " I'm visible to the naked eye, she 
won't have to take a telescope," and in this calm state 
of mind I went into my room and waited for her. 

Pretty soon she came in. 

Jonothan Beans'es ex w^ife introduced us, and then 
went out. I rose up and took holt of her hand, but 
I give it a sort of a cations shake, for I didn't Bke 
her looks. Of all the painted, and frizzled, and 
ruffled, and humped up, and laced down critters I 
ever see, she was the cap sheaf. She had a hump on 
her back bigger than any camel's I ever see to a 
managery, and no three wimmen ever grew the hair 
that critter had piled on to her head. 

I see she was dissapointed in my looks. She looked 



338 ON A LECTURE TOWER. 

dreadful kinder scornful down onto my plain alpaca, 
wliich was made of a sensible length, Her's hung 
down on the carpet. I'll bet there was more'n a 
bushel basket of puckers and ruffles that trailed down 
on to the floor behind her, besides all there was on th« 
skirt and waist. 

She never said a word about my dress, but I see 
she looked awful scornful on to it. But she went on 
to talk about Wimmen's Rights, and I see she was 
one of the wild eyed ones, that don't use no reason. 
I see here was another chance for me to do good — to 
act up to principle. And as she give another humili- 
atin' look onto my dress, I become fully determined 
in my own mind, that I wouldn't shirk out from doin' 
my duty by her, and tell her jest what I thought of 
her looks. She said she had just returned from a 
lecturin' tower out in the Western States, and that 
she had addressed a great many audiences, and had 
come pretty near gettin' a "Wimmen's Eight's Gover- 
nor chosen in one of the States. She got to kinder 
preachin' after a while, and stood lookin' up towards 
the cealin', and her hands stretched out as if she was 
a lecturin'. Says she, 

" Tyrant man shan't never rule us." Says I, " I 
haint no objection to your makin' tyrant man better, 
if you can — there is a chance for improvement in 
'em— but while we are handlin' ' motes,' sister, let us 
remember that we have got considerable to do in the 
line of ' beams.' " Says I, " To see a lot of immortal 



TYRANT MAN ATTACKED. 341 

wimmen together, sometimes, you would think the 
Lord had forgot to put any brains into their heads, 
but had filled it all up with dress patterns, and gossip, 
and beaux, and tattan," 

" Tyrant man has encouraged this weakness of 
intellect. He has for ages made woman a plaything ; 
a doll ; a menial slave. He has encouraged her weak- 
ness of comprehension, because it flattered his self 
love and vanity, to be looked up to as a superior 
bein'. He has enjoyed her foolishness." 

" 'No doubt there is some truth in what you say, 
sister, but them days are past. A modest, intelligent 
woman is respected and admired now, more than a 
fool. It is so in London and New York village, 
and" says I with some modesty, "it is so in 
Jonesville." 

" Tyrant man," begun the woman agin. "Tyrant 
man thinks that wimmen are weak, slavish idiots, that 
don't know enough to vote. But them tyrants will 
find themselves mistaken." 

The thought that Josiah was a man, came to me 
then as it never had before. And as she looked down 
from the cealin' a minute on to my dress with that 
scornful mene, principle nerved me up to give her a 
piece of my mind. 

Says I, " No wonder men don't think that we know 
enough to vote when they see the way some wimmen 
rig themselves out. "Why says I, a bachelder that had 
always kept house in a cave, that had read about both 



342 



A SUPPOSABLE DRESS. 



and liadn't never seen neither, would as soon take you 
for a dromedary as a woman." 

She turned round quicker'n liglitnin', and as she 
did so, I see her hump pLiiner'n ever. 
Says she, " Do you want to insult me ? " 
" No," says I, " my intentions are honorable, mom." 
" But," says I, puttin' the question plain to her, 
" would you vote for a man, that had his pantaloons 

made with trails 
to 'em danglin' on 
the ground, and 
his vest drawed in 
to the bottom tight 
enough to cut him 
into, and his coat 
tails humj^ed out 
with a bustle, and 
somebody else's 
hair pinned on the 
back of his head ? 
Wonld you ?" says 
I solemnly fixin' 
my spectacles 
keenly onto her 
face. " Much as I 
respect and honor Horace Greeley, if that pure- 
minded and noble man should rig himself out with a 
bustle and trailin' pantaloons, I wouldn't vote for him, 
and Josiali shouldn't neither." 




HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT? 



A CURE FOR PANTIN' HEARTS. 343 

But she went right on without mindin' me — " Man 
has always tried to dwarf our intellects ; cramp our 
souls. The sore female heart pants for freedom. It 
is sore ! and it pants." 

Her eyes was rolled up in her head, and she had 
lifted both hands in a eloquent way, as she said this, 
and I had a fair view of her waist, it wasn't much 
bigger than a pipe's tail. And I says to her in a low, 
friendly tone. " Seein' we are only females present, 
let me ask you in a almost motherly way, when your 
heart felt sore and pantin' did you ever loosen your 
cosset strings ? Why," says I, " no wonder your 
heart feels sore, no wonder it pants, the only wonder 
is, that it don't get discouraged and stop beatin' at all." 

She wanted to waive oif the subject, I knew, for 
she rolled up her eyes higher than ever, and agin she 
began " Tyrant man " — 

Agin I thought of Josiah, and agin I interrupted 
her by sayin' " Men haint the worst critters in the 
world, they are as generous and charitable agin, as 
wimmen are, as a general thing." 

" Then what do you want wimmen to vote for, if 
you think so ? ' 

"Because I want justice done to every human 
bein'. Justice never hurt nobody yet, and rights 
given through courtesy and kindness, haint so good 
in the long run, as rights given by law. And besides, 
there are exceptions to every rule. There are mean 
men in the world as well as good ones. Justice to 



34:4 A STAR OF HOPE. 

^^dmmen won't prevent charitable men from beiu' 
charitable, generous men from bein' generous, and 
good men from bein' good, while it will restrain 
selfishness and tyrany. One class was never at the 
iriercy of another, in any respect, without that 
power bein' abused in some instances, Wimmen 
bavin' thfe right to vote haint a goin' to turn the 
world over to once, and make black, white, in a 
minute, not by no means. But I sincerely believe 
it will bring a greater good to the female race and 
to the world." 

Says I, in my most eloquent way, " There is a 
Star of hope a risin' in the East for wimmen. Let 
us f oiler on after it through the desert of the present 
iime, not with our dresses trailin' down onto the 
sandy ground, and our waists lookin' like pismires, 
,ind our hair frizzled out like maniacs. Let us go 
with our own hair on our heads, soberly, decently, 
and in order; let us behave ourselves in such a 
sober, christian way, that we can respect ourselves^ 
and then men will respect us." 

" I thought " says she, that you was a pure Wim- 
inen's Kighter! I thought you took part with us 
in our warfare with our foeman man! I thought 
you was a firm friend to wimmen, but I find I am 
mistaken." 

" I am a friend to wimmen," says I, "and because 
I am, I don't want her to make a natural born fool 
of herself. And I say agin, I don't wonder some- 



DRESS AND STATESMANSHIP. 



345 



times, tliat men don't tliiak that wimmen know 
enongh to vote, when they see 'em go on. If a 
woman don't know enongh to make a dress so slie 
can draw a long breath in it, how is she goin' to 
take deep and broad views of pnbHc affairs ? If 
she pnts 30 yards of calico into a dress, besides the 
trimmin's, how is she goin' to preach acceptably on 
political economy? If her face is covered with 




FKMALE STATESMANSHIP. 



paint, and her curls and frizzles all danglin' down 

onto her eyes, how can she look straight and keenly 

into foreign nations and see our relations there ? If 
14* 



346 A DINNER AND A DESERT. 

a woman don't know enough to keep lier dresB out 
of tlie mud, how is she goin' to steer the nation 
through the mud puddle of politics? If a woman 
humps herself out, and makes a camel of herself, 
how is she goin' through the eye of a needle ? " 

I said these last words in a real solemn camp meetin' 
tone, but they seemed to mad her, for she started 
right up and went out, and I didn't care a cent if she 
did, I had seen enough of her. She ketched her trail 
in the door and tore oif pretty nigh a yard of it, and 
I didn't cry about that, not a mite. I don't like these 
bold brazen faced wimmen that go a rantin' round the 
country, rigged out in that way, jest to make them- 
selves notorious. Thier names hadn't ought to be 
mentioned in the same day, with true earnest wimmen 
who take thier reputations in thier hands, and give 
thier lives to the cause of Right, goin' ahead walkin' 
afoot through the wilderness, cuttin' down trees, and 
diggin' out stumps, makin' a path for the car of Free- 
dom, that shall yet roll onward into Liberty. 

As soon as she was gone, I went down and eat my 
dinner, for I was hungry as a bear. At the dinner 
table Jonothan Beans'es ex wife asked me " what I 
would like for desert." 

I told her " I hadn't turned my mind much that 
way, for I hadn't no idee of goin' into the desert busi- 
ness, I wouldn't buy one any way, and I wouldn't 
take one as a gift if I had got to settle down, and live 



DECroE TO GO SHOPPIN'. 347 

on it. But from what I had heard Thomas Jefferson 
read about it, I thought the desert of Sarah was 
about as roomy and raised as much sand to the acre 
as any of 'em." 

Says she, turnin' the subject, " will you have pie or 
puddin'." 

I couldn't see then, and I have thought about it lots 
sense, I don't see what started her off onto Gography 
all of a sudden. 

After dinner I thought I would rest a spell. My 
talk with that female lecturer had tired me out. Prin- 
ciple is dreadful tuckerin' to any body, when you 
make it a stiddy business. I had rather wash, any 
time, than to go off on a tower of it as I was. So I 
went to my room and sot down real comfortable. 
But I hadn't sot more'n a minute and a half, when 
Betsey Bobbet came, and nothin' to do, but I must go 
to Stewarts'es store with her. I hung back at first, 
but then I happened to think, if Alexander should 
hear — as of course he would — that I had been to the 
village and hadn't been to liis shop, he would have 
reason to feel hurt. Alexander is a real likely man, 
and I didn't want to hurt his feelin's, and it haint 
my way to want to slight anybody. And then I had 
a little tradin' I wanted to do. So take it all together, 
I finally told Betsey I would go with her. 



ALEXANDER'S STORE. 



I HAD heard it was conBiderable of a store, bnt 
good land ! it was bigger than all the shops of 
Jonesville put together, and 2 or 3 10 acre lots, and a 
few meetin' honsen. But I wouldn't have aeted 
skairt, if it had been as big as all Africa. I walked 
in as cool as a cowcmnber. We sot down pretty nigh 
to the door and looked round a spell. Of all the 
sights of folks there was a comin' in all the time, 
and shinin' counters all down as fur as we could see, 
and slick lookin' fellers behind every one, and lots of 
boys runnin' round, that they called " Cash." I says 
to Betsey, 

"Wliat a large family of boys Mr. Cash'es folks 
have got, and they must some of 'em be twins, they 
seem to be about of a size." 

I was jest thinkin' in a pityin way of their mother : 

poor Mrs. Cash, and how many pantaloons she would 

have to put new seats into, in slidin' down hill time, 

when Betsey says to me, 

348 



THE PRICE OF EGGS AND BUTTER. 349 

" Josiali Allen's wife, hadn't you better be pur- 
chasing your merchandise ? " Says she, " I will 
set here and rest 'till you get through, and as deah 
Tuppah remarked, ' study human nature.' " She didn't 
have no book as I could see to study out of, but I 
didn't make no remarks, Betsey is a curious critter, 
anyway. I went up to the first counter — there was a • 
real slick lookin' feller there, and I asked him in a 
cool tone, " If Mr. Stewart took eggs, and what they 
was a fetchin' now ? " 

He said " Mr. Stewart don't take eggs." 

" Well," says I, " what does he give now for butter 
in the pail?" 

He said " Mr. Stewart don't take butter." 

" Well," says I, in a dignified way, " It haint no 
matter, I only asked to see what they was a fetchin' 
here. I haint got any with me, for I come on a 
tower." I then took a little roll out of my pocket, 
and undone 'em. It was a pair of socks and a pair of 
striped mittens. And I says to him in a cool, calm 
way, 

" How much is Mr. Stewart a pay in' for socks and 
mittens now. I know they are kinder out of season 
now, but there haint no danger but what Winter will 
come, if you only wait long enough." 

He said " we don't take em." 

I felt dissapointed, for I did want Alexander to 
have 'em, they was knit so good. I was jest thinkin' 



350 



INDIGO BLUE S0CK3 AND MITTENS. 



this over, when he spoke up agin, and says he, " we 
don't take barter of no kind." I didn't know really 
what he meant, but I answered him in a blind way, 
that it was jest as well as if they did, as fur as I was 
concerned, for we hadn't raised any barter that year, 
it didn't seem to be a good year for it," and then I 
continued on — " Mebl)y Mr. Stewart would take these 
pocks and mittens for his own use." Says I, " do you 




DON T TAKE BARTER. 



know whether Alexander is well off for socks and 
mittens or not ? " 

The clerk said " he guessed Mr. Stewart wasn't 
sufferin' for 'em." 

" Well," says I in a dignified way, " you can do as 
you are a mind to about takin' 'em, but they are 
colored in a good indigo blue dye, they haint pusley 
color, and they are knit on honor, jest as I knit 
Josiah's." 



A LOOK AT CALICOS. 351 

" Who is Josiali ? " says the clerk. 

Says I, a sort of blindly, " He is the husband of 
Josiah Allen's wife." 

I woiild't say right out, that I was Josiah Allen's 
wife, because I wanted them socks and mittens to 
stand on their own merits, or not at all. I wasn't 
goin' to have 'em go, jest because one of the first 
wimmen of the day knit 'em. .Keither was I goin' to 
hang on, and tease him to take 'em. I never said 
another word about his buyin' 'em, only mentioned in 
a careless way, that " the heels was run." But he 
didn't seem to want 'em, and I jest folded 'em up, 
and in a cool way put 'em into my j^ocket. I then 
asked to look at his calicos, for I was pretty near 
decided in my own mind to get a apron, for I wasn't 
goin' to have him think that all my property lay in 
that pair of socks and mittens. 

He told me where to go to see the calicos, and 
there was another clerk behind that counter. I didn't 
like his looks a bit, he was real uppish lookin'. But 
I wasn't goin' to let him mistrust that I was put to 
my stumps a bit. I walked up as collected lookin' as 
if I owned the whole caboodle of 'em, and New York 
village, and Jonesville, and says I, 

" I want to look at your calicos." 

" What prints will you look at ? " says he, meanin' 
to put on me. 

Says I, " I don't want to look at no Prince," says I, 



352 FOREIGN PRINCES. 

" I had ruther see a free born American citizen, than 
all the foreign Princes you can bring out." Says I, 
*' Americans make perfect fools of themselves in my 
mind, a runnin' after a parcel of boys, whose only 
merit is, they happened to be born before thier 
brothers and sisters was." Says I, " If a baby is born 
in a meetin' house, it don't make out that he is born a 
preacher. A good smart American boy like Thomas 
Jefferson, looks as good to me as any of your 
Princes." I said this in a noble, lofty tone, but after 
a minute's thought I went on, 

" Though, if you have got a quantity of Princes 
here, I had as lives see one of Victory's boys, as 
any of 'em. The widder Albert is a good house- 
keeper, and a first-rate calculator, and a woman that 
has got a Eight. I set a good deal of store by the 
widder Albert, I always thought I should like to get 
acquainted with her, and visit back and forth, and 
neighbor with her." 

I waited a minute, but he didn't make no move 
towards showin' me any Prince. But, says he, 

" What kind of calico do you want to look at ? " 

I thought he come off awful sudden from Princes 
to calico, but I didn't say nothin'. But I told him " I 
would like to look at a chocklate colored ground 
work, with a set flower on it." 

" Shan't I show you a Dolly Yarden," says he. 

I see plainly that he was a tryin' to impose on me, 



DOLLY VARDEN. 353 

talkin' about Princes and Dolly Varden, and says I 
with dignity, 

" If I want to make Miss Varden's acquaintance, I 
can, without askin' you to introduce me. But," I 
continued coldly, "I don't care about gettin' ac- 
quainted with Miss Yarden, I have heard her name 
talked over too much in the street. I am afraid she 
haint a likely girl. I am afraid she haint such a girl 
as I should want my Tirzah Ann to associate with. 
Ever sense I started from Jonesville I have heard that 
girl talked about." ' There is Dolly Yarden ! ' and 
' Oh look at Dolly Yarden ! ' I have heard it I bet 
more' a hundred times sense I sot out. And it seems 
to me that no modest girl would be traipsin' all over 
the coimtry alone, for I never have heard a word 
about old Mr. and Miss Yarden, or any of the Yarden 
boys. Not that it is anything out of charicter to go off 
on a tower. I am off" on a tower myself," says I, with 
quite a good deal of dignity, "but it don't look 
well for a young girl like her, to be streamin' round 
alone. I wish I could see old Mr. and Miss Yarden, 
I would advise the old man and woman to keep 
Dolly at home, if they have any regard for her good 
name. Though I'm afraid," I repeated, lookin' at 
him keenly over my specs, " I'm afraid it is too late 
for me to interfere, I am afraid she haint a likely 
girl." 

His face was jest as red as blood. But he tried to 



354 



DOLLT VARDEN'S ACQUAINTANCE. 



turn it off with a langli. And he said somethin' 
about her " bein' the style," and " bein' gay," or some- 
thin'. But I jest stopped him pretty quick. Says I, 
givin' him a awful searchin' look, 

"I think jest as much of Dolly as I do of hei- 

most intimate 
friends, male or 
female." 

He pretended to 
turn it off with a 
^ laugh. But I 
know a guilty con- 
\ science when I see 
"^^ it as quick as any- 
z body. I haint one 
^^ to break a bruised 
reed more than 
once into. And 
, my spectacles 
5 beamed more 
POLLY vAimEK. iTiildly outo him, 

and I says to him in a kind l)ut firm manner. 

" Young man, if I was in your place, I would drop 
Dolly Yarden's acquaintance." Says I, " I advise you 
for your own good, jest as I would Thomas Jefferson." 
" Who is Thomas Jefferson ? " says he. 
Says I, in a cautious tone, " He is Josiah Allen's 
child, by his first wife, and the own brother of Tirzah 
Ann." 




A DREADFUL DISCOVERY. S55 

I then laid my hand on a piece of choklate ground 
calico, and says I, " This suits me pretty well, but I 
have my doubts," says I, examinin' it closer through 
my specs, I " mistrust it will . fade some. What is 
your opinion ?" says I, speakin' to a elegantly dressed 
woman by my side, who stood there with her rich 
silk dress a trailin down on the floor, 

" Do you suppose this calico will wash mom ?" 

I was so busy a rubbin' the calico to see if it was 
firm cloth, that I never looked up in her face at all. 
But when I asked her for the third time, and she 
did'nt speak, I looked up in her face, and I liaint 
come so near faintin' sence I was united to Josiah 
Allen. That woman'' s head was off! 

The clerk see that I was overcome by somethin', 
and says he, " what is the matter ?" 

I could'nt speak, but I pinted with my forefinger 
stiddy at that murdered woman. I guess I had 
pinted at her pretty nigh half a minute, when 1 found 
breath and says I, slowly turnin' that extended finger 
at him, in so burnin' indignant a way, that if it had 
been a spear, he would have hung dead on it. 

" That is pretty doin's in a Christian country !" 

His face turned red as blood agin — and looked all 
swelled up, he was so mortified. And he murmured 
somethin' about her " bein' dumb," or a " dummy " 
or somethin' — but I interrupted him — and says I, 

" I guess you would be dumb yourself if your 
head was cut off." Says I, in awful sarcastic tones, 



356 BETSEY PROPOSES TO SELL POETRt. 

" It would be pretty apt to make any body dumb." 

Then he explaned it to me. That it was a wooden 
figger, to hang thier dresses and mantillys on. And 
I cooled down and told him I would take a yard and 3 
quarters of the calico, enough for a honorable apron. 

Says he, " We don't sell by retail in this room." 

I give that clerk then a piece of my mind. I asked 
him how many aprons he supposed Tirzah Ann and I 
stood in need of ? 1 asked him if he supposed we was 
entirely destitute of aprons ? And I asked him in a 
aAvful sarcastic tone if he had a idee that Josiah and 
Thomas Jefferson wore aprons ? Says I, "any body 
would think you did." Says I, turnin' aAvay awful 
dignified, " when I come agin I will come when Al- 
exander is in the store himself." 

I joined Betsey by the door, and says I, "Less go 
on to once." 

"But " says she, to me in a low mysterious voice ; 
" Josiah Allen's wife, do you suppose they would 
want to let me have a straw colored silk dress, and 
take thier pay in poetry ?" 

Says I, for the land's sake Betsey, don't try to sell 
any poetry here. I am wore out. If they wont take 
any sacks and mittens, or good butter and eggs, I 
know they wont take poetry." 

She argued a spell with me, but I stood firm, for 
I wouldn't let her demean herself for nothin'. And 
finally I got her to go on. 



A HARROWIN' OPERATION. 



ALL I could do and say, Betsey would keep a goin' 
into one store after another, and I jest trailed 
round with her 'till it was pitch dark. Finally after 
arguin' I got her headed towards her cousin's. 

It was as late as half past eight when I got back to 
Miss Asters' es. As I went by the parlor door, 1 heard a 
screechin' melankoly hoUerin'. Thinks'es I to my- 
self, " somebody's hurt in there, some female I should 
think, by the voice." I thought at first I wouldn't 
interfere, as there Avas enough to take her part, for the 
room seemed to be chuck full. So I was goin' on up 
to my room, when it come to my ears agin, louder 
and more agonii^in' than ever. I couldn't stand it. 
As a female who was devoted to the cause of Right, 
I, felt that in the behalf of my sect I would see what 
could be done. I kinder squeezed my way in, up 
towards the sound, and pretty soon I got where I 
could see her. Then I knew she was crazy. 

She looked bad. Her dress seemed to be nice silk, 
357 



358 



A POOR MANIAC. 



but it jest hung on to her shoulders, and she had 
strung a lot of beads and things round her neck — you 
know how such poor critters Avill rig themselves out— - 
and she liad tore at her hair so she had got it all 
streaniin, down her neck. Her face was deathly 
white, only in the middle of her clieeks tliere was a 




A IIAHROWIN SCENE, 



feverish spot of fire red. Her eyes was rolled up in 
her head. She looked real bad. 

She had got to the piano in some way, and there 
she set a poundin' it, and yellin'. Oh how harrowin' 
it was to the nerves, it made my heart almost ache to 



AN AFFECTIN' SIGHT. 359 

see iier. There was a good many nicely dressed 
wJTnmen and men in the room and some of 'em 
was leanin' over the poor girl's shoulders, a lookin' at 
her hands go, and some of them wimmen's dresses 
was hangin' down oif their shoulders, so that I 
thought they must have been kinder strugglin' with 
the maniac and got 'em all pulled down and torn open, 
and they looked most as crazy as she did. 

The poor girl didn't know a word she was sayin' but 
she kep a mutterin' over somethin' to herself in a 
unknown tongue. There wasn't no words to it. But 
poor thing, she didn't sense it. Some of the time she 
would be a smilin' to herself, and go on a mutterin' 
kinder low, and then her worse fits seemed to come 
on in spasms, and she would go to poundin' the ]3iano 
and yellin'. And I see by the way her hands went 
that she had got another infirmity too. I see she had 
got Mr. Yitus'es dance. It was a sad sight indeed. 

As I see the poor thing set there Avith her dress 
most off of her, jest a hangin' on her shoulders, right 
there before so many men, I though to myself, what 
if was my Tirzah Ann tliere in that condition. But 
one thing I know as long as Josiah Allen's wife lived, 
she wouldn't go a wanderin' round liaK naked, to be 
a laughin' stock to the community. I took it so right 
to myself, I kep a thinkin' so, what if it was our Tirzah 
Ann, that there wasn't hardly a dry eye in my head. 
And I turned to a bystanter, standin' by my side, and 



360 AN EAR FOR MUSIC. 

says I to liim in a voice almost choked down with 
emotion, 

" Has the poor thing been so long ? Can't she get 
any help ?" 

Jest that minute she begun to screech and pound 
louder and more harrowin' than ever, and I says in 
still more sorrowful accents, with my spectacles bent 
pityin'ly on her, 

" It seems to come on by spasms, don't it ?" 

She kinder held up in her screechin' then, and went 
at her mutterin' agin in that unknown tongue, and he 
heard me, and says he, 

« Beautiful ! hain't it ?" 

That madded me. I give that man a piece of my 
mind. I told him plainly that it " was bad enougli 
to have such infirmities without bein' made a public 
circus of. And I didn't have no opinion of anybody 
that enjoyed such a scene and made fun of such poor 
critters." 

He looked rfeal pert, and said somethin' about my 
" not havin' a ear for music." 

That madded me agin. And says I, " Young man, 
tell me that I hain't got any ears agin if you dare !" 
.and I ontied my bonnet strings, and hfted up the cor- 
ner of my head dress. Says I, " "What do you call 
that ? If that hain't a ear, what is it ? And as for 
music, I guess I know what music is, as well as any- 
body in this village." Says I, " you ought to hear 



TIRZAH ANN AS A MUSICIAN. 361 

Tirzali Ann sing jest between daylight and dark, if 
you want to hear music." Says I," her organ is a good 
soundin' one everybody says. It ought to be, for we 
turned off a good two year old colt, and one of our 
best cows for it. And when she pulls out the trem- 
blin' stopple in front of it, and plays psalm tunes Sun- 
day nights jest before sundown, with the shadders 
of the mornin' glory vines a tremblin' all over her, as 
she sings old Corinth, and Hebron, I have seen Josiah 
look at her and listen to her till he had to pull out his 
red bandanna handkerchief and wipe his eyes." 

" "Who is Josiah ?" says he. 
Says I, " It is Tirzah Ann's father." And I eon- 
tinued goin' on with my subject. " 'No medder lark 
ever had a sweeter voice than our Tirzah Ann. And 
when she sings about the ' Sweet fields that stand 
dressed in livin' green,' she sings it in such a way, 
that you ahnost feel ae if you had waded through the 
' swellin flood,' and was standin' in them heavenly 
medders. Tell me I never heard piusic ! Ask Whit- 
field Minklcy whether Tirzah Ann can sing Aima 
Lowery or not, on week day evenin's, and old Mr. 
Robin Grey. Ask Whitfield Minkley, if you don't 
believe me. He is a minister's only son, and he 
hadn't ought to lie." 

The little conceited feller's face looked as red as a 
beet. He was a poor lookin' excuse any way, a uppish, 
dandyfied lookin' chap, with his moustache turned up 



362 A SENSIBLE MAN. 

at the corners, and twisted out lik« a waxed end. lie 
pretended to laugh, hut he showed signs of mortifica- 
tion, as plain as I ever see it. And he put up his 
specs, and I'll be lianged if he liadn't broke one eje 
ofFen 'em, and looked at me tlirough it. But I wasn't 
daAvnted hj him, not a bit. I didn't care how close 
he looked at me. Josiali Allen's wife hain't afraid 
to be examined through a double baiTeled telescope. 

Just then a good lookin' man with long sensible 
whisk-era and moustache, haiigiu' the Avay the Lord 
meant 'em to, and who had come up while I was a 
speakin' this last — spoke to me and says he, 

" I am like you madam, I like ballads better than I 
do opera music for the parlor." 

I didn't really knoAv what he meant, but he looked 
good and sensible lookin' and so says I in a blind way, 

" Yos like as not." 

Says he, " I am very partial to those old songs you 
have mentioned." 

Says I " They can't be bettered." 

Before I could say another word, that poor crazy 
thing begun agin, to yell, and pound and screech, 
and I says to him, 

" Poor thing ! couldn't there be somethin' done for 
her? If her mind can't be restored, can't she get help 
for Mr. Yitus'es dance ?" 

And then he explained it to me, he said she wasn't 
crazy, and didn't have Mr. Yitus'es dance. He said 



THE OPERATION OF THE— DAVID. 363 

slie was a very ftishionable young lady and it was a 
opera she was singin'." 

" A operation," says I sithin' " I should think as 
much ! I should think it was a operation ! It is a 
operation I don't want to see or hear agin," And 
says I anxiously, " Is it as hard on everybody as it is 
on her ? Does everybody have the operation as hard 
as she has got it ?" 

He kinder smiled, and turned it oIT by sayin' " It 
is the opera of Fra Diovoler 

" Brother Devel " says the conceited little chap 
with the waxed end moustache. 

" ' The Operation of the " ' on account of my 

connection with the M. E, church, says I, "I will call 
it David." But they both knew what I meant. " The op- 
eration ()f the — the David. I should think as much." 

And I don't know as I was ever more thankful 
than I was when I reflected how my pious M. E. pa- 
rents had taught me how to shun that place of awful 

torment where the David makes it his home. 

For a minute these feelin's of thankfuhiess swallered 
these other emotions almost down. But then as I 
took another thought, it madded me to think that 
likely folks should bo tormented by it on earth. 
And I says to the little feller with the waxed end 
moustache, 

" If that operation is one of the torments that the 

the David keeps to torment the wicked with, it 

is a burnin' shame that it should be used beforehand, 



364 FAREWELL TO MISS ASTERS'ES. 

here on earth, to torment other Christian folks with. 

I didn't wait for him to answer, but I turned 
round with a real lot of dignity, and sailed out of the 
room. It was with a contented and happy feelin' the 
next mornin' that I collected together my cap box, 
and spectacle case, packed my satchel bag with my 
barred muslin night cap and night gown, and put my 
nmberella into its gingham sheath (for it was a pleas- 
ant mornin') and set, as you may say, my face home- 
wards. I thought I would proceed right from Hor- 
ace's to the depott, and not come back agin to Miss 
Aster'ses. I paid my bill with a calm demeaner, 
though it galled me to see 'em ask such a price, 

Jonothan Bcans'es ex wife seemed to hate to have 
me go, she is one that don't forget the days when she 
first went to grass. I told her to tell Miss Aster just 
how it was, that I felt as if I must go, for Josiah 
would be expectin' me. But I would -love to stay 
and get acquainted with her. But she had so much 
on her hands, such a gang to cook for, that I knew 
she didn't have no time to visit with nobody. And I 
told her to be sure and tell Miss Aster, that she 
mustn't feel particuler at all because we hadn't visited 
together — but she must pay me a visit jest the same. 
Then I sent my best respects to Mr. Aster and tho 
boys, and then I set out. Jest by the front door I 
met Betsey, and we both set sail for Horace's. 



A VISIT TO HORACE. 



IT was witli a beatin' heart that £ stood at the door 
of the shop where Horace'es papers are made. And 
though he haint printed 'em alone since he was rnn 
up, as he did more formally, they told me I would be 
apt to find him at his old office. 

I was jest a goin' to knock when a boy came out, 
and says I, 

" Bub, I want to see Horace." 

" Horace who ?" says he. 

" Horace Greeley," says I. 

" Wall " says he, '• I will take up your card." 

I see then that he was a tryin' to empose upon me. 
1 haint naturally warlike, but I can stand up on my 
dignity, straight as a cob when I set out. Says I, 

" I'll have you know that I am a member of the 
Methodist meetin' house." Says I, warmly, " I dont 
know one card from another, and I'm glad I dont. 
Says I, " I presume there are wimmin here in the 



366 ■ HORACE AT HOME. 

« « 

village, as old as I be, that set up to play cards till 9 
or 10 o'clock at night. But thank fortin' I haiut one 
of 'em." Says I, " Young man, I detest card plajin', 
it ends in gamblin'. Now" says I lirinly, "you 
jest tell me where Horace is, or I'll know the reason 
why !" 

lie see I was'nt to be trifled with, any more, He 
muttered somethin' about his not bearin' the blame. 
But he went up stairs, and we followed tight to his 
heels, and the minute he opened the door we went in. 
Horace had'nt dressed up much, for I sj^ose he did'nt 
expect us. But if he had been dressed up in pink 
silk throughout, it wouldn't have made no difference 
to my feelin's as I ketched sight of that noble and 
benign face, that peaceful innocent mouth, that high 
forward, with the hair a curlin' round tlie sides of it, 
like thin white clouds curlin' round the side of a 
mountain in Ingun summer. 

I use that iigger of speech, because his face looked 
on the mountain plan, firm, and grand and decided. 
And I put in the Ingun summer, because you know 
jest how a mountain will look standin' a considerable 
ways above you on the first of October — kind o' mel- 
low and peaceful and benign. But you realize all the 
time, that under all the green and shady growth 
of its mosses and evergreens, it has been growin' 
gradual but stiddy through the centuries. Under all 
that viel of shinin' blue gawze, wove out of mist one 



FIRST IMPRESSION OF HORACE. 367 

way, with a warp of sunshine, under all the mellow 
colerin' the time of the year 1ms give it, there is a 
good strong back bone of solid rock in the old moun- 
tain, that couldn't be broke by all the hammers in 
creation. 

That was jest my idee of his face, a mountain in 
Indgun summer, &cin' the sunrise. Standin' up so 
high that it ketches a light on its forward before the 
world below gets lit up. Firm, solid principles with 
the edge took off of 'em, and kinder topped off with 
the experiences, and gradual convictions and discover- 
ies of a noble life. And all softened down by the 
calmness and quiet of the time of day, and the fall of 
the 3^ear. That was the way Horace Greeley's face 
looked to me as I got a full view of it as he set to his 
desk a writin'. 

In the dead of night on my own peaceful goose 
feather bed at home, I had made a speech all up in 
my mind for that glorious occasion, when 2 firm and 
true principled minds should meet — which was Hor- 
ace's mind and mine. For though we conflict in some 
things, the good of the Human Race is as dear as our 
apples is, in our eyes. But at the first sight of that 
noble face, my emotions got up and overpowered me 
so, that I forgot every word <ji my speech, and all I 
could say was, in thick tones of f eelin' and principle, 

" Horace, I have come." 

His face grew almost black with fear and anger. 



8C8 NO PEACE FOR CANDIDATES. 

He sprang up, and waved me back with liis right 
hand and shouted to me, 

"It is in vain madam! you are the 94:th woman 
who has been here to-day after office. Female lob- 
Bteress depart ! Get thee behind me Sa — female I " 

Says I with deep emotion, " Horace you dont know 
me 1 I am not a female lobsteress ! I am Josiah 
Allen's wife." 

He came forward and shook hands with me, and 
says he, " I know you will excuse my vehemence, 
when I tell you, I am almost devoured by office seek- 
ers !" He cleared a path through the papers on the 
floor to some chairs, but as we set down, he continued 
in tremblin' tones, for it seemed as if he couldn't for- 
get his troubles, 

" Foxes and woodchucks have holes, but a candi- 
date for the Presidency can't find none small enough 
to hide in, I did, says he sithin deeply," I did 
have a few peaceful, happy hours in the suller of my 
dwellin' house ;" he paused, overcome by sad recolec- 
tions, and says I, deeply sympathizin' and interested, 

" What broke it up Horace ?" 

" They found the out door suller way ; so, says he 
sithin agin, I lost that peaceful haven." 

" Wall " says I, tryin' to soothe his agitation, 

" You're one in a high, noble place, Horace." 

"Yes!" says he, "but it places anybody under a 
very strong light — a very strong light. I have never 



MEN ALL ALIKE. 371 

done anything out of tlie way sense I was lirst born, 
but what I have seen it in the papers. I tore my 
pantaloons once," says he, gloomily, " in gettin' over 
the fence at the early age of 2 and a half, and I bit 
my mother once at the age of 7 months a nursin', I 
could wish these two errors of my past to be forgotten 
by the world and overlooked, but in vain. I am 
taunted with 'em on every side. I never threw a boot 
jack at a tom cat in the dead of the night, but what 
my picture has been took in the act, I never swore a 
oath to myself in the depths of my own stomach, but 
what I have seen that unspoken oath in the papers. I 
never jawed Mrs. Greeley about my shirt buttons," 
he continued, sadly, " in the depths of our secluded 
chamber, but what it has been illustrated with notes." 

As he spoke of jawin' about shirt buttons, I says to 
myself, " How much ! how much human nature is 
alike in all men," and I says aloud, 

" How much you remind, me of Josiah." 

" Of Josiah !'* says he, and that name seemed to 
make him remember himself, and to come nobly out 
of his gloqmy reflections. " Josiah, he is your hus- 
band ! Oh yes, Josiah Allen's wife ! I am glad to 
meet you, for although I couldn't comply with the 
request your letter contained, yet it convinced me 
that you are a sincere friend to the human race." 

" Yes," says I, " Horace, I am, and I want you to 

consider my request over agin." 
15* 



372 OPINION OF DARWIN'S IDEES. 

But he interrupted nie hurriedly, seemin, to want 
to turn my mind from that subject. 

" What do you think of Fourier's system, Josiah 
Allen's wifel" says he, lookin' at me languidly over 
his specks. 

Says I, " I never see Mr. Fourier. How can I tell 
you any thing about the old man's health, whether his 
system is all right, or whether he is en joy in' poor 
health. Horace, I come to talk with you on more 
important things." 

But he continued placidly, hopin' to draw my mind 
off, 

" What do you think of Darwin's idees ? " 

" Darwin who ?" says I. " Darwin Gowdey ? I don t 
know any other Darwin, and I never mistrusted that 
he had any idees, he is most a natural fool." 

Says he, " about our descendin from a monkey ?" 

Says I, with dignity, " I don't know how it is with 
you, but I know that I couldn't descend from a mon- 
key, never bein' on one's back in my whole life." 
Says I, " I never looked well in the saddle any way 
bein' so hefty. But," says I, in a liberal way, "if you, 
or anybody else wants to ride monkeys, you have the 
privilege, but I never had no leanin' that way." And 
agin, says I, in agitated tones, " you needn't try to 
take my mind oft'en the deep and momentous subject 
on which it is sot, by talkin' about ridin' monkeys. 
Horace I have come clear down here to the village on 



HORACE'S LETTER. 3Y3 

J)iirpose to ask you to examine your platform, and see 
if there hain't no loose boards in it where some of the 
citizens of the United States, such as wimmen can fall 
through. Platforms, that are built over the deep 
waters, ought to be sound, and every board ought to 
be nailed down tight, so that nobody — not even the 
smallest and weakest — can fall through and get drown- 
ded." Says I, " Your door step is most all good solid 
timber, but I feel there is one old, mouldy, worm 
eaten board that is loose in it." And with emotion 
renderin' my voice weak as a cat, says I, " Horace, I 
want you to examine your door step and lay down a 
new board, and I will help you do it. I come a pur- 
pose to." 

He see it was vain to turn the current of my 
thoughts round, and says he in a decided way, 

" You must have become aware of my views from 
the contents of my letter. You got my letter ?" says 
he in a enquirin' tone. 

" Yes," says I, " we have framed it and got a glass 
over it, jest because it was your writin', but there 
seemed to be a mistake in it ; it seemed to be wrote 
to Josiah." 

" Says he, " What did you make it out to be ?" 

Says I, " it seemed to run as f oilers — ' I don't want 
to purchase any more shoats.' " 

" Josiah did have a uncommon kind of pigs, and we 
thought mebby you had heard that Josiah wanted to 



874 THE SUBJECT REACHED AT LAST. 

sell you one, tliougli it was a mistake, for lie swapped 
a couple with Deacon Gowdey for a yearlin' lieifer, 
and lie didn't have no more left than he wanted to 
keep over." 

He said we didn't read it right. It read, ' I don't 
approve of any wimmen's votes.' And says he, leanin' 
back in his chair, " That is the ground I take, I don't 
believe in Wimmen's Rights. I don't see what rights 
they want — more'n they have now." 

Then I dove riglit into the subject that was the 
nearest to my heart (with the exception of Josiali) and 
says I, " Horace, we want the right of equal pay for 
equal labor. The right of not bein' taxed without 
representation. The right of not bein' compelled, if 
she is a rich woman, of lettin' her property go to sup- 
port public men, who are makiii' laws that are ruinin' 
them she loves best, such as givin' licences to ruin 
body and soul.%. Tho. right to stand by the side of all 
good and true soles in the nation, and tryin' to 
stop this evil spirit of intemperance and licentiousness 
that is runnin' rampant through the land. The right 
to—" 

I don't know how much longer I should have gone 
on, but in the noble forgetfulness of yourself that 
always accompanies genius, I had riz up, and by an 
unguarded wave of my right hand a wavin' in elo- 
quence I tipped over my umberell. Horace picked it 
up (he is a perfect gentleman at heart) a;nd sayB he, 



HORACE ADMITS WIMMEN'S ENERGY 3T5 

" Set down Josiali Allen's wife, don't fatigue yourself 
too much." 

Rememberin' myself, I sot down, and Horace, 
pensively wipin' his brow with his lead pencil, went 
on to say, 

" I admit there is some truth in what you say, Josiali 
Allen's wife. I admit, as a truthful man should, that 
whatever wimmen has laid thier hands to, such as 
churches, hospital work, foreign missionary work, 
ragged schools, Sunday schools, charity balls and 
fairs, and Good Templars, they have done more 
than men in thier efforts and good influence. They 
are more patient than men ; they are not so strong, 
but they are more persistent. When they once get a 
plan in thier heads, they are awful to hold on — if they 
can't accomplish it in one way, they will take 
another." 

" Says I," that is jest what Josiah says. He says, ' I 
always have my own way.' " 

" I admit, that whenever wimmen have been admit- 
ted in any public affairs, they have had a puryfyin', 
and softnin' and enoblin' influence. But I deny that 
votin' and havin' a voice in public affairs is goin' to 
better the condition of either wimmen or the nation." 

Says I, " Horace, the old White House needs pury- 
fyin' more than any horsepittle or meetin' house in 
creation." And says I, " Let wimmen lay to, and help 
clean house." Says I, " let her try her hand for one 
year, and see what she can do." 



376 HORACE FEARS THE ROSTRUM. 

Says Horace, go in' on placidly witli liis own 
tliouglits," It is not the change that wonld be wrought 
in public affairs I dread, so much as the change in the 
wimmen themselves, if they should mingle in the wild 
vortex of political life. I have two daughters, and 
rather than have them lose all thier delicacy, and enter 
political life and mount the rostrum, I would lay them 
in thier grave. I don't believe," says he, with great 
decision, " I don't believe in wimmen leadin' off into 
politics, and mountin' the rostrum." 

I interu]3ted him with a earnest tone ; " you needn't 
twit me of that, no more Horace. I don't want to 
mount no rostrum. I had ruther give Josiah 20 cur- 
tain lectures than to give half of one to the public, 
there would be more solid satisfaction in it. But as 
far as indelicacy is concerned, it is no more immodest 
for a woman to lead off in politics than to lead off one 
of your indecent German waltzes with a man," Says 
I, " you men think it hain't indelicate for wimmen to 
go with you to balls, and to theatres, and into the 
wild vortex of the ocean a bathin' with you~and to 
post ofRces, and to fires, and fairs, and horse races, 
and to church, and to heaven with you. But it is 
awful to go and drop a little slip of white paper into 
a box, once a year with you." 

Says Horace wavin' off that idee, " Woman holds 
in her arms a more powerful ballot than she can in 
her hands. Let her mould her baby boy, so that in 
the future his mpther will vote through him." 



WIMMEN'S INFLUENCE AT WASHINGTON. 377 

Horace looked noble as he said this. His silver 
mounted spectacles shone with pure feelin' and prin- 
ciple. " But " says I, in a reasonable tone, 

" How can wimmen mould children, if she liaint 
got any to mould ? I haint got any of my own, and 
lots of wimmen haint." Says I, "such talk is un- 
reasonable, how can she go to mouldin', when she 
haint got the materials ?" 

" Let them influence thier husbands then," says he, 
" the influence of wimmen over men, is wonderful, 
and they can in this way wield a almost sovereign 
power. And they do in many instances exert this 
indirect power in an eminent degree." 

Says I, finally, " I don't believe in no underhand 
proceedin,' I never did. The idee of wimmen bein' 
underhand, and go to mouldin' men on the sly, I don't 
believe in it." Says I, " accordin' to your own story 
Horace, winnnen have a influence in politics now." 

" Wall — yes — a sort of a indirect influence in thier 
families, as it were." 

Says I, " Horace can you look me straight in the 
spectacles and deny that there is wimmen's influence 
in politics at Washington to day ?" Says I, "look at 
them female lobstercsses there." Says I, " one hand- 
some, l)rilliant, unprincipled bad woman will influence 
^4: common men where a modest humbly well wisher 
of her sect will one." And says I, warmly, for the 
thought of these female lobstercsses always madded 



378 THE WRONG FOOT FORRERD. - 

me — " I should be ashamed if I was in some of them 
Senator's places, makin' laws about the Mormans." 

I see my deep principle was a floatin' me off into a 
subject where as a female I didn't want to go, and so 
I choked back the words I was about to utter which 
was, " I had jest as lives jine a Morman, as to jine 
one of them." I choked it back, and struggled for 
calmness, for I was excited. But I did say this, 

" I think good wimmen ought to have a chance 
with bad ones in political affairs. For there is more 
good wimmen in tlie land than there is bad ones, but 
now the bad ones have it all thier own wa3\" 

Horace wipect his brow gently with his lead pencil, 
and said in a thoughful accent, 

" There may be some truth in what you say Josiah 
Allen's wife. I confess I never looked at it in exactly 
this light before." 

Says I, in a triumphant glad tone, " That is jest 
what I told Josiah. Says I, " Josiah, Horace is all 
riffht, there never was a better meanin' man on the 
face of the earth than Horace is. All he wants is to 
have some noble principled woman to set him right in 
this one thing." 

I see in a minute that 1 had made a mistake. Men 
hate to be dictated to by a woman, they hate to, like 
a dog. I see by his lowery brow that I had put the 
wrong foot forrerd. For the time bein' the sage and 
the philosifer sunk down in his nature, and the man 
spoke in the usual manlike way. 



A WOMAN, OR PATRICK OH FLANEGAN. 379 

" I. say wimmen's brains are too weak to grasp pub- 
lic matters. They have remarkable intuitions I grant. 
A woman's insight or instinct or whatever you may 
term it, will, I grant, fly over a mountain and discover 
what is on the other side of it, while a man is gettin' 
his gunpowder ready to make a tunnel through it. 
But they are not logical, they have not the firm grasp 
of mind, the clear comprehension requisite to a voterj 

Says I, " Horace, which has the firmest grasp — the 
clearest comprehension, a earnest intellegent christian 
woman, or a drunken Irishman?" Says I, " Under- 
stand me Horace, I don't ask which would sell-thier 
votes at the best lay, or vote the most times in one 
day — I dare say the man wonld get ahead of the wo- 
man in these respects, bein' naturally more of a spec- 
ulator — and also bein' in practice. You know practice 
makes perfect. I don't ask you this. But I ask you 
and I want you to answer me Horace, which would 
be in the best condition for votin', Elizabeth Cady 
Stanton gettin' up ott' of her religious knees in the 
mornin' after family prayers, and walkin' — with the 
Constitution in one hand and the Bible in the other — 
coolly and sensibly to the pole, or Patrick oh Flan- 
egan comin' out of a drunken wake, and staggerin' up 
against the pole with a whisky bottle in one hand and 
a club in the other, when he didn't know nothin' in 
the first place, and then had lost half or 3 quarters of 
that, in the liquer some clear minded, logical man give 
him, for votin' a few dozen times for him?" 



380 A GOOD JUDGE OF EXAGGERATIONS. 

At this question Horace quailed a very little. But 
it walS not the quail of a weak man, tliere was princi- 
ple in that quail, and a determination to argue to the 
end, which is one of the charicterestics of that great 
and good man. She that was Saraantha Smith also 
possesses some of this spirit. 

" Set down, Josiah Allen's wife and don't fatigue 
yourself too much," says Horace, for almost carried 
away hy my emotions, I had riz' up and stood on my 
feet agin. 

And he went on, " You put the case in a very 
strouff light Josiah Allen's wife. That is one of the 
peculiar weaknesses of yonr sect. You dont possess 
sufficient moderation. You exaggerate too much." 

Says I, '• publishin' a daily paper for 20 years, has a 
tendency to make any man a good judge of exaggera- 
tion, and if you see by my symptoms that 1 have 
got it, I haint a goiu' to deny it. But you liaint an- 
swered my qnestion yet Horace." 

Says he " Josiah Allen's wife, my mind is firmly 
made up on this sul)ject. And nothin' upon earth 
will ever change it. I am fully convinced that 
woman's enterin' into public duties would result in 
makin' her coarre and unfeminine, and make her lose 
her love for home and husband. And then, suppose 
she were eligible for public offices ; imagine a lady 
blacksmith ! a lady constable ! a lady president ! it is 
absurd, Josiah Allen's wife." 

Says I, " Horace, you are too smart a man to bring 



The widder albert. 381 

up such poor argumeuts. You dont see a little sickly, 
literary, consumptive, broken backed blacksmith or 
constable. Men choose the occupations most con- 
genial, and suitable for them, and wimmen would do 
the same, anyway. Kosa Bonheur chooses to live out 
doors half the time among cattle and horses, and I 
presume she hiiint half so afraid of 'em as Mr. A. 
Tennyson would be. I have heerd Thomas Jefferson 
read about 'em both. I dont suppose Rnj woman 
would be compelled to be made a constable of, though 
if they was, I presume men would submit to be incar- 
cerated by 'em as quick as they would by a male man." 
"As for the idee of a lady president, I dont know 
as it would be any more absurd than a lady queen. 
Victory sets up pretty easy in her high chair, there 
dont seem to be anything very absurd about the AVid- 
der Albert. You say public duties makes a woman 
coarse, and foi-getful of home and husband. II(u-ace, 
look for one minute at the Widder Albert. Where 
will you find among your weak fashionable wimmen, 
so lovin' a wife, so devoted a mother? "Where will 
you find a bigger housefull of children, brought up 
better than hern ? She has had more public duties to 
perform than goin' once a year by the side of her hus- 
band, and votin' for Justice and Temperance, But 
did these public duties, t]iat she performed so well, 
wean her from her husband ? " Says 1, " did they take 
up her mind so that she didn't almost break her heart 



882 FEAR OF KNOWING TOO MtJCli. 

when he died ?" says I, " Do you think a honest de- 
sire to live a full life — to use every power that God 
has given you — to do your very best for God and hu- 
manity, do yon think that this desire modestly and 
consistently carried into action, will make a woman 
coarse and unwomanly, any more than this present 
fashionable education, to flirt and simper and catch a 
rich husband ?" 

Says I, " You seem to think that votin' is goin' to 
be such a weight onto a woman that it will drag her 
right down from her home into public and political 
affairs and leave her there. Such talk is simple, for 
love and domestic happiness will be the other weight 
to the steelyards, as long as the world stands, and 
keep a woman's heart and mind jest as straight as a 
string. Yotfn' haint a goin' to spile any woman at 
all, be she married, or be she sirjgle, and there is a 
class at the mercy of the world, fightin' its hard battle 
alone — it will help them. The idee of its hurtin' a 
woman to know a little somethin', is in my mind 
awful simple. That was what the slaveholders said 
about the black Africans — it would hurt 'em to know 
too much. That is what Mr. Pope says to day about 
his church members. But I say that any belief, or 
custom that relies on oppression and ignorance and 
weakness to help it on in any degree, ought to be ex- 
ploded up. Beautiful weakness and simplicity, haint 
my style at all in the line of wimmen. I have seen 



BEAUTIFUL SIMPLICITIES. 383 

beautiful simplicities before now, and they are always 
afiected, selfish critters, sly, underhanded, their minds 
all took up with little petty gossip and plottin's. 
Why they can't set a teacup on the table in a open- 
hearted noble way. They have to plot on some 
byway to get it there, unbeknown to somebody. 
Their mouths have been drawed so into simjjers, that 
they couldn't laugh a open generous laugh to save 
their lives. Always havin' some spear ready under 
their soft mantilly, to sweetly spear some other wo- 
man in the back. Horace, they haint my style. 
Beautiful weakness and simjjlicity may do for one 
evenin' in a ball room. But it dont wear well for all 
the cares and emergencies that come in a life of from 
40 to 50 years. "Was George Washington's mother 
any the less a industrious equinomical and affectionate 
wife and mother, because she took a interest in public 
affairs ?" And says I, with a lower and more modest 
tone, " Is Josiah Allen's wife on that account any the 
less devoted to Josiah f 

He knew 1 was perfectly devoted to that man. 
He set raewsin' silently for a time seemin'ly on some- 
thin' I had said heretofore, and finally he spoke up. 
" The case of Yictory is very different. A crown 
that descends on a hereditary head is a different thing." 

" So 'tis," says 1, " But the difference is on the 
wrong side, for sposin' it descends onto the head of a 
hereditary fool — or a hereditary mean woman. If a 



3S-J: NATURE MADE QUEEN BEES. 

Y/oman was voted for it would l)e for goodness, or 
bumc otlier good (.quality.'" 

Says Horace, waviii' off that idee and pursuin' after 
his own thoughts. "Man is sometimes mistaken in 
liis honest beliefs, but Nature makes her laws unerr- 
ingly. Nature intended the male of every species to 
take the preeminence. Nature designed man to be at 
the head of all public affairs. Nature never makes 
any mistakes." 

" Nature made queen bees Horace. Old Nature her- 
self clapped the crown on to 'em. You never heard 
of king bees, did you ? Industrious equinomical crit- 
ters the bees are too. The public duties of that fe- 
male dont spile her, for where will you find house- 
work done up slicker than hern? Where will you 
find more stiddy, industrious, equinomical orderly 
doin's through a whole nation than she has in hern ? 
All her constituents up to work early in the mornin', 
home at night too, jest as stiddy as the night comes. 
No foreign spy's can come prowlin' 'round her prem- 
ises — speculators on other folks'es honey haint encour- 
aged, — tol)acco is obnoxious to 'em. Only one thing I 
dont approve of, if food is skurce, if the females don't 
get honey enough to last the whole hive, all winter, 
they slaughter the male bees in the fall to save honey. 
I dont approve of it ; but where will you find a great 
nater that haint got its peculiar excentricities ? This is 
hern. She wants to dispose of the drones as they call 



BEAUTIFUL SYSTEM OF A BEE HIVE. 385 

the lazy husbands of the workin' whmncn, and she 
thinks killin' is the easiest waj' to dispose of 'em. I 
say plainly I dont approve of it, it dont seem exactly 
right to kill a husband to save winterin' him, it would 
seem better to me to get divorces from 'em and set 
'em up in business in a small way. But as I said, 
where is there a nater that haint got a weakness? 
this is hern. But aside from this where will you find 
a better calculator than she is ? No dashin' female 
lobsteresses pullin' the wool over the eyes of her 
Senators. No old men bees gaddin' 'round evenin's 
when their confidin' wives think they arc abed 
dreamin' about their lawful pardners — no wildcatish- 
ness, and smokin' and drunkenness, and quarellin' in 
her Congress. You can't impeach her administi-ation 
no how, for no clock work ever run smoother and 
honester. In my opinion there has a great many 
men set up in their high chairs that would have done 
well to pattern after this Executive female." 

As I finished, flushed with several different emo- 
tions, Horace rose up and grasj)ed me by the hand, 
and says almost warmly, 

" I am glad to have met you, Josiah Allen's wife, 
you have presented the subject in a new, and eloquent 
liglit. I admire eloquence wherever I meet it." 

The praise of this great, and good man w\as like 
manny to an Isrealitess. My breast almost swelled 
with proud and triumphant emotions. But even then, 



38(3 WHY ARE WIMMEN GIVEN TALENTS. 

in that blissful moment, I thonglit of Josiali, no rock 
was ever firmer than my allegience to that man, I 
withdrawed my hand gently from his'en, and 1 said 
to him, with a beamin' face, 

" You grasped holt of my hand, Horace, with the 
noblest and purest of feelin's, but I don't think Josiah 
would like to have me shake hands so often with any 
man." 

Says he, " I honor your sentiments, Josiah Allen' s 
wife, I think you are a firm principled woman, and a 
earnest, well wisher of your sect. But I do think you 
are in a error, I honestly think so. The Creator 
designed woman for a quiet, home life, it is there she 
finds her greatest happiness and content. God gave 
her jest those faculties that fit her for that life. God 
never designed her to go rantin' round in public, 
preachin' and lectm'in'." 

" Says I, " Horace, I agree with you in thinkin' 
that home is the best place for most wimmen. But 
you say that wimmen have great influence, and great 
powers of perswasion, and why not use them powers 
to win men's soles, and to influence men in the cause 
of Temperance and Justice, as well as to use 'em all 
up in teasin' thier husbands to buy 'em a summer 
bunnet and a pair of earrings ? And take such wim- 
men as Anna Dickinson — what under the sun did the 
Lord give her such powers of eloquence and perswa- 
sion for, if He didn't calculate to have her use 'em ? 



FULFILLIN' MISSIONS. 387 

Why you would say a human bein' was a fool, that 
would go to work and make a melodious piano, a cal- 
culatin' to have it stand dumb forever, holdin' back all 
the music in it not lettin' any of it come out to 
chirk folks up, and make 'em better. When a man 
makes a cheese press, he don't expect to get music out 
of it, it hain't reasonable to expect a cheese press to 
play Yankee Doodle, and old Hundred. I, myself, 
wasn't calculated for a preacher. 

I believe the Lord knows jest what He Wants of his 
creeters here below from the biggest to the littlest. 
When He makes a grasshopper, He makes it loose 
jinted, on purpose to jump. Would that grasshopper 
be a fullfillin' his mission and doin' God's will, if he 
should draw his long legs up under him, and crawl 
into a snail's house and make a lame hermit of him- 
seK?" 

Says Horace, in reasonable accents, "l!^o, Josiah 
Allen's wife, no, he wouldn't." 

" Wall," says I, " likewise with birds, if the Lord 
hadn't wanted the sing to come out of thier throats, 
He wouldn't have put it into 'em. And when the 
Lord has put eloquence, and inspiration, and enthusi- 
asm into a human sole, you can't help it from breakin' 
out. I say it is right for a woman to talk, if ghe has 
got anything to say for God and humanity. I have 
heard men and wimmen b®th, talk when they hadn't 

nothin' to say, and it is jest as tiresome in a man, as it 
16 



588 PAUL'S OHNIONS. 

is in a woman m my opinion. 'Now I never had a 
call to preach, or if I had, I didn't hear it, only to 
Josiah, I preach to him considerable, I have to. I 
should feel dreadful curious a standin' up in the desk, 
and takin' my text, I don't deny it, but," says I, in 
deep tones, " if the Lord calls a woman to preach — 
let her preach, Horace." 

" Paul says it is a shame for a woman to speak in 
public," says Horace. 

Oh what a rush of idees flowed under my foretop 
as Horace said thisj but I spoke pretty calm, and 
says I, 

" I hain't nothin' aginst Mr. Paul, I think he is a 
real likely old bachelder. But I put the words, and 
example of Jesus before them of any man, be he mar- 
ried, or be he single." 

" Men will quote Mr Paail's remarks concernin' wim- 
men not preachin', and say he was inspired when he 
said that, and I say to 'em, " how is it about folks not 
marryin', he speaks full as pinted about that ?" " Oh !" 
they say, "he wazzn't inspired when he said that," 
and I say to '-em, "how can you tell — when a man is 18 
or 19 hundred years older than you be — how can you 
tell when he was inspired and when he wazzn't, not 
bein' a neighbor of his'en." And after all, Mr. Paul 
didn't seem to be so awful set on this subject, for he 
went right on to tell how a woman's head ought to be 
fixed when she was a prayin' and a prophecyin'. But 



CHRIST'S EXAMPLE. 389 

in my opinion, all that talk about wimmen was meant 
for that church he was a writin' to, for some reason 
confined to that time, and don't apply to this day, or 
this village — and so with marry in'. "When a man was 
liable to have his head cut oif -any minute, or to be 
eat up by lions, it wazzn't convenient to marry and 
leave a widdcr and a few orphan's. That is my opin- 
ion, other folks have thiern. But let folks quarell all 
they have a mind to, as to whether Mr. Paul was 
inspired when he wrote these things, or whether he 
wazzn't, this we know, that Jesus is a divine pattern 
for us to follow, and He chose a woman to carry the 
glad tidin's of His resurrection to the bretheren. 
There was one woman who received her commission 
to preach right from the Almighty. 

How dare any man to try to tie up a woman's 
tongue, and keep her from speakin' of Him, when she 
was His most tender and faithful friend when He 
was on earth. It was wimmen who brought little 
children that He might bless 'em. Did He rebuke 
'em for thus darin' to speak to Him publicly ? No ; 
but He rebuked the men who tried to stop 'em. 

It was a women who annointed His feet, wet 'em 
with her tears, and wiped 'em with the hairs of her 
head. It was very precious ointment — but none too 
precious for Him she loved so. Some logical clear 
minded men present, thought it was too costly to 
waste on Him. And again Jesus rebuked 'em for 



390 WIMMEN AT CHRIST'S TOMB. 

troublin' tlie woman. It was in comf ortin' a woman's 
lovin' acliin' heart tliat Jesus wept. It was wimmen 
that stood by the cross to the very last and. who 
stood by his grave weepin', when even Joseph had 
rolled a great stun aginst it and departed. And it 
was wimmen who came to the grave agin in the 
mornin' while it was yet dark. And it was a woman 
that He first revealed Himself to after He rose. 
What if Mary had hung back, and refused to tell of 
Him, and the glory she had seen. Would He have 
been pleased ? No ; when God calls a woman to tell 
of the wonders of His love and gloiy that He has re- 
vealed to her out of the darkness of this life, in the 
Lord's name let her answer. But let her be certain 
that it is the Lord that is callin' her, there is lots of 
preachers of both sects in my opinion that pretend 
the Lord is a callin' 'em, when it is nothin' but their 
own vanity and selfishness that is hoUerin' to 'em." 

For pretty near f or f of a minute, Horace set 
almost lost in deep thought, and when he broke out 
asin it was on the old theme. He said "wedlock 
was woman's true spear. In the noble position of wife 
and mother, there lay her greatest happiness, and her 
only true spear." He talked pretty near nine min- 
utes, I should think on this theme. And he talked 
eloquent and grand, I will admit, and never did I see 
spectacles shine with such pure fervor and sincerity 
as hisen. It impressed me deeply. Says he in con- 
clasion, " Marriage is God's own Institution. To be 



HORACE'S OVERWHELMING ELOQUENCE. 391 

the wife of a good man, and the mother of his chil- 
dren, ought to be a woman's highest aim, and j)nrest 
happiness. Jest as it is man's highest happiness to 
have a woman entirely dependant on him. It rouses 
his noblest and most generous impulses, it moves his 
heart to do and dare and his arm to labor — to have a 
gentle bein' clingin' to his manly strength." 

His eloquence so impressed me, that I had no words 
to reply to him. And for the first time sense I had 
begun to foller up the subject, my mind wavered back 
and forth, as Bunker Hill, monument might, in a elo- 
quent earthquake. I says to myseK, " mebbe I am 
mistaken, mebbe marriage is woman's only true 
spear." I didn't know what to say to him, my spec- 
tacles wandered about the room, and happened to 
light onto Betsey — (I had been so took up with my 
mission to Horace that I had. forgot to introduce her) 
and as they lit, Horace, who saw I was deeply im- 
pressed, repeated something about " clingin'" and I 
says to him in a foolish and almost mechanical tone, 

" Yes Horace, I have seen dingers, here is one. 

Betsey riz right up, and come forrerd, and made a 
low curchy to him, and set down tight to him, and 
says she, 

" Beloved and admired Mr. Horace Greeley, I am 
Betsey Bobbet the poetess of Jonesville, and you 
speak my sentiments exactly. I think, and I know 
that wedlock is woman's only true speah. I do not 



392 BETSEY COMES TO MY AID, 

think wimmen ought to have any rights at all. 1 do 
not think she ought to want any. I think it is real 
sweet and genteel in her not to have any rights. 1 
think that to be the clinging, devoted wife of a noble 
husband would be almost a heaven below, I do not 
think she ought to have any other trade at all only 
wedlock. I think she ought to be perfectly depend- 
ent on men, and jest cling to them, and oh how sweet 
it would be to be in that state. How happyfying to 
males and to females that would be. I do not believe 
in wimmen having their way in anything, or to set 
up any beliefs of their own. For oh ! how beautiful 
and perfectly sweet a noble manly mind is. How I 
do love your intellect, dearest Mr. Horace Greeley. 
How is your wife's health dear man ? Haint I read in 
the papers that her health was a failing ? And if she 
should drop off, should you think of entering again 
into wedlock ? and if you did, should you not prefer 
a woman of genius, a poetess, to a woman of clay ? " 
Her breath give out here, and she paused. But oh 
what a change had come over Horace's noble and 
benign face, as Betsey spoke. As she begun, his 
head was thrown back, and a eloquent philosofical 
expression set onto it. But gradually it had changed 
to a expression of dread and almost anger, and as she 
finished, his head sunk down onto his breast, and he 
sithed. I pitied him, and I spoke up to Betsey, says 
I, " 1 haint no more nor less than a clay woman, but 



HORACE REJECTS BETSEY'S OVERTURE. 393 

I know enough to know that no man can answer 25 
or 26 questions to once. Give Horace time to find 
and recover himself." 

Betsey took a bottle of hartshorn and a pair of 
scissors, outen her pocket, and advanced onto him, 
and says she in tender cooin' tones. *' Does your in- 
tellectual head ache ? Let me bathe that lofty forwerd. 
And oh ! dearest man, will you hear my one request 
that I have dreampt of day and night, will you — will 
you give me a lock of your noble hair ?" 

Horace rose up from his chair precipitately and 
come close to me and sot down, bri^gin' me between 
him and Betsey, and then he says to her in a fearless 
tone, " You can't have a hair of my head, I haint 
got much as you can see, but what little I have got 
belongs to my wife, and to America. My wife's 
health is better, and in case of her droppin' off, I 
should't never marry agin, and it wouldn't be a 
poetess ! though " says he wipin' his heated forwerd, 

" 1 respect 'em as a Race." 

Betsey was mad. Says she to me, " I am a goin. 

I will wait for you to tlie depott." And before I 

could say a word, she started off. As the door closed 

I says in clear tones, " Horace, I have watched you for 

years — a laberin' for truth and justice and liftin' u]) 

the oppressed, I have realized what you have done 

for the Black African. You have done more for that 

Race than any other man in America, and I have re- 
16* 



894 HORACE WILLIN' TO BE CONVINCED. 

specred you for it, as miicli as if I was a Black African 
myself. But never ! never did I respect you as I do 
this minute." Says I, "if every married man and 
woman liad your firm and almost cast iron principles, 
there wouldn't be such a call for powder and bullets 
among married folks as there is now. You have riz 
in my estim,ation 25 cents within the last 7 or 8 
minutes." 

Horace was still almost lost in thought, and he 
didn't reply to me. He was a settin' about half or 3 
quarters of a yard from me, and I says to him mildly, 
" Horace, it may be as well for you to go back now 
to your former place of settin', which was about 2 and 
a half yards from me," He complied with my request, 
mechanically as it was. But he seemed still to be 
almost lost in thought. Finally he spoke — as he wiped 
the sweat off that had started out onto his eye brow — 
these words, 

" I am not afraid, nor ashamed to change my mind, 
Josiali Allen's wife, when I am honestly convinced 
I have been in an error. Says he, "It is cowards 
only that cling outwardly to thier old mouldy beliefs, 
for fear they shall be accused of being inconsistant 
and fickle minded." 

Says I, " That is just my opinion Horace ! I have 
been cheated by pickin' out a calico dress in the eve- 
nin'. Things look different by daylight, from what 
they do by candle light. Old beliefs that have looked 
first rate to you, may look different under the brighter 



Marriageable wimmen over zealous. 895 

light of new discoveries. As yon rise liiglier above 
the earth yon see stars yon conldn't ketch sight of in a 
snller way. And the worlds cry of fickle minded- 
ness, may he the angels war whoop, settin' ns on to 
heavenly warfare'." 

Horace seemed agin to be almost lost in thonght, 
and I waited respectfully, for him to find and recover 
himself. Finally he spake, 

" I have been sincere Josiah Allen's wife, in think- 
in' that matrimony was woman's only spear, bnt the 
occurances of the past 25 or 30 minutes has convinced 
me that wimmen may be too zealous a carryin' out 
that spear. I admit Josiah Allen's wife, that any 
new state of public afiairs that would make woman 
more independent of matrimony, less zealous, less 
reckless in handlein' that spear, might be more or 
less beneficial both to herself, and to man." 

Here he paused and sithed. He thought of Betsey. 
But I spoke right up in glad and triumphant tones, 

" Horace, I am ready to depart this minute for 
Jonesville. ITow I can lay my head in peace upon 
my goose feather pillow." 

I riz up in deep emotion, and Horace he riz up too. 
It was a thrillin' moment. At last he spoke in agita- 
ted tones, for he thought still of what he had jest 
passed through. 

"My benefactor, I tremble to think what might 
have happened had you not been present." And he 
ran his forefinger through his almost snowy hair. 



396 flORACE'S GIFTS AT PARTIN. 

" My kind preserver, I want to give yon some little 
token of my friendship at parting. Will yon accept 
as a slight token of my dethless gratitude, ' What I 
know about Farming,' and two papers of lettice seed ? " 

I hung back, I thought of Josiah. But Horace 
argued with me, says he, " I respect your constancy to 
Josiah, but intellect — spoken or written — scorns all the 
barriers of sex and circumstance, and is as free to all, 
as the sunshine that beats down on the just and the 
unjust, the Liberal Republicans and the Grant party, 
or the married and the single." Says he, " take the 
book without any scruples, and as for the lettice seed, 
I can recommend it, I think Josiah would relish it." 

Says I, "On them grounds I will accept of it, and 
thank you." 

As we parted at the door, in the innocence of 
conscious rectitude, we shook hands, and says I, 
" Henceforth, Horace you will set up in a high chair in 
my mind, higher than ever before. Of course, Josiah 
sets first in my heart, and then his children, and then 
a few relations on my side, and on hisen. But next 
to them you will always set, for you have been 
weighed in the steelyards, and have been found not 
wantin'." 

He was to agitated to speak, I was awful agitated 
too. Our silver mounted spectacles met each other 
in a last glance of noble, firm principled sadness, and 
BO Horace and I parted away from each other. 



A SEA VOYAGE. 



AFTEK I left Horace, I hastened on, for I was afraid 
I was behind time. Bein' a large hefty woman, 
(my weight is 200 and 10 pounds by the steelyards 
now) I could not hasten as in former days when I 
weighed 100 pounds less. I was also encumbered 
with my umberell, my satchel bag, my cap box and 
" What I know about Farming-" But I hastened on 
with what speed I might. But alas ! my apprehen- 
sions was too true, the cars had gone. What was to 
be done ? Betsey sat on her portmanty at the depott, 
lookin' so gloomy and depressted, that I knew that I 
could not depend on her for sukker, I must rely onto 
myseK. There are minutes that try the sole, and 
show what timber it is built of. Not one trace of the 
wild storm of emotions that was ragin' inside of me, 
could be traced on my firm brow, as Betsey looked 
up in a gloomy way and says, 

" What are we going to do now ?" 
397 



398 BETSEY PROPOSES A TRIP ON THE CANAL. 

Ko, I rose nobly to meet the occasion, and said in 
a voice of marbel cahn, "I dont know Betsey." 
Then I sot down, for I was beat out. Betsey looked 
wild, says she, " Josiah Allen's wife I am sick of 
earth, the cold heartless groimd looks hollow to me. 
I feel jest reckless enough to dare the briny deep." 
Says she, in a bold darin' way, 

" Less go home on the canal." 

The canal boat run right by our house, and though 
at first I hung back in my mind, thinkin' that Josiah 
would never consent to have me face the danger of 
the deep in the dead of the night, still the thought 
of stayin' in New York village another night made 
me waver. And I thought to myself, if Josiah knew 
jest how it was — the circumstances environin' us all 
round, and if he considered that my board bill would 
cost 3 dollars more if I staid another night, I felt 
that he would consent, though it seemed perilous, 
and almost hazardous in us. So I wavered, and wa- 
vered, Betsey see me waver, and took advantage of 
it, and urged me almost warmly. 

But I didn't give my consent in a minute. I am 
one that calmly weighs any great subject or under- 
takin' in the ballances. 

Say« I' " Betsey have you considered the danger ?" 
Says I, " The shore we was born on, may sometimes 
seem tame to us, but safety is there. Says I, " more 
freedom may be upon the deep waters, but it is a 



ON THE CANAL BOAT. 39d 

treacherous element." Say s^ 1, "Inever^temptedjits 
perils in my life, only on a bridge." 

"ISTor I neither," says she. But she added in'still 
more despairin' tones, " What do I care for danger ? 
What if it is a treacherous element ? What have I got 
to live for in this desert life ?" " And then " says she, 
" the captain of a boat here, is mother's cousin, he 
would let us go cheap." 

Says I in awful deep tones of principle. " / have 
got Josiah to live for — and the great cause of Eight, 
and the children. And I feel for their sakes that I 
ought not to rush into danger." But agin I thought 
of my board bill, and agin 1 felt that Josiah would 
give his consent for me to take the voyage. 

Betsey had been to the village with her father on 
the caoaal, and she knew the way, and suffice it to say, 
as the sun descended into his gory bed in the west, its 
last light shone onto Betsey and me, a settin' in the 
contracted cabin of the canal boat. 

We were the only females on board^ and if it 
hadn't been for Betsey's bein' his relation, we 
couldn't have embarked, for the bark was heavily la- 
den. The evening after we embarked, the boat sail- 
in' at the time under the pressure of 2 miles an hour, 
a storm began to come up, I didn't say nothin', but I 
wished I was a shore. The rain come down — the 
thunder roared in the distance — the wind howled at 
us, I felt sad. I thought of Josiah. 



400 THE DANGERS OF THE SEA. 

As tlie storm increased Betsey looked out of the 
window, and says she, 

" Josiali Allen's wife ^^ we * are ? surrounded 5 by 
dangers, one of the horses has got the heaves, can you 
not heali him above the wild roah of the tempest ? 
And one of them is balky, I know- it." And lif tin' 
her gloomy eyes to the ceilin' so I couldn't see much 
of 'em but the whites, says she, " Look at the stove- 
pipe ! see it sway in the storm, a little heavieh blast 
will unhinge it. And what a night it would be for 
pirates to be abroad, and give chase to us." " But " 
she continued, " my soul is in unison vp^ith the wild 
fury of the elements. I feel like warbling one of the 
wild sea odes of old, and she begun to sing, 

" My name is Robert Kidd, 
As I sailed, as I sailed. 
> My name is Robert Kidd, as I sailed. 

She sung it right through ; I should say by my feel- 
in's, it took her nigh on to an hour, though my suffer- 
in's I know blinded me, and made my calculations 
of time less to be depended on than a clock. She 
sang it through once, and then she began it agin, she 
got as far the second time as this. 

My name is Robert Kidd, 
And so wickedly I did 
As I sailed, as I sailed, 
Oh ! so wickedly I did 
As I sailed. 

The cabin was dark, only lit by one kerosene lamp, 
with a ehimbly dark with the smoke of yeai's. Her 
voice was awful ; the tune was awful ; I stood it as 



BETSEY PROPOSES TO 80AH. 4:01 

long as I could seemin'ly, and says I, in agitated 
tones, 

" I wouldn't sing any more Betsey, if I was in your 
place." 

Alas ! better would it have been for my piece of 
mind, had I let her sing. For although she stopped 
the piece with a wild quaver that made nie tremble, 
she spoke right up, and says she, 

" My soul seems raountin' up and in sympathy with 
the scene. My spirit is soarin', and must have vent. 
Josiah Allen's wife have you any objections to my 
writin' a poem. I have got seven sheets of paper in 
my portmanty." 

The spirit of my 4 fathers rose up in me and says 
I, firmly, 

" When I come onto the deep, I come expectin' to 
face trouble — I am prepared for it," says I, " a few 
verses more or less haint a goin' to overthrow my 
principles." 

She sot down by the table and began to take off 
her tow curls and frizzles, I should think by a careless 
estimate that there was a six quart pan full. And 
then she went to untwistin' her own hair, which was 
done up at the back side of her head in a little nubbin 
about as big as -J a sweet walnut. Says she, 

" I always let down my haih, and take out my teeth 
when I write poetry, I feel moah free and soahing in 
my mind." Says she in a sort of a apoligy way, 



402 A NIGHT 01' HORRORS. 

" Genious is full of excentricities, that seem strange 
to the world's people." 

Says I, calmly " You can let down, and take out, 
all you want to, I can stand it." 

But it was a fearful scene. It was a night never to 
be forgot while memory sets up on her high diair in 
my mind. Outside, the rain poured down, overhead 
on deck, the wind shrieked at the hags and boxes, 
threatenin' 'em with almost an instant destruction. 
The stove pipe that run up through the floor shook as 
if every blast would unjinte it, and then the thought 
would rise up, though I tried to put it out of my 
head, who would put it up again. One of the horsea 
was balky, I knew, for I could hear the driver swear 
at him. And every time he swore, I thought of 
Josiah, and it kep him in my mind most all the time. 
Yes, the storm almost raved outside, and inside, a' still 
more depressin' and fearful sight to me — Betsey Bob- 
bet sot with her few locks streamin' down over her 
pale and holler cheeks, for her teeth was out, and she 
wrote rapidly, and I knew, jest as well as I know my 
name is Josiah Allen's wife, that I had got to hear 
'em. read. Oh ! the anguish of that night ! I thought 
of the happy people on shore, in tliier safe and peace- 
ful feather beds, and then on the treacherous element 
I was a ridin' on, and then I thought of Josiah. 
Sometimes mockin' fancy would so mock at nie that 
I could almost fancy that I heard him snore. But no I 



BETSEY FEELS RECKLESS. 403 

cold reality told me that it was only the heavey horse, 
or the wind a blowin' through the stove pipe, and 
then I would rouse up to the agonizin' thought that I 
was at sea, far, far from home and Josiah. And then 
a solemn voice would sometimes make itself heard in 
my sole," Mebby you never will hear him snore agin." 
And then I would sithe heavily. 

And the driver on the tow path would loudly curse 
that dangerous animal and the wind would howl 'round 
the boxes, and the stove pipe would rattle, and Betsey 
would write poetry rapidly, and I knew I had got to 
hear it. And so the togus night wore away. Finally 
at ^ past 2, wore out as I was with fateegue and 
wakefuUness, Betsey ceased writin' and says she. 

" It is done ! I will read them to you." 

I sithed so deeply that evea Betsey almost trem- 
bled, and says she, 

" Are you in pain, Josiah Allen's wife ?" 

Says I, " only in my mind." 

" Wall " says she, " It is indeed a fearful time. 
But somehow my soul exults strangely in the perils 
environing us. I feel like courtin' and keepin' com- 
pany with danger to night, I feel as if I could almost 
dare to mount that steed wildly careering along the 
tow path, if I only had a side saddle. I feel like rush- 
in' into dangeh, I feel reckless to-night." 

Here the driver swore fearfully, and still more 
apaulin' sight to me, Betsey opened her paper and 
commenced readin'; 



404 BETSEY'S SEA POEM. 

8TANZES, WEITTEN ON THE DEEP. 
BY BETSEY BOBBET. 

The ground seems hollow unto me; 
Men's vests but mask deep perfidee; 
My life has towered so hard and steep, 
I seek the wild and raging deep. 

Such knawing pains my soul doth rack, 
That even the wild horse on the track 
Doth madly prance, and snort and leap ; 
Welcome the horrors of the deep. 

Oh, Jonesville ! on that peaceful shoah, 
Methinks I'll see thy towehs no moeh. 
When morn wakes happy, thoughtless sheep 
Betsey may slumbeh in the deep. 

If far from thee my bones are doomed, 
In these dark waves to be entoomed, 
Mermaids I hope will o'er her weep, 
Who drownded was, within the deep. 

Dear Augur hopes in ruin lays ; 
My Ebineezah I could not raise; 
Deah lost gazelles, I can but weep, 
With gloomy eyes bent o'eh the deep. 

One Slimpsey star, whose name is Simon, 
Still twinkles taint, like a small sized diamond; 
Oh, star of hope, I sithe, I weep, 
Thou shinest so faint across the deep. 

There was between 20 and 30 verses of 'em, but 
truly it is always the darkest jest before daylight, for 
as she was a readin' of 'em, I — a leanin' back in my 
chair — dropped off to sleep, and forgot my trouble. 
Betsey also went to sleep before she read the last of 
'em. And when I waked up, the boat had stopped 
in front of our house, the wind had gone down, the 
Bun was a shinin', and Josiah was comin' down to the 



J 



HOME FROM THE TOWER. 



405 



bank. The danger was all past — Home and Josiah 
was mine agin, I grasped holt of his hand as he 
helped me get off, and in a voice tremulous with feel 
in's I could not control I said, 

" I have got home Josiah ! is breakfast ready ?" 
There was a tenderness in his tone, and a happy 
smile on his face that reminded me of the sweet daya 
of our courtship, as he answered me in a tone almost 
husky with emotion, 

" Yes Samantha, all but settin' the table." 




Says I, " I'm glad of it, for I'm dreadful hungry." 



OLD FRIENDS IN NEW GARMENTS. 



IT was a lovely Monday forenoon some tliree or 
four weeks after my voyage. I was a sittin' near 
the open back door enjoyin' the pleasant prospect, and 
also washin' some new potatoes for dinner. Truly it 
was a fair scene. The feathered hens was a singin' 
in their innocent joy as they scratched the yieldin' 
turf after bugs and worms. Old " Hail the Day " waa 
proudly struttin' round, standin' first on one foot and 
then on the other, and crowin' joyfully in his careless 
freedom and glee. The breezes blew sweetly from 
the west, and I thought with joy that my clothes on 
the clothes line would be ready to iron by the time I 
got dinner out of the way. The sun shone down out 
of a blue and cloudless sky, and I looked pensively at 
my green gages, and thought fondly how the snn was 
a ripenin' 'em. All nature was peaceful and serene^ 
and my mind as I gently scraped the large fair pota- 
toes, and thought how good they was goin' to be with 

406 



i 



BETSEr BOBBET MAKKIED. 407 

the baked lamb I bad got in the oven, was as peaceful 
and serene as tlie same. Suddenly I beard the gate 
click to and I saw old Mr. Bobbet comin' up to the 
house. He seemed dreadfully agitated, and I could 
hear him talkin' to himself. He came right into the 
door and took his hat off in one hand, holdin' his 
crooked cane in the the other and swung 'em both over 
his head to once, and says he, 

" It's done ! It's done ! " 

" What's done," says I droppin' my knife onto the 
floor. 

" Betsey's gone ! " shouted he, and he run out the 
door like a luny. 

I was a most skairt to death, and remained motion- 
less nigh onto a minute, when I beard Josiah comin' 
in. Little did I dream what a blow was comin' onto 
me. He come and stood right in front of me, and I 
thought at the time, he looked at me dreadful curious, 
but I kep on a scrapin' my potatoes, (I had got 'em 
most done.) 

Finally all at once Josiah spoke up and says he, 

" Betsey Bobbett is married." 

I dropped the pan of potatoes right down 
onto the floor for I was as weak as a weak white cat. 
" Who ! Josiah Allen ! who ! is the man ?" 
— " Simon Slimpsey," says he, " They was married 
last night — as I was comin' by the old cider mill " 

" I see all through it," says I mournfully. " He 
and seven or eight of his children have been sick, and 
Betsej would go and take care of 'em-" 



408 JOSIAH CALLS HARD NAMES. 

" Yes" says Josiah, " As I was comiii' past the old 
cider mill " 

Says I with spirit, " It ought to be looked into, 
lie was a helpless old man, and she has took the ad- 
vantage of him." I went on warmly, for I thought 
of his gloomy fonrbodin's, and I always felt for the 
oppressted and imposed upon. I had went on I pre- 
sume as much as 2 minutes and a ^ when Josiah 
says he, 

" I wouldn't take on so about it Samantha, any- 
body to hear you talk would think you was a perfect 
farrago." 

Says I, " If I was a goin' to abuse my wife and 
call her names I would do it accordin' to grammar, 
you mean " virtigo " Josiah." 

" Wall I said virtigo, didn't I ? " Josiah never will 
own that he is in the wrong. 

" And I didn't say you was a virtigo Samantha, 
only anybody would take you for a virtigo, that 
did'nt know you." 

I remained almost lost in sad thoughts for pretty 
nigh \ a minute, and then I says, in mournful tones, 

" Have you heard any of the particulars Josiah ? 
Have you seen any of the relatives ? was the old man 
any more reconciled to the last ?" 

" Yes " says Josiah, " As I was comin' by the old 
cider mill — " 

" "Wall do for conscience sake come by the old cider 



THE CIDER MILL PASSED. 409 

mill, and be done with it," says I, feelin' worried 
out in my mind and by the side of myself. 

" How be I goin' to get by Samantha ? you are so 
agravatin', you'll never let me finish a story peacible, 
and I should think it was about dinner time." 

" So 'tis " says I, soothin'ly, hangin' on the teakettle, 
and puttin' the potatoes over the stove in the summer 
kitchen. For a long and arduous study of the sect 
has convinced me that good vittles are more liealin' 
than oil to pour onto a mans lacerated feelin's. And 
the same deep study has warned me never to get mad 
at the same time Josiah does, on these 2 great philis- 
ofical laws, hangs all the harmony of married life. 
Then I stepped out onto the stoop agin, and says to 
him in calm, affectionate accents, 

" What is it about the old cider mill, Josiah ?" 

" Nothin' " says he, " Only I met one of the first 
mourners — I mean one of old Slimpsey's sisters there, 
and she told me about it, she said that sense the 
Editer of the Auger was married, and sense Betsey 
had got back from New York she had acted like a 
wild critter. She seemed to think it was now or nev- 
er. The awful doom of not bein' married at all, seem- 
ed to fall upon her, and craze her with wild horror. 
And findin' Slimpsey who M^as a Aveak sort of a man 
any way, and doubly weakened now by age and inflam- 
a,tory rheumatism, she went and took care of him, and 
got the upper hand of him, made him a victim and 



410 EFFECT ON SIMON. 

married him, at Ms own house, Sunday night at half 
past seven." 

I was so lost in sorrowful thought as Josiah continued 
the mournful tale, that Josiah says, in a soothin' tone, 

" You ought to try to be reconciled to it Samantha, 
it seems to be the Lord's will that she should marry 
him." 

"I don't believe in layin' every mean low lived 
thing to the Lord, Josiah, I lay this to Betsey Bobbet ;" 
and I agin plunged down into gloomy thought, and 
was roused only by his concludin' words, 

" Seems to me Samantha, you might have a few 
griddle cakes, the bread — I see this mornin' — ^was 
gettin' kinder dry." 

" Mechanically I complied with his request, for my 
thoughts wasn't there, they was with the afflicted, and 
down trodden. 

One week after this I was goin' up the post office 
steps, and I come face to face with Simon Slunpsey. 
He had grown 23 years older durin' the past week. 
But he is a shiftless, harmless critter hurtin' himself 
more'n any body else. He was naturally a small 
boned man. In the prime of his manhood he might 
have come up to Betsey's shoulders, but now withered 
by age and grief the highest hat was futile to bring 
him up much above her belt ribbon. He looked sad 
indeed, my heart bled for him. But with the instinc- 
tive delicacy inherient to my sect, I put on a jokeuler 
tone, and says I, as I shook hands with him. 



SIMON TELLS OF HIS TREATMENT. 411 

" How do you do, Simon ? I hain't seen you before, 
sense you was married, Simon Slimpsey." 

He looked at me almost wildly in the face, and says 
he in a despairin' tone, 

"I knew it wonld come to this, Miss Allen ! I knew 
it. I told you how it would be, you know I did. She 
always said it was her spear to marry, I knew I should 
be the one, I always was the one." 

" Don't she use you well, Simon Slimpsey ?" 

" She is pretty hard on me," says he. " I hain't had 
my way in anything sense the day she married me. 
She begun to ' hold my nose to the grindstone,' as the 
saying is, before we had been married 2 hours. And 
she hain't no houss&keeper, nor cook, I have had to live 
on pancakes most of the time sense it took place, and 
they are tougher than leather ; I have been most 
tempted to cut some out of my boot legs to see if they 
wouldn't be tenderer, but I never should hear the end 
of it, if I did. She jaws me awfully, and orders me 
round as if I was a dog, a yeller dog — " he added 
despairin'ly, " if I was a yeller dog, she couldn't seem 
to look down on me any more, and treat me any 
worse." 

Says I, " I always did mistrust these wimmen that 
talk so much about not wantin' any rights, and 
clingin' and so forth. But," says I, not wantin' to nm 
anybody to thier backs, " she thought it was her spear 
to marry." 

" I told you," says he, in agonizin' tones, " I told 



412 A FOLORN MAN. 

you that spear of hern would destroy me, and it has." 

He looked so sorrowful that I says to him in still 
more jokeuler tones than I had yet used, " Chirk up 
Simon Slimpsey, I wish you joy." I felt that he 
needed it indeed. He give me an awful look that 
was jest about half reproach, and half anguish, and I 
see a tear begin to flow. I turned away respectin' his 
feelin's. As he went down the steps slowly, I see 
him put his hands in his pockets, as if searchin' for 
his handkerchief, seemin'ly in vain. But he had on a 
lone; blue broadcloth swallow tailed coat that he was 
married in the first time long years ago, and as he 
went round the corner he took up the skirts of his 
coat and wiped his eyes. I said to myself with a 
deep sithe, " And this is woman's only spear." 
And the words awakened in my breast as many as 19 
or 20 different emotions, and I dont know but more. 

I murmured mewsin'ly to myself, " It seems to me, 
if I was a wcman I should about as lives be a con- 
stable." 

While I was still mewsin, Betsey, his wife tore 
down the street, in a distracted way, and paused 
before me^ 

" Have you seen my husband ?" says she, " can you 
tell a distracted wife — have you seen her husband 
Simon Slimpsey ?" 

She looked wild, as if she feared a catastrophe, and 
she cried out, loosin' holt of her self control, in a firm 
constable like tone, 



SLIMPSEY AND HIS HORSE. 413 

" He shall not escape me ! I will telegraph to the 
next station house ! I will have the creek dragged ! 
the woods shall be scoured out ! says she. 

" Be calm, and compose yourself'," says I frigidly, 
" Simon Simpson has gone up towards his house." 

She heaved a deep sithe of content, and triumph 
agin brooded down upon her eyebrow as she foUered 
on after him. 

I hadn't no idee of callin' on her, I wouldn't, but 
the next day, Simon Slimpsey went by on his old 
white horse. It is a very dejected lookin' horse in the 
face, besides carryin' a couple of wash-boards in its 
sides, in the line of ribs. Thomas Jefi'erson says, 
" What gives it its mournful expression, it is mournin' 
for the companions of its youth." Says he, "you 
know Noah saved a pair of everything," and says he, 
" his poor companion passed away several thousand 
years ago." That boy worrys me, I don't know what 
he is comin' to. Slimpsey's old horse haint more'n 
35 or 40 years old, I don't believe. They say Betsey 
is makin' a pale blue cambric ridin' dress, and is goin' 
to ride him a horse back this fall. It don't seem to 
me there would be much fun in it, he is so lame, 
besides havin' a habit of f allin' frequently with the 
blind staggers ; howsomever its none of my business. 

But as I was a sayin' I stood silently in the door, 
to see old Slimpsey go by a horseback, and I thought 
to myseK as I pensively turned out my tea grounds. 



414 BETSEY (BOBBET) SLIMPSEY AT HOME. 

(I was a gettin' dinner) how mucli — how much it 
looks like a night mare that has broke out of its law- 
ful night pastures, and is runnin' away with a pale 
and harassed victim. So haggard and melancholy 
did tliey both look. And I sithed. I had'nt much 
more'n got through sithin', when he rode up, and 
says he, 

" The seventh boy is worse, and the twin girls are 
took down with it, it would be a melankoly pleasure 
Miss Allen if you could go up." I went. 

Betsey had got the most of 'em to sleep, and was 
settin' between a few cradles, and trundle beds, and 
high chairs all filled with measles, and a few mumps. 
Betsey's teeth was out, and her tow frizzles lay on 
the table with a lot of paper — so I mistrusted she had 
been writin' a poem. But she was now engaged in 
mendin' a pair of pantaloons, the 8th pair — she told 
me — she had mended that day, for Simon Slimpsy was 
a poor man, and couldn't aflord to buy new ones. 
They was a hard and mournful lookin' pair, and says 
I to her — in a tone in which pity and contempt was 
blended about half and half — 

" Betsey are you happy ?" 

" I am at rest," says she, " more at rest than I have 
been for years." 

" Are you happy ?" says I, lookin' keenly at her. 

" I feel real dignified," says she, " There isn't no 
use in a woman trying to be digmfied till ahe is 



SOMETHIN' TO LEi^N ON. 415 

iaarried, for slie can't. I liave tried it and I know. 
1 can truly say Josiali Allen's wife, that I neveli 
knew wliat dignity was, until one week ago last 
Sunday night at haK past seven in the evenin'," 
Bays she, turnin' over the pantaloons, and attactin' a 
ghastly hole of ahout 7 by 9 dimensions in the left 
knee. 

I sot silently in my chair like a statute, while she 
remarked thus, and as she paused, I says to her agin, 
fixing my mild but stern grey eyes upon her weary 
form, bendin' over the dilapitated folds of the 8th. 

" Are yon happy Betsey ?" 

" I have got something to lean on," says she. 

I thought of the fragile form bendin' over the lean 
and haggard horse, and totterin' away, withered by 
age and grief, in the swallow tailed coat, and says I in 
a pityin' accent, 

" Dont lean too hard Betsey." 

" Why ?" says she. 

Says I, in a kind of a blind way, " You may be 
sorry if you do," and then I says to her in clear and 
piercin' accents these words, 

" Do you love your husband Betsey ?" 

" I dont think love is necessaiy," says she, " I am 
married, which is enough to satisfy any woman who 
is more or less reasonable, that is the main and im- 
portant thing, and as I have said, love and respect, 
aad so forth are miners as — 



4-10 WIMMEN SELLIN' THEMSELVES. 

" Miners !" says I in a tone of deep indignity, 
" Minors ! Betsey Eobhet— " 

" Mrs Betsey Bobbet Slimpsey," says ste correetin' 
of me proudly, as she attacted anotber mournful look- 
in' hole as big as my two hands. 

"Well! Betsey Slimpsey!" says I, beginnin' agin, 
and wavin' my right hand in a eloquent wave, "There 
hain't no more beautiful sight on earth than to see 
two hunan soles, out of pure love to each other, gen- 
tly approachin' each other, as if they must. And at 
last all thiei' hopes and thoughts, and affections run- 
nin' in together, so you can't seperate 'em nohow, jest 
like two drops of rain water, in a momin' glory blow. 
And to see 'em nestlin' there, not carin' for nobody 
outside the blow, contented and bound up in each 
other, till the sun evaporates 'em, (as it were) and 
draws 'em up together into the heaven, not sepei-atin' 
of 'em up there — why such a marriage as that is a 
sight that does men and angels good to look at. But 
when a woman sells herself, swaps her purify, her 
self respect, her truth, and her sole, for barter of any 
kind, such as a house and lot, a few thousand dollars, 
the name of bein' married, a horse and buggy, some 
jewellry, and eteeteryj and not only sells herseK, but 
worse than the Turk wimmen goes round herself, 
huntin' up a buyer, crazy, wild eyed, afraid she won't 
find none — when she does find one, suppose she does 
have a minister for salesman, my contempt tor that 
female is unmitigable." 



MARRIAGE LIKE BAPTISM. 417 

Betsey still looked so wrapped up in dignity, as she 
bravely attacted the seat of another pair of trousers, 
that it fairly made me mad. Insted of that proud and 
triumphant mean I wanted her to look some stricken, 
and I resumed in a tone of indignaty, almost burnin' 
enough to set fire to her apron, 

" Nor I don't want these wimmen that have sold 
themselves for a certificate with a man's name on it — 
I don't want to hear 'em talk about infamy ; haint they 
infamous themselves ? What have they done differ- 
ent from these other bad wimmen, only they have got 
a stiddy place, and a little better wages, such as 
respectability in the eyes of fools and etcetery. Do 
you suppose that a woman standin' up in front of a 
minister and tellin' a few pesky lies, such as, * I prom- 
ise to love a man I hate, and respect a man that hain't 
respectable, and honor and obey a man I calculate to 
make toe the mark ' — do you suppose these few lies 
makes her any purer in the eyes of God, than if she 
had sold herself without tellin' 'em, as the other infa- 
mous wimmen did ? Not any. Marriage is like bap- 
tism, as I have said more'n a hundred times, you have 
got to have the inward grace and the outward form to 
make it lawful and right. What good does the water 
do, if your sole haint baptised with the love of God ? 
It haint no better than fallin' into the creek." 

I paused, spotted in the face from conflictin' emo- 
tions, and Betsey begun in a haughty triumphant tone, 

" Womans speah — '■* 



418 BETSEY'S MARRIED LIFE. 

"Whicfc words and tone combined with recollections 
of the aged sufferer in the blue swallow tailed coat, 
so worked on my indignation, that I walked out of 
the house without listenin' to another word, and put 
on my bimnet out in the door yard. 

But I hollered back to her from the bars — for Josiah 
Allen's wife haint one to desert duty in any crisis — 
" that the four youngest boys ought to be sweat, and 
take some saffem tea, and I should give the five girls, 
and the twins, some catnip, and I'd let the rest of 'em 
be, till the doctor come." 

I haint seen Betsey since, for she is havin' a hard 
time of it. She has to work like a dog. For Simon 
Slimpsey bein' so poor, and not bein' no calculator, it 
makes it hard for 'em to get along. And the old man 
seems to have lost what little energy he had, since he 
was married, Betsey is so hard on him. He has the 
horrors awfully. Betsey takes in work, but they have 
a hard time to get along. Miss Gowdey says that 
Betsey told her that she didn't mind workin' so hard, 
but she did hate to give up writin' poetry, but she 
didn't get no time for it." So as is jenerally the case, 
a great good to the world has eome out of her sufferin'. 

I guess she haint wrote but one piece sense she was 
married and they was wrote I suppose the day I 
ketched her with her teeth out, for they come out in 
the next week's Gimlet, for just as quick as the Editor 
of the Auger was married, Betsey changed her politix 
and wrote agin as formally for the Gimlet. 



BETSEY'S LAST POEM. 419 

The following are some of the verses she wrote : 

I AM MABKIED NOW. 

A mm of Victory. 

BY MRS. BETSEY SLUVIPSEY TcneC BOBBET. 

Fate, I defy thee ! I have vanquished thee, old maid. 
Dost ask why thus, this proud triumphant brow ? 
I answer thee, old Fate, with loud and joyful burst 
Of blissful laughteh, I am married now ! 

Once pfrief did rave about my lonely head ; 

Once I did droop, as droops a drooping willow bough ; 

Once I did tune my liah to doleful strains ; 

Tis past ! 'tis past my soul ! I am married now ! 

Then, sneering, venomed darts pierced my lone, lone heart ; 

Then, mocking married fingers dragged me low, 

But now I tune my liah to sweet extatic strains. 

My teahs have all been shed, I am married now ! 

No gossip lean can wound me by her speech, 

I, no humilitatin' neveh more shall know ; 

Sorrow, stand off! I am beyond thy ghastly reach. 

For Mrs. Betsey Slimpsey (formerly Bobbet) is married now ! 

Oh, mournful past, when I in Ingun file 
Climbed single life's, bleak, rocky, mounten's brow, 
Blest lot! that unto wedlock's glorious glade 
Hath led me. Betsey's married now ! 

Oh female hearts with anxious longings stirred, 
Cry Ho ! for wiramen's spcah, and seal it with a vow, 
Take Mrs. Betsey Bobbet Slimpsey's word 
That thou shalt triumph ! / am married now ! 

Yes, Betsey's married ! sweet to meditate upon it, 
To tune my happy liah with haughty, laughing brow 
To these sweet, glorious words, the burden of my sonnetj 
That Mrs. Betsey Bobbet Slimpsey 's married now ! 

17* 



\vl^ 



HORACE AND JOSIAH. 



WIIEN the news come to me that Horace Greely 
was dead I ahnost cried. The tears did just run 
down my face like rain-water, I don't know when I 
have come nearer cryin' than I did then. And my first 
thought was, they have tried awful hard to keep him 
out of the White House, but he has got into one 
whiter than any they have got in Washington, D. C. 
And then my very next thought was, Josiah Allen's 
wife did you say anything to hurt that man's feelin's, 
when you was a tryin' to influence him on your 
tower ? 

I believe if folks would only realize how every 
harsh word, and cold look they stab lovin' hearts with, 
would just turn round like bayonets, and pierce their 
own heart in a time like this — they would be more 
careful how they handled 'em. But glad enough was 
I to think that I didn't say a hard word to him, but 

had freed my mind, and told him jest how good I 

420 



REMEMBRANCES OF HORACE GREELY. 431 

thoTiglit he was, and how much he had done for the 
Black African, and the Human Eace, before it was 
too late. Glad enough was I that I didn't wait till 
that noble heart was cold and lifeless, and couldn't be 
pained by unkindness, or made gladder by sympathy, 
before I gin him mine. 

But in the time of trouble, the love that had been 
his best reward for all the successes of his hard work- 
in' life, had gone from him. And I know jest how 
that great heart ached for that love and sympathy. 
I know jest how poor the praise of the world would 
have looked to him, if he couldn't have seen it a shin- 
in' through them lovin' eyes — and how hard it was 
for him to bear its blame alone. Tired out, defeated 
the world called him, but he only had to fold his 
hands, and shet his eyes up and he was crowned with 
success in that world where He, ^\ ho was once rejected 
by a majority, crowned with thorns of earthly defeat 
waits now to give the ci'own of Eternal E.epose to all 
true souls, all the weary warriors on life's battle 
field who give their lives for the right. And it 
seemed so kinder beautiful too, to think that before 
she he loved so, hardly had time to feel strange 
in them " many mansions," he was with her agin, and 
they could keep house together all through Eternity 

Yet, — though as T say, T don't kno-v when I have 
come so near cryin' as I did then — T said to myself as 
I wiped my eyes on my apron, I wouldn't call him 



422 VICTORY'S POSITION. 

back from that liappj rest he had eamt so well if I 
could. 

But there are other things that are worrysome to 
me, and make me a sight of trouble. It was a day or 
2 after this, and I was settin' alone, for Josiah had 
gone t€> mill, and Thomas Jefferson and Maggy Snow 
and Tirzah Ann and Whitfield Minkley had gone a 
slay ridin,' (them two affairs is in a flourishin' condi- 
tion and it is vei^y aggreeabie to Josiah and me, though 
I make no matches, nor break none — or that is, I don't 
make none, only by talkin' in a encouragin' manner, 
nor break none only with thoroughwert in a mild 
way. 

I sot all alone, a cuttin' carpet rags, and a musin 
sadly. Yictory in jail ! And though I felt that she 
richly deserved it, and I should liked to have shut 
her up myself in our suller way, for darin' to slander 
Beecher, still to me who knows her sect so well, it 
seemed kinder hard that a woman should be where 
she couldn't go a visatin'. And then to think the 
good talkin' to, I give her when I was on my tower 
hadn't ammounted to nothin', seemin'ly. I wasn't 
sorry I had labored with her — not a mite, I had did 
my duty anyway. And I knew jest as well as I know 
that my name was formally Smith, that when anybody 
is a workin' in the Cause of Right, they hadn't ought 
to be discouraged if they didn't get their pay down, 
for you can't sow your seeds and pick your posy's 



MOURNFUL THOUGHTS OF MY TOWER. 423 

the same day anyway. And I know that great idees 
was enough sight harder to get rooted and a growin' 
than the Century plant, and that takes a hundred 
years for it to blow out. 

I know all this, but human nater gets kinder tired 
a waitin', and there seems no end to the snows that 
lay between us and that summer that all earnest 
souls are a workin' for. And then I want my 
sect to do right, — I want 'em to be real respectable, 
and I felt that take Yictory all together she wasn't 
a orniment to it. I thought of my sect, and then I 
thought of Victory, and then I sithed. Beecher a 
bein' lied about, Tilton ditto and the same, for you 
see / don't nor won't believe what Yictory says 
against 'em, although they don't come out and 
deny the truth of it, either of 'em, just to satisfy some 
folks who say that they ought to. Miss Anthony 
havin' a hard tussle of it at Rochester. 

Whitfield Minkley had told me too that day 
that Miss Aster didn't keep tavern herself, and 
there I had had all my trouble about her for nothin', 
demeanin' myself by ofi*erin' to wash dishes for — I 
know not who. And to think that Jonothan Beans'es 
ex-wife should have deceived me so, when I 
befriended her so much when she first went to ^rass. 
And then when I thought how all the good advice I 
had given "Victory hadn't done her no good, and how 
Mr. Greely had died, before the seeds I sowed in his 



4:24 1 RELY ON JOSIAH. 

bosom on the great question of Wimmen's Rights had 
sprouted and brought forth fruit, when I see my 
tower had been in vain, say nothin' of the money it 
cost, oh! how holler the world looked to me, it 
almost seemed as if it would break in and let me 
vthrough, rockin' chair and all. 

As I sot there a mewsin' over it, and a cuttin' 
my rags, I almost made up my mind that I would 
have the dark stripe in my carpet black as a 
coal, the whole on it, a sort of mournin' stripe. But 
better feelin's got up inside of my mind, and 1 felt 
that I would put in my but'nut color rather than 
waste it. 

Yet oh how holler and onstiddy everything looked 
to me ; who could I trust, whose apron string could I 
cling to, without expectin' it would break off short 
with me ? For pretty nigh 2 minutes and a half. I 
had the horrors almost as bad as Simon Slimpsey, (he 
has 'em now every day stiddy, Betsey is so hard on 
him), but oh how sweetly in that solemn time 
there came to me the thought of Josiah. Yes, on 
that worrysome time I can truly say that Josiah 
Allen was my theme, and I thought to myself, there 
may be handsomer men than he is, and men that 
weigh more by the steelyards, but there hain't one to 
be found that has heftier morals, or more well sea- 
soned principles than he has. Yes, Josiah Allen was 



A ATTACK OF THE HORRORS. 425 

my theme, I felt that I eoukl trust my Josiah. I 
guess I had got mewsin' agiu ou jails and wickedness, 
and so 4:th, for all of a sudden the thought knocked 
aginst my heart, 

" What if Josiah Allen should go to cuttin' up, and 
behavin' ?" 

I wouldn't let the thought in, I ordered it out. But 
it kep' a hangin' round, — 

" What if your Josiah should go to cuttin' up ?" 

I argued with it ; says I to myself, I guess I know 
Josiah Allen, a likelier man never trod shoe leather. 
I know him like a book. 

But then think'es I — what strange critters men and 
wimmin be. Kow you may live with one for years, and 
think you know every crook and turn in that critter's 
mind, jest like a book ; when lo ! and behold ! all of a 
sudden a leaf will be turned over, that had been glued 
together by some circumstance or other, and there will 
be readin' that you never set eyes on before. Some- 
times it is in an unknown tongue — sometimes it is 
good readin', and then again, it is bad. Oh how gloomy 
and depressted I was. But Josiah Allen's wife haint 
one to give up to the horrers without a tussle, and 
though inwardly so tested about, I rose up and with a 
brow of calm, I sot my basket of carpet rags behind 
the door, and quietly put on the tea-kettle, for it was 
about time for Josiah to come. 



4^6 INSIDE THE HOUSE. 

Then I looked round to see if there was anything I 
could do to make it look more pleasant than it did for 
Josiah Allen when he came home cold and tired from 
the Jonesville mill. It never was my way to stand 
stun still in the middle of the floor and smile at him 
from half to three-quarters of an hour. Yet it was al- 
ways my idee that if a woman can't make home the 
pleasantest spot in the world for her husband, she 
needn't complain if he won't stay there any more than 
he can help. I believe there wouldn't be so many men 
a meanderin' off nights into grog shops, and all sorts 
of wickedness, if they had a bright home and a cheer- 
ful companion to draw 'em back, (not but what men 
have to be corrected occasionally, I have to correct Jo- 
siah every little while.) But good land ! It is all I can 
do to get Josiah Allen and Thomas Jefferson out of 
the house long enough to mop. 

I looked round the room, as I said, but not a thing 
did I see that I could alter for the better ; it was slick 
as a pin. The painted floor was a shinin' like yaller 
glass, ( I had mopped jest before dinner.) The braid- 
ed mats, mostly red and green, was a layin' smooth 
and clean in front of the looking-glass, and before the 
stove, and table. Two or three pictures, that Thomas 
Jefferson had framed, hung up aginst the wall, which 
was papered with a light colored buff ground work 
with a red rose on it. The lounge and two or three 



ONCE MORE I ACT ON PRINCIPLE. 4^7 

rockin' chairs was cushioned with handsome copper 
plate. And Tirzah Ann had got a hangin' basket of 
ivy on tb-e west winder that made that winder look like 
summer, I'll bet her canary hangin' there in the thick- 
est of the green leaves, thought it was summer, he sang 
like it. The stove hearth shone like a silver dollar, 
and there was a bright fire, and in a minute the tea- 
kettle began to sing most as loud as Whitey, that is 
her canary's name. (I mistrust she named it in that 
kinder underhanded way, after Whitfield Minkley — 
though I never let her know I mistrusted it, but I 
never could think of any other earthly reason why she 
should call it Whitey, for it is as yaller as any goslin' 
I ever laid eyes on. ) 

I felt that I couldn't alter a thing round the house 
for the better. But as I happened to glance up into 
the lookin'-glass, I see that although I looked well, my 
hair was slick and I had on a clean gingham dress, my 
brown and black plaid, still I felt that if I should pin 
on one of Tirzah Ann's bows that lay on the little shelf 
under the lookin'-glass I might look more cheerful and 
pleasant in the eyes of my companion Josiah. I haint 
made a practice of wearin' bows sense I jinedthemeet- 
in'-house. And then agin I felt that I was too old to 
wear 'em. Not that I felt bad about growin' old. If 
it was best for us to have summer all the year round, 
I know we should have it. As I have said to Josiah 



428 8ETTIN' THE SUPPER TABLE. 

Allen more'n once when he got kinder doun hearted, 
says Ij Josiah Allen look up where the stars are shin- 
in' and tell me if you think that with all them count- 
less worlds, with all that wealth in His hands, and His 
lovin' heart, the Lord begruches anything that is for 
His children's good. No! I am willin' to take God's 
year as it comes, summer and winter. 

And then do you s'pose I would if I could by turn- 
ing my hand over, go back into my youth agin, and 
leave Josiah part way down hill alone ? No ! the sun- 
shine and the mornin' are on the other side of the hill, 
and we are goin' down into the shadders, my pardner 
Josiah and me. But we will go like Mr. and Mrs. 
Joseph John, that Tirzah Ann sings about — 

" Hand in hand we'll go 
And we'll sleep together at the foot." 

knowing that beyond them shadders is the sunshine of 
God's Great Mornin'. 

As I said, I dont make a practice of wearin' bows, 
and this bein' fire red, I should have felt a awful back- 
slidin' feelin' about wearin' it, if I hadn't felt that prin- 
ciple was upholdin' me. 

Then I drawed out the table, and put on a clean 
white table-cloth, and begun to set it. I had some 
good bread and butter, I had baked that day, and my 
bread was white as snow, and light as day, some can- 
ned peaches, and some tliin slices of ham as pink as a 
rose, and a strawberry pie, — one of my cans had bu^ t 



JOSIAII RETURNS DEPRESTED. 429 

that day, and I made 'em up into pies. And then I 
brought up some of my very best cake, such as I keep 
for company — fruit cake, and delicate cake. And then 
after I had put on a great piece of white honey in a 
glass dish, and some cheese that was like cream for 
richness, the table looked well. 

I had got the table all set, and had jest opened the 
door to see if he was a comin', when lo ! and behold ' 
there he stood on the door-step — he had come and put 
his horses out before I see him. lie looked awful de- 
pressted, and before he got the snow half offen his 
boots, says he : 

" That new whip I bought the other day is gone Sa- 
mantha. Some feller stole it while I was gettin' my 
grist ground." 

Says I, " Josiah I have been a mewsin' on the on- 
stiddiness, and wickedness of the world all day, and 
now that whip is gone. What is the world a comin' to, 
Josiah AUen?" 

Josiah is a man that don't say much, but things weai 
on him. His face looked several inches longer than it 
usially did, and he answered in a awful depressted 
tone : 

" I don't know, Samantha, but I do know, that I am 
as hungry as a bear." 

" Wall," says I, soothingly, " I thought you would 
be, suppei^'s all on the table." 



430 NO PLACE LIKE HOME. 

lie stepped in, and the very minute that man ketch- 
ed sight of that cheerful room, and that supper table, 
that man smiled. And it wasn't a sickly, deathly smile 
either, it was a smile of deep inward joy and content- 
ment. And says he in a sweet tone, " it seems to me 
you have got a awful good supper to-night, Semantha." 

As I see that smile, and looked into that honest 
beamin' face, I jest turned out them gloomy forebo- 
din's about him, out of my heart, the whole caboodle 
of 'em, and shet the door in their faces. But I con- 
trolled my voice, till it sounded like a perfect stranger 
to me, and says I : 

" Don't I always get good suppers, Josiah Allen ?" 

"Yes," says he, " and good dinners and breakfess'es, 
too. I will say this for you, Samantha, there haint a 
better cook in Jonesville, than you be, nor a woman 
that makes a pleasanter home." And he went on pla- 
cidly, as he stood there with his back to the fire a 
warmin' him, a lookin' serenely round that bright 
warm room, and ont' that supper table. 

" There haint no place quite so good as home, is 
there, Samantha ? haint supper about ready ?" 

Says I, firmly, " The Cause of Eight, and the Good 
of the Human Race will ever be dear to the soul of 
her who A'/ho was formally Samantha Smith. But at 
the same time that don't hender me from thinkin' a 
sight of my home, and from gettin' good suppers. It 



ANOTHER BURST OF ELOQUENCE. 431 

will be ready, Josiah, jest as quick as the tea is steep- 
ed, I didn't want to make it till you come, for bilein' - 
jest spiles that last tea you got," and I went on in 
tones as firm as Plymouth Rock, yet as tender as a 
spring chicken. 

" As I have said more'n a hundred times, if it is 
spelt right there haint another such a word as home 
in the English language. The French can't spell it 
at all, and in my opinion that is jest what makes 'em 
60 light minded and onstiddy. If it is spelt wrong, 
as in the case of Bobbet and Slimpsey, it means the 
horrors, and the very worst kinds of discomfort and 
misery. In fact love is the only school-master, that 
can put out that word worth a cent. And if it is put 
out by him, and spelt, for instance, by a couple who 
have loved each other for goin' on fifteen years, with 
a firm and almost cast iron aflfection, why it stands for 
peace and rest and comfort, and is the plainest picture 
God has give us below, kinder as we put painted pic- 
tures in children's story books, of that great Home 
above, where the colors won't never rub off of the pic- 
ture, and the peace and the rest are everlasting." 

I had been real eloquent, I knew it, and Josiah 
knew it, for that man looked awful kinder earnest and 
serene hke. He was silent for mebby half or three 
quarters of a minute, and then he said in calm, gentle 
tones : 



432. A HAPPY SUPPER. 

"I guess I'll Ccarry the grist up stairs before supper, 
Sainantha, and have it done with." 

There haint a lazy hair in that man's head, and for 
that matter there haint many of any kind, either smart 
or shiftless, he grows bald every day, not that I blame 
him for it. 

He came down stairs, and we sot down to the table, 
happy as a king and queen, for all the old world was 
a caperin' and cuttin' up as if it would go crazy. The 
little blackslidin' feelin' about wearin' that fire red bow 
died away too, as ever and anon, and I don't know but 
oftener, I would look up and ketch the eye of my com- 
panion Josiah bent on me in a pleasant and sort of a 
admirin' way. That bow was becomin' to me I knew. 
For as Josiah passed me his cup for his second cup of 
tea, ( no dish watery stuff, I can tell you ) he says : * 

" I don't see what makes you look so young and 
handsome, to-night, Samantha, I believe I shall have 
to go to courtin' you over agin." 

And I answered him in the same aggreable accents, 
" I don't know as the law could touch you /or it Josiah 
if you did." 



* See Frontispiece. 



THE END. 



